Okay! So this little idea came to me last night, and I wrote in the time span of three hours. I'm rather proud of it...I hope it's good to the rest of you, but I enjoy reading it. Kind of cliche in a way, but I like the concept. I'm going to start off saying that I don't believe, in any way, that Ryuuken is an evil guy and that he's cold and unfeeling, and I feel he loves his son very much. He has emotions and feelings and I tried my best to portray that in this story. So, if you think he's OOC, that's fine...I did what I could with what I had. Oh! And none of this stuff belongs to me, it belongs to Tite Kubo! Nothing ever belongs to me...I'm just not creative enough to have my own manga/anime. So I hope you enjoy! Title is based off of a song that inspired this writing, and the song is by a Korean Pop group called Super Junior M! I know the KPop/JPop community has yet to explode here in the states, but it's absolutely amazing and you should totally check it out.
Okay, enough with my rambling. Onto the story! Warnings of Fluff and Smut ahead! :3
Being in love is hard. It lifts you up, makes you feel like you're on top of the world, before sending you crash-landing to the ground so hard you see stars. It tears you apart, makes you feel more alive then ever before, because it's reality.
I'm in love. That's what it feels like every time I see him. I feel as if, when we're together, that I mean the world to him. But I fool myself so that I don't have to see the truth; that he really doesn't love me, that he only uses my body. I fool myself into thinking I mean something to him.
I don't, of course, but if I were to believe that at the time I'd come apart at the seams. I'd break down, unable to do anything but cry. The temptation to do so has hit me like a freight train so many times. But I always, somehow, manage to hold back in front of him. I never cry when I'm with him, only show him the side he knows of me. The analytical, smart, and easy me. Not the passionate, loving, emotional me. If he ever knew...he'd surely throw me aside.
With those odds, though it hurts me almost more than I can bear, I stay nearby. Things bottle up, and I break down on my own in the comfort of my apartment. As my internship draws to a close, I get scared and feel as if my whole world is going to come apart. I've been stuck on this one man for ages now, since I started my internship and even before then. He's the reason I applied for the internship I'm in now. He's the reason for everything I've done to become successful since medical school. He spoke once, at a seminar at the medical school I was attending at the time, and I became so enamored of him because he spoke words that were so true to me, so real...and he captivated me. He seemed like the epitome of what I wanted to be. I became infatuated and captivated, unable to let him go. I struggled through the last two years of medical school—learned his name, the hospital he worked at and owned—so that I could apply for the internship there my first year after graduating medical school. I worked so hard because I wanted to be number one on the list of candidates.
I thought it was my lucky break when I got accepted to work alongside him, the one I admired so greatly, as his assistant. He'd greeted me very monotonously, as if I was just another person walking through the door. I wasn't anything special. It didn't dampen my spirits in any way, though. I only worked harder so that I could impress him. After three months, I thought I was doing excellent. I was on top of my game, getting things done in a timely and organized manner and with expertise I hadn't known existed inside of me. I've never received his praise, and even though the other doctors have said something to me, I feel like it never means anything because it's not coming from the person that really matters.
I want him to notice what I'm doing and why. At the same time I don't because I don't want him to say things to hurt me. Because if he did, in all honesty I don't know how I'd make it through my internship. I keep hoping that, maybe, just maybe, he'll realize that he loves me too. It's futile to hope, but...sometimes it's all you have. And in this case, it really is all I have.
I remember the first time he touched me...the first time I laid with my back across his desk and clung to him for dear life. The day he took my virginity. I was 26 years old and a virgin. I remember it as if it were yesterday. It didn't really hurt...not too bad. I didn't cry, didn't let a single tear streak down my face. I didn't scream in pain or shout...I was quiet and still, and so was he. I left his office that day, wondering what had just happened and also wondering if he had felt that amazing heat and spark I'd felt when we were making love. I felt it...something just so right about being with him.
I believed that he felt that way about me, and that's why he would come back for more...or I would. Either way, I was hooked and couldn't stop. I wanted him, and if he was willing to take me I was willing to give him all of me. Because I loved him. Because I wanted him to love me. I was desperate for attention from him in so many ways, and yet never satisfied. He's never kissed me, and I've never kissed him. It's always been physical, hands and fingers and nothing more than that. No kisses, nothing intimate, just physical. And that's the way it's been.
