All We Need of Hell
Chapter 1: The Cassadine Red Rose
Disclaimer: General Hospital and all its characters belong to ABC, Disney, etc.
Author's Notes: Thanks to my faithful beta reader. Please read and review! The quote is from Othello. Act v. Sc. 2.
I remember very little about my mother. After her death I had to put all of my memories of her and my life as Natasha Cassadine away. I pushed them into a small box in the back of my mind. I locked the box up tight. I became Alexis Davidovich, later Davis. I was an adult before I even tried to find the box again.
"Then, must you speak of one that loved not wisely but too well."
I have always thought that Shakespeare quote best described my mother. She loved Mikkos Cassadine. For that she lost her life.
Even as an adult I still have very few memories of her. That quote has always been her legacy to me. It defined what my life was to become. It is also my one inheritance from her.
Mother was luckier then me though. Helena came in one night and slit her throat. She paid the price for her unwise love herself. I watch the people I care about pay the price for mine.
I have loved two men in my life, Sonny Corinthos and Ned Ashton.
Sonny Corinthos was my one risk. The mob boss with a heart of gold I thought. A child as damaged by his mother's choices as I was. It was Natasha Cassadine who saw in him all the restless passion. It was she who saw all the decisions in his life as choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. She who justified everything through the same distorted lens centuries of Cassadines had used to justify their own misdeeds.
Natasha gave her heart to a man who belonged to another. She ignored the rules Alexis had grown up believing and the facts in front of her eyes. She gave up friends and risked her own life for him.
She was a fool. One night destroyed the illusion. Natasha got everything she wanted. Then I awoke to find it had nearly cost someone else her life.
However, Carly survived and I thought I had managed to escape relatively unscathed. I had even managed to come away with a gift, a precious baby girl. So what if I had to lie to my sister, Kristina, to protect my daughter from Sonny and his life. If my bond with Kristina needed to be shaken or if I had to use her boyfriend, Ned, as a cover it was not too high a price to pay.
I should have remembered I was my mother's heir.
My sister found out about my lie. Kristina could no longer trust Ned or me so she went to find Sonny. It cost Kristina her life. I cost Kristina her life. I loved Sonny Corinthos, mob boss and target extraordinaire, and Kristina died for it.
Ned Ashton was my once and future love. He was everything Alexis ever dreamed about as a young woman. He was smart, funny, kind, and understanding. We were the gatekeepers, the ones without their names but with their problems. Together we could face anything. My family, his family, Jax's poverty, and Chloe's aunt were all easy obstacles. The only thing we couldn't face together was a preacher. Alexis was too afraid of loosing her independence. She was too afraid of loosing Alexis in Mrs. Ashton. So she fled, ran away from him. Alexis hid in work and loyalty to a new friend. When she finally looked up he was gone. Alexis had played it safe and lost.
That should have been the end of the story. Ned should have been safe. He was safe. He was with Kristina. Until I needed to use his name to protect my gift. Until Kristina paid the price for my mistake of forgetting I was my mother's heir.
I should have learned. I had this lesson three times now: Mother, Chloe, and now Kristina. Still I didn't learn.
It began as a simple bargain. A marriage of convince just as I had with Jax. Two old friends bound by grief and a determination to protect my daughter. Determined to keep this person that my sister spent her last breath protecting safe from harm. The only love involved would be for the two Kristinas, my sister and my daughter.
I spent the rest of my pregnancy trying to convince Ned to leave Port Charles. In the end it wasn't any of my well thought out arguments that convinced him, it was Carly Corithos. The day after Kristin was born Ned found Carly looking at her through the nursery window at General Hospital. Ned wouldn't tell me what Carly said to him, but it convinced him that staying in Port Charles would be like waving a red flag in front of Carly. That one day Carly would tell Sonny what she knew about our daughter.
So Ned, our daughter and I moved to Manhattan. And Kristin was our daughter. While I knew that Ned would take care of her and protect her from the minute I told him about her, I admit I did wonder if he would see too much of Sonny in her. I didn't need to worry, I knew the minute I saw them together that as far as Ned and Kristina were concerned they were father and daughter. Any lingering doubt I had about my decision ended. We were a family.
How could I not fall in love with Ned after that? How could I not fall in love with any man who loved my Kristina? How could I not fall in love with the man who had always held Alexis' heart in his hands? So I fell in love with Ned all over again. Thus I condemned him to death.
I don't know how I knew. Kristina and I went to get a late dinner from a Chinese place down the street just like we had done a hundred times before. We walked into our building, Kristina talking a mile a minute about her day with Brooke-Lynn and Lois. It was all so normal. Then suddenly I knew. I told Kristina to go to Mrs. Strumen's until I came and got her. Kristina went.
The door was unlocked, but that wasn't unusual when we were home. I stayed there with the door handle turned, but without actually opening the door. As if for one more minute I could keep things they way they had been. Then I opened the door. I didn't hear anything. Everything was so still. I had been in a room like that before. I walked down the short entry hall and into our living room. There he was, lying on the floor. Lying in a pool of red. Just like mother.
