"Caught In The Middle"
A one-shot. What if Charlie's 'guilty secret' isn't that she has commitment phobia? What if she's pushing Angelo away for another reason? What if she's caught in the middle?
Inspired by the lack of courage of the current H&A writers and also this little song I came across when I was going through my storage of old CDs. Changed the lyrics of one line to suit this story better.
This is simply just a one-shot I decided to write today to get my mind out of 'The Truth Hurts' & 'Happily Never After' for a tiny while. I don't have any plans to continue it as I'm not sure I could manage 3 fics going at once but I'll see what you think of it and maybe I'll re-consider if I get some amazing reveiws :P
"You said that love was just a state of mind
A puzzle made of pieces you can't find
And for you I never really gave us the time
I was blind
And everything that you meant to me
Is written in the pages of our history
But it's over now as far as I can see
Suddenly
Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it'd be easy I was wrong
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Moving on he brings me brighter days
Thoughts of you are in my mind always
Like a memory that I can't erase
It's here to stay
Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it'd be easy I was wrong
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
So different
(It's so different)
So easy
(Oh so easy)
But I can't get over you
(I can't get over you)
So different
(It's so different)
So easy
(So easy)
But I can't get over you
(And I can't get over you)
Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it'd be easy I was wrong
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it'd be easy I was wrong
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
And now I'm caught
And now, I'm caught in the middle"
Unit 5 / 67 Prescott St
SYDNEY NSW 2000
2nd March 2010
Dearest Joey
I barely know where to begin. It feels like it's been forever since I've seen your beautiful smile or heard your playful laughter. But then a part of me remembers it like it was yesterday. I wish it was only yesterday. But more than that I wish I could take back all the hurt and heartache I caused you.
I understand why you never came back and why you haven't tried to contact me. I've been trying to deal with the same heartache since you left. It hasn't worked. You're the only one who could possibly understand how bad my heart is broken 'cause yours is broken too. Or it was...? I don't think I'm ready to know the answer to that.
God Jo, life has been such an absolute mess since you left and most of which I can't express in this letter. But I'm writing to you anyway, in the hopes that it'll help me a chance to express what I'm honestly feeling right now. I haven't been honest with very many people in my life. You know that first hand. In the best ways, as well as the worst.
It might be hard to believe after everything I put you through, but I opened up to you more than anyone in my life except when it really counted. I'll never forgive myself for that. But I need someone now to talk to. Someone that I can trust with everything that I'm going through. You're the only person that comes to mind. So here goes...
My life is an utter mess. Most people wouldn't think that by looking at me, but you'd know in a heartbeat, you're not most people. Everyone thinks I'm happy and life's going well for me. The truth is that I'm drowning in this emptiness.
Several months ago some stuff came up with Ruby, and she found out that I'd lied to her for her whole life. It's not possible for me to explain in a simple letter what I lied to her about but it was awful and it's all my fault. Ruby left me, she moved in with Irene, and it's only over the last few weeks that she's started talking to me. But it's not the same, our relationship has completely broken down and there's no one here to put us back together. You'd do that, you'd put us back together like we belong.
Then there's my Dad...he's in a facility under pretty strict conditions of care. Not for his illness. To be honest his illness is the only reason why he's not in jail. All these problems that occurred with Ruby they led to the fact that I admitted when I was I teenager my boyfriend raped me. I know this comes as a shock and I wanted to tell you a million times when I first met you and you explained your experience with Robbo. But you needed to be strong and realize that making your report against him was the right thing for you, not feel guilty because I never got justice for my rapist.
I never had a chance. Instead my Dad let him go because there wasn't enough proof. Then my rapist, Grant, returned to make things difficult for me. I wanted to be strong but I couldn't cope. Things took a huge turn for the worst when Grant was found dead down at the beach. There were weeks after that that I was investigated for the murder. The detective believed it was I that had killed him. It wasn't, although sometimes I'm beyond glad that he is out of my life for good. My Dad killed him, and having to deal with the shock of that...I still haven't managed to. I don't know if I ever can.
Then on top of that I've been kidnapped by Hugo (yes you were right about him and I cannot believe I let such a mongrel ruin everything we had) and he nearly killed me. I had to take some stress leave from work to cope with it. But everything I've just told you, that's not even the worst part. This is gonna hurt Jo and I wish I could be there to wipe away your tears.
I got back together with Angelo.
Angelo returned to town right after you left after getting out of prison from a dodgy deal that saw him work on a case that if he solved, he wouldn't need to go back to jail. It was an undercover mission and I only just found out how dodgy it is. He killed Jack and should be in prison suffering for his crime not released for a case. What is the world coming to? Offering a cop-killer a second chance?
God that's just what I've fallen into. I've been with him for six months now and I've been lonely the entire time. He doesn't even notice. I fell back into his arms in a desperate attempt to get over the pain our break up caused and I've just stuck with him since. I feel if I leave him I'll never find anyone else that could be with me, I've lost every chance to be with you, second best is all I've got now.
I know you're probably thinking that I'm crazy going back to him but besides the corruption he used to get out of jail, he'd do anything to take back killing Jack and that guilt will never leave him. He's a good guy that was put in a bad situation. How can I tell him he doesn't deserve to be released or give him some small forgiveness?
Things between Angelo and I have been so strained this last month. Again it's something he doesn't notice. Angelo solved the big case he was released for and got offered a promotion as well as official release from prison. He got offered my promotion.