What I wouldn't give to be able to kiss him...to share with him just how much he means to me.
Now, with only two weeks left in my internship, I'm going to be leaving and I probably won't ever see him again. My love will go forever unrequited and I will fall apart. I've been building myself up to take this devastating blow of being pulled from his side, but it's hard. When he still wants my body I just can't seem to be able to pull myself away from him long enough to build up any immunity. But I have to try...otherwise I won't make it without him.
I'm in my own little nook of an office, papers in my hand as I begin to neatly organize and discard the place. In two weeks it will be emptied anyway, but I try to make it look nice all the time so I don't look like a slob. As I'm filing things away, I see a report that I'd finished that I was supposed to turn into Ishida-sama today. I file everything else away, grab my things to leave, and then make my way to his office. I hesitate and hope silently that he isn't in there so that I don't have to face him anymore today. I've reached my limit today and I'm not sure how much more I can take before I fall apart.
When I walk in his office, he's standing at one of the windows and staring out of it. It's twilight, and the sun is off in the distance in rays of orange, purple, dark blue and gray. They're fading together as the sun makes it's progress to respite in order for the moon to awaken. He doesn't move to let me know that he knows I'm there, so instead I walk forward to set the report on his desk. I don't even take two steps before he stops me with just his words alone.
"Mariko." He says my full first name, and I know what that means. Immediately my body heats up and anticipation wracks me. But I can't let it get out of control. I can't give in to him today. Not today, not tomorrow...not ever again. If I'm going to make it on my own I have to separate myself from him.
"Ishida-sama, I brought that report you wanted from me. I almost forgot it on my way out." I admit, so that he knows I was leaving. Maybe then he'll leave me alone. Maybe then he'll let me walk out of here with my dignity in tact as I go to shut myself in my apartment and slowly let myself fall apart over him.
Just maybe, I may be able to walk out of here and come back tomorrow even stronger and more than able to let him go.
"Thank you." He says softly, taking it from my hand slowly with a stare that says more than words ever could. He wants me...he wants my body.
But not today and not ever again. Never again can I let him touch me. Not when he doesn't love me and never will.
He walks over to his desk, files the report away without reading it, and then slowly walks around the side of the desk again toward me. I instinctively take a step back to keep him at a reasonable distance from me so that my body doesn't respond as strongly as it usually does. So that I can keep my cool and walk out of here untouched.
"I...have another engagement, Ishida-sama. If you'll excuse me..." I say softly, backing up to make my escape.
"Mariko..." He says my name again, still monotonous, still unfeeling. I have to fight the urge to wince at hearing it. Hearing my name makes me freeze in place, however. He walks toward me, and I'm surprised by his left hand gently touching my right one. His fingers are calloused and scarred from surgery and Gods knows what else. I'd know those fingers better than anyone, I think.
His hand slowly traces up my arm to my neck, then my chin, and I can't force myself to look at him. I'm afraid that I'll cry if I see him...I'm afraid I'll break down if he touches me anymore...I can't take it.
"Look at me, Mariko..." He says softly, and I let my eyes glance up into his. Those gorgeous brown eyes came into my view, and I nearly gasped. In his eyes, I saw something...something that sparked a little ray of hope in me, made me feel like there was a way...
...no. I can't let myself be fooled. He's always been a good actor. After seeing the real him for so long, being his assistant, I'm not fooled by this act. He's always acted genuine and kind toward others, but I know the truth. It's always fake...he hates speaking at conventions and talking to people. If he could spend all day in surgery, he would. He hates dealing with the politics, yet he's so good at it. And because of all of that, I can't believe what I see.
Still, the little glimmer of hope hardly fades even as I've managed to convince myself that it's fake, what I'm seeing now.
"Tell me, Mariko...in all honesty..." He leans closer, and my breath hitches as his mouth moves to my ear. For the first time, I feel his lips against the shell of my ear. I resist the urge to pull him into a searing, yearning kiss. I have to hear what he has to say.
"...are you in love with me?"
The words leave his mouth in a husky whisper, floating delicately to my sensitive eardrums, vibrating through me. At this, I'm speechless. Am I that transparent? Is it really that evident to him?
