Anniversary
Author's Note: I've had an itch to rewrite this for awhile now, and it's probably not the best time to do this since I have three other open ended fics out there but I wanted to do this. After re-reading the original version of this I realized I just wasn't happy with it and I wanted to do more with it.
There are moments in all of our lives that change who we are forever. They are moments that test our strength, our courage and our faith. When I was younger I always thought that defining moment in my life had been the day my mom had been killed. After that day I became this cynical, cold and hardened young girl that defined my teenage years. When I met Lucas I thought all that had changed, I thought everything would be better, that I would never have to feel pain again as long as he was by my side. I never imagined what would happen if one day he was no longer there, if one day life would deal me another defining moment.
Lucas and I had been together since the beginning of our senior year in high school. To say that he changed me into a better person would be an understatement. He came along and saved me from myself and he showed me how much I had missed by pushing people from my life. He was the only person who stuck around after I had brushed him off and that was why I let him in. I don't ever remember smiling as much as I did when I was around him, I loved every moment I spent with him.
We went to college together and remained virtually inseparable. By our final year of college we were living together in a small apartment near campus. We had to scrape by to afford rent, the pipes leaked during the winter and at times it felt like we were living in a shoebox but we on our own together and that was all that seemed to matter back then.
Marriage was a subject that Lucas enjoyed bringing up constantly. We had talked about a few times before and he knew that I wanted to wait until I had graduated before we got married. But that didn't stop him from surprising me one night with a small diamond engagement ring. It had been one of the happiest days of my young life. After that there were nights when we would be lying in bed, Lucas asleep next to me, and I would hold my ring at just the right angle and catch the moonlight reflecting off it. Those were simpler times then, before my life was turned upside down.
About a month after Lucas and I had gotten engaged, I got a phone call in the middle of the night. The bedside clock said it was past ten o'clock; I had gone to bed earlier than usual because of an art history midterm I was supposed to take the next morning. The man's voice on the other end of the phone was unfamiliar and almost cold. The man, who identified himself as Officer Shepard, asked me if I was Lucas Scott's wife. Only then did things start to click and I turned to find his spot next to me in bed empty. The last thing I remembered before falling asleep that night was that Lucas had needed a few things from the store and he kissed me goodbye before walking out the front door.
The officer's voice brought me back to reality as he told me that Lucas had been in a car accident and I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. The words hit me like punch to the stomach, and I was in a haze after that. Once the officer had told me which hospital Lucas was at I hung up the phone and flew out of the door as quickly as my legs would move. I was too scared to cry then. All I remember about the ride to the hospital was that I must have made a hundred deals with God that night to let Lucas come out okay.
I waited impatiently at the hospital for any word on him, the waiting had begun to drive me crazy. I was relieved when I saw Karen walk into the waiting room. She looked as panicked as I imagined I looked at that very moment, her eyes were red and her cheeks tear-stained making it obvious that she had been crying. She rushed towards me and hugged me tight. The doctor who treated Lucas came out to meet us soon afterwards, when I saw him come towards us with a somber look on his face I felt my heart begin to beat faster than I had ever remembered.
The older man crouched down on front of us and took a deep breath before beginning. As he talked us through the injuries that Lucas had sustained I can remember convincing myself that they weren't all that bad, that when the doctor was finished he would tell us that we could go see him and that he'd be fine. But there was no such news.
A drunk driver had broadsided his truck after the man ran a stop sign. Lucas' heart had stopped in the ambulance; he died before reaching the hospital. Karen had her arms around me as the doctor told us Lucas was gone. I felt her begin to tremble softly as she started to cry, and for the first time that night I let my own tears fall freely.
Time stood still after that moment. I don't know how long we sat together, the realization that the man we both loved was forever gone from our lives had begun to slowly seep in. The doctor, whose name I can't recall, asked me gently if I wanted time with Lucas before they took him down to the morgue, Karen volunteered to go in after me. I remember fighting back tears when he said the word morgue, I didn't want to imagine him there lying on some cold metal table alone.
