This Woman's Work
Author's Notes: Inspired by Kate Bush's song... Love the song, and in expectation of season 3 beginning I needed to create a McKonno moment, to fill in the undoubtedly swift explanation they will come up for the ending of Season 2 - So spoilers if you've yet to see it - Where you been? ;) Get with the program!
Here goes, one off, no plans for chapters!
Steve's POV
Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Oooh it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the Father.
Sitting by her, seeing her so still. It's weird, She always moving, giddy with excitement, revved up ready to go, dancing and leaping around the table, when break through info comes through on a case. Here though she is still, her chest raising and falling with the aid of a ventilator, tubes and canula's cover her, the sounds of beeps and buzzes sernade her. She looks so fragile, so frail, so thin, so grey. Her hand in mine, so small, so withered, he hair lifeless, her shine and sun kissed tones gone.
It's been three week's since we found her washed up on Manana Island unconscious, she had been missing for 2 days.
Once Chin had Malia safely at the hospital he had been able to call me. He'd called Adam, her ex - of a kind, who at the time had more resources than he could come up with without forcing Delano into following through with his promise to distroy his family. Sadly even Adam couldn't find her that night. I got the call from Danny at 9pm the next day (2am their time), I still remember the call so vividly in my mind, my heart sank to the pit of my belly.
...
"Steve, we can't find her, she's been gone to long, Chin's beside himself, Malia's fighting for her life, and I'm barely keeping it together. We can't lose her, we just got her back. Steve you gotta get back here..." Danny rambled hoarsely.
"What? Who? Danny what's the matter? Your not making sense. What's happened to Malia?"
"Delano was behind Fryer's murder and he then blackmailed Chin by taking both Malia and Kono hostage in order to get him released from prison. He shot Malia, and we can't find Kono... I don't think she made, she's lost at sea Steve..." Cried Danny.
"WHAT? WHAT? HOW? But we caught the shooter, how did this happen. I'm coming home, Kono's a good swimmer if she's been thrown in the ocean there's still a chance Danny, she is more confident in the water than most Navy Seal's I know. We're not going to loose her, not this time, I will not let it happen. I'll see you at the airport in 9 hours and we'll sieve the whole Pacific if we have to." I sensed my voice was strained and cracked, no doubt due to the resent 24 hours of talking to my Mom, but the now the added of stress of the possibility of a missing Kono, I was struggling myself to dissolve all the emotion I was feeling right now.
"What about Shelbourne though? I know you need to be there, i just needed to hear your voice and know that you were ok too. Look, Chin and I would understand if you needed more time, I realise I sounded a little desperate before... but in all honesty what can we do anyway. Between sitting on a boat or being at the hospital with Chin, I feel useless, the search is useless at night. The Coast Guards are discussing calling it to and end till day light breaks again.." Danny spoke a lot more calmer and almost sounding resigned to the outcome.
"Danny, you did the right thing, there is no way in hell I wouldn't come back. Shelbourne is a little clearer, but don't worry there is plenty of time to worry about that. You guys are my family, I'm already heading to the airport. Kono's going to be fine, she has to be." The last part of the statement was more to myself than to him.
...
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I had spent most of the flight back pulling in all the favours I had, everyone I knew who had a boat was out there searching, all the satellites available looking for signs of life or heat patterns in the water. I tried not to think of what could be, this wasn't going to end badly, this couldn't end badly. Hadn't she been through enough already, her life had barely begun, she had purpose a plan and wealth of opportunity ahead of her... to have it taken away would be a waste to her to everyone. I pleaded/argued with whoever may be hearing my thoughts to give us a break, reasoning with them that she was valuable to his fight as well as my own. After all hadn't we all sacrificed enough already?
Danny was at the hanger barely recognizable, his hair in disoray, his shirt creased, torn and crumpled and grease stained, his face worn and worried and ghost pale. I guess I was looking pretty bad as his own face looked at me with concern. We hugged firmly and headed to the car and to the hospital straight away, barely talking, worried that either one of us would crumble. Right now we needed to be with Chin to reassure ourselves that we were still and family, even with one of us missing. Danny managed to fill me in on what little I didn't know, right now it was just the waiting game to either find her or her her her body, her her remains? We were both thinking it, but refused to mention the possible outcome.