I can't find words to speak. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have to say something, anything...anything to let him know that he has no control over me even if it isn't true.
"...What are you talking about, Ishida-sama? That's crazy, you're my—"
I'm silenced at this point, unable to speak anymore as my lips and mouth are currently occupied. I feel his lips moving against mine, but unable to move I can simply do as my body does. My eyes flutter closed as I slowly start to give in to the kisses. This feeling...the warmth and emotion and love that's spreading throughout my body and through my kisses...this is what I've been wanting, needing, all along. The only thing now is whether he can feel it as well.
I feel something wet on my cheek, and he pulls away and kisses each of my cheeks. I'm crying in front of him, breaking down completely, as he tears down these walls. I thought my resolve was solid as steel...that I could withstand anything so long as I kept him at a distance.
But in a few moments he'd broken all of that down so easily and found out my secret. As if it really mattered...but I'd never wanted him to know because I didn't want him to ridicule me. I didn't want him to make me feel so horrible about myself. I wanted to keep it to myself to protect myself from the harm he would cause me. Now that it was out without a doubt, he would surely cut me off at my knees and ruin me. Of that I was almost certain.
Still, the hope hadn't faded that he might, just maybe...love me too.
"You're crying, Mariko. Why?" He asks me, softly. His voice is soft, sweet...caring. Something I've never heard. Why was he acting this way? Was he toying with me in order to build me up more before knocking me down completely? Or was he being genuine?
Hell, I couldn't tell anymore, and in all honesty I didn't really care. I just wanted to get the hell out of here.
"...Ishida-sama..."
"Call me by my name, Mariko." He says, and the tears keep coming. I can't stop them. I need to get out of here. I have to get home to my sanctuary so I can lose myself in my misery. I have to let it all out. I hate myself right now, so much, because I don't want to appear weak in front of him. I want to be strong...but I can't get it together. I have to find the door, then the doorknob...so I can leave and run far away.
"...Ryuuken...why? Why are you doing this? Why do you...I don't understand." I manage to say. Why am I talking to him? Why am I still here? I need to leave! Damn you, stupid idiot, move your damned body and leave!
"Mariko, your affections are obvious. You can try and hide, and you can try to run, but that is a fact you cannot deny. You are in love with me, Mariko. Tell me, why is it you've hidden it for so long? After nearly six months I had already figured it out...I thought I made that obvious that I knew. Yet you seemed so oblivious. So why hide it?" My eyes are no longer looking at him. That doorknob! If only I could get to that doorknob!
"Ryuuken, I...I never said anything...because I was afraid you would just ridicule me. I didn't want that...I felt as if you didn't know, that it never came across. Besides, what does it matter? I'm leaving in two weeks, anyway. I don't see why it would be so important for me to tell you this now." I say, wiping my cheeks in vain. The tears won't stop no matter what I do at this point. I back up and put my hand on the doorknob, but he's quick to stop me from turning the knob. As such, he ends up dangerously close to me.
"You honestly thought I never knew? Funny, I guess I need to make that more obvious. You are transparent when you're in the throes of passion, Mariko. Like this, you are composed and calm. When you're on your back, and when I'm making love to you, the evidence is undeniable. I don't think you know just how much you give away."
"If you knew then why didn't you say anything until now?" I ask, biting back without meaning to. I've never talked this way to him, but he's making me angry. Did he really know this long?
"...I didn't know how. To tell you that I knew you loved me...was hard enough. To tell you that I felt the same was was even harder...until now. I'm about to lose you, Mariko...and though I've never given you a compliment even when you went above and beyond my expectations...I'm proud of you and glad that I got to know you. Still, losing you will be hard enough on its own..."
Am I really hearing this? This isn't the Ryuuken I know. This isn't Ishida-sama...this is a man that has been buried so long due to pain and anguish and politics and work. The eyes I see now are that of raw emotion. He's hurting inside, somewhere, because of something, and I see it. I've never seen him this way before...but there's no way he isn't genuine. No one could fake a face like that...of wanting, yearning, for something you haven't had in a long time.
Just what happened to him?
