Battle-Worn
Chapter One
"C'mon, Peter, let us go early today," begged one voice from the small circle of students. Three other students chimed in with voices walking this edge of whiny. The man gazed at the group warily.
"We've still got a lot to discuss about anger management. We were going to do role plays today, guys." It was clear that, despite his protests, he was caving in to the pleading looks of the fourteen students around him. Knowing they had won, the students started to close their notebooks, cap their pens, and slide out of their seats. "Fine, fine," he said, motioning them away. "Free time. Don't be late for dinner, though, okay? Cliffhangers, you guys especially!" The final part was shouted as the last seven kids streamed out of the room.
"Shelby, if you had your way, we'd never go to class," muttered Daisy admiringly. Her fresh-faced friend grinned wickedly.
"What, you'd rather be stuck there all day?"
"Oh no, no, noooo," her friend argued defensively. "I'm just making an observation. You seem a little evasive, that's all. Avoiding education and all. Fear of becoming an authority figure by gaining knowledge?"
"Jeez, Daisy, go intellectualize someone else," Shelby bantered back. "It's too nice a day to sit around talking about our feelings. I'm a teenager. I don't want to sit in class. I want to have fun." With that, she jogged ahead to the boy leading the group's march back towards their cabins. "Wait up, Scott," she called.
Meanwhile, the group's smallest boy had slowed his pace so he could walk next to Daisy. She watched him, sideways, as they walked, silently taking in his nervous grins and clumsy steps. She managed a tiny grin and let the space between them close by an inch or two.
The groups separated by gender as they approached their cabins. "Shelby, wanna go kick the soccer ball?" asked Scott, as fresh-faced as she. The girl gave an affirmative smile and trotted into the cabin. Once in the cabin she grabbed a pair of sweatpants from beside her bed and dashed into the bathroom to change, flying out the door without a word.
"Ah, young love," mused Daisy sarcastically.
"I think it's cute," commented Juliette childishly.
"You would," countered Daisy.
"Just because I see the good things doesn't mean that's bad," said Juliette petulantly.
"Doesn't mean it's good, either."
Juliette flopped back onto her bed. "You just want that too, that's all."
"What?" Daisy asked, shocked.
"You want to be happy like that. Normal."
"Trust me, that's not normal."
"But it's more normal than you and Ezra." Juliette's voice was sweet, but the words were harsh.
"You know, this really isn't useful for either one of you," Kat, lounging on her own bed, said calmly from behind a book. "You're both a little jealous, and a little resentful, and you don't want to be, so you get upset. At each other. Instead of at yourselves for not being what you want."
"Shut up!" both of the other girls cried in unison.
"Thank you, doctor, for your ludicrous opinions," snarked Daisy. Juliette just glared.
Kat was quiet a moment and then said softly, "Methinks the ladies doth protest too much." Juliette made an exasperated squeak and pulled her pillow over her head.
"How long until dinner?" came her muffled voice.
"It's not like you're going to eat, right? So what do you care?" asked Daisy.
"Oh, shut up."
"Ouch, that wounds me to the bone."
"Forty-five minutes, Juliette."
"Thanks, Kat." She exaggerated the last word, drawing it out into a two-syllable word.
Daisy glared back. She grabbed one of her books on the tarot off the shelf beside her bed and flounced out of the room.
"Jeez, what's her problem?" Juliette remarked prissily.
"Jules," warned Kat. "Don't get petty."
"You're too perfect, Kat."
"Nobody is, Juliette."
Kat settled back on her bed and was quickly lost in her book. Juliette felt restless; Shelby was always off with Scott, and Daisy was in a bad mood, and Kat was busy. There was nothing to do and nobody to do it with. She could go get Auggie, but if he had wanted to do something, he would have asked her, wouldn't he? Nobody wanted to spend any time with her, not at all. Juliette flipped onto her side, facing away from Kat, and propped herself up on a bony elbow. She slid her sleeve up just slightly, looking at the broad, plump pink lines that were scattered across her lower arm. She rubbed an index finger over several, feeling their pleasant bumps, like a map across her own body. She didn't really enjoy freshly scabbed cuts; they were like gullies and trenches, treacherous and not artful. Not like the smooth ridges that marked her body, fat and healthy tissue that was pink with life.
Juliette was jolted from her almost trancelike reverie by Kat's voice, loud and insistent. "Juliette!"
"What?" she asked, annoyed.
"I said, for the third time, do you want to go to dinner?"
"Oh—oh, yeah, sure, let me get my sweatshirt on…" Juliette trailed off as she tugged her shirtsleeve down and slid a sweatshirt over her head.
"I swear, sometimes you just disappear sometimes!" Kat exclaimed, shaking her head with amusement.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do, I guess." She balled her fists up inside her sweatshirt, already anxious about facing the dining room.
