A single grain of rice can tip the scale. A heart can be broken by a few words left unspoken, the tongue is a two-edged sword; capable of healing just as easy as it is capable of destroying.
Why do we hurt each other? Or more importantly- why do we hurt the people who mean the most to us? We turn into monsters and suck the life out of those we can't live without.
Not for vengeance, not to cause pain, but to feel human. Because we are so much more than flesh and bones, and although each of us bleeds the same blood; nobody can feel or understand someone else's pain unless we have lived through it ourselves and even then; nobody's struggle is the same. We are made of so much more than the physical or biological- we have hearts and souls and feelings that consume and cannot be controlled.
For a man who had already lost everything - A man who had no spouse, no child, no place to call home, nor a reason to fight or a reason to live; it made it that much easier to play with fire because even if he was burned, even if he didn't rise from the ashes - He had nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
In order to survive he had to embrace the darkness - people think him a monster; yet he sees himself a survivor. It would surprise the people who knew him by reputation, who associated him with his alter-ego, the facade the world had grown to use to represent him that he once was a noble, simple man, with so much to gain and everything to lose. How cruel is the world he lives in now but how unforgiving was the world he called home so many years ago.
In any instance that a person is put through turmoil and devastation, when someone is teetering off the cliff and fighting to stay alive with every fiber of their being, something is triggered from within. In matters of life and death, of breathing or suffocating, of living or dying; you must make a decision. Either your want to survive outweighs your want to succumb or your weakness causes you to break. It's a matter of mind and body, whatever you convince your mind to do, it can in turn convince your body to think the same way. Your mind is the strongest weapon a person possesses - it's called fight or flight; the survivor will act into action while the loser will result in defeat.
He makes no apologies for what he has done or who he was forced to become, he had no other choice, no other option - he simply did what he had to do to stay alive and to adapt to his environment. He vowed to himself that he wouldn't stop until the truth was exposed to the world, that he would keep searching, keep fighting and keep looking for the evidence that would clear not only his name but give him the answers he so desperately needed.
He was reckless, cocky and overly confident and none of those things seemed to matter - he had already been thrown into the flames of hell and his soul had already been sold to the devil - he had no loyalty to anyone but himself; even that loyalty was questionable because he hated the man he had become. How could anyone find any redeeming factor in him if he couldn't see one in himself? How could anyone ever love him if he loathed his very being?
Then she came along - or rather - he came along and entered her world.
His plans never included the FBI or The Blacklist, they were second and third options he never imagined he would need to use. And she was never an option - she was suppose to be a gateway; a ray of hope for him to find what would set his chains free and dig him from the underground hole he had resided in for the past twenty-years.
But plans never do turnout how you imagined when you are confronted with situations you never found the need to prepare for and for the first time in his life Raymond Reddington was not prepared.
This was all suppose to be so simple, it was suppose to be cold, cut and dry - it was never suppose to get this messy.
He had always had a soft spot for her - since their first meeting twenty-six years ago - he had grown to admire her, develop an affection for her - even care for her. He had watched over her like a guardian angel, kept track of her whereabouts and always made sure she was safe and out of harms way. He had financed her education and made sure she never had to worry about money or resources. She became his obsession - the object of his affect - the only person in this world who could give him that second chance he so desired and chased after through the years.
She was so young, small, angelic when he had found her hidden deep in the closet. Her cries echoed from inside the house and pulled at his heartstrings - it was instinct, compassion, a longing for his own daughter that waited for her father to return home that made him turn around against better judgment and save that little girl while unknowingly setting his destruction into motion.
Has he regretted it?
If he could go back, would he change it?
After all that he has lost and all that he could of gained by ignoring those torturous screams of a young girl trapped inside a burning house - he can't bring himself to want to change a minuscule of a second for the fear of it hindering the moment their paths would cross.
