Hello all you Harry Potter fan people things! How y'all doin this lovely day, eh? Yes, for all those who actually read this part (I know your kind are not great in numbers), I want you all to know that, NO, THIS IS NOT A FACTUAL ACCOUNT!!! I'm sorry, I know you all believe that the Harry Potter books are all biographies of some lil' nerdy boy and the world he discovers and stuff... well, J K Rowlings lied to you. That's right, Harry Potter IS NOT REAL!!! This come as a shock to you, just as when you found out Santa was just an imaginary characters who dies a couple hundred years ago... if you didn't know that yet, now you do. That's right, I am shattering your childhood dreams in this here paragraph that's normally reserved for disclaimers (which I will get to shortly). Yes, also, NO, THIS IS NOT HOW THE LAST BATTLE WILL BE... I hope... I cannot see the future, therefore I'm not able to write how Harry gonna kick snake guy's ass, end up with a chick (Hermione, Ginny, Cho, some random bimbo), and save the world from evil. So yes, I am making this all up, and you are not to take any of it seriously. Oh, and this series is not mine, nor are the characters... there's your damn disclaimer. Anyway, if any of the stuff in this paragraph has shocked you, or spoiled anything for you... congratulations, you are a moron. Now read my fic.

Yes, it was the last battle. Not the second to last, not the third; fourth to last is out of the question. It was the LAST battle, emphasis on LAST. Young Harry Potter of age... whatever one works for you... and the dark, evil, bad, diabolical, despicable, malicious, cruel, malign, add as many more adjectives as you please Lord Voldemort. Ron and Hermione stood in the background watching because they're always there, after all, Harry can't wipe his ass without those two around, and Voldemort had what minions he had left standing there. It's surprising how a whole nation can't take down this jack ass and his followers, but somehow these three brats always seem to manage. Everyone formed a ring around the young boy and the Dark Lord, waiting in anticipation for what would happen next.

Voldemort: AVADA KADAVRA!!!

Harry: *dies*

Oh wow, the ever anticipated, yet short battle had ended, and evil had triumphed once again for good is dumb. So now, the death eaters thought, 'crap, like, let's throw a party dude' and then they did. At the party...

Mrs. Parkinson: Oh Voldie, you were, like, so sexy when you waved your wand. You can curse me any day!

Voldemort: Don't call me Voldie. *kills her*

Random Death Eaters: DUDE SWEET!!!

Hermione: Wait, Ron, why are we here at this party tied to poles on a large stage with bunches of wood piled up underneath us?

Ron: *inebriated* hic I dunno bitch! You tell me!!

Hermione: Ah great, and the evil doers have taken the liberty of getting the sacrificial kid drunk.

Draco: *looking up at them* Oh, so YOU'RE the guys they're gonna set on fire, huh? HAHA!!!

Hermione: Draco?! You're a Death Eater?!

Draco: No, but my daddy is so I get to come along for the party, and GUESS WHAT!!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!

Ron: totally drunk I think I'm gonna make up a story all in handwriting cuz I need the practice and am too drunk to care.

Hermione: Crap, now he's gonna start babbling and it's all your people's fault!

Draco: FUCK ME!!! HAHA!!!!

Ron: LISTEN TO ME!!! Anyway, once there was this stork and he looked at me funny so I ate him. Well, he didn't agree with my stomach so I spit him back up again. Of course, he didn't like that at all, so he called the king stork over to deal with me. I didn't like the king stork, of course, because he was a pompous old windbag. I ran and I ran and I ran, but he still chased me, but I heard the voice of Jason Isaacs, probably because of the funny British people downstairs. They aren't quite right, you know, but neither am I so who am I to say? Anywho, they talked of god knows what, then I didn't pay any attention and realized my head hurt, even after a prairie oyster even. Crap, my talking is all screwy but what can I say? I'd like to see you focus bitch. Heh, I ain't handwriting anymore, am I dick face? Yeah, took you long enough to realize that. Damn that David Bowie!! I'd like to bone him. Wait, I don't have a dick and I don't wanna be pregnant cuz I'd be REAL FAT! I don't mean fat but REAL Fat! I could imagine it now... wait, no I couldn't, but it would be funny if I could, wouldn't it pet? Yeah, you're the one who understands me, but I wonder how much of this gets across to you. I talk to you everyday, after all, so why wouldn't you get it? Are you sick of me already? Can't blame you, I'm sick of myself. What can I say, I don't know what I'm saying, doing, acting, anything. Crap, I don't feel good. My vision is blurred and Tom Felton is a sex god! I don't know, personally, but I gotta go! Later fu!

Hermione: What the hell are you talking about?! You can't go anywhere, you num nut!

