When a dog pisses on your shoe, it's one thing, but when a human - much less a girl - pisses on your shoe, it's different. "SAM!" I shout, but the girl continues, ignoring me until she's done her business. "Carly!" I complain.

"Carly!" She teases. I guess it's pretty reasonable. I have been complaining to Carly a lot recently. We share a glare but keep walking. It's a skill we have developed and probably will never lose since we do it pretty often. Then this happens: I trip over a bike-rack. How does that happen? My peripheral vision is usually awesome! How could I miss that?" Sam stands above me with her usual smirk. "Later, Fredweird," she says and walks off.

"Wait 'til I get my hands on you, Puckett!" I scream after her, but am tangled up in quite the unlikely situation. Carly rolls her eyes and helped me up. "Thanks."

"You two just can't get along." She shook her head causing her brown hair to toss after her. Man, I love her hair. It's so soft and shiny and perfect. Just like Carly. Except, Carly may not be so shiny, you know?

"And we probably never will in our lives," I reply matter-of-fact'ly. I plan to escape this girl when I grow up by going to a college far far away from here, even if Carly stays in Seattle. You see, I have two things worth escaping that completely override the Carly part of Seattle. Sam and my mom. I would say anti-tick lotion, but that kind of falls under the mom category. Those two girls should be locked up. One in prison, the other in the whack shack; need I explain which is which? You've already seen what I go through with Sam, but - believe it or not - my mom is much worse.

"You coming over?" Carly asks when we get to Bushwell.

"Nah, I have to sterilize my shoe." I say, kicking my left foot as if it were poisonous. I guess, in a way, it is.

"You're still wearing that?" She sounds disgusted.

"Well it's not like I was going to carry it! Gross!" I shutter at the thought. That's the Sam piss shoe, and I was going to kick it off as soon as I got home and say "Mom, I stepped in a puddle." She'll be on those things like there was no tomorrow. And that was exactly what happened when I entered the door.

"Oh! They smell like dog urine! What did you get into?"

"I don't know," I lied. "I was just walking down the road with Carly and Sam when-"

"Well, let me just take these, and I have to ask you something. About Sam." My mom picked the shoes up. Bare-handed!

I chuckled under my breath and replied, "What about Sam?"

My mom had put my shoes in the washer and came to sit beside me. "Sit up, Freddie. Remember the rule?"

I sigh and sit up. "So what do you want to ask me?"

"Does Sam have a mother?"

"Yeah, kind of." My ears are wide open with curiosity. "Why?"

"Is her mom usually home."

"From what I've heard, yes. Why?"

"And you and Sam get along, right?"

"... Why?"

"Well..." She looks away nervously. "Freddie, I'm going out of town for a business meeting." She pauses there.

"You have a business?" I ask.

"And I was going to ask Sam's mother if she'd watch you over the course."

"WHAT!" I stand up in pure shock that my mother would even suggest such a thing. This is crazy even for her! "Why can't I just stay with Spencer and Carly?"

She stands up now just to remain taller than me, but it's a fail. "Fredward Benson! Do you not remember the last time I let Spencer take care of you?"

My plan deflates as I remember him locking Carly, Sam, and me in the furnace and leaving us there for about twelve hours. "It was an accident!" I complain, knowing all hope is lost. It was an accident. We weren't supposed to follow him down there, Carly had told us. He had gone to Groovy Smoothies, worked on his sculpture, then took a nap. He probably just thought we were acting like teenagers and leaving the "adult" out of it.

"My mind is made up. You're staying with Ms Puckett." My mom declares crossly.

I sigh, walk into my room, and begin banging my head on the wall. My life was about to come to an end.