A/N: Hey, everyone! *waves *
Review if you value my sanity.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings.
Treebeard
Fangorn Forest
11023 Middle-earth
Arda
Dear Treebeard,
Help! There's a mad Dwarf in the forest waving a bloody axe in my second cousin's face! Our lives are in mortal peril! Save us, Treebeard! Make the Dwarf pay, and quick!
Distressed,
~Tree
Tree
Forest
11017 Middle-earth
Arda
Dear Mr. Tree,
Help is on the way ASAP.
Sincerely,
~Treebeard
Glóin
[Forwarded to Rivendell]
02448 Middle-earth
Arda
Dear Mr. Glóin,
You have chosen to forward all expenses of Master Gimli's credit card(s) to your address. In accordance to your wishes, we have forwarded your son Gimli's hospital bill to your current residence in Imladris, as you have informed us that you would be staying in Imladris for some days for a "friendly gathering." If you would like to change the address of your current residence, write to us at 00017 Middle-earth and send us your signature with the new address.
You will find Master Gimli's hospital bill enclosed in the letter.
Thank you for using our services,
~The Arda Credit Card Department
Gimli
[Forwarded to Rivendell]
02448 Middle-earth
Arda
Dear Mr. Gimli,
It might have come to your attention that you have overtaxed the maximum limits that your ME-rican Express card allowed. We have sent you the details of your most recent purchases in this letter. This letter has been forwarded to Rivendell, where your guardian and father Master Glóin is currently residing in. To renew your contacts with the Mountain Credit Card Company, we recommend you arrange a meeting with the officials immediately. We sincerely hope that you will heed our advice.
[ENCLOSED BILL]
Gimli
Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings
05730 Middle-earth
Arda
Internal bleeding … $310.00
Fractured kneecap(s) … $ 77.99
Blood poisoning … $ 219.99
Cracked skull … $ 200.00
Psychological disorders … $ 293. 99
Total cost … $ 1101.97
~Arda Hospital Department
Thank you for using our services,
~The Arda Credit Card Department
Gimli
Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings
05730 Middle-earth
Arda
Gimli,
You are so dead. One thousand dollars? Wait until your mother hears about this.
I'm waiting,
~Glóin
Glóin
Rivendell
02448 Middle-earth
Arda
Father,
Chill. It's only, like, one thousand dollars. And do you think I wanted to get mugged by all those crazy trees? It wasn't my choice. I was just holding my axe in case this evil wizard was lurking by and the Elf and the Ranger told me to lower my axe, but I didn't, and then all of a sudden a bunch of trees jumped on me. Aragorn and Legolas ran screaming in the opposite direction. I never knew they could run so fast, even when we were off chasing orcs.
Your loving son,
~Gimli
P.S.: I didn't know I had a mother.
~Gimli
Gimli
Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings
05730 Middle-earth
Arda
Dear Gimli,
OMG, are you, like, OK? I heard from a friend of mine who works in Manwë's Hospital that you got maimed pretty severely. Said you were muttering about ninja trees (what r ninjas?) when they brought you in. I'm so sorry I couldn't hang around to help you (can't say the same for Legolas, of course), but I was just so creeped out by those trees. Are you OK?
~Aragorn
Aragorn
The Road
99999 Middle-earth
Arda
Aragorn,
Seriously, I'm fine. Tell that friend of yours to shut his mouth, or I'll be shutting it for him. I have to be in the ward for a few more weeks, but I really am fine. And who says I was hallucinating? I'm not afraid of a bunch of weeds. Bring it on.
In fact, I was wondering if you were okay. You don't sound at all like yourself. Did you write the last letter yourself, or did a giggling maiden do it for you? Sure looks like it. I think it's high time you had a checkup of your own. The doctors here at the hospital are generous enough, except for the no-drinks policy.
~G.
Gimli
Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings
05730 Middle-earth
Arda
Gimli,
Forget I sent that letter. For your information, yes, I wrote that letter myself…but no one has to know about that. I hope you understand how important these petty little things can be to a future king. If anyone ever discover that *cough* I sent you, the paparazzi will be all over me saying that a king who writes like an uneducated child isn't fit to rule, and then I'll have to step down from the throne and go into hiding. Comprehend?
Our rendezvous point is Fangorn Forest. And this time, please keep your axe hidden. Legolas was…er…"pissed" about having fled from one of his favorite forests while he was screaming his head off. He's not talking to you (what a relief!). That really was quite amusing, though…. Don't tell him I said this.
~Destroy this letter,
Aragorn
P.S.: And don't sign your letters with a G. That's what Gandalf does, and from what I know of him, he'll set an avalanche on you for plagiarizing his rights or whatever.
I hope you don't forget to destroy this,
~Aragorn
Aragorn
The Road
99999 Middle-earth
Arda
Aragorn,
You can be so weird sometimes.
~Gimli
Reviews and feedback are always appreciated, thank you!
~Enchanted Authoress