I walked over to phone and called the police. I gave them my name, address, and requested an ambulance in a perfectly calm voice. Then I sat down by my fourth victim.
I sat there in the middle of the red. Except for the red he could be sleeping. He had slept there sometimes, with Kristina on his chest. I could imagine that he would wake up.
From a distance I heard the police and paramedics arrive. They were somewhere down at the end of a long hall. They came in the room but never got closer to me. They somehow examined Ned from the end of that long hall. They were asking me questions I couldn't hear over the rushing in my ears. All I could hear were the paramedics saying Ned was gone.
Another love I had was gone. Another death to I lived to see. Another red day I get to experience.
Why Sonny? Why do you live while they all die? Why do I? Why do I have to wear red again?
Why do I live? What use am I? I'm just a servant's bastard daughter. Why should I live?
Why is Stephan here? How did he get here so fast? There is Kristina. She looks so sad. I should hold her.
NO! Don't go near her. You can't protect her. You can't protect anyone. You can only get her killed. You can only protect her by staying away. Haven't you learned yet? Stephan will protect her. He was right here. There he is. He will protect her. He knows how to protect children. Laura trusted him. So will I. As long a Stephan is here Kristina is safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
I must stay quiet and stay still. Must protect Kristina. Mustn't leave Kristina alone. Can't let the mean lady near her. Can't let the red near her. Stay quite little baby and we will be safe here in the hay. Stay safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Time keeps passing. They all died, Mother, Chloe, Kristina, and Ned, still time passed. Each time I looked up time had changed things. One moment the Quartermaines and the Cassadines were all here. The next moment it was just Stephan, Kristina and I. One moment we were in a hotel room. The next moment we were in a strange apartment. One moment Kristina is just a little girl. The next moment she is a young lady.
No matter what else changed one thing remained the same, the world was always red.
Kristina says it is just us tonight. Where is Stephan? Why isn't Stephan here? He has to protect Kristina. He has to protect her from me.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Why is Carly there? What right does Carly have to be still alive? Why can't Sonny lose it all too? Why can he still dance at the Nurses Ball when Ned can't? How can she wear that? "Red is my color, my anger, my rage. She doesn't have the right to wear it." I tell her.
Kristina is looking at me. I must stay quiet and stay still. Must protect Kristina. Can't let the red near her. Stay quite little baby and we will be safe here in the hay. Stay safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Who is talking? Stop talking. Why don't you just stop talking?
Why did you stop talking? Luke never stops talking.
"Jeez, why do all you Cassadine women feel the need to introduce yourselves by knocking me out?"
Because we all instinctively know it is the only way to shut you up.
Chapter 1: The Cassadine Red Rose
Disclaimer: General Hospital and all its characters belong to ABC, Disney, etc.
Author's Notes: Thanks to my faithful beta reader. Please read and review! The quote is from Othello. Act v. Sc. 2.
I remember very little about my mother. After her death I had to put all of my memories of her and my life as Natasha Cassadine away. I pushed them into a small box in the back of my mind. I locked the box up tight. I became Alexis Davidovich, later Davis. I was an adult before I even tried to find the box again.
"Then, must you speak of one that loved not wisely but too well."
I have always thought that Shakespeare quote best described my mother. She loved Mikkos Cassadine. For that she lost her life.
Even as an adult I still have very few memories of her. That quote has always been her legacy to me. It defined what my life was to become. It is also my one inheritance from her.
Mother was luckier then me though. Helena came in one night and slit her throat. She paid the price for her unwise love herself. I watch the people I care about pay the price for mine.
I have loved two men in my life, Sonny Corinthos and Ned Ashton.
Sonny Corinthos was my one risk. The mob boss with a heart of gold I thought. A child as damaged by his mother's choices as I was. It was Natasha Cassadine who saw in him all the restless passion. It was she who saw all the decisions in his life as choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. She who justified everything through the same distorted lens centuries of Cassadines had used to justify their own misdeeds.
Natasha gave her heart to a man who belonged to another. She ignored the rules Alexis had grown up believing and the facts in front of her eyes. She gave up friends and risked her own life for him.
She was a fool. One night destroyed the illusion. Natasha got everything she wanted. Then I awoke to find it had nearly cost someone else her life.
However, Carly survived and I thought I had managed to escape relatively unscathed. I had even managed to come away with a gift, a precious baby girl. So what if I had to lie to my sister, Kristina, to protect my daughter from Sonny and his life. If my bond with Kristina needed to be shaken or if I had to use her boyfriend, Ned, as a cover it was not too high a price to pay.
I should have remembered I was my mother's heir.
My sister found out about my lie. Kristina could no longer trust Ned or me so she went to find Sonny. It cost Kristina her life. I cost Kristina her life. I loved Sonny Corinthos, mob boss and target extraordinaire, and Kristina died for it.
Ned Ashton was my once and future love. He was everything Alexis ever dreamed about as a young woman. He was smart, funny, kind, and understanding. We were the gatekeepers, the ones without their names but with their problems. Together we could face anything. My family, his family, Jax's poverty, and Chloe's aunt were all easy obstacles. The only thing we couldn't face together was a preacher. Alexis was too afraid of loosing her independence. She was too afraid of loosing Alexis in Mrs. Ashton. So she fled, ran away from him. Alexis hid in work and loyalty to a new friend. When she finally looked up he was gone. Alexis had played it safe and lost.
