Just a little something I wrote in 15 minutes after watching episode 7x02. It's one of those impulsive on-the-moment things, so this is completely unedited and some parts probably make no sense. I just wrote this to get my frustrations out. :) And I'm not very good at writing either. Oh, and a side note: This takes place before Meredith and Derek come in at the end of the episode.
A Moment in Time
She leans against the window of the car, watching the droplets of rain slide down the glass, connecting and disconnecting before landing with an unceremonious splat at the bottom of the window. They had been sitting there for an hour now. At least, to her, it feels like it had been an hour. She sighs softly, listening to the soothing, rhythmic drumming of a quick glance at Derek. His hands are still clutching tightly onto the steering wheel the way they had been when he drove them back earlier, but his face is not tense. Meredith opens her mouth, then closes it, losing her resolve to break the somewhat thought-provoking silence. It floats around them in a disturbingly peaceful fog.
Watching the rain draw interesting little puddles on the concrete outside their house, she thinks of the million ways she had envisioned this scene to go since the trauma counselor had first talked to her. She had imagined a devastated Derek, and so therefore she had meticulously prepared herself to comfort a devastated Derek without making things a hundred times worse for him. Except now, his facial expression blatantly tells her that he is not devastated. Or he is. She doesn't know, and that's what bothers her the most. Her fingers itch to return to their old habit of strangling her wristwatch against her wrist, but she stops herself just in time. She hates this feeling of unknowing; of not knowing what to say to make things better for him. She doesn't exactly understand what he is feeling at this moment. She had had two months to come to the realization that her unborn baby had died, and that somehow there was a part of her that wanted a child so badly - a part of her body that had been foreign to her until that day. He was informed in the middle of a hallway less than three hours ago, without the adrenaline of that nerve-wracking day to fuel his ability to not feel attached to this nameless, formless baby.
"Are you... Are you okay?" Derek says suddenly, removing his hands from the steering wheel at last, turning to face her. His voice is husky, perhaps with the sadness that seems to be lodged in his throat.
Meredith swallows the urge to say something along the lines of 'I'm fine'. She reminds herself that she is his wife now, a full-grown woman who has managed to swim her way through the murkiest water in her life. "No," she replies instead, glancing up to look Derek in the eye. Seeing the uncertainty and concern clouding in his deep blue eyes, she hurriedly shakes her head. "I'm not okay. But I will be. We will be."
He manages a tiny, lopsided grin. "I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me, Meredith."
"That's what we're all saying," she points out quietly, her voice barely distinguishable over the constant drumming of rain over their heads. "That's what I've been telling myself. That I can go back to surgery because it's been two months and I'm okay. But today, Cristina broke down in the middle of surgery. Lexie has these moments where she becomes hysterical, and Alex is running up and down the stairs because he can't bring himself ride an elevator. The rest of us think we're just better at holding it together. But we're actually all just teetering at the edge of the cliff."
"When did you get so wise?"
She smiles. "When I decided to marry you." She leans her head against the seat, reaching for his hand in comfort. "Watching my best friend losing it in the middle of surgery, having to lie on the OR floor with her..." She shakes her head, closing her eyes and takes a deep breath. "We're not okay."
Derek entwines his fingers with hers, rubbing small, soothing circles against her skin. "Was this what you wanted to tell me that day?"
She turns her head towards him questioningly.
"That day," he says, "when you came to my office. You wanted to tell me you were pregnant." The words come out of his mouth matter-of-factly.
Meredith watches as a strangled expression contorts his face. She nods, and his eyes darken. "Derek…"
"God, Meredith... If I'd known," he muttered, raking his left hand through his hair frustratedly. "If I hadn't been so busy with my stupid papers, if I'd taken a second to listen to you..."
"If you'd done that, so what?" She reaches over to him, caressing his face with her hands before pulling him in for an awkward hug. "Even if you had known I was pregnant, it wouldn't have changed a thing."
"I could have..." His breath comes faster, shallower.
"Could have what?" Meredith interrupts, running her hands through his curls. "Gotten shot anyway? Derek, I know you. You'll do the most idiotic thing to save the people around you. It wouldn't matter that I was pregnant. You would have exchanged your life to save your hospital."
