The road so far

Dean: Dad told me I had to save you and if I couldn't save you I'd have to kill you.

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Anna: Thank you, Pamela. That helps a lot. I remember now, who I am.

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Now

Sam watched the light pour from its cage; he could feel it- the light was made of several millennia of thoughts and memories and emotions and power. And as it washed over him it triggered something tucked away deep inside him, just as Pamela had triggered something deep inside Anna Milton. Now Sam remembered, now Sam understood. He was a fallen Angel, he was Lucifer.

The expected inner turmoil at this revelation was surprisingly absent; this was just the most recent chapter in billions of years of existence. Just as the Angel who hacked her Grace out over Ohio was still Anna Milton. Lucifer was still Sam Winchester. And now he knew exactly what needed to be done.

First he had to ensure that no-one figured out who he was. Hiding the truth from the angels and demons was daunting enough but the thought of hiding it from Dean made bile curdle in his throat. He tried to convince himself it was for the best, with limited success. Nick provided him with an appropriate decoy and a mouthpiece for his orders. He reached out a tendril of his power towards Nick- a mere fragment of the power held within. And thus it began.

But everyone was still too suspicious, and Dean no longer trusted him. It hurt to lie and it hurt to leave, but he had a job to do. Sam huffed as he wiped down tables, the Angels were watching his dreams, trying to trick him into leading them to Dean; might as well put on a show. He personally thought letting them believe that he was Lucifers vessel was hilarious, it served his purposes well.

I go on with my work. Soon I find that Zachariah is honing in on Dean and I am torn, Dean isn't safe without me, but I cannot stay with him. I've waited this long, there is still time. I fold and unfold my plan in mind, moving the goal-posts and the plan does come out better. I call Dean and of course he rejects me, it is of no consequence he will change his mind soon.

I am about two seconds away from pulling Dean out of Zachariah's clutches when Castiel does so for me. He is turning out to be quite a useful little angel, I initially brought him back to life for Dean but now I see how he can be of good service to me.

I am wary after leaving the demon-boy's house; surely they will notice me now? Fortunately angels and demons, very much like people, often see what they choose to see. No one asks how Lucifer has neglected to find the Winchesters, even as his minions paved the way to them.

I wish to speak to the would-be trickster, my brother, Gabriel. But I hide regardless, I think he can be trusted but I have to be sure. And I can't risk Dean hearing, not just because he would deservedly hate me, but because the angels and demons could pluck the knowledge right out of his head, and no one can know what I know.

I return to Gabriel who remains in the decrepit building long after the flames have died.

"Do you not see me brother?" I ask. Gabriel gazes upon me like a surprised child, unsure of whether to be happy or anxious.

"You always did find the best places to hide." He eventually answers me.

"There is much I have to tell you." I say. Falling back on old speech unfamiliar to Sam's mouth.

"Yeah, well I'm not playing the game anymore, go find another brother to mind-fuck with."

"None of them can be trusted. No one in heaven can be trusted anymore, this is why I'm speaking to you." I tell my broken little brother; who-ever said Angels didn't feel emotions had a cosmic amount of ignorance shoved up their ass.

"And you can be trusted? Are you kidding me?"

"I will tell you my story, you will not believe it, but remember it well- little brother- for you will have need of it someday." I said and Gabriel sat down and listened.

"After I fell, for a long time I was filled with fury, hatred and venom. I raged within the darkened walls of my prison, empty with despair and lustful for revenge. I ranted and railed at the silence and cursed the flawed animals, listing all their faults and depravities. For thousands of years I did this, watching these beings, despising them.

I saw some redeeming qualities that were easy for my anger-driven mind to ignore. Then I saw a few more. And a few more after that. The beings continued in their disgusting ways but I saw pearls shining in the dirt, and wondered why no one came to help these pearls- shining brightly as they did. Why none of our brethren came to help these. I realised they too were just as alone as us angels.

I didn't understand, didn't know what to think, these beings on God's pedestal were left to flounder helplessly, isolated. I was tired, despondent and bored with these creatures now, anger long since faded in the face of what I had seen. I watched them still, with little else to occupy my time, I watched without thought or judgement and just saw. Then I saw that even the disgusting beings held beauty in their hearts. There was no light-bulb moment; it had been a slow erosion of a cliff waiting to be chiselled away over the centuries.

Then I saw some of our brethren, I watched them come to earth and I watched them fall. And I was curious. Why our mighty brothers would choose to live the lives of these pitiful creatures, with a few redeeming features that barely tipped the scales, over being a warrior of the lord they clearly still loved. So I watched more closely, the humans our brethren had seen, the humans our brethren had known, the humans our brethren had loved.

I was astounded be the number of them who had fallen. It is Heaven's best kept secret. It is why only the lower ranking Angels are allowed down to earth anymore, it is not because it's grunt-work- in fact it's very far from it.

I saw our little brothers and sisters re-born, learning to talk and walk and laugh and sing. I didn't think of them as humans, they were changeling Angels, different but angels still. I rejoiced in their joy and felt fear at their fears, they were so frail now. I watched them play and love and be loved, and when remnants of their former lives haunted them- I saw those loved ones fret and worry and support them, and reached out hands to them that I could not.