That should have been the end of the story. Ned should have been safe. He was safe. He was with Kristina. Until I needed to use his name to protect my gift. Until Kristina paid the price for my mistake of forgetting I was my mother's heir.
I should have learned. I had this lesson three times now: Mother, Chloe, and now Kristina. Still I didn't learn.
It began as a simple bargain. A marriage of convince just as I had with Jax. Two old friends bound by grief and a determination to protect my daughter. Determined to keep this person that my sister spent her last breath protecting safe from harm. The only love involved would be for the two Kristinas, my sister and my daughter.
I spent the rest of my pregnancy trying to convince Ned to leave Port Charles. In the end it wasn't any of my well thought out arguments that convinced him, it was Carly Corithos. The day after Kristin was born Ned found Carly looking at her through the nursery window at General Hospital. Ned wouldn't tell me what Carly said to him, but it convinced him that staying in Port Charles would be like waving a red flag in front of Carly. That one day Carly would tell Sonny what she knew about our daughter.
So Ned, our daughter and I moved to Manhattan. And Kristin was our daughter. While I knew that Ned would take care of her and protect her from the minute I told him about her, I admit I did wonder if he would see too much of Sonny in her. I didn't need to worry, I knew the minute I saw them together that as far as Ned and Kristina were concerned they were father and daughter. Any lingering doubt I had about my decision ended. We were a family.
How could I not fall in love with Ned after that? How could I not fall in love with any man who loved my Kristina? How could I not fall in love with the man who had always held Alexis' heart in his hands? So I fell in love with Ned all over again. Thus I condemned him to death.
I don't know how I knew. Kristina and I went to get a late dinner from a Chinese place down the street just like we had done a hundred times before. We walked into our building, Kristina talking a mile a minute about her day with Brooke-Lynn and Lois. It was all so normal. Then suddenly I knew. I told Kristina to go to Mrs. Strumen's until I came and got her. Kristina went.
The door was unlocked, but that wasn't unusual when we were home. I stayed there with the door handle turned, but without actually opening the door. As if for one more minute I could keep things they way they had been. Then I opened the door. I didn't hear anything. Everything was so still. I had been in a room like that before. I walked down the short entry hall and into our living room. There he was, lying on the floor. Lying in a pool of red. Just like mother.
I walked over to phone and called the police. I gave them my name, address, and requested an ambulance in a perfectly calm voice. Then I sat down by my fourth victim.
I sat there in the middle of the red. Except for the red he could be sleeping. He had slept there sometimes, with Kristina on his chest. I could imagine that he would wake up.
From a distance I heard the police and paramedics arrive. They were somewhere down at the end of a long hall. They came in the room but never got closer to me. They somehow examined Ned from the end of that long hall. They were asking me questions I couldn't hear over the rushing in my ears. All I could hear were the paramedics saying Ned was gone.
Another love I had was gone. Another death to I lived to see. Another red day I get to experience.
Why Sonny? Why do you live while they all die? Why do I? Why do I have to wear red again?
Why do I live? What use am I? I'm just a servant's bastard daughter. Why should I live?
Why is Stephan here? How did he get here so fast? There is Kristina. She looks so sad. I should hold her.
NO! Don't go near her. You can't protect her. You can't protect anyone. You can only get her killed. You can only protect her by staying away. Haven't you learned yet? Stephan will protect her. He was right here. There he is. He will protect her. He knows how to protect children. Laura trusted him. So will I. As long a Stephan is here Kristina is safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
I must stay quiet and stay still. Must protect Kristina. Mustn't leave Kristina alone. Can't let the mean lady near her. Can't let the red near her. Stay quite little baby and we will be safe here in the hay. Stay safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Time keeps passing. They all died, Mother, Chloe, Kristina, and Ned, still time passed. Each time I looked up time had changed things. One moment the Quartermaines and the Cassadines were all here. The next moment it was just Stephan, Kristina and I. One moment we were in a hotel room. The next moment we were in a strange apartment. One moment Kristina is just a little girl. The next moment she is a young lady.
No matter what else changed one thing remained the same, the world was always red.
Kristina says it is just us tonight. Where is Stephan? Why isn't Stephan here? He has to protect Kristina. He has to protect her from me.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Why is Carly there? What right does Carly have to be still alive? Why can't Sonny lose it all too? Why can he still dance at the Nurses Ball when Ned can't? How can she wear that? "Red is my color, my anger, my rage. She doesn't have the right to wear it." I tell her.
Kristina is looking at me. I must stay quiet and stay still. Must protect Kristina. Can't let the red near her. Stay quite little baby and we will be safe here in the hay. Stay safe.
Don't let the red touch Kristina.
Who is talking? Stop talking. Why don't you just stop talking?
Why did you stop talking? Luke never stops talking.
"Jeez, why do all you Cassadine women feel the need to introduce yourselves by knocking me out?"
Because we all instinctively know it is the only way to shut you up.