Draco:... Who's Tom Felton?... and why are you having a baby?! I'm so confused!

Hermione: Look, Draco, can you kill him already?

Draco: Hmm? Oh, let me check. DADDY!!!

Papa Malfoy then strode over to the scene.

Lucius: What is it my son?

Draco: Daddy, can we kill them? The red head's scaring me with dickless stories and angsty understanding crap.

Lucius: *to Ron* Are you trying to mind rape my son?!

Hermione: Wait... I thought that you were supposed to be an abusive father who beats your son regularly and really don't care what happens to him.

Lucius: Oh no, that's only in those god awful fanfics... and now that I have said that, I'm sure it'll show up in one of the books sooner or later, or something of the sort.

Hermione: Book?

Lucius: Oh never mind. Now then, once we have the permission of our dark master, we'll be frying you like hotdogs on the fourth of July.

Ron: But we's British! We HATE the fourth of July!!!

Lucius: ... that just gives us a better reason to brutally kill you... to let out our frustrations over losing those damn colonies.

Hermione: Wait, you can't kill us! Crap, you guys weren't even supposed to kill Harry. We're the good guys, after all, and because you are bad people, we are supposed to defeat you!

Lucius:... Yes, if this was going to be published, then that would most certainly be the case, but since this is just some dopey fic being put up on a webpage, we can do whatever the hell we want!

Hermione: Published? Fic?? What???

Lucius: .... dumb ass.

Voldemort, around that time, decided he wanted to get the flames started so that they could start the "God Damn America" refrain. All of the Death Eaters gathered around the platform to watch the two helpless children be burned at the stake.

Voldemort: Now then, have the children been prepared?

Narcissa: Well, we were able to get one of them vasshnickered, but the other one we just took 3/4 of the brain away from.

Mr. Crabbe: *holding sack w/ Hermione's 3/4 brain* And my kid will be stupid no more!!

Mr. Goyle: Yo, dude, we are so sharing!

Hermione: Huh? So that's why I've been so stupid this whole fic.

Draco: Yeah, Granger! Now you're a dip shit, but that doesn't matter cuz you're gonna die!!!!

Hermione: .... didn't you say that earlier?

Draco: Wha? *tries to recall the past events of the evening*

Voldemort: Shut up! Now, Lucius, since you're my right hand dude guy thing, I give you the privilege of dumping on the gasoline.

Lucius: I'm not worthy my lord.

Ron: YEAH!!! YOU'RE NOT WORTHY TO BUTTER MY GROIN YOU BLONDE BIMBO!!!!

Lucius: ... Dammit, hand me the gas!

Lucius dumps the friggin tank on Ron.

Voldemort: Um... you do realize that was all the gasoline we have... meaning we won't be able to burn the other one quite so easily.

Lucius: Oh, no worries! SON!!!

Draco: Yes, daddy dearest?

Lucius: Be a good little boy and grease Granger up with that cement gel you glob on daily.

Draco: Yes daddy!

Draco ran his hand through his hair as he walked up to Granger, collecting a shit load of gel from the daily gallon he put on to hold down his beautiful blonde locks (if a fangirl, you may now take this time to drool over the hottness............................................................................................. that should be enough time). He then drenched Hermione in the extra hold formula, who didn't seem to mind cuz, hey, there's a hot guy putting stuff on you that was in his hair. Who would complain? Once he had finished, he stepped off the platform, and stood next to his ever proud father.

Voldemort: Alright... now let's put the gel to the test.

Voldemort flicked a match ad chucked at Hermione. She went up in flames instantly. Voldemort was pleased, and went on to scorching Ron, thus killing off the whole terrific trio. Voldemort then looked to Draco.

Voldemort: Kid, that's some shit you got in your hair there. How'd you like the honour of leading us in "Star Spangle Banner My Ass"?

Draco: Okay!

And so the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters went on singing all of the favorite British songs while swaying in front of the warm fire with Draco leading in a lovely high soprano voice because... er... I say so. The days of evil had started, but I'm not going to write about that because I'm too lazy so.... um..

THE END... yeah

Yes, this is a one shot fic so no sequels. Anywho, that long speech Ron gave was actually something I had wrote a while ago when... not feeling well... yeah, that works. Anywho, that's why he was mentioning being dickless and being worried about getting pregnant and stuff if he and David Bowie hit the sack... sorry, I saw this movie where he looked REALLY hot (it was from back in the 80's though). He had this long blonde rock star haircut that looks bad on practically everyone who wears it but, for whatever reason, looked damn sexy on him. Movie was called Labyrinth, so if you like David Bowie go see it, if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, and if you don't like David Bowie, well, SCREW YOU BITCH!! It's sad he had to get old... oh well, time to move on to hotter men! YAY!!!