The Zimventures #4

Escape from Zardoz!

It had been three months since the Exterminators had captured Zim, Future Booze Jesus, Fitz and Brandon. Instead of being killed, though, they had been handed over to the Eternals, who had them locked up in cages and subjected to disturbing slideshow presentations about how guns were good and penises were evil. The one thing that Zim truly enjoyed was how the Eternal women went around without tops on. He'd never seen so many boobies in real life before, and he found it enjoyable. He tried hitting on several of them, but it never amounted to much. They technically didn't turn him down; to a woman, they simply walked away.

At one point all four men were tested by the Eternals. They went over every inch of their bodies, checking to see if they were in peak physical condition. Brandon and Fitz passed this test with flying colors, but Zim and Future Booze Jesus had failed miserably. The former two were taken away while the latter two were thrown back into their cages. It wasn't until days later that Zim found out what had happened to his companions. Since they were considered perfect breeding stock, they were put to work, seeding the highest society women.

"What?!" Zim asked. "You mean, they're getting laid, and I'm stuck in here with Future Booze Jesus?!"

"Yes!" Future Booze Jesus roared. "Next question!"

The Eternal guard ignored him. "No, they're not 'getting laid.' Sexual intercourse has been prohibited among us. No, we hooked them up to milking machines like the kind used on cows, and we've drained them of their seed. The one you call Fitz died yesterday, and Brandon is not expected to last much longer. But their offspring will be glorious."

"You mean, after all the trouble I went through my friends still die?" Zim asked. "That's bogus!"

Future Booze Jesus reached into his pocket and drank from his flask. "I have more bad news."

"What now?" Zim asked.

"I'm out of booze."

"Oh. That's it? Well, who cares?"

"You fool! I'll be a crazed beast within a day!"

Zim didn't think much of this, but when this final prophecy came true, he regretted it. Slowly Future Booze Jesus devolved back into plain, ordinary John Bruni, which was not pleasant. All he ever talked about was alcohol. It was like being stuck with Bubba in Forrest Gump.

"Wild Turkey 101," Bruni said. He stared blankly ahead. "Wild Turkey 80. Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Russell's Reserve. George Dickel white label. George Dickel black label. George Dickel rye. Jim Beam. Jim Beam black. Jacob's Ghost. The Devil's Cut. Evan Williams. Fleischmann's. Old Grand-Dad bonded. Old Grand-Dad unbonded. Old Overholt. Old Fitzgerald. Jameson. Bushmills. Stillbrook."

"Shut up!" Zim yelled. "I can't stand it anymore!"

Bruni switched to beer. "Flying Dog Classic Pale Ale. Flying Dog Road Dog. Gonzo Imperial Stout. Guinness. Rusty Dog Amber. Stonewood Ale. Alpha King. Icehouse."

"Stop!"

Time for malt liquor. "King Cobra. Colt 45. Night Train."

Zim screamed and covered both ears. He was more of a rum kind of guy.

When he got tired of holding his hands up to his ears, he let them drop to his sides. Blissful silence filled the air. He opened his eyes and watched as Bruni quietly got to his feet and walked up to the bars and grasped them. A faint blue glow surrounded him. "Oh boy."

"Welcome back to reality, Bruni," Zim said.

Bruni didn't respond.

"Hello?" Zim said. He knocked on Bruni's head. "McFly!"

Bruni turned. "You talking to me?"

"I never saw Taxi Driver," Zim said.

"My name is Bruni?"

Zim rolled his eyes. "Great. I think you finally drank too much. Way to go."

"I'm not who you think I am," Bruni said. "My name is actually Dr. Sam Beckett. I'm from the future."

"Yeah, yeah. Future Booze Jesus. Right."

"No. I'm a scientist. I found a way to time travel. I call it Leaping. I can only Leap within my own lifetime or within my lifeline. And I can only Leap into someone else's body. I'm trying to put right what once went wrong."

"That sounds familiar," Zim said.

"But in my journeys I've discovered that there's someone else Leaping through time, except she's putting wrong what once went right," Bruni continued. "Alia, the Evil Leaper, went back to the Wild West and caused trouble as someone named Mad Dog DD."

"Hey, I know that guy! I killed him. But he, you know, had it coming."

"Mad Dog DD was not supposed to die. He was supposed to reproduce—"

"Ew," Zim said.

"—because his offspring is important to today's world. I don't know how, but Al told me that Ziggy told him that DD must live to reproduce. You have to go back in time and stop yourself from killing him."

"That's ridiculous," Zim said. "I'd never agree to do that. Even I've got some scruples. DD's line needs to die off."

"Even Gollum did some good in the end of Lord of the Rings," Sam said. "DD's line eventually causes something good to happen by accident, something that prevents Zardoz from appearing in the present."

"You mean, the giant stone head that vomits guns?" Zim asked.

"Yes. Except he's really an Eternal by the name of Arthur Frayn. Not that it matters. He doesn't come to prominence until hundreds of years in the future. You don't have to worry about him, provided you can stop yourself from killing Mad Dog DD."

Zim gave a tremendous sigh. "Do I have to? Killing that guy was the only thing I enjoyed about my adventure back in the Wild West."

"You have to! Or we're all doomed! Even Project: Quantum Leap will be shut down if you don't do this."

Zim shook his head with a grimace. "Why does this shit always happen to me? Why can't things go back to normal? I just want to spend my time sleeping and working for the box company."

"And you'll be able to do that stuff again," Bruni said. "All you have to do is go back in time and save Mad Dog DD's life."

