Chapter One: Hors D'oevres

"Stupid girl, pay attention!"

Snapping out of her reverie, Elise dodged the blow not a moment too soon. She'd been hit around enough times by Kisame's gravity-defying sword to know the damage it caused. Rubbing her arm, she scowled up at him. How the hell did a human-shark hybrid become a member of the Akaksuki anyway? He'd been accepted the minute he showed up whereas Elise's steady stream of written applications had been rejected over and over for the past six years, and she was a perfectly normal Eurasian.

Sharkboy shouldered his misshapen sword with practiced nonchalance. "As I was saying," he went on, gills quivering with each syllable. "The boss has a job for you."

"What?"

From his stylish cloak, Sharkboy withdrew a packet of papers held together with a paperclip and tossed it at her feet. "It's all in there."

"But…" She gingerly picked up the packet, the words 'TOP SECRET: AKATSUKI PLAN #6' glaring up at her. "I'm not a member yet."

Sharkboy shrugged. "Itachi arranged it for you."

"Itachi?" Instantaneously, Elise dropped the packet as if it were poison or some other clichéd 'evil' substance. "No. Definitely not. I'll have nothing to do with it."

"He worked pretty hard to get you that mission, you know."

"I don't care. If Itachi's behind this, I'm not doing it."

Sharkboy sighed, only he had gills so it wasn't through his mouth. "Elise…this is PLAN #6 we're talking about."

"I don't care."

"Itachi told me you've always wanted in on PLAN #6."

"Not if he has anything to do with it."

Sharkboy paused to consider her. "Itachi really likes you, you know."

"Well Itachi can go fuck his femmy little brother for all I care."

"He doesn't want his femmy little brother. He wants you."

She rolled her eyes.

"You've gotta admit he's good looking."

"He's short."

"So are you."

"I don't like little men. I want something bigger, something I can really sink my teeth into."

Grinning hopefully, Sharkboy stepped forward.

Elise hardly spared him a glance. "No."

His face fell. "It's the gills, isn't it?"

"No. Well, yeah, that's part of it, but—Kisame? No. Just…no." Retrieving the packet, Elise flipped through its contents. "So, what's this mission?"

Sharkboy grinned; his dental hygiene never failed to amaze her. "I thought you weren't into PLAN #6."

"Are you kidding? I practically wrote it myself." She flipped past the dry matter to the protocol and frowned. "I see I'm taking an active role in this mission…"

"Yeah, Itachi didn't want to risk you getting injured in battle."

"So instead of showing off my pseudo-Akaksuki skills I get to be a housemaid. That bastard…"

"Hey, being a housemaid isn't such a bad thing," said Sharkboy, only he was so hideous that Elise lost herself for a moment staring at him with a stupefied look on her face.

"Huh?" she asked, hastily looking elsewhere.

"I said that being a housemaid isn't such a bad thing," Sharkboy repeated, "Did you see where you're stationed?"

Doubtfully, she traced a finger down the page to rest on the words 'Location: Akimitchi household.' "The Akimitchis, huh?"

Sharkboy grinned; the Eurasian averted her eyes. "The Akimitchis hold the secret to 'Lemonade'."

" 'Lemonade'?" Her eyes widened with sudden understanding. "Surely you don't mean the ancient secret so powerful that it's rumored to have the ability to destroy Konoha village AND Orochimaru at the EXACT SAME TIME?"

"Now that the plot has been explained, it is time to commence," said a deep, manly voice that belonged to a somewhat short, feminine Akatsuki member.

"Uchiha Itachi!" cried Sharkboy, so delighted by the presence of his coworker that his voice cracked on the 'i' in 'Uchiha' and he nearly pissed himself.

"Uchiha Itachi!" crie Elise, so disgusted by his arrival that the 'ha' in 'Uchiha' got caught in her throat, causing her to hack out the last syllable as if she was trying to speak Japanese with a German accent.

"Uchiha Itachi," said Uchiha Itachi in his normal monotonous tone. "I see Kisame has informed you of PLAN #6."

"I wrote PLAN #6 myself," Elise reminded him, but being Itachi it was impossible to tell if he actually heard her or not.

"Then the scene has been set. 'The die have been cast,' as it were. Elise, everything you need to know is in that packet. I advise you not to leave it laying around where others can see it."

"I know, I'm not stupid," she grumbled, stuffing it away in the rucksack she just so happened to have nearby.

"I never said you were," Itachi told her, "You're a very clever kunoichi, Elise, and that's why I love you." Only he said the whole thing in a deadpan so whatever dramatic effect might have been was lost.

"Itachi, go fuck your femmy little brother for all I care."

Itachi laughed, but due to his deadpan it sounded more like the giant red mecha from FMP that goes 'ho ho ho.' "Your sarcasm is what makes you so endearing. Why would I rape my little bro when I can have you?"

"I don't know, Itachi, why would you?"

"Ho ho ho," said Itachi. Elise was strongly reminded of FMP. "I'll answer that question after you return and we are wed."

"Itachi—"

"Elise." Gently, the Uchiha traced his fingers across the curve of her cheek. "Elise. Elise. Elise. My enticing little Eurasian."

"I'm Chinese."

"Even better. You know I like foreign women."

She took a deep breath. Stay calm. In and out. Meditation. Hyuuga complex. "I don't know how many times I've said this already, but I have no interest in marrying you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mission to do."

Picking up her rucksack, Elise turned to go off and ninja in the night, but there was a sudden sharp pain in her wrist. Glancing down, she saw her thin wrist in Itachi's hand, his sharp nails digging into the skin.

If his voice was deadpan before, it was a scary deadpan now. "You go on your mission, but you come back to me. If you abandon your mission, we will kill you. If you abandon the Akatsuki, we will kill you. And if you refuse to marry me again—" His eyes flickered to display the Mangekyou Sharingan. "I'll mind rape you."

On that cryptic note, he released her and returned to his normal monotony. "No, off before dusk settles."

Biting back the urge to ask who the hell said 'dusk' anymore, Elise picked up her rucksack and set off for The Hidden Village of the Leaves. Glancing back once, she saw Sharkboy waving merrily and Itachi holding up a piece of paper with the words 'mind rape' hastily scrawled on. Cursing, Elise walked on. Uchihas were so mean.