A Touch of Regret

"Sometimes in order to save what we love,
we have to risk losing it. "
Dr. Tanizaki, "Cyberman" season 2 episode 4 of Torchwood

Jack knocked timidly at the locked apartment door and took a deep breath. He was tense and so nervous for the first time in a long while. This time he had to make up for a loss. It wasn't like Ianto had been innocent – he had lied to the team, deceived them for months. Jack didn't know what had hurt him more, the realization that Ianto had wrangled himself in to Torchwood in order to help his girlfriend Lisa or that he had betrayed him in doing so. Jack cursed himself that he had really believed that Ianto had wanted to work with them only on Jack's account. That he had really been interested in Jack. These compliments on his coat, the salacious smiles of the young Welshman... All just a well-played act.

Jack sighed and tried to ignore the upcoming rage. He was here to apologize for his behaviour towards Ianto. It hadn't been quite professional, how he had reacted when Lisa had been completely converted into a Cyberman. He hadn't been able to control himself, had gone too far with his rage and anger.

Finally, a woman of middle age opened the door. She already had graying short hair, wore too much make-up and too tight garments for her chubby body. Surprised and curiously she eyed the man standing outside her apartment door.

"How can I help you?", the lady asked suspiciously, eyeballing Jack's unusual style of clothing from head to toe.

"I'd like to see Ianto Jones", replied Jack with a smile, trying to be as polite as possible. In reality his nerve fibres were just tearing apart. He needed to see Ianto, needed to apologize to him finally. Again and again he saw in his mind's eye the broken face of the young man, the despair gleaming in his pupils. What had he been thinking, asking after the wellbeing of his employee only now and not earlier?

A period of 3 weeks had gone by since Lisa had been completely destroyed and since he had suspended Ianto from office for a month...

"Mr. Jones no longer lives here. He moved out a few weeks ago, I am the new tenant."

Jack was startled out of his gloomy thoughts when he heard the elder lady say this. Ianto had moved? Why hadn't he told him? Perhaps he hadn't dared to call? Jack hadn't been too kind when they had talked the last time...

"If you wait a moment, I'll give you his new address ..."

The woman disappeared briefly in the flat's living room and came back with a small piece of paper. Jack thanked her politely when she handed him the note; then he quickly ran down the stairs to the exit of the apartment building. He paused shortly to memorise the address and had to smile when he recognized Ianto's best handwriting.

...

A few blocks and about half an hour later, Jack was completely out of breath, standing in front of the house where Ianto was living now. He had been so confused and nervous that he had run all the way. His heart beat violently and relentlessly against his ribs as he knocked at Ianto's door. Silence. A minute passed, maybe two. Jack wondered if the younger was home at all. He drew a deep breath to banish his edginess and knocked again, this time a bit more intense.

At last he heard footsteps in the apartment, shuffling, slow steps. Suddenly the door opened. Ianto looked at him with tired eyes, with a strangely indifferent glance. Not even his usual smile crept to his lips as he faced his boss. Jack was alarmed when he saw how sunken in the cheeks had become in the death-pale face.

"Jack," Ianto registered soberly, it wasn't even roughly a proper welcome.

"May I come in?", Jack asked, trying to estimate carefully how things were between him and Ianto now. Whether the Welshman still wanted to ram his fist into his face or if he had calmed down. Ianto shrugged indifferently, left the door open and disappeared in his flat. For a moment Jack felt the anger appear again, seething like hot water, but he tried to steady down. Why did Ianto's apathy madden him so much?

When he entered the apartment, he was astonished. Ianto lived here for only a few weeks, but the flat was completely furnished. He hadn't been idle, that much was clear. Each cabinet had been rebuilt, there were lights in every room, even small decorative items such as mirrors or candles had been placed in the rooms. Suddenly Jack came to realize one thing, when he had a quick look at Ianto's bedroom – it was all narrow, space-saving... it was a single-apartment, designed for one person.

With relish Jack inhaled the smell that hung in the air of every room – a hint of sandalwood, fresh linen, and honey, mixed with Ianto's own unique scent. Jack immediately felt the warmth spilling through his body, he felt cozy in Ianto's new home. He found Ianto on the couch in his living and dining room, rummaging thoughtfully and with a serious face in a small cardboard box.

Carefully and cautiously Jack sat down beside Ianto, automatically keeping a respectful distance to the brooding man next to him. Curiously he watched Ianto's hands and realized with horror what the younger was doing. He singled out old items, memorabilia, touched each thing gently, as if it were pure gold running through his fingers. He dropped into his lap of what he could go without, put the rest carefully back into the small box.

"What do you want, Jack?", Ianto asked, without facing the eyes of the immortal. At these words Jack felt how carefully he had to deal with Ianto. The situation was about to escalate, the air was already burning with tension, though not many words had been spoken.

"I just wanted to ... check on you. "

Ianto smiled briefly and humourlessly, closed the box and put it aside. For the first time this day he looked Jack straight in the eye; a hot and cold shudder ran down Jack's spine, inwardly he felt a strong quake. These clear, blue eyes, behind which so much unspeakable pain was hidden, looked directly into his inner self, made him calm.

