Rating: PG for language.
Disclaimer: There are no ways to count just how totally these characters are not mine. Fortunately for them...
Spoilers: First several episodes of season 7.
Author's Notes: I have no idea where this came from. It came to me in the shower this evening. Any plot is purely coincidental... and I also possibly have a fever, so any coherency is also entirely coincidental. There's supposed to be funny in here somewhere, though.
CJ turned the corner and ran straight into Toby.
Stumbling back, she stared at him, openmouthed, and called to the nearest security guard. "Why was he let into the building?" she questioned harshly.
The officer took a quick look and raised his eyebrows a little in spite of himself. "I don't know, ma'am. Sir, can you come with me, please?" he asked, moving to take Toby's arm.
"What?" Toby took a wary step back. "It's me, Toby. What the hell's the matter with you people?"
"Sir, you need to leave the building now, please," the guard insisted.
Toby continued protesting, and CJ followed them down the hallway, drawn by something she couldn't point to or define. Without regard for her schedule, she followed all the way to the main gate, standing inside as Toby was escorted out.
Toby came running up. "What are you doing?" he yelled.
"Who are you?" Toby demanded.
"You're not supposed to be here, idiot."
"I'm sorry, you're calling who stupid, exactly?"
CJ watched in astonishment and some alarm as the two identical men launched themselves at one another. As they were pulled apart, she reached for her phone.
"Margaret? Can you put off my meetings, please? Something's come up that's going to require my attention for the rest of the day."
She made a mental note of which Toby was the one she'd run into as she let herself out of the main gate.
------------
"He's who?" she asked the 'new' Toby an hour later.
"You heard me," he grumped, holding an ice pack to his temple.
"I really didn't, 'cause there was... I was distracted by a thing."
"How inconvenient for you."
"Toby... who is he?"
He sighed. "Tony."
"Tony."
"Yeah."
"Okay." She paused. "Toby, what the hell-"
"What do you want from me, CJ?" he exploded at the look on her face. "He's my brother. What do you want from me?"
"You didn't think maybe the FBI or, you know, the Secret Service needed to know about this at some point?" she queried, laden with sarcasm.
"He was supposed to be in Siberia or someplace!"
"Well, obviously he had friends, 'cause he wound up here!" CJ glared. "An evil twin, Toby? An EVIL TWIN! That's the biggest breach of security since--I can't even think of since when!"
"Probably never. And stop yelling," he requested, slouching down a little bit more.
"I've been working with your evil twin for how long?"
"I don't know, I was stuck in a time warp or something, CJ!"
"Probably not more than a couple of years..." she mused.
Toby jumped off the bed.
"Years? The twins, the 2006 campaign, I missed Andi's midterm election, a State of the Union..." he rubbed his forehead frantically.
"That does explain why you really did none of those things, though."
"I didn't write a State of the Union? Where the hell were Sam and Will?"
"Who are Sam and Will?" she sniped.
Toby clutched his head. "Oh... my God." He looked up at CJ. "How old are the twins now?"
"Nobody really knows, Toby, because we haven't seen them or Andi in a couple of years!"
With a thump, Toby sat back down and flopped onto the bed, grunting in pain as his head connected. "Why was I escorted out?" he finally asked.
CJ looked away. "You leaked classified information to the press," she said finally. "You were fired about a month ago."
"I did WHAT!" he thundered, still holding his head in pain.
"That's what I thought too," she said quietly.
"Well, wait, what? How'd you know what..."
"I'm Chief of Staff. Leo had a heart attack and could only work part-time. Josh is running a campaign; Will was running Russell's campaign, now he's got your job. Donna is probably in the same campaign as Josh, Leo's a VP candidate..."
"Culture shock. I'm having culture shock, CJ."
"Yeah." She folded her arms.
"Where's Sam?"
"Sam who?" she asked blankly.
Toby threw his hands up in the air. "Can I at least have my job back?" he requested.
"No. But I'll see what I can do about something else," she tossed off, turning for the door.
------------------
The next night, as CJ was heading out, she saw a shadow in the Roosevelt Room. She cautiously opened the door and stepped in.
The shadow raised his head.
"This room is named for Theodore Roosevelt," he said softly.
"Sam!" she gasped, grinning.
"Yeah."
"What are you doing here?"
"I work here."
"Not since the special election for the California 47th, you don't."
"Oh, that. He lost."
"Sam, he won by about 50 votes or something. A dead guy won. You went and ran in the special election," she reminded, tilting her head and smiling faintly with confusion.
"CJ, he really lost."
"Okay. Where's the white padded room?"
"CJ?"
"Sam, I haven't seen you in three and a half years. You can't have been working here all this time. I need a padded room, or you do."
Sam reached across the table and switched a lamp on. "Mallory creamed me right outside the room. Whack, she took me down... CJ, I'm sorry, but what have you been doing to yourself? The Press Corps isn't that nasty."
She sighed. "Not again. First Toby and his evil twin, now you... I'm Chief of Staff, Sam."