The doctor had one of the nurses lead me back to the trauma room where he was. I felt a lump gather in my throat as I saw the white sheet covering the stretcher. The nurse excused herself and left me alone.
The thing I remember most vividly is that his face looked perfect except for a small cut above his left eyebrow. The crisp white sheet was drawn up under his neck leaving only his head exposed. His skin was an indescribable shade of white and cold to the touch. I reached under the sheet, grabbed his hand and held it to my cheek. I had never imagined it would be so hard to leave him, I must have whispered goodbye to him a hundred times. It took me a long time to work up the courage to walk away him forever. As I leaned down to kiss him, a stray tear fell from my cheek onto his. I kissed it away and then kissed him for the last time and whispered that I would always love him. As I stepped out of the trauma room I felt my body begin to shake with uncontrollable sobs and I felt my knees begin to buckle as I slid down the wall and onto the ground. I didn't want to be without him, we were supposed to have our whole lives together and that had been taken from us.
I can't really remember much of what went on in the weeks that followed Lucas' funeral. It was difficult transition having to sleep alone in the bed I had once shared with him, the memories of the mornings we had spent under the covers would come flooding back as soon as I climbed into the sheets. It was easier to sleep on the couch than to be in that bed by myself, so that's where I spent my nights. During that time it seemed like all I could bring myself to do was sleep, it was the best way to forget about the dull ache in my heart. It was the lowest part of my life, and for a long time I didn't think it was ever going to get better.
Before Lucas died we were both a semester away from graduating, but school became the furthest thing from my mind after everything that had happened. So I took an extended leave from my classes and used some money I had been saving to continue to pay rent on our, my, apartment.
Even though it hurt at times to see them, I kept myself surrounded by memories of him. His clothes remained in the closet, I kept his toothbrush in the cup next to mine and his shampoo in the shower. The books he kept on the nightstand all tattered from being read dozens of times remained in their place. I had myself convinced that I was holding onto these things in order to keep him close, but in reality I was just terrified of losing him.
The man who had killed Lucas was a down on his luck older man named Harold Young, he was recently divorced and out of work was the explanation he had given for his heavy drinking. According to the police his blood alcohol level had been more than three times the legal limit when he hit Lucas' truck. I was with Karen when he was convicted of a laundry list of felonies, manslaughter being one of them. He was convicted to seven years in prison. Karen had received a large payment from Young's insurance company, apparently $200,000 was supposed to ease the pain of losing her only child. Karen made me take half of the money, she had said that we both lost Lucas and he would want me to be taken care of. I dumped the money into a saving's account and forgot about it.
As the weeks passed things didn't get any easier, I felt like I couldn't pull myself together. My life had slowly begun to unravel. Karen would visit a few times a week, she'd bring dinner from the café and wouldn't leave until I had eaten enough. I would tell her that I should have been the one taking care of her since it was her son, but I think Karen found a way to heal in taking care of someone else. Looking back I know I couldn't have gotten through it without her, she was my rock.
Life has a funny way of picking you up when you need it. Six weeks after I thought I had lost my reason for being, I got the surprise of my life. I was pregnant. I hadn't been feeling well for awhile and on a whim I picked up a pregnancy test on a trip to the drugstore. The test was just supposed to be a reassurance, I never thought that I could actually be pregnant. But then the strip turned pink. I couldn't pick myself up off the bathroom floor I just laid there for hours, crying until there were no more tears. I had no idea what to do. I had school to finish and no job to support a baby on. I was alone and pregnant. For the first time since he had died, I was angry with Lucas. If he hadn't left that night, if he would have stayed with me I wouldn't have had to go through it alone.
Karen had been the first person I told, she was the only person who knew for a while. I didn't know what to do at first, so she helped me set up a doctor's appointment. She volunteered to go with me and it was her hand I was holding when I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I felt my eyes well up as I listened to the gentle rhythm. I had been further along than I expected, nearly three months.
I was a bit of an emotional wreck after that first appointment. It was such a horrible, confusing mix of emotions. I was ready to do it, to have the baby after hearing that heartbeat. But with the elation came overwhelming sadness, because I knew that our baby was going to grow up without a father. So I let myself have one more cry and then I decided then that I was done with the tears, I was going to get my life together for myself and for my baby. Going back to school was the most important step.
