TRQ

We're in London now, ready to do an interview for a magazine or something. The green room is a quiet buzz of activity. I'm on Twitter on my phone, keeping up with our fans. Our fans are one of the most important things to me, because really without them where would Sara and I be? Probably still in Canada desperately touring the little dives and clubs with our van rammed with second hand gig equipment.

Lindsey is sat next to me and Sara is huddled in the corner of the room, curled up on a chair with Stacy perched next to her. Softly Lindsey lays her head against my shoulder and I feel...nothing. Except a slight irritation. We've hidden it well but Lindsey and I are falling apart. I'd never air our dirty laundry in public but Lindsey has a problem with monogamy and only last week I'd found her knuckle deep in some slutty Tegan and Sara groupie.

When we'd first started out and she'd cheated it'd hurt me more than anything has but I'd stayed by her side, absolutely convinced she was the one I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. No one's perfect right? Everyone has problems. She says it's just sex, and I'm sure it is, just a fleeting physical attraction and a few minutes of heavy breathing and sloppy kisses behind a dark concert venue.

It doesn't even hurt anymore and most of the time I feel like it's easier to just let her get on with it and smile for the camera. Yet sometimes, I wanna scream and shout, throw things and kick her out once and for all.

I'm sick of being a fool. Sick of being her fallback, her safety blanket. I'm sick of standing still beside her. I had spent so long trying to win her and make her mine, spent so long saving her every time she fell. I was tired of behaving. Being good old Tegan. I wanted to run. Be free. Make rash decisions and follow my heart again.

I glance down at her from where her head is lying on my shoulder and I see that she's texting someone, she has that smile on her face and I just know it's one of her conquests. She catches me looking and automatically moves her phone away from my line of vision.

I stand so abruptly that she falls onto her side on the sofa. The guilt and fear are bright in her eyes and I spare her only a second before I rush from the room. Once outside I stare at the blue sky for a moment (by far the nicest weather I'd ever encountered in the UK) and then reach into the inside compartment of my jacket and take out a battered packet of cigarettes. Perching on the stone wall and staring at the sunlight glittering on the Thames I smoke and try to calm myself down.

I hear the glass door behind me swing open and I know its Lindsey.

"Go away" I say not even bothering to turn around and look at her. An attractive girl walks past the wall I'm sitting on and I smirk at her when she stares at me. The way she blushes makes me feel invincible. I don't need Lindsey. I can have anyone...almost.

"Tegan, I" Lindsey begins and her voice is dripping with anticipation. We both know something has changed. I'm not about to stand by and let her make me a fool anymore.

"LB, quit it" I try not to flinch when she comes and sits next to me, her legs dangling in the air. I look at her and try to recall the love I'd once felt for her. The surety that she was the love of my life.

"But, Tegan let me explain!" Lindsey pleads and a wave of anger flows through me. I turn to her and the glare on my face sends the entire colour draining from her face. Sure Lindsey and I had had 'the talk' before but I'd always been heartbroken and hurt. Pathetic. I'd never really gotten angry with her.

"What is there to explain? You're a slut" I spit the last word out and pitch my cigarette into the bin not too far away. I hear a sob come from her and my heart hardens. I'd had enough of her little act.

"This is over; you can stay until the end of the tour. Then, I want you gone" I say, not even looking at her. I hop down from the wall and walk in the direction the pretty girl had gone, it was doubtful I'd find her but I was going to make a new life for myself. I wouldn't be a fool for anyone anymore.

SKQ

My mind is a whir of images and words and sounds. I feel sick. I don't know why this happens to me sometimes. I feel so lost. Full of fear and panic. Tegan left the room a long time ago.

My heartbeat quickens and I grab onto the side of the chair I'm sitting in. My fingers dig into the fabric and my nails hurt from the pressure. I can feel my chest tighten and the anxiety wraps around me like a suffocating blanket. I'm not alone in this room but no one seems to notice what's going on with me. Not even Stacy and she's sat on the arm of the chair I'm curled up in.

I try to regulate my breathing and convince myself that all is ok; there is no reason for this panic building up inside of me. No reason for my heart to be racing and for my chest to feel as heavy as it does. I close my eyes and try to block everything out but it only serves to worsen my anxiety and my eyes fly open and immediately find the door.

