AN: Okay, I might be back from the magical land of AO3 for a bit.
Hi, my mom's friends who who bragged about her kid writing a fic to them. This is just a oneshot I write in like 20 minutes.
My roommates were...colorful, to say the least.
Wait, where am I going, you don't even know who I am.
My name is Isabella Swan, and I live with a bunch of idiots.
The first idiot is Edward Cullen. 100 year old vampire with an affinity for the 1990s because apparently, he was able to blend in with all the pasty goth kids, and never let go. He still that a godforsaken Polaroid camera. The only warning you get for Edward coming your way is the light of the flash just out of your vision, coupled with the sound of the front of the camera spitting out a photo, and finally, Edward shaking the photo at top vampire speed before retreating back into his lair of darkness (AKA, his room.)
Edward also, for lack of a better term, looks like an Espurr. You know, the Pokemon with the huge eyes that looks like a psychotic horror movie serial killer crossed with a ferret? Yeah. He always has his eyes open all the way, with a vacant stare like someone just explained the ending of Bioshock Infinite to him. Bonus points; he never turns his eyes, just his entire head. It's terrifying.
The other idiot roommate is Edward's adoptive pseudo-brother-cousin-thing, Emmett.
Emmett, also a vampire, is significantly less pretentious than Edward, but can still be a pain in the ass. ESPECIALLY during football season. (Don't ask about the Super Bowl Incident under any situation.)
If Emmett didn't live in the apartment, we'd probably not have TV access in the first place. Edward just stays in his room, only coming out to harass people with his damn Hipster Camera, or to go to the park and kill squirrels to eat, and does god knows what all day in there. All I know is that is has something to do with classical music.
I'm the only one that really uses the gaming consoles, and the TV programs are pretty much all Emmett's stuff, except for the rare show that strikes my fancy.
Oh, I didn't tell you about the squirrel thing.
Seeing as we're in a large city, and all the animals that would be considered edible are either strays in shelters, or the vermin that inhabits parks, Edward and Emmett have decided to feast on the latter to spare the human and dog population. They go to the park, usually around dusk, and drink the blood out of a bunch of squirrels, pretty straightforward, but the fuckers had it coming, they plant unwanted trees everywhere that hinder more than help. The city council is still trying to find out what's happening to all the squirrels.
But how did I even end up rooming with them? Well, that's a different story for a different time.