SCENE 1: GRACE ADLER DESIGNS
[Grace is at her desk, working, and Karen comes in, Sunglasses and all]
KAREN:
Hi Honey,
GRACE:
Karen, you're late, again. Not that it matters if you're here or not.
KAREN:
[Sees Grace's dress. A Polk dotted skirt with a blue sweater. She begins pointing at it, covering her eyes]
Erm.... Honey? What's this? What's going on? What's this all about? I thought you're Grease phase was over.
And as for the hair...
GRACE:
Karen!
KAREN:
Okay! Throw your sexual frustration at someone without 300-dollar shoes. like Will for instance.
GRACE:
Karen, just tell me where you were.
KAREN:
Well, honey, it's a funny story. Rosario was run over by a shopping cart.
GRACE:
Wha. Rosario was run over? .By a shopping cart? . Is she okay?
KAREN:
She's fine, honey; well apart from those big black tire marks on her ass.
[Laughs hysterically]
I think I'd better stay away from her a while though, I have a feeling when she next sees me she'll probably get on all fours and charge. Oh... remind me not to wear red around her.
GRACE: Why is she mad at you?
KAREN:
I was the one that run her over, honey. Have you ever used a shopping cart? Sheesh! Who's lame Idea was it to put wheels on the bottom? I mean if it wasn't for those I think all of those achne infested store clerks would not have filed that lawsuit against me.
GRACE:
Karen, do you actually feel any emotion?
KAREN:
Sorry honey, you're mouth moves, this word 'emotion' comes out but... nothing.
[Brings out a file and starts filing her nails]
[Jack rushes in]
KAREN: Hey poodle!
JACK: Hey Kare! Who's you're daddy?
KAREN: You are!
GRACE: What are you doing here Jack?
JACK: Well, I have the biggest news ever!
GRACE: Let me guess, you actually got within 2 feet of Ricky Martin without getting a restraining order?
JACK: No, that was yesterday. No.... I've got...
[Pulls out four tickets]
Four tickets to the Love Parade this week in Berlin.
GRACE:
The what?
KAREN:
You know honey.... the place where.... all the.... you know.... actually.... Poodle? What is it?
JACK:
Oh my god! It's only just the biggest Gay parade in the whole of Europe. My friend Klaus from Aachen got us four free tickets, plus free airfare! So you have to come.
KAREN:
Honey, I don't do gay parades.... well actually.... I just don't want to go. I mean I'll be the best looking woman there, well apart from the Drag Queens. What am I talking about? I look better than a Drag Queen!
GRACE:
Besides Jack, I can't go... I've got all this work to do and not long to do it in.
JACK:
Did I mention they have all you can eat Taco stalls, which include hunky, greasy Jewish men?
GRACE:
What time do we leave?
JACK:
Be at the airport for nine, the plane leaves at ten. Karen, are you sure you don't want to go?
KAREN:
Yep.
JACK:
Think of all those Lesbians you'll be able to French kiss,
KAREN:
Mmm. tempting. but no
JACK:
We can make everyone think we're doing it in the plane bathroom,
KAREN:
I'll be there at eight.
SCENE 2: WILL'S APARTMENT
[Will is in his bedroom, deciding what things to pack. Grace is in the living room, eating a tub of ice cream]
GRACE: Will?
WILL: Yeah?
GRACE: I wouldn't take those blue shorts - they make you look fat, and then that would make me look like Ally McBeal
WILL: [From his room] Eww!
GRACE: I know,
[Will comes out of his room, a suitcase packed]
WILL:
Sweetie, what are you doing? We've got like three hours to get ready!
GRACE:
I am ready, Will.
WILL:
Then where is your bag?
GRACE:
It's right... [Looks around] um... It's, err... actually, I don't exactly know
WILL:
What do you mean you don't know?
GRACE:
I think I might of...
[She pulls out a bag from next to the sofa; it's small and compact]
Oh wait! here it is.
WILL:
That's everything? Grace - you do realise we'll be there for a week. And are you sure you've got all your panties and bras. Because when we went to Hawaii last summer you only took one pair of panties and used them for the whole week.
GRACE:
That's a lie! I had two pairs! And. yes. I'm ready.
WILL:
Then what are these?
[Holds up 2 bras and a pair of panties]
GRACE:
Ok, so I don't have everything.
WILL:
Have you and Leo even got a suitcase?
GRACE:
Leo took it to Cambodia, along with eight of my bras and three of my panty- hoes. Do you have a spare one?
