Just One More Look
February 11, 2009
Alexis sat at the dining table with her daughter, Kristina enduring an early dinner. The morning had been exhausting for both of them. The first day of school for the average child was traumatic enough, but for Kristina Davis; it was a lesson in patience more so than anything. Nothing was more irritating to her than having to deal with grown ups who treated her like a four-year old in a six-year old body. As Alexis sat next to her she glanced over and decided it was time to address the situation.
"So how mad at me are you, Kristina?"
"I'm not mad at you, mom."
"Yes, you are and how many times have I told you that telling me something other than the truth will only lead to more problems. I understand, Kristina. I did it again today and I'm sorry. I didn't consider your feelings before I acted and all I can do is apologize and promise to try and not do it again."
Kristina sat back and crossed her arms in irritation then glared up at her mother.
"Do you know how it makes me feel for you to always be babying me when I don't need it anymore? I didn't want you to take me into my class and introduce me to my teacher like I couldn't talk for myself or something. Changing from private school to public is not that big a deal. I could have introduced myself if that's what everyone else was doing. How many other moms did you see in that room? Now my teacher is going to treat me different from everybody else because you're the new DA and that's supposed to mean something big. How am I supposed to make any friends if they all think I'm a baby and need my 'mommy' to baby-sit me everywhere I go? It's not fair, mom. I don't do that to you, so why do you have to make me suffer through it?"
It was practically impossible to hide the grin that threatened to spread across her face and further irritate her daughter. From the moment Kristina began to walk there was no stopping her. She quickly decided that she was an important part of this new world that she was born into and nothing was going to stop her from getting the most out of it. If a challenge lay before her, she worked until it was resolved. Alexis remembered vividly the day Kristina decided she no longer wanted the mobile hanging over her crib any longer. So before she even learned to crawl, Kristina learned how to pull herself up using the railing of her crib and then proceeded to reach out and yank the hated mobile down. Evidently it wasn't enough for 'mommy' to promise never to turn it on again and have a synthesized box of fake music pelting her ears every night, the whole mobile had to go. All Kristina needed to send her to sleep was the sound of her mother's heartbeat as she softly hummed her favorite lullaby. That sound carried her through the night and it was the first sound she heard in the morning when 'mommy' snuck in just before dawn to steal her from her bed only to return to her own for an hour or two of cuddling before the day had a chance to intrude upon them.
"Kristina, you know I love you and I just wanted to make sure everything went alright for you on your first day at a new school."
Alexis quickly covered a grin with her hand. It would no longer stay hid when she witnessed the most adorable trait her daughter picked up from her. Kristina rolled her eyes heavenward.
"Did you need a 'mommy' to take you to work today, mom?"
Kristina immediately saw the darkness that entered her mother's eyes as her smile faded from sight. She knew without asking what caused her mom to become sad.
"I'm sorry, mom. I didn't think."
"It's okay, baby. You know me, some things just don't stay where I put them sometimes."
Kristina ducked her head and reached out slowly for her mother's hand.
"I wish she was here and could go to work with you any day you wanted her to."
Alexis squeezed her daughter's hand gently then reached for her and pulled her onto her lap. It wasn't often that Kristina allowed her this special comfort anymore, so for her not to fight this time told Alexis that her daughter needed her touch just as much as she needed Kristina's.
"So do I, sweetheart. So do I. But, it's just you and me and that's enough now. Your grandmother is watching over us just like my sister is. And someday maybe when we both grow up some more, it won't hurt mommy as much."
Kristina leaned her head down and rested it on Alexis' shoulder before whispering.
"It's been a long time, but can we do it again right now? Can we, mom? Would it make you too sad?"
Alexis wrapped both arms around her daughter and stood up pushing her chair back so she wouldn't stumble over it. The tears that threatened to spill were causing the room to blur. She leaned her head down and lay it against her daughters.
"No, honey. It won't make me too sad. You go get the book and I'll get the rest set up."
Kristina pushed against her mother gently until she was once again standing on her own then reached out pulling the hand that still clung to her own down so that she was able to gaze into her mother's eyes.