Because Raymond Reddington cannot imagine a world where Elizabeth Keen doesn't cross his path - and that alone is enough to scare him half to death. Yes, he wishes things could be different, he wishes he could of tucked his daughter in every night, watched her grow up and teach her about boys and there intentions and love her - be there for her as a father should be for his daughter. He wishes he could've read her bedtime stories and comforted her when she woke from nightmares. He wanted to be there when she was asked out on a date for the first time or teach her how to drive or to tell her that she was everything to him. But that wasn't possible and saving Elizabeth Keen that night set a whole turn of events into motion and even then- even wondering - his mind reeling with what could of been, what he could of done differently; he still wouldn't turn his back and ignore her pleas - he would save her a hundred times over if he could.
In all that he had lost, all that he longed to have once again and all the sacrifices he made- nothing was more painful then to have to look her in the eye and tell her the truth.
Nothing he could do or say would sweeten the blow and his heart clenched as his stomach curled at the very moment when those words would leave his lips and the truth would linger in the distance between them. He didn't want to see the pain in her eyes, he couldn't imagine watching the tears roll down her cheek, he didn't want to watch her shoulders shake and hear the sobs that would ensue - so he prolonged this moment for as long as he could. He wasn't ready to face her because he was afraid that this time he would lose her.
Now the opportunity allotted to him had become scarce, he was at the brink of no return and he desperately was trying to stretch what little he had left to no avail.
Dembe reminded him that the time had come. He had no other choice. Just don't think about it and do it, he had said. Easier said then done when you had everything to lose. He didn't want to lose her - he had just found her. She was his salvation and she would never be convinced of it when she found out the truth. She would be devastated and think him the monster that she thought he was when they first had met - he lost her once and couldn't imagine losing her again.
For the first time, in a long time, he was afraid. Afraid to speak, afraid to face her, afraid that she- like everything else that was important to him would eventually slip through his fingers and he would lose her too. He had lost so much already; had been dealt with enough pain and had felt enough heartache to last many lifetimes over.
She had taught him to feel again, she showed him what it meant to care for someone again. He was a sad, miserable being - yet a smile from her had the power to brighten up his gloomiest day and he wasn't ready to lose what little light illuminated within the hollows of his darkened soul. He had grown to expect so little in life, that the smallest most insignificant things brought him some superficial happiness, until he met her and then her mere presence alone had the power to invoke so much emotion and longing from the depths of his soul and make him feel a sense joy that was such a foreign emotion that he struggled to identify it.
It's funny to think about how situations can arise and how they can change. He stepped out of that box when Anslo Garrick held a gun to her head because if she was dead - then he was as good as dead as she was. She held all the cards but she didn't know that the deck was hers or that his livelihood depended on her being alive as well because she was the means to the truth. He came out that box because he had no other choice - if Anslo killed her - he killed him by default, if there was no lizzie then his only source of attaining the fulcrum was obsolete. So he had to take the chance - better him than her anyways. At least if he saved her head and escaped whatever Anslo had in plan for him - there would still be hope to finding the answers he so desperately was seeking and gaining the protection and power that came with having the fulcrum in his possession. If he had merely just let her die - then he might as well have asked Garrick to do him a favor and take him out of his misery before others came after him.
That was then - a much simpler time. When the means justified the end, when everything was clearly laid out and executed like a well oiled machine.
And this, this was now - when everything crumbled to his feet, when things got messy and out of hand. When he started to protect and care for the person instead of the possession - when he started to feel her pain and revel in her joy.
She was afraid to lose him - afraid to give him the fulcrum because she thought it meant that he would leave - was that the plan all along? Before feelings and emotions made everything that much more complicated? Did he think that he possessed the power and will to turn his back on her right after he gained what he was looking for? No, it was not his intention to completely dismiss her - he had grown to love her even before he met her as an adult but he never thought to prepare for the occasion that he would one day fall in love with her.