WILL:
Sure, in my closet, top shelf.
GRACE:
Thanks will, you're a lifesaver
[She runs of to his room]
[Jack Enters]
JACK:
Ich liebe dich
KAREN:
Honey, Who are you telling?
JACK:
No one, well. actually. hopefully everyone! I thought I'd practice that phrase - I think I'll need it a lot if you know what I mean?
WILL:
You do know that means 'I love you' in German?
JACK:
Oh well. Screw that!
KAREN:
God, yeah! . Anyway. Wilma. hurry up. the clocks a ticking. I want to get some hot lesbian action in before my manicure next week!
WILL:
Grace is just packing. it's her you need to be telling.
KAREN:
Oh god no! You let her pack alone! Are you insane?
[To Grace]
Honey! Don't pack a thing!
[Mutters]
Thank god I brought Rosario's cigar lighter!
SCENE 3: THE AEROPLANE
[Karen, Jack and Will are sitting next to each other; Grace comes back from the bathroom]
WILL:
What have you been drinking Grace? That's like the fifth time in half an hour! I mean. if you pee any more, the plane will tip up, like that scene in titanic.
GRACE:
Well, I have been known to resemble Kate Winslet.
JACK:
No Grace, you've been known to resemble Kate Winslet's ass. And god. talk about cellulite.
KAREN:
[Calling over a waitress]
Honey! Get me Vodka; my liver's dehydrated here.
WAITRESS:
I'm sorry Ma'am this is an alcohol-free deck. The bar is three decks down. But I'm afraid that's closed off for several hours.
KAREN:
No! No!
[Gets up out of her seat]
Where's the escape hatch in this thing? I need my Vodka! I'd rather plunge to my death than be sober!
[Runs out of sight]
JACK:
Karen! Wait! We haven't pretended to do it the bathroom yet - you promised we would!
[Runs after her]
WILL:
What the hell was I thinking? 12 hours on a plane with Tweedle drunk and Tweedle Dee.
GRACE:
Oh come on Will, it will all be worth it in the end. I mean. just imagine, all of those foreign gay men, some with bulging muscles and big. erm . vocabularies.
WILL:
Well, if you put it that way. I suppose I'll be able to cope. as long as Karen finds that escape hatch.
[Grace is at her desk, working, and Karen comes in, Sunglasses and all]
KAREN:
Hi Honey,
GRACE:
Karen, you're late, again. Not that it matters if you're here or not.
KAREN:
[Sees Grace's dress. A Polk dotted skirt with a blue sweater. She begins pointing at it, covering her eyes]
Erm.... Honey? What's this? What's going on? What's this all about? I thought you're Grease phase was over.
And as for the hair...
GRACE:
Karen!
KAREN:
Okay! Throw your sexual frustration at someone without 300-dollar shoes. like Will for instance.
GRACE:
Karen, just tell me where you were.
KAREN:
Well, honey, it's a funny story. Rosario was run over by a shopping cart.
GRACE:
Wha. Rosario was run over? .By a shopping cart? . Is she okay?
KAREN:
She's fine, honey; well apart from those big black tire marks on her ass.
[Laughs hysterically]
I think I'd better stay away from her a while though, I have a feeling when she next sees me she'll probably get on all fours and charge. Oh... remind me not to wear red around her.
GRACE: Why is she mad at you?
KAREN:
I was the one that run her over, honey. Have you ever used a shopping cart? Sheesh! Who's lame Idea was it to put wheels on the bottom? I mean if it wasn't for those I think all of those achne infested store clerks would not have filed that lawsuit against me.
GRACE:
Karen, do you actually feel any emotion?
KAREN:
Sorry honey, you're mouth moves, this word 'emotion' comes out but... nothing.
[Brings out a file and starts filing her nails]
[Jack rushes in]
KAREN: Hey poodle!
JACK: Hey Kare! Who's you're daddy?
KAREN: You are!
GRACE: What are you doing here Jack?
JACK: Well, I have the biggest news ever!
GRACE: Let me guess, you actually got within 2 feet of Ricky Martin without getting a restraining order?
JACK: No, that was yesterday. No.... I've got...
[Pulls out four tickets]
Four tickets to the Love Parade this week in Berlin.
GRACE:
The what?
KAREN:
You know honey.... the place where.... all the.... you know.... actually.... Poodle? What is it?
JACK:
Oh my god! It's only just the biggest Gay parade in the whole of Europe. My friend Klaus from Aachen got us four free tickets, plus free airfare! So you have to come.
