Taking This Love Down With Me
Ian stood silently in his kitchen with the empty glasses that he and Lucy had drank from while she pulled her shoes on. She was talking about meeting up with her friends for food, and yet Ian was desperately trying bury the fact that there was a shitload of emotions inside of him trying to get him to say the right words that would make her stay.
Ever since he'd found out she was dating Chris, he'd been torn. One part of him was happy that his best female friend was happy. He loved Lucy more than just about anyone else on the planet, and she deserved to be the happiest she could possibly be. If that was with Chris, then that was how things should be.
But the other half of him was insanely fucking jealous. The mere idea that some other guy was kissing those perfect lips? That someone else had their arms wrapped around her tiny waist? That she was sitting in another guy's lap? Holding another guy's hand? All the things that she was doing with Chris, she wasn't doing with him.
And who was he to be jealous, anyway? It wasn't like he, as Ian, had ever kissed, held hands, or cuddled with Lucy. Every time something like that had happened, it had always been in character. But then, you couldn't exactly leave feelings in character, could you?
"Ian? Hey? Helloooo? You still in there? Or have you checked out for night?" Lucy giggled.
Ian shook his head and blinked suddenly a few times. "What? Yeah, sorry."
Lucy raised an eyebrow at him as she pulled her bag onto her shoulder. "What's going on in that head of ours, Harding?"
Ian shook his head again, smiling at her. "Nothing, honestly. I got distracted, I guess. So what were you saying?" "I was asking if you wanted to get dinner on the twelfth when I get back." She said.
Ian nodded. "Right, cause you're going to Vancouver for a few days?" Lucy nodded. "And then to Brazil. So dinner?"
"Sure," Ian agreed. "You're going be up for that?"
Lucy nodded again. She looked down at her watch. "We'll talk more about it later. I gotta get out of here before I miss my dinner."
Ian nodded. He followed her over to the door, and held her coat out so that she could slip her arms into it. Once she had it on, Lucy opened the door and stepped out.
"What? No hug goodbye?" Ian joked.
Lucy turned around and smiled at him. She reached up and hugged him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. Ian leaned into her and hugged her back, taking a deep breath. His gut wrenched as he breathed the scent of her strawberry shampoo, because he knew in a few moments, she would let go and leave.
He wanted to tell her not to leave. Not just to not leave for dinner, but not leave the next day to see her boyfriend. He wanted her to stay right there with him.
But just as he assumed, and just as he knew, she eventually released her arms from around his neck, and turned to walk away. At the last moment, he reached out and grabbed her arm.
"Hey."
Lucy turned around and looked up at him. "What-"
His hand came up to cup her face and gently pulled her up. Their lips connected a few seconds later, and suddenly a thousand different emotions and thoughts were running through Ian's head as his lips slowly parted and he brushed his tongue against her bottom lip. His thoughts were equally shattered when her lips opened and she all but invited his tongue into her mouth. Her hand slowly rested against his chest just next to his heart, and it phased him that she could probably feel his heart fucking racing.
And then it was just over, and all he wanted was to kiss her more. His lips were still parted as he panted softly. Lucy's hand slowly slipped down from his chest, and wordlessly, she turned and walked away. Ian watched as she walked down the hall and then turned away.
Long after she had left, he finally shut his door and closed his eyes as he leaned back against his wall. She hadn't said a word. She hadn't done anything after kissing him. She'd just walked away.
He slowly sunk down onto the floor, and furrowed his brow line as he bit on his tongue. What could be understood from this? How did this affect their relationship? Hell, how did this affect her relationship with Chris? What did this mean for them?
-
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
-
I'm on my way. Open the door.
He had stared at that message for at least twenty minutes after he'd received it. His heart was pounding, and she hadn't even shown up yet, but his thoughts had been racing endlessly for over two hours. What was she going to say to him? What were they going to do? Had he just fucked everything up beyond repair?
His door opened a few moments later, and he looked up, his mouth agape as Lucy pushed the door shut behind her.
He slowly stood up from his spot on his couch and ran his sweaty hands down over his jeans. There was a lot he wanted to say, but he didn't even know where to start. His heart was still pounding. He blinked and widened his eyes for a moment, trying to get a grip on himself.
"Sorry," Lucy said as she pushed the door shut. "I um…" She waved her hands, taking on a perplexed look. "I wanted to talk, but I didn't want to miss my friends- my reservations." She looked back up at him. "Ian…"
He closed his mouth, which was too dry from standing there, still struggling for the words that were refusing to form into a proper sentence in his head. He brushed his tongue over the roof of his mouth, getting some saliva moving, before he opened his mouth to speak again. All that came out was a frustrated breath.