He said her name. He had a gun pointed to the back of his head and her name was the last word on his lips. He thought he was dying and out of everyone or anything he could of said with his last dying breath - she's the one who took precedent - his subconscious wanted her to be the last person on his mind, in his heart and on his lips. That's how things had changed - she went from being an intricate vessel for finding the fulcrum to the most important person in his life - A person he bestowed his last dying breath to, a little girl he once saved from a fire who grew up to be this beautiful, smart and funny woman who would steal his heart and mend his pain.
She had the power to destroy him and he had given it to her freely, not by choice - he had told her that love makes you powerless but she had no idea that he was referring to how he felt about her. She could break him, and he would let her because he was powerless to stop her.
Life and Death
Fight or Flight
Sink or Swim
Why is it that in these situations our true colors shine through? Why is it that when your looking death in the eye; suddenly everything becomes clear? The clouds part and with them the reservations and apprehensions melt away and suddenly we become stronger at our most vulnerable moments?
We become brave, we let ourselves be truthful, we let go of our fears and take leaps of faith. When we look death in the eyes; we can truly be honest- with ourselves and with the people around us.
A dying declaration; a final few sentences- the last words spoken. Those are the most grave, most important and meaningful seconds of your life and what you choose to say when you're looking at an imminent end says so much about the person you are and the life you lived.
Or the people you lived for; the person who meant the most to you.
He was as close to death without actually dying than anyone could ever be; a split second could've been the difference of him living or her having to bury him six feet under. It was such a close call and it scared the hell out of her. She was so close to losing him and the thought of it was unbearable, she couldn't live in a world where he didn't exist. How long could he keep putting himself in these situations before a close call turned into doom? Her heart could only take so much.
And then when things couldn't get any messier, when her heart couldn't possibly take anymore or when her mind was reeling with the cluster of thoughts and feelings that she didn't know how to interpret- things just got messier.
He said her name
"Lizzie."
He intended it to be the last word on his breath. She didn't know if her shoulders could carry the weight of that burden.
That's what he intended to be his last thought. He had accepted that he was leaving this world; he could of uttered any famous last words but he chose her- just like he had done in the past and will continue to do in the future. Her name was on his breath, it was intended to be his last waking, living thought, the revelation that he wanted his last thoughts, his last breath, his last word, to center around her turned her legs into jelly.
Her name on his dying breath; he would never know or understand the significance of it all.
Not his wife, not even his daughter, but her.
'Lizzie." He said it like a prayer, or more like a proclamation. He was proclaiming his love for her and he didn't even know that she heard. She stood behind him, behind the door with her gun aiming at the man who was about to take his life away.
In that room- while looking death straight in the eye- he said her name.
No witnesses, no grand gestures, no manipulation, no ulterior motives and no fulcrum into play. Just him on his knees, the gun pointed at the back of his head, the trigger being pulled and his last waking, breathing thought- his last breath and he wasted it on her, selflessly.
Nothing to gain, everything to lose.
She still hadn't told him, he hadn't asked and she was scared to death at the predicament that would put them in if she revealed what she heard. They were a tanged mess of unspoken words, averted gazes, almost touches and deep yearning feelings that skimmed the surface but never tipped over the glass. They both lived in denial and trepidation and everything was swept under the rug, until there was just no more room to hold the mess.
The city lights lit up a mostly gloomy day, the sound of slush and drops of rain bouncing off the car made the awkward silence a little less deafening and a little more relaxing. The snow was finally melting and the smell of spring lingered in the air except for inside of the Mercedes where she is made acutely aware of the fact that he sits so close to her and the mixture of his aftershave and cologne envelopes her senses - it's intoxicating and makes her crave his touch; the brush of his hand or the kisses he bestows in her hair. It's not a foreign feeling anymore because it's not one she tries to hide in the back of her mind or one she tries to psychoanalyze; it is what it is and she has no fight left in her to deny her growing fondness of the man she once stated was a monster.
She didn't know when it happened exactly - when curiosity and obligation turned into... Something more... Something she didn't even know what to call. Yes, she told him she cared about him - but that was such an over-simplification of her actions and feelings. Had it been anyone else would she have gone back? Would she have risked her life knowing the chances were much more against her than for her? She shook her head as if to wave off the direction her mind was heading in.