KAREN:
Honey, I don't do gay parades.... well actually.... I just don't want to go. I mean I'll be the best looking woman there, well apart from the Drag Queens. What am I talking about? I look better than a Drag Queen!
GRACE:
Besides Jack, I can't go... I've got all this work to do and not long to do it in.
JACK:
Did I mention they have all you can eat Taco stalls, which include hunky, greasy Jewish men?
GRACE:
What time do we leave?
JACK:
Be at the airport for nine, the plane leaves at ten. Karen, are you sure you don't want to go?
KAREN:
Yep.
JACK:
Think of all those Lesbians you'll be able to French kiss,
KAREN:
Mmm. tempting. but no
JACK:
We can make everyone think we're doing it in the plane bathroom,
KAREN:
I'll be there at eight.
SCENE 2: WILL'S APARTMENT
[Will is in his bedroom, deciding what things to pack. Grace is in the living room, eating a tub of ice cream]
GRACE: Will?
WILL: Yeah?
GRACE: I wouldn't take those blue shorts - they make you look fat, and then that would make me look like Ally McBeal
WILL: [From his room] Eww!
GRACE: I know,
[Will comes out of his room, a suitcase packed]
WILL:
Sweetie, what are you doing? We've got like three hours to get ready!
GRACE:
I am ready, Will.
WILL:
Then where is your bag?
GRACE:
It's right... [Looks around] um... It's, err... actually, I don't exactly know
WILL:
What do you mean you don't know?
GRACE:
I think I might of...
[She pulls out a bag from next to the sofa; it's small and compact]
Oh wait! here it is.
WILL:
That's everything? Grace - you do realise we'll be there for a week. And are you sure you've got all your panties and bras. Because when we went to Hawaii last summer you only took one pair of panties and used them for the whole week.
GRACE:
That's a lie! I had two pairs! And. yes. I'm ready.
WILL:
Then what are these?
[Holds up 2 bras and a pair of panties]
GRACE:
Ok, so I don't have everything.
WILL:
Have you and Leo even got a suitcase?
GRACE:
Leo took it to Cambodia, along with eight of my bras and three of my panty- hoes. Do you have a spare one?
WILL:
Sure, in my closet, top shelf.
GRACE:
Thanks will, you're a lifesaver
[She runs of to his room]
[Jack Enters]
JACK:
Ich liebe dich
KAREN:
Honey, Who are you telling?
JACK:
No one, well. actually. hopefully everyone! I thought I'd practice that phrase - I think I'll need it a lot if you know what I mean?
WILL:
You do know that means 'I love you' in German?
JACK:
Oh well. Screw that!
KAREN:
God, yeah! . Anyway. Wilma. hurry up. the clocks a ticking. I want to get some hot lesbian action in before my manicure next week!
WILL:
Grace is just packing. it's her you need to be telling.
KAREN:
Oh god no! You let her pack alone! Are you insane?
[To Grace]
Honey! Don't pack a thing!
[Mutters]
Thank god I brought Rosario's cigar lighter!
SCENE 3: THE AEROPLANE
[Karen, Jack and Will are sitting next to each other; Grace comes back from the bathroom]
WILL:
What have you been drinking Grace? That's like the fifth time in half an hour! I mean. if you pee any more, the plane will tip up, like that scene in titanic.
GRACE:
Well, I have been known to resemble Kate Winslet.
JACK:
No Grace, you've been known to resemble Kate Winslet's ass. And god. talk about cellulite.
KAREN:
[Calling over a waitress]
Honey! Get me Vodka; my liver's dehydrated here.
WAITRESS:
I'm sorry Ma'am this is an alcohol-free deck. The bar is three decks down. But I'm afraid that's closed off for several hours.
KAREN:
No! No!
[Gets up out of her seat]
Where's the escape hatch in this thing? I need my Vodka! I'd rather plunge to my death than be sober!
[Runs out of sight]
JACK:
Karen! Wait! We haven't pretended to do it the bathroom yet - you promised we would!
[Runs after her]
WILL:
What the hell was I thinking? 12 hours on a plane with Tweedle drunk and Tweedle Dee.
GRACE:
Oh come on Will, it will all be worth it in the end. I mean. just imagine, all of those foreign gay men, some with bulging muscles and big. erm . vocabularies.
WILL:
Well, if you put it that way. I suppose I'll be able to cope. as long as Karen finds that escape hatch.