A/N: Well this oneshot is long overdue, lol. I started it well over a month ago and only got around to posting it now. I've been so busy with school and stuff lately it isn't even funny, but only one more week until 3 week break, so hopefully in that time I can update some of my stuff. I have a few other stories I want to start writing as well, but I probably wont post them until later as I want the updates for those stories to be regular and consistent, so They'll have to be at least nearly finished when I start posting them. In the mean time, please enjoy this oneshot. Note: Spoilers for chapter 397 (Oh, and I know most of Aizen's people are meant to be dead, but who cares, its crack).
Aizen's New Career
Aizen wasn't quite sure how it happened. He had organised a day into the Human World for him and his Espada, complete with gigais. Somewhere along the way, Aizen had needed to take a leak. When he returned the little boy's room however, he found that his 'loyal' Espada had dogged him. Those bastards.
Without anything further to do, Aizen innocently wandered his way through the town. It wasn't long before he came across a large academic looking building. Stoping in his tracks, the ex-captain turned to admire the buildings beauty. It was multiple stories high, comprised mainly with cement and clear, clean windows.
"Wooow…" sighed Aizen in elation. "I could really use something like this in Las Noches…What's is like on the inside?"
And without reading the screamingly obvious sign above the doors, Aizen walked forward and entered the building. No sooner had he entered however, a middle-aged woman came running over to him.
"Are you the specialised sensei?" she asked quickly.
Aizen opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the woman. "Never mind now, come on hurry! They're waiting," and with that, she tugged him up, through the building.
…
Ichigo yawned and continued reading through his magazine and lazily dodged a paper aeroplane that came his way. They were supposed to have some guy come in today to give them some sort of sex talk. He was running late though, and everyone was finding a way to fill the time. Orihime was daydreaming, while doodling god-knows-what on a spare piece of paper, as Chad sat silently beside Ichigo. Ishida was sitting in the corner, trying to look cool. By working on his cross-stitch. Yeah…
Others were finding less quiet ways to spend time; Chizuru relentlessly hit on Orihime, as Tatsuki grew noticeably infuriated, before coming after the indiscrete lesbian with a folded chair. The walls of the classroom were no restriction for Keigo and Mizurio; the two could be heard as they ran up and down the nearby corridors on a wheely chair. Michiru and Mahana were loudly discussing a number of topics whilst drawing on the board, as Ryo absentmindedly nodded along with their remarks, to consumed in her book to even care. The rest of the class were either running around the room, talking amongst themselves, or adding to the accumulating designs on the board. Everyone was caught by surprise as Keigo and Mizurio quickly and drastically burst into the room on the wheely chair.
"He's COMING!" they shouted.
In a hurry, the class fell back in order, Michiru quickly sliding into her seat, just as the Deputy walked in with the sex talk guy. Ichigo quickly finished the sentence he was reading, before looking up from his magazine. What he saw made his mouth drop open. Cue 'Psycho' music.
It can't be…thought Ichigo. It's not….
He quickly glanced around the room, only to see Orihime, Chad and Ishida sporting similar expressions.
Lets see…first our male cat guide is a hot female woman…then that annoying little kid is an Espada and a hot female woman…then my dads a Captain class Shinigami…now THIS? What the hell is he doing here?
"Now class," began deputy. "Please welcome Mr…sorry, what was your name again?"
"Ummm…Aizen…"
"Mr. Aizen."
Ichigo watched as Aizen scanned the class, doing a double take when his eyes landed on him.
"You!" said Aizen, now also aware of the other three.
"…Ai…zen…" said Orihime.
"…" was all Chad could manage.
"Uhh…" said Ichigo.
"You know these students?" deputy questioned Aizen.
"Uhhh…why, yes!" said Aizen, attempting to play along. "In fact they…uhh…spent part of the summer at my place!"
"Really?" deputy questioned, looking at Ichigo.
"Umm…Yeah!" Ichigo played along, as it was in a ways true.
"We…umm…get along rather famously," added Aizen.