"What's wrong, Lizzie?" She let out a long sigh while looking out the window. Her legs were shaky and she used her hands to steady them but refused to turn her head to face him, he would see right through her sugar-coated words and she didn't want to embarrass herself or make the car ride any more uneasy. "Nothings wrong, just thinking is all." Her reply was just above a whisper and seemed to disappear in the air before her statement was finished.
He studied her profile and bit the inside of his cheek - Lizzie could be so stubborn and standoffish when she felt uncomfortable. He wanted nothing more than to reach over and clasp his hand with hers on her lap and it took all his restraint to refrain from doing so. They were both better off if they pretended to be ignorant or ignore the growing need to be close to each other - to offer comfort in times of need. So he sat next to her and watch her intently; trying to read her mind but it seemed millions of miles away.
He should tell her right now - Don't think about it and just do it. Rip the band-aid off quickly to minimize the pain. His eye twitched while his jaw clenched, the words at the tip of his tongue and yet they refuse to leave his mouth. They don't escape his lip because he's not ready to see the pain in her eyes, he's not ready for her to hate him. He already hates himself so much.
"Facing away from me is not going to make it easier for you to lie, Lizzie, I still can tell your keeping something from me." He adjusted the lapels on his winter coat and turned his body to face in her direction. "What's on you mind?" He asked with a tilt to his head while trying to meet her gaze.
She lets out a huff and continues to pretend she is enthralled by the scenery outside when in actuality her mind is reeling with actions and emotions she does not know how to comprehend.
Her eyes begin to sting and her nostrils flare uncomfortably while trying to keep her emotions at bay- she bites her bottom lip when she notices its quivering.
"I'm sorry..." She lets out into the air so quietly that she doesn't even know if she actually said the two words out loud.
She can see his eye-brows furrow not in confusion but apprehension, she can also see him work his jaw before beginning to speak.
He doesn't want to let on just how hurt he could allow himself to feel if he didn't barricade and numb all feelings and emotions.
He doesn't want her to know that he is human and yes - she has the power to hurt him- and she did because she betrayed him.
She betrayed him for her husband. A man who has lied and manipulated her. A man he hired as a watchdog who double-crossed him and entered her life in order to manipulate her, make her fall in love with him, gain her trust, and marry her. A man who would of killed her in a heartbeat in order to save his own ass - yet; she chose him.
He doesn't let that sink in because if he allows himself to think about her actions he most likely would drive himself crazy.
He would burn the world down to keep her safe. She would betray him for the spy who fell in love with her.
"I always stand by my actions, Lizzie." He started off, his voice as smooth as silk but thick with emotion. "One of the many lessons that a life of crime and punishment teaches you is that being true to your word and actions go hand in hand- Believe me when I tell you that you have nothing to be sorry about." He pauses a millisecond to lick his lips and she wants to use that opportunity to butt in but he beats her to it. "You found something redeeming in your ex-husband whether you want to admit it or not, but considering your actions you are fully aware of the fact that your still in love with him. You cannot go on living your life thinking that the past three years were all a lie- a fabrication, so you turn this horrible lie and existence into a hopelessly romanticized story about a spy falling in love with his target in order to make sense of the chaos and confusion and to accept the tragedy of the situation."
She's a mess now - she can feel the blood running up and down her veins and feel her intestines knot so tightly that they leave her immobile.
"I'm just a monster in your eyes - theres no saving me, I'm a lost cause, I'm that "high functioning sociopath" that entered your life and turned it upside down. In your eyes - I cannot be reformed or rehabilitated - You don't see me as a man who would do monstrous things to keep the people who I care about safe but you were able to look at Tom - gaze into his eyes and find that small piece of hope that told you that everything he said or did, it couldn't all be a lie - that somewhere in between him being hired to manipulate you and holding a gun to your head ready to shoot; that he fell in love with you."