"Thanks, mom." Before she flew off to retrieve the book she quickly kissed her mothers cheek.
And the tears flowed freely down Alexis' cheeks. It was moments like this that she cherished above all others. When love was safe and kind. When it could not be questioned or maligned. When just looking into her daughter's eyes could heal her deepest grief.
Five years. Five years and it still hurt just as much today as it did the moment she heard the news. He had gone back for her... he couldn't save his son... and he refused to leave her behind if there was the slightest chance she was still there. His life was the price he paid for caring about her. But wasn't that the way it always was. How many people paid the price for loving her... being a friend to her... being associated with her or her family? And would her daughter have to pay the ultimate price one day?
Alexis walked over to her desk and pulled from the bottom drawer a small case. Opening it gently she pulled from it an old worn cassette. Holding it tenderly she retrieved the special candles that were always used for this adored ritual. Placing the cassette into the player she picked up the remote. Hearing Kristina return from her bedroom, Alexis waited until she was seated on the sofa then leaned over and lit the two candles that she placed on the coffee table. Just before she sat down beside Kristina she pushed the 'play' button on the cassette deck. An age-old aria began to fill the room with its sweetness and Alexis' heart once more began its tug- of-war. Such beautiful grace and elegance in so delicate a voice... to cry for the loss or find joy in the treasure... a battle never won and never lost. Her thoughts were broken as she felt Kristina lean toward her and place the book between them. Half of the book on her lap and half on her own. And there on the first page... a photo that had taken years to find. Her mother.
A small gentle whisper reached her ears. "That's my grandmother."
"Yes, my love. That's your grandmother. My mother. Isn't she beautiful?"
Another whisper. "Almost as beautiful as you are."
She leaned over and placed a kiss on top of her daughter's head. "Thank you, sweetheart."
The page was slowly turned and Alexis' heart felt the grief all over again' the loss still so raw... still able to bring her to her knees. Another quiet whisper...
"That's my Aunt Kristina. I was named after her."
With a choked voice... "Yes, sweetheart. She loved you before you were born and I promised her I would give you her name."
Kristina reached and lay her small hand on top of her mother's. "It's okay mom... you can cry. When I'm sad it makes me feel better if I cry."
It was always like this. From the first moment Kristina became inquisitive about the photos that lined the fireplace mantle. Somehow she instinctively knew that the photos held some kind of power over her mother. She would reach high and point toward the photo of the beautiful red- haired wonder that was revealed to be her Aunt; screaming until the photo was finally placed into her little hands; her mother's cherished sister. Winnie-the-pooh and Tigger lost their appeal as another curiosity took over. It didn't surprise Alexis that Kristina would become fixated on the photo. Her sister always affected people that way.
"I'm alright, sweetheart. Just having you here with me helps me not miss her so much. Do you know that you are a lot like your aunt? She was always going out and trying to do things on her own, just like you do. She smiled all the time and absolutely refused to let anyone be sad around her."
"I don't like people to be sad either."
"I know you don't. And sometimes that gets you into trouble, doesn't it?"
"I can't help it mom. If I see someone is sad I just think you ought to try and say something to them and make them feel better."
"Not if they are strangers, Kristina. Promise me you won't talk to strangers anymore."
The first time Kristina walked up to a stranger in the park Alexis panicked and scared Kristina by screaming her fear and pulling her quickly away. It took a few hours of cuddling and talking quietly to her before Kristina could calm down following the incident.
She quickly steeled herself as she vaguely heard another page turn. The one page she didn't want to see on this particular day. But, how could her child know the pain it would cause? How could she know that of all the losses in her life... it was this one that at this time in her life hurt the most? So much left unsaid between them... so much that needed to be said. Then... in the blink of an eye... he was gone. Lost to her. Leaving her alone... again. She didn't get the chance to say good-bye... never saw those beautiful eyes one last time. Eyes that could look so deep into her soul that in one moment cause her to run in fear and in the next want to wrap him around herself so she'd never be lost again.