"You could say that," mumbled Ichigo.
"What the heck are you doing at our school?" demanded Ishida, standing abruptly.
"Ishida!" scolded deputy. "I never would have thought I'd hear that type of outburst from you of all people. Apologize to Mr. Aizen this instant!"
"Uhh…"
"NOW!"
"…Sorry Aizen…"
"That's Mr. Aizen!"
"Sorry Mr. Aizen…"
Deputy sighed, content. "Now, Mr. Aizen has come to teach you sexual education."
"Huh?" said Aizen.
Ichigo snorted.
"Be good for him, please," was all deputy said before she left the room, leaving Aizen alone in the class full of teenagers.
There was a long awkward pause.
"So…ahem…sex ed, is it?" began Aizen. "This takes me back…"
An uncomfortable silence stilled the class, broken only by Keigo's snickers.
"He said 'sex'" the boy giggled quietly.
"And you'd better get used to it," warned Tatsuki, before diverting her gaze towards Aizen, who was beginning the lesson.
"I assume you all know that the objective of sexual intercourse is to conceive offspring," Aizen stated casually.
"It does WHAT?" asked Keigo, shocked at this startling revelation.
"Indeed," remarked Aizen, before addressing the class again. "Now, I wouldn't call myself an expert or anything, but I have in fact witnessed a number of conceptions myself. Why, one of whom is sitting right here in this room."
His eyes landed on Ichigo. Ichigo thought of his most recent encounter with Aizen, only mere days beforehand. "I knew about you from the moment you were conceived…"
Ichigo head/desked, earning a few stared from the students around him.
Stalker perv… he thought.
"But that is a whole other story in itself," said Aizen, chuckling to himself. "More to the point now. You are all of adolescent age, as I believe. I'm sure that by this stage of your life, you are well into puberty and are experiencing many new strange and foreign feelings. Your hormones are in constant combat with one another. You may be feeling a mixture of feelings such as anxiety, uneasiness and depression. But if ever you feel the need to talk to someone, find a trusted adult such as myself."
Oh yeah…thought Ichigo, thinking about fighting Aizen in their inevitable final showdown. Like I'd take advice from him for my pubescent struggles…
"I'm warning you now," continued Aizen. "With these new feelings, you're going to develop sudden urges. You're going to want to touch each other. You're going to want to feel each other. You're going to want to take of all your clothes and examine one another. When you reach this intimate extent, always make sure to minimize your riestu leak. To do so otherwise could result in disastrous consequences. Take my experience as your lesson."
There was a long pause, before Ishida spoke. "Uhh…Aizen…These are humans you're talking to."
"Humans?" said Aizen. "Oh right! Then it is very important to use protection to avoid STDs, impregnation and unwanted herbal growth. Condoms work well, always use them. Those little guys can get you out of a lot of trouble. Now…if I could just get an example…"
A few moments later, Aizen stood at the front of the class with a banana borrowed from Keigo in one hand, and a condom in the other.
"Wh…what's he going to do?" Keigo asked concerned over the possible fate of his snack.
"Now, observe!" declared Aizen, slipping to condom over the banana in one swift movement.
A gasp of shock and horror shockwaved through the classroom, broken only by Keigo's anguished cry of "Nooooooooo! My recess!"
"And that," stated Aizen smugly. "Is how you activate a condom."
"What a man," breathed one of the boys toward the front of the classroom, as the others either murmured or snickered and Keigo wailed.
"There's your banana, son," said Aizen kindly, as he placed the fruit back on Keigo's desk.
"I don't want that now!" cried Keigo enraged. "You've contaminated it with that heathen device!"
Ignoring Keigo, Aizen wandered back to the front of the classroom.
"Now," he continued. "Uhh…"
Truth be told, what Aizen had already said and done was about the extent of his knowledge on sexual education. He was beginning to wonder what to do, when a flamboyantly dressed pink-haired man burst into the room.
"Ah, Szayel! Said Aizen thankfully. "Right on time. Now here class, is a man who has had many a century of experience covering this topic."
