As Cold as Snow
A/N: A one shot, season 1 ep. 19 fic about Sydney and Noah Hicks (The Snowman), Spoilers. Not entirely accurate for you detail freaks, a little bit AU, hell a lot AU in the end…just read and accept…and review please! –FL-
Tears flowed down her face the entire ride back to SD-6 headquarters. She had killed him. Killed Noah…he…the Snowman…It had been so obvious and yet all she had was blood of another man she loved on her hands. A scornful smile crossed Sydney Bristow's lips. She was death. She was the thing people warned their kids about: a black widow spider of a girl. Silently Sydney mourned for Noah. It hadn't been much, their rekindled time together, but it had been enough to twist the knife-no pun intended. It had been lonely, Noah had made her believe that she could leave the job—have a new life with a new man in a new world where no one had heard of SD-6. It had been a ploy in the end, to get her out of harm's way. Of course it had failed, Sydney was too hard headed for her own good, and now Noah's own good.
Behind her closed eyelids she saw a show of their heated passions and love making, his body and her's clinging to one another as if there was nothing left. In rudimentary terms, the sex had been great: anything to make her feel something again. Love—lust, it didn't matter what it was. It was a flame, emotion—something to draw Sydney back to reality, to get her head out of the game for one second. And now that hope, that flame was extinguished. They had had something, and yet the nature of the master's they served had forced them to kill—to try to kill one another. A fight to the death, two lovers forced to bloodshed and hand to hand combat. Whatever Noah felt for her, it wasn't enough. Was it her, Sidney wondered. Did she ask for pain and suffering? First…God, don't even compare him to Daniel, she though helplessly. First, Daniel's death…then this? Noah wasn't even in the same league as what she had with Daniel but Noah's smile, his eyes gave her hope there was something more out there for her.
She had left him there dead in the kitchen, kissed his cooling cheek and laid a hand over his chest. His blood was under her nails. Her back against the cupboard, Sydney had cried the tears of a desperate woman. Her body was wracked with shaking sobs so hard the kitchen island moved. It wasn't necessarily all about what she had done— it was what and who Noah had really been. It was about the void which grew darker and deeper inside of Sydney every day. She was losing herself, losing the sparkle in her eyes. She hadn't felt anything but hate for too long, and Noah had reminded her how good it felt to just let go and take in the little things: pleasures of the flesh or the company of someone else in her shoes.
She looked out the window of the private jet, not wanting any attention paid to her strange demeanor. Sydney wanted to be a speck of dust, a fly on the wall, invisible and alone in her grieving. They were nearing home. Good. Sydney wanted nothing more to write her report, de-brief with the little lie she had conceived, and go home. There was a bottle of gin and a warm bath waiting for her. She'd have to dodge he friends: the people she was once open and honest with, but it was an old game now. Make up a story about a bank trip gone awry, a botched sale, something they'd swallow down with the most ease and no questions.
An hour and a half later Sydney had managed to pull herself together, to contrive a story about the entire ordeal and put the fake smile back onto her lips. She had a lot of practice. Nothing was ever allowed to be wrong in Sydney Bristow's life. She had de-briefed and filed her report, and now the silence of the ride home was a welcome sound. It was past 1 a.m and Syd snuck into the house as quietly as possible, she was never sure what to expect any more. Thankfully if anyone was there, they were asleep. Will and Francie were well meaning, but God, she couldn't take any questions today. "My day was great. My lover got killed—by me. I lied to my evil boss about who this psycho-killer The Snowman was because he was actually my boyfriend." Sydney thought in her head. She sounded about as stable as a two-legged stool at the moment. Too late for a bath, Sydney made her way to the nightstand by her bed to set the alarm for classes. To her surprise a large envelope sat under the clock, addressed to Sydney with the Credit Dauphine letterhead. Something from work, she wondered. Sydney carefully slit the envelope open and emptied the contents onto her comforter. The handwriting moved her close to tears once again. Noah. So he had known it would come to this. Inside was a letter, and another plane ticket—this time to an island in the Pacific that Sydney had never heard of.
"Sydney,
I hate for you to have to read this. It doesn't leave a lot of options from today's mission. Either you'll never see me again—or you finished the job. I must say that I am sorry about this. I didn't want you to see the real me, I tried my hardest to spare you. Twisted as it may sound, I missed you during those long months of deep cover. I missed your voice, your eyes, your spirit. I also hated you, but hey—we both got over it. I just wanted to tell you that no matter what (yeah, even if I'm dead when you get this), I love you, kid. It wasn't perfect, but it's the closest I ever got to it. I deserve whatever I got today, I knew the risks and I took them all the same. But you deserve better, Sydney, better than anyone can give you. Much better than SD-6, that's for damn sure. Please take my advice. Leave here, Sydney. Start over. You're young and beautiful, take that ticket because you deserve it. You don't owe anyone anything—although if you do feel like you owe me a favor then let it be paid by taking that damn flight. It's a quaint little island: warm all year and full of colorful locals. I've set you up a bank account and new identity, and the house is beautiful. It reminds me of you. I can't sell this any further, just know that it'd be smart to get out of town. Sydney, whatever we had was great. I can't promise that it was love, but you're the closest to heaven I ever got. Wherever I am I'm thinking of you.
Noah Hicks
P.S- Sorry about the whole trying to kill you thing. I tried to warn you."
Tears had dried to Sydney's cheeks once again, the last line bring a smile to her lips. Still Noah's sense of humor…Sighing Sydney looked over the Polaroid picture that was inside the plane ticket. It was picturesque and most likely the view from the place Noah had purchased. He stood in the corner, shaded by the sunset, waving at Sydney. A small sigh escaped her parted lips and she pressed the photo to her chest. God, why was life so unfair? She kept getting deal shitty hands, maybe Noah had a point…Sydney tucked the picture under her pillow and laid down on her bed fully clothed. She squeezed her stuffed bear to her breast, it loved her unconditionally. Why couldn't Sydney do the same for herself instead of continuing to beat herself to a pulp over Daniel's death—and now Noah.
She had to get out of SD-6, she would never be happy and if she was they would ruin it for her. Inspired by Noah's letter she jumped to her feet. The plane ticket stated boldly that the flight would be leaving that day at 6 a.m. Only four hours away. Nervously Sydney paced the room. Should she run? Could she run? Was it safe for Will and Francie? Could she risk caring for them, or would they die like everyone else she loved if she tried to protect them? Her father? The CIA? What would happen? The moment had caught Sydney Bristow. She had to run with the feeling, it was now or never. Hastily Sydney threw her clothing and teddy bear into a duffle bag. She dashed to and fro, from the closet and bathroom back to her room with armloads of essential items. After about an hour Sydney had all the things she'd need for her journey—she was used to traveling light. She grabbed the Polaroid and looked out at the dark but steadily lightening sky, it was nearly 4:25 a.m already. Time to fly, Syd thought, shouldering the bag and creeping from the house to her car. She would ditch it for a cab somewhere quick. As she left her small home she thought about Noah one last time. "Thank you…" she whispered towards the sky before leaving everything she knew behind. It was time for a fresh beginning.