"But that goes against my every principle, in as much as I have them."

"Don't worry. According to Ziggy in the original timeline, Mad Dog DD was killed when, during a shootout, he accidentally stepped on a rusty nail. Satisfied?"

"I guess so," Zim said. "What do I have to do?"

"In a minute the Eternals are going to take Bruni away. They're going to sacrifice him to Zardoz. When they open the cage, you have to fight your way out. A colleague is waiting in the woods over there." He pointed. "He'll get you where you need to go."

Just then the Eternals showed up and opened the cage. They grabbed Bruni by both arms.

"How will I know him?" Zim asked.

"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king!" Bruni shouted. They dragged him away before he could say anything else.

Just before they closed the cage Zim lashed forward, surprising even himself with his swiftness and efficiency. Of course it helped that the guards were women with their tits hanging out. Even in a moment like this Zim took it upon himself to punch and slap them on their breasts so he could feel them and fight them at the same time. It took little effort to knock them down. He still took the time to cop a feel on the unconscious women. He was used to that kind of thing.

"Run, Zim, run!" Bruni yelled.

Zim took off toward the woods, and the Eternals gave chase. They sent their men after him. Not that there was much of a difference. Most of the men around here were pretty effeminate, and Zim knew he could take them, as he considered himself pretty manly.

They were fast, though, and in no time they were upon him. Zim gritted his teeth as he prepared to be taken down.

And something roared from the woods. The Eternals dropped, blood running from various gunshot wounds. A man leaned against a tree, reloading a massive automatic weapon. He wore a long trench coat and had long hair framing his face. One of his eyes was covered by a patch.

"Thanks, mister," Zim said. "Are you the guy that Bruni—Dr. Beckett was telling me about?"

"Call me Snake," he said. "We gotta get out of here. I hope you don't mind gliders."

"Um . . . gliders?"

Snake led him back into the woods, where a glider awaited. It was actually rocket propelled, and it looked like there was barely room for two if they lay directly on top of each other.

"I'm not getting in there," Zim said. "I don't want your ass rubbing against my junk."

Snake whirled around, pressing a knife against Zim's face. "You think I'm asking you? I think you can save the world without a few of your fingers."

Zim sighed. "Goddammit. Fine. Let's do this."

In short time Zim found himself perched on Snake's back in the glider, but he pushed himself back so the pilot's ass was nowhere near his genitals. He looked over Snake's shoulder, surprised to find that there was no window, that Snake was guiding them only with a digital readout.

"That looks weird," Zim said. He pointed.

Snake slapped his hand away. "Don't touch anything."

Zim waited a moment. Then: "What does this do?" And his finger grazed a button. He really didn't think he'd pressed it, but something dropped off the glider, and the rockets cut out.

"What did I tell you?" Snake hissed. "Don't touch anything!"

"What did I just do?"

"You jettisoned the fuel supply. I have to land this thing manually, and I don't think that's possible."

"I . . . uh . . . well, your name is Snake. I'm sure if anyone can do this, you can."

Snake grimaced, and it looked like it was a struggle not to hit Zim.

"Why does it look like that graphic's getting bigger?" Zim asked.

"That's the ground. It's getting bigger because it's getting closer. Grab onto something."

Without thinking about how gay it might look, Zim wrapped his arms around Snake's waist and started praying. They crashed down, and Zim blacked out instantly.

Hours later Zim opened his eyes, and he realized that the glider had broken open. Snake was still under him, but there was a giant piece of metal sticking into his head, and he wasn't breathing. That's just great, Zim thought.

But when he looked up he saw that he was in a ditch near a Circle K. At the very least he could get Flamin' Hot Cheetos. That made him think of Fitz, and he remembered that his roommate was dead, milked to death by the Eternals. By now Brandon had probably joined him, and Future Booze Jesus wasn't long for this world, either.

Yep, he'd fucked up the world once again, and now it was up to him to unfuck it. Even worse, his shirt was all torn up, and he knew that with no shirt or shoes, he would get no service.

Wait. There was hope yet.

He walked into the Circle K and approached the clerk. "Look. I know about no shirt, no shoes, no service, but do you guys sell shirts?"

The clerk did not dignify this with a response. Then again she did not stop Zim from picking up some chips.

"How much?"

As soon as he'd paid up Zim wandered outside just in time to see the sky split open. A phone booth dropped from the clouds and landed without a problem in the parking lot. From within two guys, one blond and one dark-haired, stumbled out. They air-guitared each other, and surprisingly enough Zim could hear the tune.

"That was excellent, Ted 'Theodore' Logan!" the blond one said.

"Wyld Stallyns rude, Bill S. Preston, Esquire!" the dark-haired one said.

"I can't believe we went back in time and got Caligula to help us win World War II!"

"That was gnarly!"

"Let's get some nachos!" Bill said.

"Rad!" Ted said.

They walked past Zim without locking their phone booth. Zim looked at it, chewing on his chips, and he knew what Sam Beckett had been talking about. This was what Snake was taking him to see. This was the time machine that would bring him back to the Wild West, to Mad Dog DD."

Zim got into the phone booth and looked at the controls. It looked like the average touchtone system. How did this thing work?"

The book! He flipped it open, but it was hard to find what he was looking for. DD wasn't listed under the Wild West. In fact there were so many names listed here that he didn't know which one to take.

Instead he jabbed his finger down at random, and when he looked he saw two words: McCrae and Call. He dialed the number as quickly as he could . . .

CRIS ZIM WILL RETURN IN . . . SALVATION!