Szayel curtsied.
"You!" called Ishida, standing up from the back of the room, and pointing a menacing finger at the Octava Espada. "You're supposed to be dead!"
There was a long pause as the majority of the class stared at Ishida, a growing hunch that their fellow class member was indeed falling into insanity.
"Why, whatever are you talking about, Ishida-kun?" asked Szayel.
"I saw you die!"
"Really now, enough with these nonsense stories. How could I be dead if I am standing right before you now? That's like implying I'm a ghost! Ha! Anyway, I have come up with a number of scenarios for you all to work into a skit with. Get into groups of three or four."
Soon enough, all the class had made themselves into groups.
"But wait!" complained Aizen. "I have no one to go with!"
"That's okay, Aizen-sama," said Szayel. "Ishida-kun will join you!"
"I will not!" argued Ishida from across the room, where he was seated with a couple of other students.
"I do believe that as a teacher, I am in charge," stated Szayel, flicking his hair gaily.
"But if I go with Aizen, we'll only be a group of two," Ishida pointed out.
"Not if I join you~"
"Oh God, help me…"
Several minutes later, all groups had been given, practiced and were ready to perform their skits in front of the rest of the students. First up were a group that enacted a situation that portrayed a late night party. Ichigo wasn't entirely sure of exactly what their skit was supposed to be about, but it seemed to be portrayed through a rather intense interpretive dance, and ended with Chizuru giving a deep and moving classical piece on a piano for some reason. Ichigo didn't even know where the piano came from; let alone how the skit had anything to do with sexual education. Next were Orihime, Tatsuki, Keigo and Mizurio. Their skit was quite…unique, and involved aliens, microwaves and odd dishwashing liquids, as well as an array of different household appliances. After about fifteen minutes of absurd nonsense, Mizurio stood and said, "So always use condoms. The end."
"Brilliant! Splendid!" applauded Aizen, despite the fact that other than the skit's climax, it had nothing to do with sexual education.
Next was Szayel, Aizen and Ishida's turn. From what Ichigo could gather, Ishida was supposed to be the 'guy', Szayel was supposed to be the 'girl' and he had no idea as to what Aizen was supposed to be. The skit ended abruptly to Szayel's dismay, with Ishida walking out of the classroom, shaking his head and muttering "I don't believe this…"
Finally, it was Ichigo's groups turn. However, just as they were getting to the climax of the skit (which involved Szayel deciding he wanted a part in it by fetching Ishida from the bathroom and trying to force him into a lovely magenta-coloured Qipao), the sound of an unearthly screech echoed from the grounds below. Aizen and Ichigo simultaneously glared and gazed out the window. Screeches like that could only mean one thing.
"Hollow!" wailed Szayel, quickly whimpering and cowering beneath Chad's desk.
"I'll fix this," said Ichigo impassively, as he grabbed his Shinigami badge, discarding his human body.
"Not so fast, Kurosaki-kun," Aizen said, raising his finger only so much like he had mere days beforehand. "I am the teacher and I command you to stay here and finish your skit before I dismiss you. The hollow can wait."
"And let it eat souls in the mean time?" questioned Ichigo rhetorically. "I don't think so."
"I'll put you on detention for this, Kurosaki-kun."
"WHAT? That's not fair, I'll be quick!"
"Rules are rules, Kurosaki, and letting you out of class before dismissal is not part of the curriculum."
"Screw the damn curriculum," spat Ichigo, as he jumped onto the window ledge. "I'll get rid of this hollow…"
"I can't allow this, Kurosaki-kun," spoke Aizen, but it was too late. Ichigo had already left the premises. Aizen sighed. "I knew he'd do that…" Turning to address the class, he said, "Well it seems we have a young rebel in our midst. Please entertain yourselves while I go and retrieve him." And with that, The Great Aizen reverted to his soul body and went in pursuit of his naughty, disobedient student.