"It's Cameron, mom."
"Yes sweetheart. It is." She couldn't say his name. It hurt too much. She silently begged her daughter to turn the page... to hide those beautiful eyes from her sight. "Not today, Kristina.' She silently pleaded. 'Please turn the page, my angel.' She wouldn't ask her daughter to go any faster through the beloved book... she knew how much it meant to her daughter to see the faces that meant so much to her mother... to hear the stories that accompanied each picture. How could her daughter know that today was an anniversary? A day hated by her mother. She was too young to understand the kind of grief that was born of a love that was never spoken of... a love that died before it had a chance to live. She didn't feel the trembling of her body as she stared at his face, but Kristina did.
"Mom, why does this picture always makes you shake?"
Hearing the fear in her daughter's voice chased her anguish back into its hiding place as she looked down to find Kristina peering up at her. Raising her arm she reached around her daughter and pulled her closer.
"I'm just a little chilled right now, Kristina."
She saw the frown on her daughter's face and knew that once more her daughter knew her words were not quite true.
"If I have to be honest all the time, then you do too, mom."
Such an intelligent child... so very intuitive. How do you explain to a child that there once lived a man who saved your life, saved your daughter's... who put his life in jeopardy for you... and refused to stop believing in you? How do you explain a love that hid so deep inside that the merest hint of recognizing it could send you reeling and running to keep it from taking hold and growing? How do you explain that life had dealt a woman so many blows that love became just another obstacle to overcome... until it was no longer a possibility as death once more tore her heart from her breast? She looked down at the photo once more and watched as a tear fell and landed on the apple of his cheek then slowly rolled down his face perfectly mirroring the next tear that released itself from her grief.
"Mom?"
"It's alright, Kristina. I'm fine. I just miss him, that's all."
"I know. I'll turn the page so you don't have to see him anymore."
With that said Kristina lifted the next page and just as it was about to complete it's turn a trembling hand reached out and stopped it.
"Just one more look, my love. Just one more look."
And a child's heart broke for the sadness in a mother's heart.
February 11, 2009
Alexis sat at the dining table with her daughter, Kristina enduring an early dinner. The morning had been exhausting for both of them. The first day of school for the average child was traumatic enough, but for Kristina Davis; it was a lesson in patience more so than anything. Nothing was more irritating to her than having to deal with grown ups who treated her like a four-year old in a six-year old body. As Alexis sat next to her she glanced over and decided it was time to address the situation.
"So how mad at me are you, Kristina?"
"I'm not mad at you, mom."
"Yes, you are and how many times have I told you that telling me something other than the truth will only lead to more problems. I understand, Kristina. I did it again today and I'm sorry. I didn't consider your feelings before I acted and all I can do is apologize and promise to try and not do it again."
Kristina sat back and crossed her arms in irritation then glared up at her mother.
"Do you know how it makes me feel for you to always be babying me when I don't need it anymore? I didn't want you to take me into my class and introduce me to my teacher like I couldn't talk for myself or something. Changing from private school to public is not that big a deal. I could have introduced myself if that's what everyone else was doing. How many other moms did you see in that room? Now my teacher is going to treat me different from everybody else because you're the new DA and that's supposed to mean something big. How am I supposed to make any friends if they all think I'm a baby and need my 'mommy' to baby-sit me everywhere I go? It's not fair, mom. I don't do that to you, so why do you have to make me suffer through it?"
It was practically impossible to hide the grin that threatened to spread across her face and further irritate her daughter. From the moment Kristina began to walk there was no stopping her. She quickly decided that she was an important part of this new world that she was born into and nothing was going to stop her from getting the most out of it. If a challenge lay before her, she worked until it was resolved. Alexis remembered vividly the day Kristina decided she no longer wanted the mobile hanging over her crib any longer. So before she even learned to crawl, Kristina learned how to pull herself up using the railing of her crib and then proceeded to reach out and yank the hated mobile down. Evidently it wasn't enough for 'mommy' to promise never to turn it on again and have a synthesized box of fake music pelting her ears every night, the whole mobile had to go. All Kristina needed to send her to sleep was the sound of her mother's heartbeat as she softly hummed her favorite lullaby. That sound carried her through the night and it was the first sound she heard in the morning when 'mommy' snuck in just before dawn to steal her from her bed only to return to her own for an hour or two of cuddling before the day had a chance to intrude upon them.
