Author's Note: Hi, all! I dedicate this to Jilian, who continues to blow me away with amazing fic and just her friendship in general. I owe a lot of people reviews because I got sidetracked writing this, and now that it's posted I will definitely be getting to that. Sorry for the delay!
Dummy Date by Kate811
For the billionth time since that afternoon, CC Babcock wondered what the hell she was doing. Then, she immediately reasoned with herself that she was the only one behaving like a rational adult. Then, she wondered what the hell Niles was doing.
It was this train of thought that played on constant loop in her mind as she drove to the restaurant he had selected. She maneuvered her car expertly into a spot, put it in park, and checked her reflection in her compact mirror, ensuring her lipstick was smudge-free and not a hair was out of place. Then she wondered why the hell she cared. It was Niles. Niles.
He'd been acting like a complete idiot for the past week, which wasn't saying much, since CC always thought he acted like a complete idiot. But he was being an idiot more so than usual. Partnering with Nanny Fine to produce a play, racking up a fortune in fines for Sheffield-Babcock Productions, and then of course the cherry on top: blurting out a marriage proposal to her. She didn't know why he did it, going back and forth between wondering if it was the pièce de résistance of pranks or if he was having some sort of karma-induced nervous breakdown. She'd wanted to forget the whole night had even happened, but he came to her and asked her to dinner. He had looked so pitiful and she was genuinely curious for some answers, so she'd agreed.
Somewhere between leaving work and going home and getting ready, it dawned on CC that marriage proposals usually meant some sort of feelings were involved. She was sure that was what Nanny Fine had been yammering on about all day long, but CC had long since stopped retaining anything Nanny Fine ever said to her. She couldn't lie to herself, the thought of Niles having feelings for her piqued her interest. There were times when they had definitely been flirty with one another, there were times when they genuinely enjoyed each others company, and she caught him staring at her chest at least once a day…still, if he thought randomly proposing marriage out of nowhere was the answer, CC suddenly felt badly for thinking Maxwell was the dumbest man she knew.
She snapped her compact shut and put it back in her purse, when her fingers grazed the recorder she kept there for business meetings and table reads … or for recording Maxwell to trick Niles into doing ridiculous tasks.
She thought about all the times Niles had humiliated her. She thought about the few times she had come out victorious in their daily battles. She thought about how she still wasn't convinced this whole thing wasn't some sort of elaborate scheme to ruin her life.
It wouldn't hurt to record their night, in case he decided to be an ass and she needed leverage down the road. But there was the small chance he really wanted this, that he really did have feelings for her, or whatever.
She decided to play it by ear, keeping the recorder in her purse but not hitting the button unless he deserved it.
She left her car and entered the restaurant. She scanned dining area, spotting him almost immediately. He was kind of hard to miss among the happy, chatty restaurant patrons as he sank lower and lower in his chair, elbows on table, head resting in his hands. And, of course, that stupid pout disgracing his features. God, she hated that pout. He looked like a prisoner on death row about to have his last meal with the person administering the lethal injection.
Well, if that was how he was going to be, then fine by her! She reached inside her purse, flicked the power button on her recorder, and stomped over to his table.
"Let's just get this over with," CC said as she took off her coat, sat down, and snapped her fingers motioning for the waiter.
"Hello to you, too," Niles greeted sullenly.
"What?" she asked distractedly as she perused the menu. "Oh. Hi."
"You know, we didn't have to do this."
"You asked me here," she pointed out.
Niles opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything, a whirl of bleach-blonde hair, too tan skin and —was that eyeliner? — appeared in front of them.
"Hi, I'm Bryant, I'll be your server this evening. Are we ready to order or do you need a few minutes?"
CC looked at Niles, who looked like he was getting ready for a root canal, and then at the waiter, who was blissfully unaware of the tension. "The sooner we order, the sooner this is over. We're ready to order, Bryan."
