She didn't understand. He said he was numb. He said pain was better than nothing at all. She said it was impossible to feel nothing. He told her she couldn't understand innless she went through it. She asked why he couldn't stop. He said it was like a drug. She begged him to help her understand. He said he hoped she never did; he wouldn't wish this on anybody. She couldn't sleep any night that week.
She never told anybody. Maybe it was stupid, but he was her friend. He said it made him feel, and she decided it was like happiness. He was unhappy, and it made him feel better. So she didn't tell. But she worried. She worried about what could happen, such as his hand slipping or infection. She started inspecting him and making sure they were clean. He didn't argue much.
Her life was going down faster then she thought possible. One month from the next varied in a way she would have deemed inconceivable only a week before. She was torn between crying and screaming; food wouldn't stay down even if she managed to eat and sleep evaded her. Eventually, she stopped. She still didn't eat and couldn't sleep, but she couldn't cry or scream anymore. She felt emotionless. She felt numb.
She remembered what he had said, so she tried it. The rush of emotions came back quickly, and she gasped in a mixture of pain and relief. She didn't tell him though. She was afraid of what he would say when she had been so hypocritical. She went to it more often as it stopped its effectiveness. She began to go deeper. She began to understand.
Suddenly though it stopped working. The pain inside could no longer be quieted by the silver blade. The red blood seemed to run more freely and more often; her arm was adorned in red lines. She wondered what you were supposed to do when you hit the rock-bottom of rock-bottom. So she cut one last time, and called him. She apologized and said she would always love him. He was her best friend no matter what. He didn't understand. She hoped he never did.
She swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and awoke nine hours later in the hospital. Two hours after that she was sent to the place that would haunt her nightmares for years to come. They told her to talk. She remained stoic. They asked her why she did it. She didn't say a word. They said she would never leave if she didn't start saying something. So she talked in riddles and told lies. She made them believe she would never do it again; that she understood there were other options. She smiled sweetly when they released her, and touched the cuts that marked her thighs.
He didn't understand. She told him cutting didn't work anymore. She said death was better than numbness. He said death wasn't better. She said he couldn't understand innless he went through it. He asked her to help him understand. She laughed, feeling déjà vu, and said she hoped he never understood. He sighed and turned away.
He had hit the place she had been before. She knew by his voice over the phone and the words he said. She said she'd never forget him, but why was he making her say it? He said she was an amazing friend. She said she was confused. He laughed and told her goodnight. She choked up as she attempted to repeate the words and thought.
She thought about telling him how bad it was, to feel your heart stop beating and your vision turn black. She thought about telling him how she can't swallow pills now, because she remembers. She thought she could say about how she still cuts sometimes, when she feels like she can't control her life. At least she can control how her body looks. She even thought she'd tell him how she wakes up from nightmares, drenched in sweat and shaking all over, even after a year. She thought about it, and then realized it was something he'd have to figure out on his own.
So she replied to his goodnight and hung up the phone. She sighed heavily and decided Life was probably having a nice laugh with Destiny, Fate, and Karma somewhere at her expense. She decided it didn't really matter. She picked up a knife, and then sighed and sat it back down. She decided five minutes was long enough. Then she picked up the phone and called an ambulance to his address.