Tom Tucker: Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story, a recent poll ranks Justin Bieber's song Baby as the most hypnotizing song in history, next to the call of the Fiji mermaid and every Jimi Hendrix guitar solo ever played.
Tom Tucker: Oh, you have a point there, Diane. Now, let me try my newest insult on you. (Tom pulls out a flash card from his suit pocket and reads it aloud) "Diane, you're so smelly and gross that even a fishing vessel with salt water stink and barnacles wouldn't let you on."… These boat jokes doing anything for you?
Diane Simmons: No, not really.
Tom Tucker: Damn, I have to tell Seamus in the morning. Um… Anyway, here's Stewie Griffin's newest Hydrocyanic Acid segment. Stewie?
Stewie: Thanks, Tom. You know what really smashes my vial of hydrocyanic acid? People who think that Smurfs are demonic. A Smurf? Really? The little blue men that I see on Boomerang often? Here, here, let me give you an example of one of those people: One of Lynyrd Skynyrd's former backup singers. I mean, she thought almost everything in '80's pop culture was related to Satan, not just the Smurfs. For exmple, um… The Beatles, KISS, (surprise, surprise), even He-Man, (I think, for being gay). Yet, yet, he-here' where it gets really annoying: She hated Lynyrd Skynyrd, too. I mean, after that big plane crash, she practically thought that they were the devil's suicide bombers. So she said she lived a life of sin, rock music is evil, and yadda-yadda, but she still did reunion tours with them. What the (bleep)? Hey, why do we have to bleep that out?
Cameraman: (off screen) (Canadian accent) FCC regulations. We can only not do that on Showtime and other independent networks.
Stewie: Well, then, when my contract ends, I know where (song-like) I'm going! (seriously) Anyway, back to the subject. Unfortunately, she died not that long ago. Here's a picture of her… (Stewie looks at a picture of her tombstone that he got out of his desk) What the hell? There's a big hole in front of it. (In Spooner Street, we see Quagmire dragging a coffin into his home)
Quagmire: Alright! (his door closes and we hear the sound of Quagmire's clothes hitting the floor and a coffin opening) No, no, not alright!
Be sure to enjoy my next edition on a very special star. Let me give you a hint: He is the just (morbidly) the worst damn actor you will ever see in your life. (cheery) Well, have fun guessing who it is!