"Oh, actually, it's Bryant. With a T." Bryant said, flashing her a smile and revealing his blindingly white teeth.
CC stared up at him blankly. His smile rapidly faded.
"I'll have the filet mignon," she shot Niles a look, daring him to oppose. At least she could spend most of his paycheck and make him even more miserable. That gave her some comfort.
"Order whatever you want, I don't care," Niles said glumly and CC rolled her eyes. He could be such a drama queen.
"You know what would go really wonderfully with that steak?" She asked, looking at Bryant, but the challenging note in her voice clearly for Niles' benefit, "A nice lobster. Yep, throw one of those on top of there. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"
Bryant looked at her strangely and took down her order. She spared another glance at Niles, who was tracing lazy circles around the rim of his water glass.
Well, what fun was it if he wasn't going to fight back?
She exhaled slowly and decided to let him off the hook. "You know, on second thought...I'll have chicken piccata."
"Will you marry me?" Niles blurted out suddenly.
Bryant gasped and jumped up and down excitedly. Niles groaned and put his head in his hands. CC sighed as indifferently as she could manage.
"You'll have to excuse my friend. He has a mental condition where he strings random words together and just blurts them out. We're gonna need some wine over here when you get a minute. Your house red is fine. And he'll also have the chicken."
Bryant shot them another look before leaving, and CC mentally deducted 5% from his tip.
"Chicken piccata?" Niles asked.
"You didn't appear to be in any shape to order. Plus, you like chicken piccata."
Bryant returned and filled their wine glasses. CC did him a favor and grabbed the bottle from his hand. "We'll just keep this here." She gave him her least genuine smile and waved him away.
"You really have a way with the help," Niles remarked sarcastically.
"Judging from your two proposals, I'd say so."
"Do we have to discuss this right now?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. Please, let's save it for dessert! That'll be much more romantic!" She batted her eyelashes at him sweetly and he sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Why did you even agree to this dinner?"
She was momentarily caught off guard, the glass of wine tipped precariously towards her mouth as her hand froze midair. She took a delicate sip of her drink, and cleared her throat, attempting to regain her composure.
"Morbid curiosity."
That seemed to appease Niles for a few moments as he glanced uncomfortably around the restaurant.
The curiosity got the best of her. "You didn't actually expect me to say yes, did you," she said it more as a statement than a question.
He looked startled for a moment before getting his bearings. "I've never known you to turn down a meal. Why start now?"
"Not dinner, you jackass. The proposals," she said, adding extra emphasis on the s to piss him off.
"Oh. I don't know. No," he said simply. Infuriatingly.
"No?"
"No."
She watched him through narrowed eyes as he stared back, his own eyes wide and innocent. They sipped their drinks and let the silence grow awkward and uncomfortable. Finally, just when the tension was beginning to get unbearable, Bryant returned carrying their food.
"Two chicken piccatas," he said as he placed the plates in front of them with a flourish. "Will that be all?"
"Yes, thank-" CC started, already cutting into her chicken, when Niles interrupted.
"MARRY ME!"
He said it loud enough that those at the surrounding turned in their direction, excited at the prospect of getting to watch a romantic proposal. Dinner and a show! She heard ooh's and aah's throughout the room and enthusiastic whispers from the crowd. Niles was no help, having made himself busy pouring more wine into his glass.
"Okay, people, nothing to see here! Move it along, move it along. Back to your bruschetta," Bryant, apparently jaded from dealing with Niles and CC the few times he had, called to the crowd as he headed back toward the kitchen. CC mentally doubled his tip.
The crowd immediately relaxed back to their meals and mundane chatter.
CC dropped her utensils, letting them clatter loudly on her plate, reached across the table, and smacked Niles on the arm. "What the hell is the matter with you?" she asked through gritted teeth.
"I don't know," Niles groaned. "I can't help it. I've never been in this situation before."