"How romantic! A storyline straight out of a Nora Roberts novel."
His voice was so nonchalant and indifferent but his tone was filled with a coldness that creeped up her spine and sent a chill down her whole body - the heat in the car doing nothing to warm the coldness in the air that laced the space mind reeled at who she quoted that phrase to and how it entered Red's ears.
"What you are feeling right now is guilt - and thats another base emotion that I do not let myself dwell on and neither should you, own up to your actions and never apologize for doing exactly what you wanted to do. This wound will heal," He points to the gunshot wound and she feels like she can't breathe, all the oxygen drained out of her lungs and all she wants to do is scream as loud as she can but she remains silent because she's ashamed and he's alive but he could very well be dead and its all her fault and she doesn't know how to make it up to him or even if he cares anymore. He's lost that little speckle of light in his eyes that was always there when he would look her way- all she sees is darkness and it scares the hell out of her because she feels like his allegiance has shifted- that she's no longer his top priority- like somehow he lost faith in her because somewhere deep inside of himself he thought she would choose him and she didn't until it was too late. Until he was on the floor bleeding to death and the very sight made her want to die herself and something snapped inside her but it was too late by that point because the damage was already done.
Her mouth is dry and she can't formulate any words to contradict what he is saying all she can do is sit there with shame written all over her face trying as hard as she can not to let any tears roll down because she wants to be brave for him and for her.
She watches the car pull up to his current safe house and it suddenly stops. She's perplexed but a small glimmer of hope settles in her heart - maybe he wants her to come in and talk and smooth things over. Maybe she didn't hurt him- she doesn't want to look at him but she's constantly studying him out of the corner of her eyes.
The way his lips move, the way he tilts his head, the way he intwines his hands on his lap.
The twitching of his eye. The biting of his cheek. The rolling of his tongue.
When had she learned all his little quirks and mannerisms? Why did she care to study him so much? Like he was a test that she needed to prepare herself for.
"I have some business to attend to quite urgently so Dembe had to drop me off first, he will see you off to the place you call home." He reaches for his fedora and glides it on his head.
She hears him let out a long sigh and when he swallows she can see his Adam's apple protrude outward.
"I wear guilt like shackles on my hands and feet - like a halo in reverse, a reminder of my obligations, my transgressions and my liability. I have learned not to think about it anymore - Just accept that its there and live with it, you will eventually learn to live with it too. And since I cannot possibly make you think any less of me, I think its time I told you that I originally contracted Tom in 2009 from the major to watch over you under Sam's fear and trepidation of you going away to college and him not being there to protect you. Berlin found out about you and used my weakness against me by paying double and having Tom double cross me and integrating him into your life. He went from being a man who was hired by me and Sam to watch you from a distance and ensure your safety to a man who went against our agreement and became a double agent when Berlin offered him more money to exploit my feelings for you."
She gasped and her breath hitched when a sob escaped.
"You hired Tom." She says more of a statement then a question with an unbelieving tone laced through. The tears now roll freely while her body becomes numb and slowly she begins to drift away... like she was the one dying of the realization. He promised he would never hurt her yet he was responsible for the years she lost out on.
The lies and manipulation. The marriage and kids. All were lies. None would of been reality if Red had never hired Tom.
She finally turns to face him and she cannot hide her emotions anymore.
Anger and resentment, laced with hatred so strong that if looks could kill she would slash his body into a thousand pieces with her eyes alone.
"You did this to me?" She's shaking and her words come out in small little bursts.
"You see Elizabeth, this is what I have been trying to disclose to you. Your eyes are blinded by lust and passion, they only see what they want to see and your ears only hear what you want them to hear. In either case, I'm still the monster, I'm an animal, a beast who took away everything you had, who brought you down to his level, yet your dear old husband- your eyes refuse to see him for what he is. My intentions were noble - I was following orders from your father, our deal was for him to be a watchdog and to make sure you were safe and sound. Tom knew the rules, knew what he was hired for, but he double crossed me when he was offered more money, you were a job to him, a paycheck, a mission. I hired him by recommendation, never met him before nor saw his face but as soon as I realized he double-crossed me - I made myself known to you- Not because I wanted to enter your life and wreak havoc on it but to fix a mistake I made and stop you from making one by having a baby with him.