Don't mistake me brother there were those who were cruel to our brethren also, dreadfully cruel. But there will always be betrayers, as I'm sure you know too well. And this is not about those; this is about the humans who cared. The emotions were twisted and ashen and fused deeply in their guts, but said emotions remained pure, untainted by happenstance.

And finally I began to understand. My curiosity was insatiable now, I watched every moment of every day and night, it swiftly became an obsession. How many different places to see, different people, different ideas, different worlds, all amazing from the darkest hues to the radiating light. The more I saw the more my thirst increased, the more I loved these damned creatures.

One day I felt fury within me once more, and I was terrified, it had been decades since the horrible fury had graced my soul. And once again it was anger at our father. Over the same sense of loyalty I felt last time: How could he do this to us? How could he do this to them? But now I tried to push the fury back down, I hadn't understood the answer to my question when I fought for the Angels, but now I did. Maybe even though I didn't understand the question I had now, I would in the future, he knew what he was doing.

I had been rash before, this time I chose a different route. I waited, I was patient. I called to our father, pleading for an audience. Eventually he granted me one. I asked about the humans, asked them to be granted mercy and assistance they so needed. He smiled at me and told me I had learned my lessons well, that soon- in mere decades perhaps- I could rejoin the Angels in Heaven. I told him I didn't care; I just wanted him to help the humans.

He said the humans would be ok, that I shouldn't under-estimate them. He told me that the creatures he had created were his responsibility and he took that responsibility seriously, and he told me that was one of the only lessons I had left to learn; I to had to take responsibility for the creatures I had created.

"You thought the creatures I created were wretched, look at yours, when you learn your final lessons you will be released."

I felt fear at the thought of watching the creatures I had created, most of them were still tucked behind Hell's gate's and even those humans who called themselves hunters came across a handful of my creatures in their life-times. So it had been easy to glance away on the rare occasion that I stumbled on one of them.

"Do not worry my child; you are ready for this burden." He said before he left.

Then I watched Gabriel, I watched everyday these creatures I had created who had no choice but to devour and kill and torture as they left our fathers world all the more bloody in their wake. I cried and I cried for a long time. And then I knew what had to be done. They were my responsibility and I had to kill them all, every last one in Hell and on earth.

I was eager to begin the fight and called to father once more. He told me I had learned well, but there was still learning left to do, that patience was required. But also that I had earned this, he reached out to me and I felt the warmth of His presence for the first time in millennia. And I'm not ashamed to tell you, little brother, I was a gibbering mess- I sank to my knees blubbering thank-you's and apologies and sobbing with relief as the agonising void that had sat with me for eons was mercifully filled.

Do you not miss his presence brother, is it not terrible? I know you must.

"Do not call to me again, you will be released when the time comes." He told me.

As he left I was terrified that I would lose the warmth of his presence when he returned to his throne. Ridiculous I know, that I should be so affected after going so long without. But blessedly the presence remained. And that is how I know the secret, which is why we can trust none of them brother. I have watched and you have not been near heaven so I know you can be trusted, but until we know for sure who can and who cannot be we can't risk it.

"What the crap are you going on about Lucifer?" Gabriel finally interrupted.

"The Angels have captured God."

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Gabriel just gaped, allowing his thoughts to flow freely for his brother to hear.

"I'm not buckets of crazy, just let me finish."

I watched and waited and learned more every day, years went by and now that I was taking more interest in my creatures, they took more interest in me. Every now and then a demon rapped at my cage door, requesting to hear their creator's voice. I turned away in disgust, ignoring their ideas to set me free. I am still loyal you see Gabriel, I could have left at any time after that, with the demons at my feet, but I stayed waiting for father's word.

"Well even you wouldn't be stupid enough to force him to smite you again if you were so close to getting back to heaven." Gabriel scoffed.

Just listen brother. Then something happened, in an instant His presence was gone, of course at first I thought he had removed His presence from my prison as punishment, and by then I wasn't too proud to beg, watching the world for so long has humbled me. I pleaded with father to return to me, and there was nothing. Even in the early days of my imprisonment when I would yell and scream at him, he ignored me but I could still feel him listening. This time I felt nothing and I knew something was wrong.

I searched for our brethren on earth to see if they had any news. I was shocked, they too were talking about His presence, it had changed- it was different somehow, but the higher ups brought them Gods word and told them everything was fine. And they believed God's word like they always did. But I didn't because it clearly wasn't God's word.

I heard the Angels telling the lies, and by day's end I had pieced it together. The presence our brethren were feeling was dulled because it was the combined presence of those traitorous angels and not God's at all. And of course I felt nothing because no one would think to reach out to the adversaries cell, that is a mistake they will pay for dearly. I knew they had to be stopped and God had to be found- not to sound cliché about it.

Like a terrible, terrible sign, the very next day a demon named Azazel came knocking at my door. I turned to this wretched creature of mine and played the part.