I am so angry at him and he's making me feel like I don't have a right to be. That was my promotion Jo and I've worked so hard for it. Now unless he moves to another police station, there's no way to improve my career here in the Bay. I can't stay here for the rest of my life if this is all I'll ever do. I've gone from the woman in charge of everything to the stupid girl sleeping with her boss. I shouldn't even legally be with him now he's my boss but I can't leave him. I can't spend my life alone. I'd rather be with him and be lonely than be alone all by myself. I guess my perception has been twisted by all the pain I've been through.
But Angelo still thinks we're the perfect couple. He has no idea. Just over two weeks ago he asked me to move in with him. God when he suggested it I couldn't breathe. I can't imagine my future with him at all let alone move in with him. He kept insisting that it was the right move for us and just ignored every little hint I gave him that I'm not ready for that. I like having my own space. This was your home Jo and I can't bear it when he forces me to let him stay over. Whenever I'm out of excuses for wanting to spend time with him I'd rather go to his so he doesn't invade our room.
I still call it that you know. 'Cause it is and always will be. It will never be Angelo's home. I think that's the one thing he has picked up on. So instead he waved a bunch of real estate papers in front of me and demanded I look at moving out so we can rent a place of our own. He's so selfish and only looking at one-bedroom places. He doesn't even see that one day when I do manage to fix my relationship with Ruby, I want her to have a home she can come back to. He doesn't even notice her. And I'm just too much of a coward to tell him that.
So I've come up with every excuse not to move in with him. I thought it'd finally worked and he'd realized that I'm not ready for this step. Then he decided we should buy a house together. When he told me that it wasn't just that I couldn't breathe, I had a panic attack. Do you think he barely noticed?
Well he finally did notice because once again I had to come up with so many more reasons as to why I'm not ready for that stage. He got really angry at me and began accusing me of being a commitment phobe who is just trying to destroy our relationship on purpose. He's half right. I do want to end our relationship but I'm too weak. So instead I stay with him, unhappily. He can't even see what's right in front of him.
You are the only person I ever wanted to have a committed relationship with. The only person I could see myself marrying one day, raising kids and spending our entire lives entangled together. I still see that future with you every day. If it wasn't for those unforgivable mistakes I made, we could've had that future. Instead I'm probably destined to live a half-life with him if he doesn't work out that I won't even consider any big commitment to him. Just the thought of him popping the question and wanting to marry me sends me into another panic attack.
I don't expect anything from you Jo. I don't expect this letter will make you feel any different about me and that you will just drop everything and come and save me. As badly as I want you to, I don't have the right to ask you to do that do I? You'll never get over the pain I caused you enough to trust me again. I just wanted you to know what I've been going through since you left the Bay, and maybe one day you'll be strong enough to come back here and pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.
After Hugo nearly killed me, I went away with Angelo on holidays. Him and his controlling ways insisted we didn't take our phones or computers so we could get away from everything. Instead I did bring them and when I could get any time away from him, I spent all my nights doing what I should've done months ago and I finally tracked you down. It wasn't easy.
So now I have your new mobile number and address and I have no idea what to do with them. I can't just turn up at your place unannounced and I can't call you out of the blue. So instead I'm writing you this letter to help clear my head of all the problems clouding it.
But you're not gonna be able to come back and help get rid of the clouds for me because as I'm writing this letter I already know I'm too weak to actually send it to you. I couldn't survive if you never replied. Just having that small hope that we'll be together one day gets me through each day. I can't lose that.
So instead I'm taking the easy way out, writing you a letter you'll probably never have a chance to read. It will probably stay hidden away for a long time. Bought out every time I want to read through it and wish I had to strength to send it.
But if I ever do manage to gain that courage I want you to know how sorry I am for destroying the best thing that will ever happen to me. And that I love you, I always will. No matter where I end up in life I'll be thinking of only you. Right now I'm with someone new, and all I think of is you. The memories of you I can't erase, they're here to stay. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation that I can't get out of. I'm caught Jo, caught in the middle. Help me?
Always & forever
Charlie
***
Angelo folded the letter gently, careful not to crease it incorrectly. Unable to talk, think or let any of his frustration out he sighed gently. He held the letter out in front of him, staring at for several minutes before he glanced sideways at his girlfriend who was sleeping peacefully next to him. Charlie. The same beautiful woman he loved had written this letter. A letter he was never meant to find.
But as he endured a sleepless night, the need to lie down and do something had overcome him, so he'd gone through Charlie's bedside table drawer to find a book to read. This letter to Charlie's former lover was the last thing he expected to find. He should've put it back. He wanted to erase the memory of reading it...all of Charlie's deepest thoughts in black and white. Something he couldn't keep ignoring...or could he?
Angelo couldn't bare it when he glanced at the letter that was folded neatly in Charlie's drawer and noticed the name of the person the letter was addressed to. Joey. He so desperately wanted to stop reading but then the voice in his head told him that Charlie would say wonderful things about him, about how happy they were together and that this letter was nothing more than closure. The voice in his head couldn't have been more wrong. It broke his heart to find out the truth behind his girlfriend's thoughts and actions. Everything she truly thought about him, and she'd described it as being stuck 'in an impossible situation.'
As Angelo continued to stare at his sleeping girlfriend he now realized that by reading the letter...he was now the one in the impossible situation.
I can place this letter back where I found it and forget I ever read it. I can try harder to be Charlie's whole world, do anything to make her love me. Or...I could do the right thing...and post this letter to Joey...and pray she doesn't return to town to reclaim her true love...but let Charlie go if she does.
I guess we're all caught in the middle.