He motions a hand between them, "We were never suppose to meet, I was always suppose to be lurking in the shadows and ensuring your safety, but as soon as I got wind that Tom bought five new passports from a mutual dealer, I realized something was off and I made myself known."
He's lost the will to fight her now- his voice defeated and his body slouched like he's lost hope in them too.
He opens the door of the car and makes his way out. He steps into rain and see watches the droplets stain his wool coat as he stands and looks at her like its the last time he will ever see her again. Once he takes his fill of her, he bends over and tilts his head inside the car, both hands grasp sides of the car.
"I've made my peace with being the one to blame for all of this, I get it. You don't owe me anything, I will always be the worst thing that has ever happened to you and you will go on resenting me because you cannot find it in your heart to look at me as a man who is willing to die for you in order to ensure your safety - yet you can look at your ex-husband as a man who is worthily of forgiveness and you will go on to think of him as a man who can be apprehended while I'm the lost cause, and maybe I'am but I made a promise to Sam that I intend to keep and although somewhere along the lines my obligations turned into something more... I now know where you stand and therefore now I know where I stand as well."
And with a nod in her direction, the door slams closed and he doesn't wait to see her off, he turns and makes his way inside the house before the car even starts moving and that action alone is enough to break her.
She keeps her composure for the sake of Dembe being in the drivers seat, she saw the look he gave her throughout this whole ordeal- it was disappointment laced with something she couldn't name - like he lost faith in her as well.
Once she's alone in her dingy hotel room - she allows herself to break because she doesn't even know who she is and she desperately wants a new beginning because her life has been a lie and she wants to not need him, not pine for him, but she can't help herself - she cannot shut her heart off from what it wants to feel - And it feels a wide range of emotions for Raymond Reddington that she is just not ready to face.
She's scared.
Terrified.
If he's using her like Tom did then that realization would become the death of her.
The first couple days were a haze of shock to the system, hours dragged and the mind struggled to cope with the loss of freedom and that of a life left behind and the rise of a new beginning set forth as a wanted woman and man on the run.
Number 5 on the Most Wanted List
She was a carrier of the virus, she infected the senator, she killed Tom Connolly.
She was a wanted women.
She was on the run with Raymond Reddington, he still had her beat at #4.
It took weeks to finally come to terms with their fate, sometimes she felt like she was stronger than him. There were moments where he would drown himself in sorrow and self-loathing, times when he looked out into the distance at absolutely nothing, and times when he would look straight into her eyes and she swore she saw nothing reflected back at her - in these moments he became a ghost, a soulless being, no flicker of life or humanity left in his eyes - not even when they stared at her.
She had never seen him this detached, this uncertain, and this pensive. He used to chase her, and now she constantly chases him. She wants to clasp her hand and intwine it within his, she wants to feel his fingertips brush her locks back and place kisses into her hair , she wants him to utter sweet nothings into her ear about how they're going to be okay- She wants to hold him and be comforted by his embrace but most of all she wants him to know she cares. She wants him to feel her gratitude, she wants to tell him she chooses him- that she will always choose him but most off all she wants to tell him she's sorry, but that admission seems so futile, so she sets out to show him instead.
They arrived in Johannesburg just as the sun was setting on the horizon, the safe house sat just outside the city limits, in a wealthy suburban area known as Hyde Park. The safe house was luxurious to say the least, it looked like a modern day palace, a perfect mix of vintage class with a modern feel.
Red had kept quiet and reserved, didn't initiate any contact and little conversation but he didn't shy away from her affections or refuse to humor her small-talk. He had become a master of doing this for the first month and it was driving her crazy, it made her feel like he had lost himself in her demise and in losing himself- she was losing him.
