Things I must not do at Hogwarts

''Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang'' is not actually a spell.

I will not say 'Bless you' every time somebody mentions Quidditch.

When applying for my Ministry for Magic job, 'Fred and George Weasley' is not acceptable as my greatist influence at Hogwarts.

Neither is 'Voldemort'.

I may keep a rat, cat, toad or owl. I may not keep a piranha, Tasmanian devil, reticulated python, or snow leopard.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy professor what the square root of -1 is.

I will not refer to the Hippogriff as 'Horseybird'.

It is not funny to dress up as Voldemort and tell Harry Potter that I am his father.

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

Sweeping out the common room with Harry Potter's Firebolt is not amusing.

I may not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

Crucifixes are not used to ward off Slytherins, nor should I test that.

Adding 'says the Prophecy' will not earn me extra credit in Divination class.

The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first-years to it on the new moon.

I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as Charlotte.

When I see Dobby, I will not mention anything about 'Masssster' or 'Preciousssssss'.

Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will never use my wand to hang a tempting piñata on the branches of the Whomping Willow.

The song 'Ding dong, the witch is dead' is never, ever approptiate.

On the way to see Professor Dumbledore, I will not sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz' while skipping.

I am definitely not to sing it with the house elves as backing vocals.

Especially not with kazoos.

It is not funny to make a slinky go from the top floor of the Astronomy Tower to ground level.

Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is totally wrong.

So is asking him if I can pet his flying monkeys.

When called upon in a class, I will not insist the answer to the question is '42'.

Professor Snape's birth name is not Glittery Silvermoon Fairysparkle McPrincess II.

No part of the school uniform is edible.

Professor Lupin is not addicted to chocolate and I will stop implying that he is.

I will not attempt to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

It is not funny to concoct a postion following the instructions backwards, 'just to see what happens'.

I will not introduce myselves to the first-years as The Dark Lord's son.

The sword of Godric Gryffindor is not to be used to patrol the hallways.

Professor Snape does not desire shampoo, laundry detergent or tothpaste for his birthday of Christmas.

No combination of these is acceptable.

There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree.

I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or "Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.

I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's Prefect badge to holler 'I'm in love with myself!' every time it senses movement.

I will not sign up to the Summer Olympics on a Hippogriff to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian category.

I will not spread rumors that Draco Malfoy started the Hug-A-Muggle Campaign.

If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and yell, 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'

I will not attempt to convince first-years that the new password to the Gryffindor common room is 'Petrificus Totalus' and should be recited with their wands pointing at themselves.

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons do not interbreed and I should not challenge this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

I will not start a Howler chain-letter saying 'Your life will be cursed for seven years if you don't forward this message to ten students within fifteen minutes'.

I am not allowed to convince Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is to own a pit-bull terrier called Ripper.

I will not set Ravenclaws the task of calculating the exact value of Pi.

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts.

I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

If I insist on carrying out my plans of 'Riddle-dee-dee: The Voldemort Musical', I will do so under a pen name.

Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

I will not suggest to the house elves how much sushi could be made out of the giant squid.

I will not conjure the words 'DRINK ME' onto the label of any vial in Professor Snape's classroom.

I will not insist upon adding a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not a potion brewer, and this is only funny a few times.

I will not use my socks to make mocking hand-puppets of the Slytherin mascot.

Starting a flash mob of 'Time Warp' in the Great Hall will not earn me any extra House Points.

There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of that house, nor am I the founder.

I will not claim that my X-Files videos are 'Auror Training Videos'.

It is not funny to dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

It is forbidden to charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of Puff the Magic Dragon.

I will not tell Sir Cadogen that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel, and then have students yell 'Ni!' from various directions.

I will not claim that Molly Weasley is the second leading cause of deaths in the UK.

Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch will not be improved by the use of Muggle firearms.

I will not start a Kentucky Fried Owl under any circumstances.

I will not produce mass copies of the Marauder's Map.

It is not aceptable to throw first-years out of the window and then claim that they wanted freedom.

It is forbidden to tell Griphook that you have put the Sword of Gryffindor up on eBay.

I will not offer to sell a pair of Inferi to Hollywood for the next Steven Spielberg movie.

It was never funny to create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it 'Voldy's Angels'.

I will not present Professor Umbridge with a bottle of flies, no matter how hungry she appears to be.