I do not own the story or any of the characters, though...if I could...I would love to own the beautiful Hephaestion!
I love Hephaestion. He is beautiful and perfect...and sad. I read other stories speaking of his sadness, his gradual loss of Alexander over the years, and his undying love. I read those stories and think "poor Hephaestion! Why can't he just be happy...why can't they just be together?"
So...what do I do? I end up writing something equally as sad, if not more so, than many of the other stories I have read. Why? I don't know, except that I can relate to the feelings, and it was on my heart. Maybe it's theraputic to give Hephaestion a voice to express himself and confront the changes in his life. Maybe I feel the same.
*sigh*
Why does this feel like "goodbye"? I am not losing you…..yet I am. I'm not saying goodbye to you, I'm saying goodbye to US.
When I look into your beautiful, luminous eyes, the rest of the world just fades away. Nothing matters, nothing appeals to me, except for the few inches in between us. It took everything I had not to reach out with my hands and stroke your cheek. It took everything I had not to pull you into a hug right at this moment, to claim your mouth in a desperate kiss, and declare you to be mine.
A tear slipped from my eye, as I try to fight it back. Right now, I'm afraid to touch you; afraid that will make this even more difficult.
You lift your head up and look at me, with my tear-filled eyes, and you whisper under your breath. Your voice is soft and low and sweet. I've rarely known you to be vulnerable; I've never seen you cry. You were a true warrior, one that fought for himself, and didn't need anyone to protect him, and yet I was there for you if and when you needed me.
You allow me to slide the ring onto your finger, though it changes nothing.
I wanted to scream out that I would miss you more than anything in the world, I wanted to tell you everything that my heart was telling me at this moment, I wanted to tell you that you are and always will be beautiful to me, and that your smile puts the sun to shame. You will always be the sun to me. Like Icarus, I cannot help but fly closer to you until I am burned. And it is killing me.
You are going to miss me, I am sure. But not, I think, as much as I will miss you.
My heart feels like it is going to explode. I want to tell you that I love you, that you mean the so much to me, that I do not want you to leave me. I wish I wasn't such a coward, I wish my lips would listen as my mind was commanding them to speak, to speak those three words, the three words that would change everything, yet nothing at all. I wish my arms would listen, as my mind was commanding them to wrap around you, and pull you into the most sincere of hugs, one that speaks to hearts. But I know that in reality, I am none of these things, I am not a risk taker, I'm too afraid of the chance that I might lose you, to do any of those things. I also know that it wouldn't change anything if I did. You have your life and your responsibilities, and you have to move on. Moving on…that is something I'm not sure I can do.
I would do more than miss you. I would spend every waking moment thinking about your eyes, which are like no other's, your golden curls, your warm smile, and your perfect words. I would spend every waking moment, dreaming of the day we could finally be united, and I would spend every night replaying our brief time together. The world is cruel. But this cruel, cruel world was also the one that brought you and I together.
In these brief moments of silence, your arms spontaneously fall around me; your warmth spreads across my cold, cold body, and I shiver. Did you know that we fit together perfectly, like pieces of an ultimate puzzle, a puzzle you still haven't solved? I am only too aware. In the puzzle of my own life, YOU are the missing piece…and therefore it will never be complete. There will always be a space that only you can fill.
Letting a few minutes pass, I finally pull away; I was so close to just melting into you, I was so close to never wanting to let go. This was too much. I never liked good-byes, especially not now. Through thick and thin, I will always be here for you, in any way you would want me.
My hands gripped your shoulders, as if to tell you, it was going to be okay. I wanted to be comforted by you, but even more, I wanted this not to be happening. I don't think I can bear the moment in which I actually turn and walk away from you. I wished with everything I had that things didn't have to change.
I would follow you to the end of the world and back, twice. I would die a thousand painful deaths for you, and I would give up everything I had for a life with you. Life, I wanted a life for us. I wanted to wake up each and every morning, knowing you'll be forever beside me. I wanted to wake up every day, knowing it was me alone that dwells in your heart, in your soul, and in your mind. I wanted to know that you loved me, and no other. I wanted everything for us. But I knew I wasn't brave enough to confront you now, especially since I knew it wouldn't do any good anyway. You can't change the circumstances of this day, or of the life you have chosen.
"Goodbye…" (did you really say it, or do I just feel it in my heart?)
The word pierced through me.
The word ended our moment.
The word felt like a slamming door in my face.
My insides screamed at me to tell you, I love you.I wanted to say it, just three words, eight letters, and you would be mine forever. My lips parted, but the words would not come. The intended vow turned out to be nothing more than silence. You were taking my breath away. And again, I know that even if I voiced it, nothing would really change. Your vow is to another; I am too late.
"I wish you a son, my Alexander" I said instead, removing all emotion from my voice. I wasn't going to be weak. I removed my hands from your shoulders and let them fall to my side. My gaze lingered a moment in your eyes, but soon after fell to the floor as well. Good-byes were always too painful, and I just couldn't look you in the eye right now. I feel lost, I'm losing my way without you. Not a single part of me wants to leave. I want to stay.
You probably thought I would be better at accepting this. You thought I would say just the right thing, to make our separation seem not so distant, you were always counting on me to say the right things, and now, in this time and space, I was speechless. You leave me speechless. I can't think of anything to make the moment better, or anything to make our story more epic, but as long as you and I were the characters, every story would be epic. As long as my love for you was the moral to the story, I would learn that same lesson over and over.
I open my mouth to say something, but the words caught in my throat. You will never know what I wanted to say because I turned away and walked in the opposite direction. This was going to be the last I saw you as my own, possibly forever. My only wish, my only regret... my only insufficiency was not being able to confront you, not being able to voice just three simple words, eight simple letters; my love for you. But now even if I could, it was too late, you were slipping away, moment by moment. The sun was setting, and nothing will ever be the same.
I bit my lip, hard enough so that moments later I could taste the salty blood. Why couldn't I have held you longer? Why couldn't I have said that I loved you, that you mean everything to me, that you are all that I care for in this world? So many "why's", but no real answers. No answers…only the most glaringly obvious facts; the elephant in the living room that I try to ignore.
I have to face those facts, such as they are, though the thoughts tear me apart inside. And I cannot let it show. No one can know what I really feel, and no one would understand. They would rip me apart.
The facts are very simple.
Everything changes. You never truly belonged to me. You never will.
And I will always love you.
Goodbye…