Lucy took several steps towards him, and suddenly he was seeing black spots. Was his heart really racing that fast?
"Whoa, Ian." Lucy dashed over to him and placed her one hand on his chest while her other rested on his shoulder. She gently lowered him down onto the couch and then sat down next to him. "Take a deep breath, sweetie."
He looked over at her as he forced a long breath into his lungs. Things quickly began to clear up as he breathed out, and took in another breath. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Lucy shook her head.
"Don't say anything right now," she insisted. "Just breathe. You're scaring the shit out of me doing crap like this."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked.
Lucy glared at him. He closed his mouth and continued breathing in deep breaths.
"You," she said. "I'm not going to kill you Ian, so stop freaking out." He huffed. "You walked out of here without so much as goodbye. I had no idea if you were coming back, or if you were pissed at me or-" "STOP." She growled. "Just fucking breathe before you pass out."
Ian groaned and threw himself dramatically back against his couch. He and Lucy stared at each other in an equally frustrated manner for several minutes as he waited for his heart rate to come back down to a manageable level. Once it had, he pushed up off the couch and walked over to the kitchen. It wasn't necessarily that he was suddenly craving something or anything like that. He just wanted to put some space between them and busy his hands with something, so he grabbed a wine glass from one of the cupboards and then busied himself filling it with sparkling water.
"What was that kiss about earlier?" Lucy finally asked. She stood up from her seat, but didn't walk over to him.
Ian shook his head, settling the glass on the counter. "I don't- I…" He closed his eyes and brought a hand up to his face, squeezing the bridge of his nose. He exhaled a long breath. "It was about a lot of things."
"Like?" Lucy asked. She walked over to the counter and leaned against it as Ian looked up.
"Really?" He asked. He tipped his head to the side. "Are we actually going to beat around the bush instead of just being honest?"
"Say it, Ian. Stop lying about how you feel, and maybe things would change."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "Me, lying?Seriously, Luce? Because I was pretty clear about how I felt. You're the one who walked away."
"I told you-" Ian cut her off. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't want to miss your reservations."
"I have a boyfriend, Ian." Lucy argued. "Why couldn't you-" He slammed his hands down on the counter, palm-down as he glared up at her. "Why? I love you, Lucy. God damn it, You think I'd say this if I could keep it to myself? It makes me sick looking at you with him, because I can't fucking stand it! I hate the idea of him doing anything with you that I can't! In ways that I can't even explain to you. I tried so hard to keep it to myself, but the idea that you're going to go there tomorrow and be with him and do things that-" He stopped, clenching his jaw. "I can't. I don't-…" He shook his head. "I can't make you not go. I can't stop you from going to be with him. But I couldn't lie about how I feel anymore, either."
Lucy frowned as she looked at him. "Ian… I don't…I mean, I…"
Ian shook his head. "I know you don't feel the same way. It's why I've never said it before. It's why I've lied a lot about how I feel. But it's the truth. And I can't stand the idea of not telling you, if I takes any difference. I can see that it doesn't though so…" He nodded.
Lucy popped up and placed her hands down on the counter. "I never said that. I just, I don't know what to do with this information. I mean, Chris…" "Do you love him?" Ian asked her honestly.
Lucy looked down, and then back up at him. "I honestly don't know. I don't feel like I've known him long enough to say that."
"And me?" He asked tentatively.
Lucy gave a small smile, tilting her head towards him. "Of course, I love you, Ian. But I think maybe we love each other in different ways. I don't really know. I've never thought much about it. I just…I thought we were in agreement about our relationship because of everything with Pretty Little Liars. I thought…I don't know. I thought we were just going to be friends." Ian reached a hand across the counter and took one of her hands in his. "I've tried. But, I've told you. Seeing you with him makes me sick. I don't want it, Luce."
She nodded slowly. "I wish I could give you all the answers you want right now, but I need to think about this. I'm not dismissing you, or saying that I don't care, but…I'm gonna go to Vancouver tomorrow. Not so I can be with him, but regardless of what happens, it needs to happen face-to-face, okay? We'll have dinner when I get back. We'll talk about everything, and I promise I'll call you. Just…I need time."
Ian couldn't deny that he was sad to hear her say that she needed time to think about things, but he understood. He'd taken months to finally tell her how he really felt. He couldn't expect her to suddenly feel the same way, especially when she had a boyfriend. The best he could do was wait, hope, and pray.
"Okay."