I'm up and out of that room before anyone can question it or stop me. We have an interview in an hour and the 'green room' was meant to be a place to relax. Not be having a damn panic attack. I thought I'd conquered this problem a long time ago, in my early twenties and yet when all is well it sneaks up on me and launches a surprise attack.

I hurry down the long monotonous corridors trying to find my way out into the world and almost sob with relief when I burst out into the fresh air. The sun is high in the sky and the air is humid and I try to breathe deeply but I still can't.

Something is telling me I need to be far away from this place, from the daily grind of interviews and shows, photo shoots and recording. I need to be away from everyone who thinks they know me when really; they have no idea who I really am.

Even Stacy, as much as she loves only knows what I want her to know. She has never truly opened me up and seen me naked and vulnerable. It's exhausting to hide from the world, knowing they'd never accept me for who I am deep in my soul.

Blindly I pick a direction and start running, I want to run until I reach somewhere safe. Somewhere no one knows me and I can live lonely and calm. Where I don't have responsibilities and I'm not a role model to millions of younger people.

Surely if I opened up and they saw how dark and twisted I really was there'd be a war and they'd lynch me. Persecute me and run me to the darkest corner of the earth. Or kill me. Plunge their knives of ignorance and misunderstanding into the soft skin of my stomach until I bled all of my shame out onto the ground and my heart stopped once and for all.

I can hear the dull sounds of my feet slapping against the sidewalk and I wish I knew where I was going for once.

I never know what direction my life will take me, cannot predict the future. I am in truth too scared to take my life and make it what I'd like. I love being a musician and sometimes the only place I feel alive is when I'm with my sister up on stage and singing my lungs out. Today however, the thought of doing that makes me want to scream with despair and bury myself where nobody will ever find me.

Something vital is missing from my life, and I cannot live without it anymore. I cannot hide this from myself anymore. The cage deep in my soul I'd locked these feelings in has buckled and they're pouring through my entire body. I don't think there is any way to lock them away again this time. They are strong and have no mercy on my damaged heart.

A sob forces its way from my throat and I'm exhausted, I come to a stop. My legs are heavy and I realise I've entered a small park of some sorts. There are trees creating shade on a perfect blanket of grass and gratefully I trudge a few steps and drop to the ground.

I have to pull myself together and turn off this unnatural longing that is seeping through all of my blood vessels and making my skin burn. I still cannot breathe properly and I'm gasping. People are staring but no one approaches me and I know that this, this will be bad publicity if anyone recognises me. Since Heartthrob we've achieved a new level of fame and it's totally overwhelming.

I wrap my arms around my knees and bow my head; the nose nestled within the gap of my kneecaps. I'd done my laundry at Tegan's place before we left for the UK and the scent of her laundry detergent overwhelms me. I sob harder into my jeans and my body shakes. I'm not quiet but I cannot be. There is nothing quiet about these feelings taking me over.

I have lived all of my life knowing that I wasn't the same as anyone else. Not even Tegan and she's as close to me as anyone will ever get. There is something deep inside of me that is tainted and dirty. Poison to everyone who attempts to get near to it. I want to scream. Why can't I be loved? Why can't I love?

The voices in my head are cruel and laugh at my questions. You already know the answer. The voice is husky and coated in lust. It sounds so familiar and it drives me insane. I don't want to know the answer. If I acknowledge it then my world will crumble.

Sitting up I grasp my hair in my hands and pull, the sharp sting a slight relief from the chaos of my mind. Tears run down my face and I'm rocking back and forth. I can't breathe. I can't breathe and everything is going wrong. I'm fucked up and all I do is hurt people. I can't breathe!

"Help!" I call hoarsely. A man walking his dog looks over at me, concerned but carries on moving forward. He must be able to see it. He knows I shouldn't be helped. I deserve this. I deserve to fall apart. This pain and confusion was meant for me.

I need...to breathe. I need to calm down. I try to breathe but I can't.

"Help! Please!" I call again; all rational thought has dissolved from my mind. I'm dying here. I can't breathe! I haven't brought my inhaler and I can feel my chest constricting squeezing all of the vital oxygen from my body.

Everyone is ignoring me and I know it's because they see inside me and see how vile I really am, they know everyone in the world would be so much better off without me. I need this, I need to be gone. I only wish it was less painful. I want it to be calm, not to be fraught with panic.

I need Tegan.

She'd know what to do. She's always looked after me.

She's never run from me.

I need...Tee.

I feel the world fall and darkness descends.