Chin was a mess both physically and mentally, barely struggling to formulate any sentance, and crumpled man, so lost, so grieved, so heavy laden with his own blame. Questions began, and unfinshed..
"What if.. Maybe I... I should of... When did I... Which one...?" and then silence, just eyes wide looking up for answers, red rimmed eyes, eyes that always had been the reasoning eyes the calm eyes the one guy that held us together allowed us all to make mistakes and accept that we'd be back on track. This man, this great man was broken before me, a realisation that brought a lump to my throat.
"Chin, I'm going to go out there and bring her back. She's strong, she's brave, she know's how to handle the Ocean, the Ocean loves her and wouldn't harm her. You take care of Malia, and I'll keep you posted, we're not going to lose her, not like this we can't, I can't.." I stopped before I broke down myself. I walked away.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking.
...
"3 weeks Kono! Your really cutting into your annual holiday's." I try to talk to her to communicate the light hearted Steve I know she loves. I see the way her eyes twinkle, when Danny and I banter, when we both find something funny, her whole faces relaxes when her family is around and when we are happy. "You promised me a long weekend hiking to the caves, that's another day off... you'll be working Christmas at this rate, and don't think we'll be coming in to spend it with you doing paperwork." Although her lids are closed he eyes dart around so fast, the doctors says that its a good thing, that she is slowly coming back, that dreams have returned. Oh no, not dreams, I recall my own dreams at times of high anxiety, the way her eyes dart about liking she looking for something, desperate to find her way back.
All I can do is hold her hand tightly and kiss her wrist, rubbing circles in her palms, reassuring her that someone is here, I am here. Danny forces me to leave atleast an hour most days, but other than that my new office is located on this chair. I tried to work at the headquarters, but my mind was elsewhere .. here, with her, as it should be. The governor gave me special dispensation to re-locate, he knew it was futile to argue, my stubborn streak would only land him with out a Commander and after a few awol, he has just to the conclusion to let me do my think and know that I'm there when it counts. Not that there is much to do anyway... we are barely functioning. Chin is seldom away from Malia, who although is now home is still taking a while to recouperate. Danny is doing his best to delegate cases to the Police or offer assisstance, but he also feels a pull to be with either Chin or Kono, not to mention Grace, his tug or war battle with Rachel is sapping him of all his energy and his desperation to spend as much time with Grace as possible, even if it means Grace is often with us here reading stories to Kono, or making Chicken soup for Malia. No-one is willing to discuss her leaving, we remain hopeful on all things, and silent and prayerfull.
I spend my evenings apologising for everything I have ever done to her to make her doubt that I never trusted her, loved her, cared for her. I make promises of to come to improve our relationship to hope for something more. The realisation dawned on me flying back from my visit to my Mum. Seeing my own failures in the past couple of years, admittedly 20 years is slightly different compared to 2, but still I see where mistakes were made, where opportunities to discuss or impart feelings were missed or ignored. How could I of been so blind, this woman, this amazing human being had been under my nose all this time, how did I miss it. How could my heart hide this feeling from me for so long?
Of all the things I should've said, that I never said.
All the things we should've done, though we never did.
All the things I should've given, but I didn't.
Oh Darling, Make it go, Make it go away.
...
Then the call came 7.30am 2 days after she hadn't been taken, I'd not slept in close to 4 days and was back at the headquarters crossing of areas we had checked.
"Commander McGarret, a plane flying over the seabird sanctuary island 10 mins ago, thinks he spotted something on rocks, looks like a body. Coast Guards are en - route." a disjointed voice said over the phone.
"I'll be right there", I was out the door heading towards the nearest helipad. If there was a slight chance it was her and she was alive he wanted to be the one to be there, on his way he called Danny and told him that he would keep him informed and to pass it on to Chin.
I probably shouldn't be flying in this kinda state, especially with little state, but the thought of it be her, was the energy boost i needed. As I circled the island, I saw the Coast Guards approaching by boat also, there was definately something there. Easily mistaken for seaweed at first sweep, but if flying low enough you could make it out to be a rag doll like figure. Her trademark trousers and now torn shirt, that survived an explosion earlier that fateful day lay against rocks not moving.
I landed the helicopter and and radio'd to the Coast Guards her direction and need for them to arrive ASAP. I raced towards her, calling her by name.