"I'm fine, Jack. I don't need your company, you can go now", Ianto replied curtly with a neutral voice. Only in his eyes something like grief and anger flashed. A hint of anguish and sorrow shone in the aqueous blue of his pupils. Agitated Jack kneaded his hands together and looked down at the clean laminate floor.

He didn't know what to say, he only knew that he felt miserable – he simply hadn't seen how bad Ianto felt, that he was carrying a dark secret, too great a burden for his young shoulders. Jack had always felt responsible for his team, and now he thought how much he had let Ianto down. It was only when he perceived a drop on the couch next to him that he looked up.

Dismayed he perceived that Ianto was crying silently and secretly beside him, the tears ran down his cheeks unchecked. The dark-haired man had put his legs to his chest, had pillowed his chin upon his knees. His eyes looked far away into an empty distance, while his memories wandered off to happier days. Jack gently laid a warm hand upon Ianto's boney back and moved closer.

"I'm sorry, Ianto. That shouldn't have happened... but we had no choice."

"Why do you care now? Usually you didn't care how I felt, what concerned me, as long as I didn't cause problems and fulfilled my tasks perfectly", Ianto muttered and hid his face in his knees.

Jack realised more and more how vast the extent of the disaster was, how much he had hurt Ianto with his careless manner. Nevertheless, he felt the ice between them break slowly. At last they came to the talk which they should have had a good while ago.

"I know, Ianto, I know", he replied, as he gently began to stroke Ianto's back.

"And it was wrong of me, and I'm sorry. I wasn't attentive enough, I should have noticed. And I'm sorry you're the one who has to mourn a loss... but I couldn't save her."

Jack watched as Ianto took a deep breath, showed his face again and wiped away the tears from his cheeks with trembling fingers. A tidal wave of compassion swept over Jack, he wished so dearly that he could do something to comfort Ianto. Slowly the younger calmed down, leaned back and closed his eyelids, feeling quite exhausted. The immortal had taken his hand now and stroked the back of his hand lovingly.

"I miss her, Jack... I miss coming home, taking her into my arms. The scent of her hair, her babbling on the phone with her friends, her laughter... how we strolled through the park on weekends, went shopping... It's as if I no longer function without her, as if a part of me is missing...", Ianto started after a little while.

Jack pricked up his ears attentively, hanging on every word Ianto said. It was good to hear his voice again for more than just a few seconds. While the Welsh vowels calmed Jack's heart and pleasantly warmed his insides, it did Ianto the world of good to talk about his feelings to someone finally. There was no one else but his Torchwood colleagues he could talk to about the incident. Who else would have believed him why Lisa had to die?

"I would have done anything for her. After I had smuggled her into the building, I spent every day there with her, was there as often as I could. Eventually I fell asleep there too, only came home to take a shower or change clothes. It could have gone on forever like this, but Lisa started to be in great deal of pain. I felt so sorry for her, and I couldn't do anything to help her or to let our lives be the same as before. Now I think I've made everything worse, calling Dr Tanizaki to look in on her... Without him, she might still be alive. That would still be better than having nothing of her at all..."

"Do you think she would have wanted that? A life that only consists of pain, strapped to a machine in a dark basement?", Jack asked gently, whereupon Ianto had to smile sadly. A tear covered his marble white cheek.

Seized Jack studied Ianto's angelic face, he looked so beautiful, so fragile, so adorable in his suffering...

"Of course not... I just didn't want to disappoint her. I promised that I would find a way. And now she's dead... and I also failed you, and myself too. I've lied to you, myself, to Lisa. I don't know what to do now, where to go now..."

At the end of this sentence Ianto's voice broke, he began to cry again. With a heartbreaking sigh Jack moved closer to the emotional wreck next to him; without much hesitation he took Ianto into his strong arms, pressed him against his chest. At first he felt Ianto's breath falter, how his body stiffened. Then he felt the warmth and moisture of his breath and his tears on his shirt. Enchanted Jack inhaled the scent of Ianto's hair, enjoying the feel of his soft skin, when they stayed in the embrace, cheek to cheek.

Ianto finally hugged Jack back, put his arms around Jack's hips and allowed the tears to flow freely. He pressed himself closer to the comforting, soothing body of Jack, while sobbing quietly. It felt so good to be embraced again, to be cared for, being perceived by someone. Again and again Jack finger's stroked Ianto's quivering back, streaked through his dark hair.

"You're going nowhere, Ianto Jones. You'll stay with us now... and this time I promise you that I'm going to take care of you, I'm here for you, at any time. Whenever you need me. Is that clear?", Jack promised in a husky voice. Ianto's weeping had also brought the tears into his eyes. His heart was bleeding with sympathy and condolences. He knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. And Ianto was lying at his heart so much that he couldn't bear it, seeing him so hopelessly destroyed.

He smiled when he felt Ianto nodding timidly against his chest, and closed his arms tightly around him.

"This time we'll do it right, okay? No more secrets...", Jack whispered. He tenderly kissed Ianto's temple.

Touched he smiled, when he noticed how Ianto's fingers dug into his back.

THE END