So I went back to school to finish out my final semester and graduated three months later with my degree. I was the only graduate that year with a pregnant bump under their gown. I was nearing six months at the time.
Karen and I had been talking about the possibility of me moving back to Tree Hill after I finished school, that way she could be close in case I needed anything. I had a job offer from the elementary school in Tree Hill to teach art class. I ended up using some of the money from the insurance company to put a down payment on a small house a few blocks away from Karen. Nathan and Haley came by to help with the move, they had been around after Lucas died but they both had their own school to focus on. But Haley had called me nearly everyday and her and Nathan were both moving back to town having graduated. Haley had helped me box up most of my things but I asked for some time alone while I packed Lucas' stuff. His clothes fit neatly into a large box, and except for a few t-shirts and a sweatshirt, I gave the box away to a local charity. I kept his books and personal things, the things I couldn't give away.
Two months later I gave birth to Benjamin Lucas Scott. He was a beautiful, healthy baby. After I brought him home from the hospital, there were nights when I would tiptoe quietly into his room and watch him sleep. Even as a baby, it was obvious that Ben looked just like his father. There were nights that I would lie awake in bed thinking about how hard it was going to be for him when he got older, not having his dad with him. But if he was anything like his father, I knew deep down that he would come out okay.
Three years have passed, and Ben is growing up so fast. He has the sweetest personality, always giggling and smiling. The best feeling in the world is when he wraps his little arms around my neck and gives me a hug. His words have become clearer and he always has a story to tell. He just learned how to spell his name and recite the alphabet, both of which meant a trip to the toy store as a reward. Ben spends his days at the café with Karen while I'm at work, he'll start pre-school in the coming year. Every other day or so we'll stay to have dinner with her, with Ben chatting excitedly about what he did that day. We have become a little family, and Karen has helped me raise been which is something I will always be grateful for.
There are pictures of Lucas throughout the house and I keep a small picture of him on Ben's nightstand. Ben knows the man in the picture is his dad but he hasn't really grasped the concept of why his dad can't be with him. I know he'll ask questions when he gets older and I hope I'll have the right things to say.
It's important to me that Ben knows what kind of man his father was, there are stories I want to tell him and pictures to share. But I know that stories won't be enough for the time being, he need's a male influence in his life and Nathan has taken on that role. Ben spends Sunday afternoons with his uncle playing on the playground or going to get ice cream. The two of them have formed a close bond.
I haven't dated since losing Lucas. The thought has never even crossed my mind. The love I have for Lucas isn't something that will just go away. This was the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and that's something that I'm not ready to let go of yet. I don't think I want to love anyone else the way I loved Lucas. I'm perfectly content with Ben being the only man in my life.
After Lucas died there was a brief moment where I didn't think I wanted to go on living without him, and now I look at my life three years later and I'm doing so much better than I could have ever imagined. I have my own home, a stable job and a beautiful little boy. And when I look at Ben I'm reminded of Lucas and am so thankful that he gave me this gift before he left.
Not a day goes by when I don't think about Lucas, even after all this time. Some days are harder than others and on those days I usually come down to the cemetery and spend time alone, sitting near his headstone and taking solace in the gentle quiet. Today was one of those hard days and I find myself with my knees tucked close to my chest sitting in the freshly cut grass. There are times when I talk to him like he's right next to me but right now I don't have any words.
The sun us starting to set now and I know Ben is probably growing restless at Karen's. I tuck a new picture of Ben near his headstone and hold my hand on top of the cool marble before I walk away. I'll bring Ben along when he gets older, I know how hard it was for me to visit my mom's grave as a kid.
I'm scared that someday this whole process will get easier for me and I don't want it to. I feel like if it gets easier that it somehow means I love Lucas less. Losing the person you love most isn't something that I want to just get over. When Lucas died I lost a part of myself with him. Having Ben made me feel complete again, but I know that I will always love Lucas.
Fin