A*N – I usually do Brittana but this was depressingly plaguing my mind for a while now. Just a quick story of what I think Quinn's thoughts as of late are. It was quickly written, just to kind of get it out of my head and I decided to post it because, who knows, somebody might like it. I apologize for any mistakes.
Quinn is home alone once again.
It happens a lot now that her mother divorced her father. He had moved out and now Judy Fabray spent as much time as she could either shut in her room or "out." Quinn knew that when her mother went out it was usually just an excuse to get away from her. She had begged her to come back home and start their family over but it's almost more strained than when she was hiding her pregnancy. Her mother was obviously depressed. Quinn just wished she knew the reason why that meant she never wanted to see her.
To pass the time, Quinn spends hours on her laptop, looking up old music. When she was a cheerleader she had to be up to date on the top 40 at all times. It was the quiet days at home when she was able to just close her eyes and listen to her favorites.
The quiet days have become more and more frequent. She used to hang out with Brittany and Santana a lot and she always had some kind of boyfriend if she ever became too lonely. Now her two best friends had each other and Quinn felt like she was intruding every time they got together.
Her boyfriends had always left her with something to be desired. Even with them, she felt she could never really be herself. She had really loved Finn. Well, as much as she could love anybody. Deep down she knew it wasn't what real love was. However, Quinn had spent so much time pretending it was love, that she started to believe it herself.
Mostly, it was just that she wanted to believe. She wanted to believe that she could be loved. All of her favorite songs had those old souls crooning about their true loves. What she wouldn't give to know what that was.
Puck had been Puck. He probably would've made a great father, but how was she supposed to expect anything else from him. He couldn't even ignore Santana and her sexting, given that was before she started to try and sort out her feelings for Brittany. He still texts her every now and then. Usually it starts off sweet like he just wants to know if she's doing okay but soon enough he's asking for a hook up or dirty pictures.
Then there was Sam. It wasn't that he was a bad boyfriend. It was almost as if he was too good. Quinn thought his dorkiness was kind of cute. The promise ring was a little intense, though. She tells herself she cheated on him for his own good. In reality, she felt she never deserved someone as good as him.
Quinn couldn't lie to herself anymore. The loneliness was getting to her. All she needed was somebody to talk to but if she learned anything, it was that you couldn't trust anybody. It was the fear that everything she said would be exposed to everybody.
Things like the fact that she sometimes wondered what it would be like to be with a girl. It didn't seem like her thing but sometimes curiosity got the better of her and she indulged in small fantasies. She figured that was because of being the constant third wheel to her best friends' secret love. Well, not secret to her. The two had given up hiding what their relationship really was from Quinn long ago. She only wished she could have the same kind of love.
Maybe everybody would find out that she secretly wished that she could've kept her baby. It was the best decision to give her up but right now it would be nice to have her child. Quinn wondered how it would be to have her little girl look up at her with adoring eyes and know that somebody really cared if she was gone. Sure, people would probably be hurt, like the glee members, but n Quinn's eyes, she could see how they would all have somebody to fall in to. Who did she have?
The last thing she would hate for everybody to find out was that she had those scary thoughts. Those dreams where she hurt herself. Quinn didn't want to be that kind of person. She desperately wanted to be happy. She knew that these kinds of thoughts weren't the kind happy people had. She felt slightly relieved that she hadn't done anything to act on them, yet. It's hard for her to even go in the kitchen and make a sandwich. When she grabs a bread knife to cut off a few slices, she can't seem to help but wonder what it would feel like.
Just a little cut.
Would it hurt? Would she even feel the pain? Would anybody notice the scars?
Quinn's shaken from her thoughts when she hears the front door shut. Her music had apparently turned off sometime while she was off in her own head. She was lying on the couch and her mother walked right past her. Part of her just wanted to call out, to have her mother see how she felt and help her. Like usual, she didn't.
Her mother was the one that had taught her that tears were weakness. She had tried to tell her mother before, when she first moved back in and thought things would be better. Talking was never her strong suit, so she wrote a letter. The letter spoke of her scary thoughts and she left it on the kitchen counter where she knew Judy would find it. When she came home from school, Quinn immediately noticed it was gone. Her mother had obviously found it. When they sat down to talk about it, Judy just insisted it was just teenage angst.
It was reasons like that why Quinn stayed silent as her mother walked through the house. Judy's bedroom door was softly shut but it rang in her ears. Quinn took a second, as she was doing more and more lately, to just close her eyes and focus on her breathing. It'll get better.
After that, the silence was deafening.