Ashes.

I just want my heart to fall apart. I probably should have told you from the start, my angel.

He thinks about that day all the time. They day she barged into his life and turned his world upside down in a matter of seconds. He knew now, almost three years later, that she'd never leave his head. He didn't want her to leave his life just as fast as she came. She was it for him. He knew he'd never find anyone like her. He wishes he didn't love her some days when the pain of seeing her with 'homicide Luke' got too hard to handle. He sometimes wished, like he had on their first day together, that'd she'd just disappear completely. But he also knew that if that ever happened there would be nothing left of him.

Beautiful, I should've told you from the first time I saw your eyes.

He'd do anything to see her eyes light up like they did when she thought she was bringing two drug dealers to the barn on her first day on the job. Or when they would make a great arrest or save someone. That made her eyes light up the brightest - saving someone was what she loved. Her big doe eyes were the most beautiful pair he's ever seen. He'd love to have those sparkling eyes be the last thing he sees before he falls asleep and the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

God, he shouldn't have kept these feelings inside him for so long. But he always came up with one excuse after the other. First, it was because she was his rookie. Then she was with Luke. After they broke up he wasn't sure if she was ready to move on so quickly. He cared about her and he didn't want to push her into something she wasn't ready for. If you asked, he'd say he was sick of it. He didn't know what was holding him back now. She was completely free. It'd been a few months since she broke it off with her ex fiancé but every time he tried to tell her his throat closed up ad he couldn't get any words out.

Beautiful, I should've told you from the first time I saw you smile.

She didn't always smile. Sometimes she'd go a whole day with that puppy dog pout on her face. But it made every time she did smile so much more special and heartwarming.

They were the last to come in from their shift that night. He waited for her outside the locker rooms. She was taking ages to come out and he was debating whether or not he should just leave and head to the Penny by himself. Just as he was about to get up and see if she had fallen into the toilet or something she walked out in all her beautiful glory.

"Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be chocking down shots at the Penny already,"

She laughed a little and her eyes lit up and her pearly whites peaked out from under her rosy lips. He momentarily forgot that she had asked him a question and his eyes trailed down from her eyes to her lips. His breath caught in his throat when his eyes took in the rest of her body. He was brought back to reality when she coughed to get his attention. Busted.

"Sorry. I was just waiting to see if you need a ride to the Penny. But judging by the way your dressed I'm guessing you got a hot date or something," he trailed off and the corners of his lips turned up in a smirk.

"Oh yeah," she joked. "I always have hot dates on a Tuesday night,"

"So, do you need that ride?"

"Uhh - no I'm good. I think I'm just going to walk home, clear my head a little. You know,"

She half smiled at him and he shook his head.

"C'mon McNally. You're telling me you got all dressed up just to go home and go to bed?"

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and licked her lips impatiently. "I'm just going to walk. Okay?"

Maybe she actually had a hot date, he thought and mentally slapped himself for being so stupid and love struck. He scratched the back of his neck, feeling awkward for even thinking he had the slightest bit of a chance with her.

"Well, see you tomorrow McNally. Don't have too much fun tonight. I - we need you copper," he tried to joke but it tasted bitter on his tongue. Friends, that's all they were. He repeated that to himself no matter how much it hurt.

"See you tomorrow,"

He turned on his heels and headed out the doors and to the Penny where he'd have one too many drinks that night. Not one could numb the pain.

I just want your love to fade away to ashes.

He knew, deep down, that she knew about his feelings for her. How could she not? She's a cop and cops are able to read people like an open book. He was good at hiding his emotions, suppressing sadness but with her it's like he was back to being a rookie again. Stupid and careless. She made him feel young and lively. She gave him butterflies and crazy feelings that a grown man shouldn't feel. It wasn't right, the things he was feeling were crazy and had him feeling like a 15 year old boy again. But he didn't care because no matter how wrong it seemed it always felt right in his heart. She could take ten years to figure out that he could be the one to never leave her, to love her everyday and every night, to stand by her through everything. After all they are partners and partners have each other's backs.

I just want my heart to fall apart.

"Yeah, just let me pack a few things and I'll meet you in fifteen. No problem,"

He hung up the phone and slid down the wall he was leaning against. He rubbed his hands down his face and tried really hard to not let tears fall from his tired eyes. This didn't sit right with him but it was the only thing he could do to save his heart from permanent damage. Going undercover for a few months and leaving her behind might make her smarten up and realize what he's been trying to say for years now. Maybe he'd come back and she wouldn't even be at 15 division anymore. Maybe she would hate him for leaving without telling her or for not having her back. He would just have to take the risk. And if taking that risk made her realize that she has feelings for him too then he'd be the happiest man alive. As for now only time will tell but time and space may only make things worse.

I probably should've told you all along, my angel.