Sometimes I wonder how people would react if I dropped my mask. When people see me they see a bright and happy 21 year old girl. I am not bright and happy, quite the opposite. That is not me at all.
When I smile I feel like bursting into tears, it takes all my self control to prevent that from happening. I don't know how no one has noticed the change in me, noticed how broken I am.
When I look in the mirror all I see is a broken soul. My hair is always daggy and lifeless, my skin looks pasty but the worst change is my eyes. They are always red rimmed with dark bags underneath. My eyes look haunted. Makeup helps cover the marks but it is beyond me how they don't notice how dead my eyes make me look.
I feel so lonely, day in and out I see people laughing and smiling with their friends. I no longer have that option. All my friends have either died or are to busy basking in there fame to spend time with me.
The girl, who laughed and smiled is gone, lost forever. She was taken from me. Is it possible to lose yourself? Because that is how I feel, doomed to be this lifeless person for eternity, an empty shell. The only emotions I feel anymore are pain and loss. They are the only things that remind me I am alive.
Having seen things that no one should have to see has left me in this pathetic state. Others have been strong, others have moved on. Others have diluted them self's that the war never happened. I cannot live with either of these options. There were too many life's lost to forget.
It has been six months since the final battle. Hogwarts is back to its former glory. It might look back to normal, it might look untouched, but it isn't. Coming back was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Walking the corridors where so many lost their lives is torture. I still half expect to wake up from this nightmare and see faces lost to the war. All of those who died fighting for what is right.
To respect the dead every night I go for a walk. When the school was fixed they made everything the same, apart from one thing. Down by the Black Lake, near Dumbledore's tomb a memorial was put up for everyone who fought in the final battle; there was also a memorial for every life taken throughout Voldomort's reign. There are thousands of names on both. Every night I read every name.
Having fought in battle at seventeen has scared many people. But the battle isn't all that has left me scared. While Harry, Ron and I were looking for a way to kill Voldomort I was caught. I was taken to an unknown location and tortured for information. It went on for days. Being starved for food and water was the least of my worries. I was hit with spell after spell. When that didn't make me talk Bellatrix carved Mudblood into my arm, then my cheek. The scars are now healed. I cannot see the marks, but the memories are just as bad, maybe worse.
I hate how everyone knows who I am. I am Hermione Granger, the bookworm, the only female member of the Golden Trio. I don't feel golden; I don't feel like the Gryffindor Princess as many people call me. I feel like a broken girl, whose capability to love, smile, and laugh was taken from her. I just don't want to be so empty. I don't have to be happy, but not empty and full of pain.
I can't do this for much longer, I need to move on. I can't bring myself to forget. But I need to put these events behind me. I need to do it for me; I need to do it for the people who didn't have the opportunity I have.
I have contemplated taking my life, but I can't bring myself to do it. Against all odds I survived. I can't waste that by taking my life. It would be a lot easier, but I can't. No pain, no feelings, no memories. It's sounding better every day.
I can finally put this behind me, with the help of others, others you would never expect to help someone like me. My boyfriend Draco Malfoy is the one that is helping finally get over the war. Fighting our demons together we will have successes.