She tormented him in his dreams and tortured him in his wake. She felt like she failed him in a sense but she more or less felt like he failed the both of them. She had called him a monster once- before she knew the saint that lived within his soul. She had asked him if he had ever had a selfless moment in his entire life before becoming aware of the fact that he was her sin-eater. She had stated that he simply wasn't capable of caring for someone only to find out that all his acts that she deemed selfish or self-serving were in fact all carried out to protect her from a devastating truth - To keep her from feeling pain and sorrow.
If she only knew his intentions sooner, she would of run into his arms instead of running away from him and into another mans arms.
She asked Tom to take her away, practically begged him to let her disappear with him. She let herself be taken by him, she gave into those feelings he conjured up in her, and why? Because she wanted another man to hurt.
She told him she didn't want any regrets.
She would regret not leaving with him.
She would regret not sleeping with him.
Now, she regrets all those things and so much more because she knows Red has eyes on her all the time and she knows that he's aware that she almost left with Tom and something in the pit of her stomach says he also knows she gave her body to him again- after all that had happened and all that was to happen, in a moment of weakness and shame- she let him touch her again.
Regret - Its a horrible disease, it eats you up little by little until it swallows you whole and you're left to wallow in your own self-pity.
He kept busy with business and was always laying out plans and strategies until he was blue in the face. He resigned to his room and she would always hear the soft sounds of jazz bounce against the walls and sometimes she wished she was there with him, lying in bed, reading a book, with her head nestled on his chest and his scent lingering on her nostrils and her body content because it felt like home. Because in his arms is where she felt safe.
He's sipping on three fingers of scotch while he sits at the desk in one of the three offices the safe house offers, she knows that in a matter of minutes he will pack up the documents and head upstairs but she's feeling needy tonight, she wants to be in his presence a little longer, she wants him to recite her a long-winded story or inform her about the next steps they would take or just sit across from his desk and watch him work but she knows that would be a little creepy and he would become withdrawn to her again.
These days the ore she wants to get closer to him, the more he keeps her at arms length. She used to be the mouse and he used to be the cat but now the roles have revered and she treads lightly even though her body screams to put gas to the peddle and move full force.
She walks into the study and leans against the door.
"Hey, I'm not feeling very tired yet, I was wondering if you wanted to sit down with me and watch a movie." She says with full confidence while waving a DVD in the air. "I just put some popcorn into the microwave and I have a generous supply of milk duds and junior mints for you to feast on." She wiggles her eye-brows and has a playful smile plastered on her face but when he doesn't answer her quickly she begins to falter at his gaze. She balances her weight from one foot to the other and nervously bites her bottom lip while waiting for him to answer. "Don't worry, I left out the raisinetes."
He eyes her with something akin to admiration and awe.
She knows his weaknesses, she's learning what he likes, what he favors and what he is repulsed by. She takes the time to study him- his habits, his hobbies, his interests - In the short time they have been in South Africa, she has learned how to cater to him and she does it willingly.
He feels unworthy, like a failure. So he tries to push her away every chance he gets but his heart flutters at the sparkle and hope in her eyes when she asks him to sit down and watch a movie with her and then it pummels down to the pit of his stomach when she sees his hesitation.
He wants to say "No", even opens his mouth but the word won't come out so he slouches in his chair before extracting his elbows from the cherry wood and rises to his feet before making his way across the room and snatching the movie from her hand.
He eyes the cover with a curious look and a pout to his lips that makes him look so adorable in her eyes. And she craves his touch yet again. She craves the need to walk into his ams. She craves a closeness to him and the feeling is so strong that she uses every fiber of self-control to keep her hands to herself.
He still dresses impeccably even though he has no one to impress anymore- except for her. But as the day gets longer, he loses bits and pieces of his armor. He's in black slacks and a white dress shirt that is securely tucked into his pants and his sleeves are rolled up and they highlight his forearms and he looks warm and inviting. She feels so close to him yet there's a self-control that makes her feel so far away.