"Kristina, you know I love you and I just wanted to make sure everything went alright for you on your first day at a new school."
Alexis quickly covered a grin with her hand. It would no longer stay hid when she witnessed the most adorable trait her daughter picked up from her. Kristina rolled her eyes heavenward.
"Did you need a 'mommy' to take you to work today, mom?"
Kristina immediately saw the darkness that entered her mother's eyes as her smile faded from sight. She knew without asking what caused her mom to become sad.
"I'm sorry, mom. I didn't think."
"It's okay, baby. You know me, some things just don't stay where I put them sometimes."
Kristina ducked her head and reached out slowly for her mother's hand.
"I wish she was here and could go to work with you any day you wanted her to."
Alexis squeezed her daughter's hand gently then reached for her and pulled her onto her lap. It wasn't often that Kristina allowed her this special comfort anymore, so for her not to fight this time told Alexis that her daughter needed her touch just as much as she needed Kristina's.
"So do I, sweetheart. So do I. But, it's just you and me and that's enough now. Your grandmother is watching over us just like my sister is. And someday maybe when we both grow up some more, it won't hurt mommy as much."
Kristina leaned her head down and rested it on Alexis' shoulder before whispering.
"It's been a long time, but can we do it again right now? Can we, mom? Would it make you too sad?"
Alexis wrapped both arms around her daughter and stood up pushing her chair back so she wouldn't stumble over it. The tears that threatened to spill were causing the room to blur. She leaned her head down and lay it against her daughters.
"No, honey. It won't make me too sad. You go get the book and I'll get the rest set up."
Kristina pushed against her mother gently until she was once again standing on her own then reached out pulling the hand that still clung to her own down so that she was able to gaze into her mother's eyes.
"Thanks, mom." Before she flew off to retrieve the book she quickly kissed her mothers cheek.
And the tears flowed freely down Alexis' cheeks. It was moments like this that she cherished above all others. When love was safe and kind. When it could not be questioned or maligned. When just looking into her daughter's eyes could heal her deepest grief.
Five years. Five years and it still hurt just as much today as it did the moment she heard the news. He had gone back for her... he couldn't save his son... and he refused to leave her behind if there was the slightest chance she was still there. His life was the price he paid for caring about her. But wasn't that the way it always was. How many people paid the price for loving her... being a friend to her... being associated with her or her family? And would her daughter have to pay the ultimate price one day?
Alexis walked over to her desk and pulled from the bottom drawer a small case. Opening it gently she pulled from it an old worn cassette. Holding it tenderly she retrieved the special candles that were always used for this adored ritual. Placing the cassette into the player she picked up the remote. Hearing Kristina return from her bedroom, Alexis waited until she was seated on the sofa then leaned over and lit the two candles that she placed on the coffee table. Just before she sat down beside Kristina she pushed the 'play' button on the cassette deck. An age-old aria began to fill the room with its sweetness and Alexis' heart once more began its tug- of-war. Such beautiful grace and elegance in so delicate a voice... to cry for the loss or find joy in the treasure... a battle never won and never lost. Her thoughts were broken as she felt Kristina lean toward her and place the book between them. Half of the book on her lap and half on her own. And there on the first page... a photo that had taken years to find. Her mother.
A small gentle whisper reached her ears. "That's my grandmother."
"Yes, my love. That's your grandmother. My mother. Isn't she beautiful?"
Another whisper. "Almost as beautiful as you are."
She leaned over and placed a kiss on top of her daughter's head. "Thank you, sweetheart."
The page was slowly turned and Alexis' heart felt the grief all over again' the loss still so raw... still able to bring her to her knees. Another quiet whisper...
"That's my Aunt Kristina. I was named after her."