…
Ichigo owned the hollow without even batting an eyelash. He bought Zangetsu up over his shoulder and began making his way back to class, just as a highly distressed looking Aizen suddenly appeared before him. Ichigo quickly brandished his sword.
"Put that weapon down young man, we're going to talk this through with words," Aizen said in a commanding, teacher-like voice.
Ichigo did not lower his weapon. "If you've got something to say, then say it."
"Fine then, extra detention for further disobedience," Aizen snapped curtly.
"I don't think you understand, Aizen," said Ichigo. "You see, I am the substitute Shinigami. Going off and slaying hollows is part of my job, even if I have to leave during the middle of class."
"I don't think you understand either, Kurosaki Ichigo," spoke Aizen. "My job as a teacher is to look out for and watch over you. If you run off and something bad happens to you, do you know whose going to get the blame? Hmm?"
"Uhh…"
"Well…?"
"Whoever's supposed to be my teacher at the time, I suppose…"
"Exactly! Now you see, as a teacher it is my job to watch over and protect you from any harm that might come your way. Furthermore, it seems the topic of sexual education discomforts you, and you were using this hollow as an excuse to avoid it…" Aizen continued to scold and lecture Ichigo, who was only half listening. His concentration was more focussed on several gargantas that seemed to be forming behind Aizen. Noticing Ichigo's attention was elsewhere, Aizen diverted his gaze to the opening gargantas.
"Oh, for the love of god!" Aizen groaned, facepalming as several Gillians began emerging. "How often do I need to tell you guys? No random apparitions while I am trying to tell of an underlying! Did I even tell you today was a 'smite the human world' day? Ichigo needs to get back to class and you are wasting his valuable learning time! Are you listening to what I am saying? Hey!"
The Gillians didn't seem to be listening. Rather, the giant hollows made their way further into the town.
"Right," said Aizen, facing the rebellious Menos. "If none of you are back in those gargantas by the time I count to three, I will become Very Angry! One…"
The Gillians stepped further into the town.
"Two…"
Only more garantas opened, and more hollows emerged.
"Three! That's it! I'm angry! BANKAI!"
…
Ichigo never really did know what happened after that. Next thing he knew, Aizen was shoving him down the schools hallways, and muttering about rebellious youths. He pushed Ichigo into an empty classroom, before following and shutting the door. Ichigo made to grab for Zangetsu, only to realise he was back in his material body.
"So is this how you want to settle this?" he sneered angrily at Aizen. "This entire 'Winter War' right here? With no weapons, only words? You said before that we were going to talk this through with words."
"But Ichigo, words are but the most powerful weapons," Aizen said, his lips curving into a smug grin. "And they can inflict more pain than any blade."
"You mean that after all these battles, after this entire huge dispute over power, we are going to end it all with something as anti-climatic as a civil discussion? This is lame!"
Aizen snorted. "Don't be silly, as if I'd let you talk your way out of the Seireitei's problems after my centuries of scheming. As you may recall, I placed you on a detention earlier of for exiting class against my permission. As a punishment, you are to write 'I will not avoid sex-ed' 10000 times on this white board. These words will eventually be the weapon in teaching you a lesson for avoiding topics you may deem as awkward."
Ichigo sighed. "I wasn't avoiding the lesson! I had to get rid of that hollow."
"Excuses, excuses," Aizen taunted. "I know you may find sex-ed an uncomfortable topic, especially since I spectated your creation."
Ichigo groaned.
"But as I said earlier, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, just seek out a trusted adult, like myse-"
"SHUT UP! You are the last person I'd come to for counselling! Wait…make that second last."
"Very well," said Aizen standing. "If you don't wish I will leave you to your line-writing then."
As Aizen exited the school, he smirked. "Until next time. Kurosaki Ichigo…"
Ichigo groaned as he turned and faced the whiteboard. The sooner the final battle, the better…
The End…!
I know Aizen wouldn't just go Bankai like that, but yeah. Come to think of it, the chances that this fanfic will actually happen in the canon are quite low…
Hope you enjoyed this random piece anyway! Please review!
-Kris