IF I KNEW....

Part 1

Author: Anna

E-mail: anna@shattered-night.net

Rated: PG

Summary: When Chakotay reads an old poem, he realizes his love for Kathryn.

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Chakotay had been going through the database, looking for something to read when he had come across an old poem.  Usually he wasn't interested in poems, but something about it made him read it.  While he did that, something made him realize what he had denied for years.  Yes, he was in love with his Captain. 

If I knew it would be the last time

that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly

and pray the lord, your soul to keep.

New Earth... he couldn't remember how often he had watched her sleep.  Usually, Kathryn went to bed before him and always when she'd fallen asleep he just stood and watched her.  He remembered how scared he had been when the plasma storm had hit and she had still been out in the forest. He was afraid that he might never see her again.  The feeling that he'd been denying for more than two years already came back there, stronger than ever.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss

and call you back for one more.

Whenever she left Voyager after they returned from New Earth, the feeling had come back.  Because he'd always denied it, he wasn't sure why he was feeling the way he did and even once had the Doctor check him out.  But the Doc hadn't found anything wrong.  And amazingly, always when she returned back, the feeling disappeared.  He still hadn't realized the connection.  

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in phrase,

I would videotape each action and word,

so I could play them back day after day.

Chakotay remembered when he had seen Kathryn for the first time.  It had been right after they all had been taken into the Delta Quadrant against their will.  He remembered how the hair on the back of his head rose when he heard her voice.  There just had been something about her that prevented him from hating her, like he would normally do with any other captain that would have been sent after him. 

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,

young or old alike,

And today may be the last change you get

to hold your loved one tight...

He remembered when she died in his arms.  He had yelled at her to breath but she hadn't.  That was the first time he'd cried since he was a little boy.  He remembered how he held her lifeless body in his arms, screaming at her to come back.  When the Doctor arrived, he was able to revive her.  But the battle wasn't over, an alien had invited her mind and was threatening her life once again.  It had taken her quite a while to regain consciousness but that moment had been the happiest in Chakotay's life.   

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,

why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,

You'll surely regret the day

That you didn't take that extra time

for a smile, a hug, or a kiss

and you were too busy to grant someone,

what turned out to be their one last wish.

....Waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, You'll surely regret the day......  When he'd finish reading that verse, it hit him.  He was in love.  All those weird feelings he'd experienced over the years suddenly made sense.  He wrote the that particular verse down on a PADD and saved.  It was the one that made him realize his feelings, it was the one that he would show Kathryn an hoped it would make her realize hers too.

So hold your loved ones close today,

whisper in their ear,

Tell them how much you love them

and that you'll always hold them dear,

Take time to say "I'm sorry, please forgive me,"

"Thank you" or "It's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes,

you'll have no regrets about today.