Sam's lips parted in surpise. "Toby and his evil twin?"
She waved a hand. "Something from yesterday. Major, major confusion."
"I'll say. And where's Leo?"
"VP candidate... long story."
"Wow. That's something I never thought I'd see." He sat back in his chair.
"So, Sam, where have you been?"
"Here, or what I thought was here." He smiled vaguely up at CJ. "I pulled in Will Bailey for speechwriting, we nearly lost Hoynes to a sex scandal, we got shot at again, Zoey was kidnapped, the President was out of it for a little while and the government got shut down, we were creative with the Supreme Court, I got stuck in a room with Toby during a lockdown, we convinced the President to throw the opening pitch, there was a bombing in Gaza while a CODEL was there, but Fitzwallace was the only one we knew who was killed or injured, Middle East peace is slowly being worked on..." he trailed off, shrugging.
"Donna wasn't in the CODEL?" CJ asked.
"No, why would she be? Not that Josh would have let her out of his sight for that long, let alone right after their honeymoon..."
CJ's jaw dropped. "They what?"
"They're very cute, so's the baby."
She sat down.
"And Leo's still Chief of Staff?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"Sounds like the West Wing I want to work in," she said.
"I can only imagine what this one is like. So, Toby and evil twin?"
CJ actually chuckled. "It turns out that the Toby I've been working with the past couple of years wasn't Toby at all, but his evil twin Tony."
"Tony Ziegler," Sam mused. "They kind of sound the same."
"Sam..."
"No, I mean you could get them mixed up... that's probably how he did it."
"Sam," she moaned, hands to her head.
"Sorry."
"Ms. Cregg? There's a Toby Ziegler for you at the main gate," a guard said.
"Okay," she sighed. "The real one?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Want to come along, Sam?"
He shrugged. "Sure."
-------------
"Hi," Toby said as they came out.
"Toby, I'm working on it, but..."
"What?" he said.
CJ took a step back. "Oh, my God," she declared. "You're not Toby; you're Tony. Security!"
"I bribed them," he said smugly.
"You can't bribe them."
"You'll never know, since they're not here anymore," he said smugly.
Sam tugged at CJ's sleeve. "Look," he said.
The guardhouse at the gate looked like... yes. No. It was a pumpkin.
"I wanted you to know," Tony said, "who it was that had beaten you."
"See, you shouldn't say anything, because then you give yourself away," Sam said sharply.
"Sam," CJ hissed.
Tony rounded on the younger man and approached him. Sam took a step back, eyes wide.
"Sam!" Tony bellowed. "You never heard what happened to your father, did you?"
"He's a cheater," Sam snapped.
"No, Sam! NO!" Tony tugged at his shoulders, and a black cape came cascading down. "No, Sam! I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Sam whimpered. "That can't be true," he protested, stepping backwards until he came into contact with the fence, which was now bearing an unfortunate resemblance to a Cloud City door.
"It is!" He turned to CJ. "Marry me, CJ, and together we can rule the world as husband and wife! None shall stand before us! None shall know our power behind the throne!"
"We're a democracy," CJ replied.
And made a raspberry at him.
Tony stepped back, and Sam looked up from where he was clinging to the fence.
"How dare you give me the raspberry?" Tony howled. "How DARE YOU!"
"Shove it up your ass!" CJ exploded. "And I'll give you as many raspberries as I please!"
Sam reached into his briefcase.
Suddenly, Mandy jumped at Tony, who took a step back, arms pinwheeling, face an expression of horror.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yesssssssssss!" she exclaimed, tackling him, rolling and rolling until they fell off the curb...
And vanished.
CJ took a deep breath, looking carefully around.
Sam slowly let go of the fence and stood up. "Whew," he said shakily.
"You had Mandy in your briefcase?" she demanded, eyes narrowed.
"Yeah," he shrugged sheepishly. "I didn't know either, until-"
"Never mind, Sam. I don't want to know." She turned back to the White House.
The guard house was still a pumpkin.
"Is that cheese?" Sam squinted at the pillars.
"Looks like." CJ carefully opened the gate. "Is that a jar of jam on top of the White House?" she asked, pointing.
"Yeah. And that looks like a sensor dish. Kinda fits in, though..."
They both blinked and shook their heads.
"What is a vacuum cleaner doing on top of the White House?" Sam finally asked.
"It's a Mega-Maid..." CJ mused, staring. "Is it for when we move out?" she wondered.
"I don't want to know," Sam decided, as they started walking again.
"So, where'd they go?" CJ asked him.
"Hmm?"
"Tony and Mandy. Where'd they go?"
"I'm not sure."
"Sam."
"CJ, it's a bad place... it's not a good out-loud word."
"I think I can take it after the real crazy stuff, Sam."
"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you." He took a deep breath.
"Warn me about what?"
"The name. It tends to have an unusual effect on people. They scream and go insane and possibly vanish themselves."
"I'm a key character. I'm not going to vanish."
"Okay. The place... the thing."
"Yeah. What's it called?"
"Mandyville."