Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS characters. They are the very own property of CBS.
Author's Note: This is my first fanfic. I have no idea what has happened after Reunion (7x02) because I haven't seen the episodes, so some facts may not be correct. So everything that happened here after Ziva came back is totally coming from my imagination. And also, please notice that since I'm from Finland, English is only my second language and that's why my English isn't perfect =) Read and Review please =)
It felt like a normal day at the NCIS again. She was back. For a moment Tony had already thought she was dead. For a moment, that was way too long. It had been hard enough to know, that she didn't want to work with him anymore, but to actually think she was dead, that he would never meet her again. He had been ready to end his own life, thought about it more times he could even count. He wasn't sure what had been the thing to finally stop those thoughts, or had he even stopped them yet.
Maybe it had been the moment she was brought to the chair in front of him, and he could see she wasn't dead. Maybe it was the moment he had carried her out of that nightmare and he could actually understand that not any of them was going to die this time. Maybe, but still, when he woke up with nightmares of her lying dead in his arms, the thoughts came back. And those thoughts didn't stop until he had her in his sight again. At work he could finally breathe again. She was alive.
It had been two weeks now since she had returned to the NCIS. On the outside, things had worked out pretty well. After Tony had successfully brought her back from Somalia, she had decided to come back to the NCIS. And there she was, sitting right in front of him at her desk.
Ziva David.
The woman he loved, even though he would never say it out loud. He was scared to even think about it, almost like he was afraid that someone could pick that up from his thoughts and spread it everywhere. Tony DiNozzo was in love. A sentence no one would ever take seriously. Tony wasn't the falling in love kind of type and yet he was in love. But still, could anyone truly blame him for that?
They had been working together for four years now. The start had not been easy for anyone. Ziva's brother had killed one of his team members. But within those four years they had earned each other's trust piece by piece. Now she was his everything. They had shared some horrifying moments together and they both had had nightmares only the other would truly understand. Just by looking into each other's eyes they could see everything. They knew everything about each other. Or so he had thought.
Now he wasn't so sure about it. Not at least at her part. How could she possibly trust him anymore, now that he had killed her boyfriend? Even when he had later saved her life in Somalia he wasn't sure if she could ever forgive her. All that trust had shattered into little pieces, and who knew, maybe they would be picking up those pieces forever. He has his own doubts too. They had shared one passionate talk in the men's room few days ago and Ziva had said something that still kept coming up from the back of his mind.
"When you shot Michael, I almost killed you where you stood"
Even though he knew why she said that, even though she would have had every right to say, even do that, it still bugged him. The fact that Ziva was ready to kill him wasn't quite pleasing. He had no doubts if she would have actually been able to do that. He had responded with a joke, as always, and the conversation had moved on. She had forgiven him, and they had both said they were sorry, but could anything save their relationship anymore now. Was it too late for forgiveness?
Yea, maybe it all looked fine from the outside, but nothing was fine on the inside, and they both knew it.
xxxx
"DiNozzo, Ziva, McGee, grab your gear. We have a dead marine."
Gibbs' imperative voice interrupted Tony's thoughts. He grabbed his gun and stood up.
"You two, get the car" Gibbs said and pointed at Ziva and Tony. Even though nobody had said it out loud, it felt like Gibbs was trying to give Ziva and Tony some alone time as often as possible. It was something Gibbs usually never did, but maybe he had noticed the fact too, the team didn't work when two of its members weren't speaking.
Tony and Ziva stood up and ran to the elevator. He let her in first, like he wanted to be polite, but the truth was that he just wanted a reaction out of her. After she had opened u to him in the men's room, it seemed like she was totally shutting him down. He couldn't see anything in her eyes. But Ziva didn't say anything; she just stepped into the elevator in total silence.
Tony wasn't going to take it anymore. He pressed the emergency stop, and the elevator stopped in the middle of the shaft. First she looked confused, then angry, but he wasn't going to give up.
"That's it Ziva, that's it. What is wrong? You have to talk to me, okay, you have to. You can't just keep ignoring me like you've done so far. At some point we're going to have to talk about this. Everyone, I bet you too, knows something is wrong. It's bugging even Gibbs. So tell me, what is it that you need, another apology? Do you want to quit, do you want me to quit, because I don't know how to…"
"Shut up Tony!" she yelled suddenly. Such a strong response surprised him. She never showed her feelings to anyone like this. "It's not about what you should do or not do, for god's sake Tony, everything isn't always about you" she said still sounding angry.
"Then what is it?" he asked. "What on the earth is it? I know you're still mad at me for doing… Well, what I did, but you'll have to say it to me. Be angry!"
"It's not that. I'm not angry. I said it already; I've forgiven you. This isn't about Michael or you. It's about me. It's something I'll have to deal with by myself." she said and looked into his eyes. For the first time in a long time he saw something there. Pain. Agony. He stepped closer to her and he could see the panic in her eyes as she tried to escape from the situation. But she couldn't.
"Tell me about it" he said and looked deep into her brown eyes.
"Tony please, go away! I can't… I can't" and suddenly, like out of nowhere, she burst into tears. She looked so ashamed when she cried quietly. She never wanted anyone to see her cry, especially him.
"It's okay" he said and wiped a tear from her face. "It's okay"
"It's not okay! Nothing's okay anymore. I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares, and they won't go away even now when I'm awake. I'm falling into pieces, and I just can't talk to you. Okay, I can't, because I know that when it comes to you, I can't pretend." She pushed his arm away. "Please Tony, I just can't. Go away. Please." She was now looking into his eyes, begging.
"Ziva…" Tony started but she had already dried her eyes and turned around. The moment was gone. She no longer was vulnerable and broken. She had become Agent David again, the one who could easily hide her feelings. She pressed the emergency stop and the elevator continued moving.
"Great, now you're escaping this situation. We're back exactly where we were, aren't we?" Tony snapped. He wasn't ready to let go so easily, not now when he had finally managed to get something out of her.
"We're late. Gibbs wants us to get the car." she said. Tony could easily see she was avoiding him, afraid to look into his eyes. But he didn't say anything as they walked out of the elevator. He was quiet as they walked in the parking lot and when they got into the car. To his surprise, she was the first to break the silence:
"Tony… The conversation we just had… It, it never happened, okay? If you'll ever bring it up again, I'll kick the brain out of your over-sized head" And to impress her words she slammed the door of the car.
"Over-sized? My head isn't over-sized! And who said you get to drive" he protested as she kicked the gas. She had always considered her driving skills excellent, but the truth was, they weren't so good. She had taught herself to drive in Israel, and that kind of driving didn't work in Washington DC that well.
"I did" she said and drove out of the parking lot. "And Tony… Promise me you'll never bring that up again" she said, looking into his eyes again.
"I promise." He said. "But Ziva, you'll have to understand one thing"
"What?"
"I'm not just going to let you suffer"
So, tell me what you think =) I'm writing the second chapter right now =) -Mimi