"Yes, but you have interacted with humans before, haven't you? Stop asking me, I won't marry you, and call the waiter – my breasts are dry," she motioned to her plate and was stunned when such an easy setup went without comment. "Is this how it's gonna be now? You're either asking me to marry you or ignoring me?"
"I don't know how to talk to you anymore," he replied quietly.
She inhaled sharply and quickly masked the look of hurt on her face with one of anger. "Well that's great, Niles. That's just great. Twenty years of insults, fighting, putting me in a wheelchair twice, being able to count on one hand the number of times you were genuinely nice to me…and now this? Whatever the hell this," she said, motioning between the two of them with her hand, "even is."
"What do you think it is?"
"Dry chicken and a flamboyant waiter," she muttered, knowing full well what he meant but wanting to buy herself some time.
"Babcock."
"Oh fine," she relented. "I don't know what the hell this is, Niles. Some sort of colossal joke? Why else would you propose? It's not like you're in love with me."
She expected laughter or a barrage of insults. She did not expect silence.
"Niles? I said it's not like you're in love with me."
He let out a humorless laugh.
"Since when?" she asked.
"I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't," he admitted, rubbing his face tiredly.
"I don't understand," CC shook her head in disbelief. "You … you never said anything."
"When would you have had me say something?"
"Oh gee, I don't know. Maybe sometime in the twenty years we've known each other?"
"There was never a good time."
"There was—" CC laughed incredulously, "there was never a good time? No, yeah, you're right, Niles. You're absolutely right. You couldn't have told me after we kissed 3 years ago. Or when you escorted me to the Broadway Guild Awards. Or when you stupidly pretended to have feelings for Lynn Redgrave?! Or any of the other thousands of times we've talked or interacted throughout the years. No. You had to use my company to produce a lousy play, rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines, and then propose marriage out of the blue. That makes much more sense."
"And how, pray tell, would you have responded if I had told you after any of those moments?"
"That's not fair, Niles, and you know it," she bit out.
He nodded in understanding, a sad smile on his face. "I suppose you're right. Look, it doesn't matter now."
"It doesn't? Why not?"
Niles busied himself with wringing his napkin around his hands, refusing to make eye contact. "Because I'm leaving."
"Before dessert?" CC furrowed her brow in confusion. "And here I thought it was going so well."
"No, I'm leaving. I'm quitting the Sheffields."
A silence swept over the table, as CC sat stunned while Niles continued to look everywhere but at her.
When she finally found her voice, she choked out, "You're joking, right? This whole thing is a joke, isn't it?"
He finally made eye contact, giving her a pointed look. "Because I've been in such a joking mood lately."
"Could have fooled me," she shrugged. "The last 24 hours have read like a bad joke."
Niles shook his head forcefully. "It's not a joke. Did you really expect me to stay after all this? It's too hard."
"How was any of this hard for you?" She scoffed. "You proposed to me with no explanation and now you're leaving with barely an explanation. You're as lazy in your personal life as you are at doing your job. In fact…" she trailed off as a thought occurred to her.
"What?" Niles asked wearily.
"That's what this is really about. You're using this…this…whatever this is, as an excuse to leave. Quit being a butler, go do whatever the hell it is you always wanted to do before the family moves to California…now's your chance. And what better way to get out of here than blaming me for it? Everyone will remember it as poor, innocent Niles, and CC Babcock, the evil bitch who ran him out of Manhattan."
"That's not—"
She continued on as if she didn't hear him. "You didn't even make an effort tonight. You'd already made up your mind about how this was going to go."
"Let's stop pretending you actually give a damn, Babcock. Like you didn't have your mind made up from the time you got here? 'Let's just get this over with!'" he said, mimicking her mannerisms, complete with an upturned nose in the air. He reached into his suit jacket, presumably for his wallet.
CC held up a hand to stop him. "Oh, Niles, please. My treat. I insist. Think of it as a going away present," she said, tossing her platinum card down on the table.