"...Mariko, I don't want you to leave. In almost ten years I haven't felt this way...not since I lost my wife and the trust of my son. You are the first person that has been able to fill that void that's in my heart, where my wife used to be...where I wish my son was now. I've never felt the need to let my emotions get the better of me...I've never let anyone in since that time so long ago. I know you've never seen me so...distraught and desperate before. But Mariko, I swear that I'm not lying to you. I love you, Mariko...more than you could ever know. More than I could ever say in words."
This man...he's tearing my heart apart, but in a good way. I know that I love him...to see him so hurt and desperate, wanting to be loved in return...I can't say no. Never have I seen him this way, and I'm sure no one has in a very long time. He's breaking apart over me...
My thoughts are interrupted as he kisses me, putting everything he feels into it, and immediately my body gives in. I can't say no to him, not when he wants it so bad that he's willing to come apart at the seams for me. This man...he loves me. Something I never thought possible.
Leaving will be so much harder now, knowing this.
I reach up to stroke his face, and I feel tears. He's crying as he breaks the kiss, leaning into me and falling into my arms. He's coming completely apart...his heart is tearing him up.
"Ryuuken..." I say his name softly as he clings to me, tears falling onto my shoulder as he holds me. Whatever this is that's hurting him...it pains me, too. It's real...I can feel it coming from every pore of his body.
"All I want...is my wife...and my son...yet my wife is gone, and my son can't stand me no matter what I do...I know that I could never have my wife back, Mariko, and that's why...that's why I need you. I need someone that can take care of me. I've been taking care of myself for too long...to find someone to love me is more than what I could ever ask for. Because I have no one else." My heart wrenches at this. He misses his late wife...he misses his son...he misses them, and he doesn't want to be alone.
I wrap my arms tightly around him, holding him close and feeling his warmth as I keep him close for comfort.
"Ryuuken, I understand. You don't have to tell me...I can feel it. I...you don't know what it means to me to hear that from you. You really don't know." I say softly, and he looks at me with those gorgeous brown eyes.
"Stay here, Mariko. I can get you to stay here for the rest of your internship...I can get you a position here at the hospital afterward. I want you here, Mariko, because I need you here. I know that I haven't been very forthcoming with my feelings...all I wanted was sex at first...but now it's not like that anymore. I want you to stay here and be my rock, Mariko. I need you here...I love you." He says, kissing me again, and this time it's needy and hungry but also passionate. I kiss him back, then pull away and bite my bottom lip.
"...The medical school said I have to go back for another semester to a year of classes, for my specialty. As much as I want to stay...they won't let me. I'm...so sorry, Ryuuken." I say as he holds me.
For many long moments we remain there, silent. Then, he speaks up.
"But you'll come back, won't you?"
I smile. This makes me happy. He wants me back. I want to come back.
"Of course. I love you...Ryuuken." I say softly, leaning into his embrace. It's silent again as he kisses me, and I just lean into it and get lost in it. Gods, why haven't we kissed until now? He leans me against the door and presses his body against mine. Somehow...I don't want this to be the same as before. I don't want to be laid over his desk again as he mindlessly drives himself into me. No, I want something more passionate than that. And I think he can sense that, too.
"...Let's go somewhere else to continue." He says softly, grabbing his things and pulling me behind him.
Things are a blur from there. We get in his car, get to his large estate, and before I know it I'm whisked into his large bedroom. The room he shared with his wife. The room that means so much to him. The room he's slept alone in for over ten years. The room that now I'm walking into, the bed that I'm going to lay in, the bed we're going to soil with our sinful act. The bed his son was conceived in with his wife...right in this very same bed, we are going to make love long into the night. I don't want to be just another memory in this bed...I want to be a part of it. I'll have to work hard at it, but I'll make it there by his side.
In a whirl of clothes, hands, kisses and caresses, I find myself on my back, naked as the day I was born with him hovering above me in the the same manner. His body is amazing, and even for an older man he's in excellent shape. Sculpted yet lean arms and chest, flat and taut abs...he's lost his glasses, and now he staring at me with lust and love. We're both aroused almost beyond our limits of control. This is the moment we've been waiting for, and he pushes that moment forward as he sheathes himself within my body. My legs grip his waist as my hands claw down his back. This feels so good...sinfully good. His body feels amazing against mine. We have let go...I have been letting myself do as I please. He has done the same, and as he moves within me it's no different. This time, unlike all other times, he's moaning wantonly, pleasuring himself within my body but with love. I cling to him and moan, gyrating my hips up into him. That hot flesh, penetrating me deep into my core, makes me crazy like never before. With every thrust, he is soon moaning every time he full sheathes himself within me. It heightens in pitch and volume as he gets closer to the edge.
