Title: Stork Mail
Author: Kiarene
Pairings: Harry/Draco
Rating: R
Summary: "Harrreee," Draco pouted. "Come here and help me summon the stork."
Utter crack. A drabble.
Published: 17th Feb 2006
Disclaimer: Not mine. sighs

Stork Mail

"Let's have a baby!" Draco announced suddenly one night, just as they had finished sex and were getting ready for bed. He was sparkling with post-coital afterglow, and looking too entirely cheerful.

"What?" Harry spluttered. "How?"

Draco eyed his husband oddly. "What do you mean, how? The usual way of course!"

"But you're… a guy! Er. We're both guys!" Harry flailed his arms, hands flapping in the general direction of their crotches.

"So?" Draco looked nonplussed.

That stopped Harry short. Maybe the Wizarding world had spells or potions for male pregnancy? He paused, brow wrinkling.

He thought about having a kid, a mini-Harry running around, with messy dark hair and large green eyes. He would teach his son to fly and wave his wand… Hey, that would be fun. Or maybe a mini-Draco, small and pretty and blond.

Harry's eyes glazed over, his grin loopy. "Okay."

"You know, when I thought about having a baby, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind," Harry muttered.

"How else are wizarding babies made?" Draco asked in a puzzled voice. He had spread out his cloak on the stone slab and lay on his back, already naked.

Harry looked upwards towards Mount Preggers, normally invisible to both Muggles and underage Wizards and Witches. It looked like a usual sort of mountain, conical and all, if a little… bloated at the sides. Odd shape, that.

"And when did you say the stork would be making the delivery with the egg again?" Harry asked in a strangled voice, his eyes looking a little wild.

"Two weeks. The storks should learn something from the owl postal service," Draco complained. He spread his legs and began preparing himself.

Harry's eyes grew larger and even wilder at that sight.

"Harrreee," Draco pouted. "Come here and help me summon the stork."

Blinking bemusedly at the utter weirdness of it all, Harry did just that.

Some time later…

"Harry, I don't feel so good," Draco moaned as he staggered out from the bathroom. His face was pale and sweaty.

Wrinkling his nose, Harry quickly muttered a spell to dissipate the sour smell of vomit. "Was it something you ate?"

"Probably," Draco sighed. "But for four days in a row?"

Harry squinted down at his husband. "Er, Draco love. Don't hit me, but… are you putting on a little bit of weight?"

"What!" Draco looked outraged. He ran his hand over his tummy. "Bite your tongue Harry Potter! I'm as svelte as… ever…" He trailed off with a look of horror, and then he ran to their mirror and yanked up his shirt.

"It's only a tiny, tiny bit," Harry was quick to reassure his distraught blond. And it was. Just a tiny, tiny bump.

"I can't be putting on weight! I mean, Malfoys are genetically incapable of putting on weight!" Draco wailed. "I must be sick or something, yes, that's it!"

Harry hid his amusement. Privately, he thought Draco looked even more delectable than ever.

"Harry!" Draco commanded, pointed to his tummy. "Do a diagnostic spell or something."

"Yes dear." Harry got out their medi-wand, already preloaded with common medi-spells. At first he cast the usual diagnostic spells jovially, more to placate the agitated blond than anything else. Then, watching the color glows and readings around Draco's tummy, his smile faded and he started to look a little worried.

"What? What?" Draco looked panicky.

"Er, hang on." Harry thought a little, and then cast a See-Thru spell. He blinked. "Draco dear… I think you're pregnant."

"Of course we are. We got the egg by stork post the other week, didn't we?" Draco said impatiently.

"No, I mean, I think you're pregnant. Look," Harry pointed to the image floating above Draco's belly.

There, nestled amidst Draco's internal bits, was a little sac. And inside the little sac, curled up and tiny, was a little fetus.

Draco stared down dumbly at the image. "I can't be…"

"Well, now that we know that nothing's wrong with you, would you like some breakfast?" Harry asked cheerfully. "And shall I arrange for a medi appointment after that?"

"What? No!" Draco looked mortified. He placed his hands over his middle protectively, and the image dissipated like smoke. "I can't let anyone know about it!"

Harry was puzzled. "Why not?"

"Pregnant like a muggle?" Draco screwed up his face in a sneer. "No decent wizard or witch would find themselves in such a predicament."

"Witches, er and Wizards, don't get pregnant?" Harry asked.

"Of course not."

Harry thought about it. Well, it was true that even though he had been living in the Wizarding world for over ten years, he had never seen a pregnant witch. Odd, that.

"But, how would you hide it? You'll grow bigger and robes can only hide so much," Harry pointed out logically.

"I'll simply use glamours and concealment charms," Draco nodded decisively. He drew close his robes.

"How would you deliver the baby?"

"I'm sure there are spells for to remove, er, stuff inside one's body. And I'll take a leave of absence from work," Draco said primly. He eyed his husband sternly. "The point is, Harry, that no one can know about this, understand? It's just does. Not. Happen in Wizarding society. Babies are only delivered by stork mail. You hear me?"

Harry felt dazed. "Ok."

And in another house some distance away…

"It's perfectly natural, Ron!"

"No it isn't! No witch has ever gotten pregnant like a muggle, Mione! Look, we'll just use charms to hide it until the baby is born, ok?"

End