"Kono, Kono, Officer Kalakawa, answer me damn it! Kono, honey it's Steve hang in there I've got you, we've found you." I climb down the rocks to reach her. Still she is un-moving, I trace my hand over her body, looking for signs of broken bones or bleeding, clearing her hair away from her face. Her face, I gasp, what she must of been through to get to here, to be disorientated and yet to find somewhere to collapse. "That's my girl, your safe, I've got you." Her arms scratched and grey, her trousers torn on the rocks as she dragged her self up to a safe spot. I have her in my arms, her pulse weak, barely there. I automatically rock her, trying to sooth her, there's no way she feels my compassion she out cold, and who could blame her. "Just hang on a while longer, I'm going to take you home, it won't be long now." The Coast Guards arrive and help me put her in the helicopter while one med comes with me.
He pulse slows down more and the med looks concerned not sure that she is going to make, she's severley dehydrated, no doubt swallowed a lot of water and generally looking worse for a wear. Her breathing is barely there. I try to concentrate at getting her to the hospital, but the need to keep a watchful eye on her also is like a strong magnet.
"Kono, you are stubborn woman, you dare give up now, do you hear me?" I shout at her over the sound of the blades. I'm sure the med thinks I've gone mad. I'm past caring. "Kono, we have not given up on you these past 2 days, don't you give up on us. We need you right here with us, it's the only way this is going to turn out. So get used to the idea and hold on."
...
Give me these moments back, give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss, give me your hand.
I know you have a little life in you yet,
I know you have a lot of strength left,
She arrested twice the first week, her heart unable to cope with everything, her organs wanting desperatley to shut down. The dr's decided to aid her by putting her on the ventilator, and since then her heart has had a chance to get stronger as have the rest of her organs. Her body is fighting to regain consciousness, but still silence. I know I'm not a patient person, this is not news to me, but this has been unbareable. I tell a lie, those 2 days were unimaginable, this is barely bareable. We're hopeful, the dr's were'nt sure at first but now hope for the best, they have taken her of the ventilator now and she is breathing for herself. Her brain is functioning from what they can tell, but ofcourse there is chance for some damage, she had recieved from a bang to the back of her head, no doubt during the abduction and then another bang on her forehead which looks like it was from the rocks.
"You are such a fighter Kono, just add this to the list, One more fight, wake up for me, lets get back to where we left off..."
My mind drifts to the memory of a brief kiss she gave me on my return from Oska with Wo Fat "I've missed you", a barely there sweep along the cheek as she went into the invited hug, a relaxed breath, that seemed to of been held for too long. That kiss, kept me awake for many nights, nothing ever mentioned since, but the electricity I felt from it shocked me. A wake up call of emotions flood my mind, of other such opportunities, where there was obvious "Moments" between just left to sizzle out. Danny introducing his girlfriend to Gracey, it seems so obvious now, my birthday, my feelings towards men flirting with her. My pinch of jealousy on seeing her closeness with Adam.
Adam, he'd been around, wanting to know how she was, I wasn't that helpful, I could of tried better, for her sake. After the 2nd week he just called the nurses, not wanting to the confrontation with me again. Not that it was his fault. If it was anyones fault she had been put in the predicament it was mine. I dragged her into all this. I.A. would never had their hands on her without me. My eyes never leaving her hand as I stroke it and apologise and kiss it and mumble promises.
I feel something alter in the room and look up to her face to see her staring intently at me in wonder. "Kono?"
She just looks at me quizzically. "Kono! Kono, are you ok? do you know where you are? Please say something, your scareing me!"
"Boss? Is there something you need to tell me?" a slight smile lifts the side of her mouth.
"Oh Kono, I have soo much I need to tell you, but it can wait, not for long though, I'm not gonna let you slip through my fingers don't you worry!" I kiss her forehead and give her a shy smile.
"Was I slipping through your fingers?" Her voice croaky
"Not anymore your not, I've got you, like it or not. I've been so blind, and I'm so sorry, give me a chance to make it up to you?" He eyes are so brown, but i see the sparkly there, the sparkle she has just for me, the glint that lets me know that things are going to be ok. My eyes offer her the same and she nods.
...
Of all the things we should've said that we never said,
All the things we should've done though we never did,
All the things that you needed from me, all the things that you wanted for me,
All the things I should've given but I didn't.
Oh Darling Make it go away.
Just make it go away now.