With a choked voice... "Yes, sweetheart. She loved you before you were born and I promised her I would give you her name."
Kristina reached and lay her small hand on top of her mother's. "It's okay mom... you can cry. When I'm sad it makes me feel better if I cry."
It was always like this. From the first moment Kristina became inquisitive about the photos that lined the fireplace mantle. Somehow she instinctively knew that the photos held some kind of power over her mother. She would reach high and point toward the photo of the beautiful red- haired wonder that was revealed to be her Aunt; screaming until the photo was finally placed into her little hands; her mother's cherished sister. Winnie-the-pooh and Tigger lost their appeal as another curiosity took over. It didn't surprise Alexis that Kristina would become fixated on the photo. Her sister always affected people that way.
"I'm alright, sweetheart. Just having you here with me helps me not miss her so much. Do you know that you are a lot like your aunt? She was always going out and trying to do things on her own, just like you do. She smiled all the time and absolutely refused to let anyone be sad around her."
"I don't like people to be sad either."
"I know you don't. And sometimes that gets you into trouble, doesn't it?"
"I can't help it mom. If I see someone is sad I just think you ought to try and say something to them and make them feel better."
"Not if they are strangers, Kristina. Promise me you won't talk to strangers anymore."
The first time Kristina walked up to a stranger in the park Alexis panicked and scared Kristina by screaming her fear and pulling her quickly away. It took a few hours of cuddling and talking quietly to her before Kristina could calm down following the incident.
She quickly steeled herself as she vaguely heard another page turn. The one page she didn't want to see on this particular day. But, how could her child know the pain it would cause? How could she know that of all the losses in her life... it was this one that at this time in her life hurt the most? So much left unsaid between them... so much that needed to be said. Then... in the blink of an eye... he was gone. Lost to her. Leaving her alone... again. She didn't get the chance to say good-bye... never saw those beautiful eyes one last time. Eyes that could look so deep into her soul that in one moment cause her to run in fear and in the next want to wrap him around herself so she'd never be lost again.
"It's Cameron, mom."
"Yes sweetheart. It is." She couldn't say his name. It hurt too much. She silently begged her daughter to turn the page... to hide those beautiful eyes from her sight. "Not today, Kristina.' She silently pleaded. 'Please turn the page, my angel.' She wouldn't ask her daughter to go any faster through the beloved book... she knew how much it meant to her daughter to see the faces that meant so much to her mother... to hear the stories that accompanied each picture. How could her daughter know that today was an anniversary? A day hated by her mother. She was too young to understand the kind of grief that was born of a love that was never spoken of... a love that died before it had a chance to live. She didn't feel the trembling of her body as she stared at his face, but Kristina did.
"Mom, why does this picture always makes you shake?"
Hearing the fear in her daughter's voice chased her anguish back into its hiding place as she looked down to find Kristina peering up at her. Raising her arm she reached around her daughter and pulled her closer.
"I'm just a little chilled right now, Kristina."
She saw the frown on her daughter's face and knew that once more her daughter knew her words were not quite true.
"If I have to be honest all the time, then you do too, mom."
Such an intelligent child... so very intuitive. How do you explain to a child that there once lived a man who saved your life, saved your daughter's... who put his life in jeopardy for you... and refused to stop believing in you? How do you explain a love that hid so deep inside that the merest hint of recognizing it could send you reeling and running to keep it from taking hold and growing? How do you explain that life had dealt a woman so many blows that love became just another obstacle to overcome... until it was no longer a possibility as death once more tore her heart from her breast? She looked down at the photo once more and watched as a tear fell and landed on the apple of his cheek then slowly rolled down his face perfectly mirroring the next tear that released itself from her grief.
"Mom?"
"It's alright, Kristina. I'm fine. I just miss him, that's all."
"I know. I'll turn the page so you don't have to see him anymore."
With that said Kristina lifted the next page and just as it was about to complete it's turn a trembling hand reached out and stopped it.
"Just one more look, my love. Just one more look."
And a child's heart broke for the sadness in a mother's heart.