He doesn't say anything, instead hugging her to him tighter, drawing strength from her small body. After a while, he murmurs, "I could have made you stay somewhere safe. I could have kept you safe."
Despite the seriousness of the conversation they are having, Meredith snorts in amusement at the absurdity of what he is implicating. "You should know by now that I wouldn't have listened. Do you really think I would've agreed to hide in a supply closet while you had a gun pointed to your chest?"
"Actually, no," Derek admits, laughing softly. The atmosphere around them lightens as they remain locked in their embrace. Sometime during their conversation, the rain had ceased, and now a comfortable silence drifted around the car.
She pulls back, looking into his eyes, finding herself captivated by those deep blue orbs. "That's the thing about being married, I guess," she says. "We promise each other to do stupid things and love one another anyway."
He smiles, the dark expression dissipating from his face. His hands twist around her golden locks as he leans in to kiss her forehead. "I love you."
Those three simple words make her heart beat faster, and she mentally scolds herself for acting like a teenager, before giving him a quick peck on the lips. "I love you," she repeats, grinning. "I love us."
They remain in each others' gazes for a while, their love resonating around the small, confined space they were in. Sirens sound somewhere from the distance, causing both of them to unconsciously send a mental prayer to wherever the police car is heading. Hoping that wherever it is going, the people aren't watching their loved ones die, or screaming in terror and agony.
"I'm sorry about the driving," Derek adds as an afterthought, looking at Meredith sheepishly. "It was reckless...and stupid."
Her face instantly tightens into a stern expression, her mouth a straight, grim line. "You better be sorry," she mutters. "'Cause next time you can stay there for two nights."
He fake pouts. "You wouldn't."
"I will." Her green eyes brighten challengingly. "And I'll make sure the entire hospital knows where you disappeared off to."
Derek pretends to be sad, his face lightening up when he is rewarded with her melodious giggle. "Really though," he assures her, becoming serious again, "there won't be a next time. I promise."
She scrutinizes him doubtfully for a few seconds before leaning her head against his chest. "I believe you. Thank you," she breathes.
"How was Cristina when you left her?" Derek asks, rubbing his hands up and down her back, breathing in her unique scent.
Meredith bites her lip, gazing at the neighbor's old pine tree over his shoulder. The leaves are barely hanging on to its branches, water sliding off the tips. Images of Cristina shaking on the floor of the OR flash through her mind, coupled with images of the team that had saved her husband's life two months ago. "I saw a part of her I've never known before. I've always thought of her as this stoic, twisted sister of mine, but wouldn't you believe it...in the end she was vulnerable and human, just like the rest of us."
Derek presses his nose into her hair, remaining silent, knowing that there is part of her that only Cristina Yang has the power to reign over.
"But you know what?" Meredith takes a deep breath and returns to her own seat, sitting up straight. "She has Owen, I have you, and we still have each other. The rest will just depend on time. I'm not going to let her give up."
He nods in agreement. "She saved my life. I owe her my life, and if it takes that long for us to get your hardcore person back, I'm willing to sacrifice it."
Her eyes soften, understanding what he means by those words, and she can see her own sincerity reflected in his dark, blue eyes. "You know what? I'm starting to really like this marriage thing..."
Derek shakes his head, chuckling. He glances at her again, motioning towards the front door with his arm. "Now, Mrs. Shepherd, are you ready to go home?" His eyes twinkle mischievously.
She looks at him seriously, although her lips curl up into a smile. "Are you ready to come home, Dr. Shepherd?"
He understands what she is asking and nods. "No more jail, no more speeding. I'm ready to come home. That's all I need."
After a moment, they both step out into the light drizzle that has begun yet again. Somewhere down the street, a baby is wailing at the top of its lungs, a family is laughing over the dinner table, and a father is kissing his child goodnight. Meredith revels in the fact that while they were in the car saying things that needed to be said, time had stood still for them, despite the fact that it had still been moving for other people. And now, they are ready to go home and catch up with the rest of the world again. Life doesn't stop moving.