It wasn't easy being Severus Snape – it never had been easy for him, his father was a muggle who didn't understand nor liked Magic, and his mother was – well she was a bloodtraitor in the eyes of many wizards and witches, which was why he rarely told anyone of who she was – of who he was. In his eyes, his mother was the one person who could encourage him, though it wasn't often he did it, and it had been mostly when he was little – he still remembered the evenings where he had heard his parents yell at each other, his father yelling that she was a freak, and a good for nothing wife, who had given him a good for nothing son. Severus would curl up in his bed, and silently cry, wishing himself away from the house, away from his father, and away from all the pain.
He always tried to stay silent – no matter if he was crying, or walking around in the small shabby house, as his father would yell at him, if he did something that might disturb him – in one way or another.
Sometimes, in the evenings, when he was lying in his bed crying, his mother would come in, and close the door after her. She would then sit on his bed, and put a hand on his cheek, taking the hair that had fallen into his face away – it was usually damp, and sticking to his face. She would then tell him to look at her, and tell him the story of magic, dragons, unicorns, wizards, witches, and most of all; Hogwarts. It always soothed him, to hear of Hogwarts, as it was a way out of the nightmare he called his life. His mother promised him, that the years he would spend at Hogwarts, no matter what house he would be in, would be the best years of his life – that he would be taught to control his magic, he would excel at the subjects there because his mother believed he was the smartest little boy she had ever known, and best of all he would find friends just like himself there – wizards, witches – magical friends. He wouldn't be called a freak, and he would never have to deal with being different, because at Hogwarts, everyone was the same – they were all magical.
He would listen to her stories, his eyes wide with excitement. He wanted nothing more than to go to Hogwarts.
He had been spying on a girl who lived in the same town as he did, and when he found out she was a witch too – a muggleborn witch, but a witch nonetheless, he was even more excited. Ever since he had seen the red haired, bright green eyed girl, he had been drawn to her – there was just something about her that he liked.
She was his first friend – and she actually enjoyed their conversations. He told her everything he knew about magic and about Hogwarts – Lily became the light of his life.
But then they met Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew – the marauders.
Everything he had been promised, everything his mother had told him was a lie. He was different at Hogwarts as well, and was called a freak as many times, as he had by the children in his neighborhood.
It didn't help that his only friend had been sorted into Gryffindor with the marauders, and Severus was sorted into Slytherin.
Potter and Black would stop at nothing when it came to torture him, and it became worse when they were in their teenage years – Potter had found a soft spot for Lily. His Lily.
And when he had called her a mudblood, he knew she wouldn't want to be his friend anymore, though he had to try – he had to win her over.
He tried everything – he tried conjuring Lily flowers to her, he tried to convince her that he would change, that he would do anything for her. But she wouldn't hear of it.
It only became worse when he in their 7th year found out she was dating Potter – the boy she had once called arrogant.
It was around this time Severus decided to join the dark lord – he didn't have any better suggestion as to how he wished to live his life.
But this turned out to be a failure as well – the moment he found out the dark lord had targeted Lily, he had begged him to spare her – but he hadn't.
When Severus heard she had been killed, he felt like his heart had been ripped out, and stabbed continuously, before he went into a state of remorse and despair. It was his fault. He had been the one to deliver the prophecy to the dark lord; it was he who had secured their death sentence. He didn't want to live anymore – she was gone and would never return. It was against his will, that he promised Dumbledore that when her son would come to Hogwarts sometime in the future, that Severus would look after him – watch over him for Lily.
But he couldn't bare it – the thought of Potter's face with Lily's eyes, it crushed him. He already felt hatred for the boy before he even started at Hogwarts.
Severus was sitting in his office, one the night between October 30th and October 31st. When the clock turned 12, and the midnight bells told him it now officially was October 31st, he stood up from his chair, and walked over to get his travel cloak.
He walked through the empty halls of Hogwarts, only met by a few ghosts, but he didn't even register them either – he just walked. The moment he had reached the gates, he disapparated.
He reappeared in a small town, where the leaves where scattered on the ground, and the wind was howling in the streets. He knew this town – he knew it though he had never lived there.
With steady footsteps, he walked toward the cemetery, knowing she would be there, knowing it was his fault that she was there, knowing he would never forgive himself.
He passed the house on his way – the ruins of the house. He didn't stop to watch as a stature of a man with round glasses and untidy hair, standing with a woman with long hair and a kind face who held a baby in her arms – a baby where a lightning scar had been carved into his forehead. The baby had the same untidy hair as the man, and Severus knew, even though there were no colours on the statue, that the baby had her eyes.
He kept on walking, and first slowed down when he opened the gate to the cemetery, taking a look around first to see that there was no one there, before walking into the cemetery with only one direction in mind.
He first came to a stop, when he saw the familiar white headstone on the ground. He stopped up right in front of it, and fell down to his knees.
Ten years had gone by – ten times had he come there, on precisely the same day, and precisely the same time. And every time he felt equally remorseful, every time he felt the same self-hatred he had done those ten years ago, when Dumbledore had told him she was dead.
It was the only time of year, he allowed tears to well up in his eyes – it was the only time of year, he allowed them to pour out onto the ground, while supporting himself by putting a hand to the headstone, gently touching the letters that formed her name; Lily Potter.
And it was the only time of year where he didn't know what to do, other than sit on the ground and weep for the love he had lost, for the only witch who had ever touched his heart.
Every year, he wanted nothing more than to reunite with her in death, and tell her how sorry he was, tell her it was his entire fault, tell her how much he loved her and how much he missed her.
Every year, he became more and more sorrowful as he looked down at the numbers that told him she had only been twenty one years old when she died – when she was murdered by the man he had once trusted.
And every year he wished for only one thing; that she would return to him.
But he knew she would never return to him, and this only caused him to scream out in remorse and despair, not caring if anyone heard him, or if anyone was passing by. He screamed out in agony, screamed out in despair, screamed out for the love he had lost, until his throat couldn't do it anymore, and he then would lower his head, and cry onto the ground where the remains of his beloved was. The only thing that held him up was his hand supporting his weight on the top of the headstone.
Tears trickled down over his nose, one, two, three, four, five, six – he couldn't even focus on counting them. Memories of her, when they were children and she had looked at him with her big bright excited green almond shaped eyes, of when they were on their way to Hogwarts, of the times they had laughed together in the library, but also of the hurt in her eyes, the day he had called her that word, they all flooded him mind, and his vision was blurred from tears.
He had lost her.
Disclaimer - i do not own anything from the Potterverse.
So, after I saw the latest movie, I cried watching the scene where he was holding Lily's body in his arms, and ever since I have felt this great sorrow for him, and inspired by the song 'Open at the close' By Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls, i decided to write this. I know the song is about Harry, but i can't help but think of Snape when i hear it, which naturally makes me kinda sad :/ I wish J.K Rowling hadn't killed him off - he was by far one of the best Characters in the Harry Potter series.