The bed creaks from the force of our love, the headboard hitting the wall, but I don't care. This feels euphoric...like ambrosia. Ecstasy whips through me as we continue our dance.
"Ah...ngh...uh...ah! Mariko...Mariko...Mari—ah!" He moans, and I can't help blushing at these sounds. They are so erotic...so perfect. I don't want this to stop.
"Ryuuken! Mm...ah! Oh...ah, m-more! More! Ngh...ah!" I feel that heat coiling in my belly. I don't want it to...if we could go like this, just on the edge of the end all night, I would be in bliss. Feeling him move within me, hard and pulsating, throbbing and full of hot blood, is more perfect than I'd ever imagined. We've had sex before...but not like this. This is perfect.
His pace speeds up, and soon I can no longer form words. I just make noise, clinging to him and letting him drive himself into me at incredible pace. His moans and groans continue, and they alone drive me closer. I feel that heat pooling, ready to release at any moment.
"Ah...ah! Oh, yes, ah! Ryuuken, I...I'm going to...I..."
"...Mariko...ah...ah! Come with me, please...stay with me...a little longer." He says, and I hold on for dear life as he drives his last thrusts into me. They are rough, hard, not too fast, but are plenty to make me crazy. I dig my nails into his back as our rhythm goes constant, fluid and hard.
His hands dig into my hips as his back arches and his head goes back. My name flies from his mouth as he tumbles over the edge, his entire body wracked with his release. It's so hard that it sends me straight over the edge as well. My back also arches, off of the bed, and I scream his name. He clenches my hips to keep himself sheathed within me as he comes down from his release. I'm seeing stars to the point that I can't see anything else. I close my eyes as he passionately kisses me, his tongue invading my mouth. I relish in these kisses, and he pulls out of me, laying down as he breaks our kisses and pulling me close to him as I turn to snuggle into him. I drift to sleep, but not before I hear those magical words.
"I love you, Mariko."
"I love you too, Ryuuken."
~*Two years later*~
Two years. It's been nearly two years since I've stepped foot in this hospital. I was an intern the last time. Now, I'm a full-fledged doctor. It's been almost two years since I've seen him, as well. I buried myself in work to finish a year early. I wanted to see him again, because I promised him I'd work hard. I haven't seen him...I wonder if things are still the same as before. Is he what I remember from that night? Or from that morning?
"Ah, welcome, Dr. Tokugawa. It's nice to see you again! How does it feel coming back to the first hospital you interned at?" I smile my signature professional smile at the male nurse that now worked for me.
"It feels great. I consider this my home more than any other place." I tell him.
The day is busy, and my mind is on nothing but my work. However, as I'm talking with two of my nurses, I hear my name from behind me.
"Mariko." I freeze as the nurses walk away with their duties, leaving me alone. I turn and see him there, just as before...only this time, his hair is not silver, but instead brown. It looks good on him...I like this look on him. It's different, but I feel my heart warm at seeing him.
"Ryuuken." I say back, turning to face him completely. He gestures for me to follow him, and since when am I the type to resist a gorgeous man asking me to follow him? Especially when I love said man?
We get to his office, and as soon as we're both inside my back is against the door and his lips are on mine. I lean into him and pull him into me more. His body slides into place with mine, pressing fully against me. It's as if we fit. I'm happy, in love with this man, and wanting to be nowhere but here in his arms.
"Mariko...I love you. I missed you." I smirk a little, then smile fully.
"I missed you too, Ryuuken. I love you." I say, and he kisses me again.
I'm glad that I managed to chisel my way into this man's heart that I thought was made of stone. In the end, his heart was made of gold...the only thing holding him back was his own walls that he'd put up. I found out that not all love is forever unrequited. Sometimes you just have to be patient and let things happen.
I'm glad I let this happen. So very, very glad.
So that's the end! I hope you enjoyed it, so let me know what you think by leaving me a review on how I did with Ryuuken's character as well as the story's plot. Constructive criticism is always appreciated! Love you all and thanks for reading, kiddos! :D