That set him off. He threw his napkin on his plate and stood up swiftly, banging the table and rattling the dishes and silverware. Before she could ask what the hell he was doing, he stormed over to her side, grabbed her by her upper arms, and pulled her into a half-standing position, letting his mouth come crashing down on hers passionately She resisted at first, pounding her fists into his chest ineffectively. But he felt so good and she quickly melted into it, her legs turning to jelly and his grip on her arms the only thing keeping her semi-upright.
It was over too soon. Their lips parted, and Niles whispered smugly, "Think of it as a going away present." He let go of her arms and CC came crashing back down to her seat and reality.
"Go to hell, Niles," she spit out.
"Marry me, and I'll be there!"
She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "I'm sorry, was that another proposal?"
His face reddened angrily, but just as he was about to snap, their waiter interrupted them. "Is everything okay over here?" Bryant asked, his tone clearly implying that everyone was aware of how un-okay everything was.
"Yes," Niles said, "I was just leaving."
"Thank you for a truly wonderful evening, Niles. I will treasure it always," CC said sarcastically, tipping her wine glass at him in a mock toast.
Niles spared her one last angry look, gathered his things, and left. The feeling of victory she normally got upon getting the last word in with him didn't come.
"Well, I haven't seen that much sexual tension since the season finale of Sex and the City with Carrie and Big! So dish, girlfriend," Bryant said, grabbing a clean glass off the table behind him, sitting down across from CC, and pouring himself some wine.
She eyed him curiously. "I have no idea what most of the words in those sentences mean. What are you doing?"
"I'm on break. And I didn't think you should be drinking alone after a dramatic scene like that. It seemed a little too Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf to me," he explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"It's just…he proposed out of nowhere, after fighting with me every day for 20 years. He almost ruined my business by trying to produce a crummy play in some misguided attempt to impress me and yes I'm a Broadway producer, no I don't want your headshot so I can cast you as Male Dancer #7 in my next show, yes I'm sure," she said all in one breath, watching Bryant's face go from hopeful starlet back to cynical waiter by the time she was finished talking.
"Fine, but you don't know what you're missing," he singsonged. "Maybe I'll just slip you my demo cassette when you're not looking. My recording of I Dreamed a Dream moved the director at the Schenectady Playhouse to tears."
At that, CC perked up. "Recording…I completely forgot! Bryan, you're a genius!"
"It's Bryant."
"Whatever," she was no longer paying attention, rummaging through her purse until she found her recorder. "Aha!"
"Oh, fabulous! So you want me to go get my tape?" Bryant clapped his hands together excitedly.
"What?" she looked at him confusedly. "No. He thinks he can completely upend my life, kiss me senseless, and then just leave me to deal with the fallout? I'll show him!"
"I literally have no idea what you're talking about," Bryant sulked. "This sucks. I didn't get any juicy gossip AND I didn't get discovered by some big shot Broadway producer. This break has been a letdown."
She rolled her eyes, digging in her purse once again. "Oh fine, here's my business card. Mail me your résumé and your headshot. If you don't completely suck, we'll consider you."
"Yay!" he clapped his hands again. "I think this calls for a toast."
She rewound the recorder until she found the right moment: Niles' pathetic voice like music to her ears. 'Will you marry me?'
"To revenge," CC said, raising her wine glass.
Bryant sighed dramatically. "Oh, I was going to say something cute like 'To new friends and dreams coming true!' But I guess your way is fine or whatever."
"Shut up, Bryan."
He didn't correct her. She doubled his tip again. The pair clinked glasses and downed the rest of the wine. Bryant spotted his manager glowering at him from the kitchen, and so the break was over. He gave CC an air kiss, and the two scheduled plans for brunch sometime in the coming weeks. It was, without a doubt, the weirdest night CC could recall having in a long time.
She gathered up her things, looking at the recorder thoughtfully one last time before placing it back in her purse. It was a weird night, but her parting words to Niles were true: it was a night she truly would always treasure.