He always impresses her, there is no doubt about that.
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" He questions, his gaze switching between reading the back cover synopsis and eyeing her. "I've never heard of it." He admits wearily, "But I'm not a fan of this new age garbage you're generation produces, Lizzie."
He conjures a smirk which in turn makes her smile- he sounds like his old self.
"I've never watched it either, but I was looking through the collection of movies and this one caught my eye."
That's a lie, she watched it one of the first nights they arrived and has watched it half a dozen times since then but she doesn't want him to know that she holds this movie so dear to her heart or that there's a reason she wants to watch it with him tonight.
"Its about a couple who was madly in love with each other but after a bad fight and breakup, they both undergo a procedure to have their memories erased of their time together and they go on with life until one day they meet again on a train and are instantly attracted to one another but they have no idea that they were together for two years in the past and they fall in love again without knowing that they were in love with each other before their memories were blocked."
He stands still and she watches for his reaction, he seems composed and to anyone else he poses no change but she notices the twitch in his eyes and watches his teeth sink into the side of his cheek.
"It pegs the question of "Does having a spotless mind bring eternal sunshine?", if erasing an incident does us any good, or just brings us more complications and pain?"
"Is ignorance really bliss?" He counters after a few moments.
"No, its not." She answers in a whisper while studying the changes in his features, trying to read between the lines he has become so good at drawing and dividing.
"You can lose sight of a memory but you can't lose feelings and emotions, you can't forget impulses and instincts because even if you erase memories, you cannot erase feelings- you can't erase love."
"But if it didn't work out between them before, why would they give it another go?" He asks her curiously and there's a flicker of something she can't distinguish in his eyes.
Tom.
He thinks she's talking about Tom.
She tilts her head. "It wasn't the right time before or maybe they didn't see what they had until it was too far out of reach, maybe he hid things from her and she pushed him away - maybe he pushed her into another man's arms."
She watches him gulp and falter at her words. The cogs in his head turning while trying to make sense of her words and realize her intentions.
"Maybe fate does exist- Maybe no matter what road you decide to take, it all leads to the same destination in the end."
"Life is about the journey, not the destination, Lizzie." There's a glint in his eyes and it warms her from the inside out.
"Maybe they take a chance, even if they know how it might end, they know what might be waiting at the end of the road but they choose to take it anyway because they have resolved to have a little faith and mutual hope for a future that might be extraordinary together."
"Do you believe in fate?" He asks with a tilt to his head. He's studying her like a fine piece of art, his eyes taking in her features and reviling in her boldness.
"I believe that you can feel a connection to someone instantly, I think its possible to feel safe when you should feel scared or gravitate to someone when you know you should keep your distance or even care deeply for a person who you want to hate- but you just simply can't because the heart wants what it wants and we try and fool ourselves into believing we have control when we don't."
"It would be wonderful to be able to say anything or do anything knowing that if it didn't turn out how you wanted, you could just erase it."
She can't help the slip of the tongue, can't censor her words or let them linger in her mind because time is of the essence and she doesn't want him to retreat just yet.
"Tell me something." She asks him, "Anything - with the notion that you could erase it right after you say it."
He works his jaw, and broadens his stance but doesn't look at her until he dips his head and his eyes find hers.
"I think you're beautiful."
She sighs heavily as if the weight of the world was just released from her chest and she can finally take a breath.
"C'mon, I'm intrigued- Let's go watch it." He says a little bit abruptly as if to negate the weight of the words he just uttered to her, a confession she's sure was done in a spur of the moment and one he already regrets.
He moves to walk around her but she snatches the movie from his grasp and smoothly slides her hand down his forearms and into his grasp where she intwines their fingers and leads him downstairs into the theater- one of the many amenities this sanctuary has to offer- because although its a safe house, a place of refuge to hide two fugitives, its quickly becoming a place she sees that she could build a future.