* * *
By the time they arrived, the dining room was full of kids milling around, talking, jumping in and out of line and scarfing their food down. Juliette relaxed a small bit; the room was so crowded that she wouldn't be watched very closely. She made a mental note to herself to try to make it to all her meals a little late. Auggie was suddenly at her side. "Hey Jules, there you are! C'mon let's get some chow. I was waiting for you."
Juliette smiled broadly. At the same time, a group of kids brushed past her and Daisy walked by and tossed her a scowl. Juliette's head began to spin. Where was Kat? Where had all these people come from? She felt like the world was on the verge of tipping over. Auggie grasped her hand and she held it tightly, letting him lead her to the food line. She anchored herself against the counter, sliding slowly along and regaining her composure. She hated anxiety attacks, even ones as mild as this.
"C'mon queenie, let's move it along." Juliette looked to her right in surprise. Daisy had never sunk so low as to call her "queenie," like Shelby did. With Shelby, the nickname always sounded like a kind of backhanded compliment, since Juliette knew that Shelby didn't completely hate her, but today, coming from Daisy's sharp mouth, the word felt like nothing less than a punch in her stomach. Juliette, looked at the floor and slid her tray along faster, saying nothing while she purposely chose the smallest portions she could find. Something had to make up for this day, this bad day, this day so much like any other. It seemed like all she ever did was feel bad, make mistakes, screw up, hurt other people, annoy them. Juliette sighed, dropping Auggie's hand and following him listlessly to a table. She sat slumped before her food, shoving it around on her plate with her fork.
"C'mon, Jules, eat up. This stew ain't half bad."
"I know, I'm eating."
"No, you're not."
"Are you going to nag me like Peter and Sophie now?"
"No, I just want to make sure you have enough energy to get through the day. To go for a walk later, maybe."
"I have plenty of energy, so you can stop nagging me!" Juliette stomped away, taking her still-full plate to the trash.
"Whoa, what was that all about?" asked Daisy, sliding into a seat next to Auggie, who snorted.
"I have no idea." Auggie stared vacantly at his food for the rest of the meal, and Daisy silently regretted having chosen to sit next to him.
* * *
He waited nearly an hour, hoping Juliette would calm down, before stopping by the girls' cabin. Juliette was curled on her bed, staring at the wall. Daisy, Shelby, and Kat were chatting together energetically on Daisy's bed. Auggie stepped in awkwardly. Usually they didn't enter each other's cabins. "Hey, Jules," he said quietly, tentatively. Juliette's eyes remained fixed on the wall. He came three steps closer and the animated conversation across the cabin ceased and the three girls stared at him, surprised and expectant.
"Hey, Jules. Wanna go for that walk now?" He hesitantly stepped closer to the bed, not wanting to go any further into the cabin than absolutely necessary. Juliette remained silent, but her eyes, surprised, followed Auggie into the room.
"Hey, uh," he looked up from Juliette's drawn face to glance at the gathered group of now-quiet girls, "can you guys give us a minute?"
"It is our cabin," commented Shelby. Kat slugged her lightly on the arm.
"Sure, Auggie. Don't be in here too long, though. You know the rules." The girls filed out of the cabin and Daisy stared steadfastly at the back of Shelby's head as she followed her out the door and down the steps.
Auggie sat gingerly at the foot of Juliette's bed, his hands resting awkwardly on his knees. "You don't want to walk?"
No answer.
"You don't want to talk either, huh?"
Juliette edged her head around to watch Auggie, but she said nothing.
"I'm sorry if I was nagging you, twig. Can't fault a guy for worrying about his girl, can you?"
A glimmer in her eyes and a wiggle in her nose, she shook her head.
* * *
Meanwhile, the girls were congregated on a picnic table adjacent to the cabin.
"What's up with them?" asked Shelby.
"None of our business," said Daisy.
"Oh," said Kat quietly, "that's a nice out."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"I mean, that way you can shove the problem off—say it's theirs, not yours or ours, and not have to deal with it at all."
"How could this possibly be my problem? It's about Juliette yelling at Auggie."
"No, it's about Juliette being upset. She showed it by yelling at Auggie."
"Same thing."
"No, it's not," broke in Shelby, grudgingly. "And now we're supposed to figure out why the little princess is upset."
You know, Shel, she's a person too."
"Hardly. She's a spoiled brat."
Kat leveled her firm gaze on both Daisy and Shelby before she stood and walked back towards the cabin. Neither would meet her eyes.
* * *
"Hey guys, how's it going?" Kat asked as she stepped back into the cabin and walked over to stand at the foot of Juliette's bed. Auggie remained at the foot, helpless.
"She's not talking."
"That's okay, Jules. Sometimes we just can't. If you're not feeling better in the morning, let's let Peter and Sophie in on this though, okay?"
Auggie and Kat were both surprised to see Juliette nod. Placing his hand comfortingly on her ankle, Auggie said goodnight. When Shelby and Daisy re-entered the cabin, Juliette was in the bathroom scrubbing her face fiercely. She went to bed without a word or glance to anyone.
* * *
The next morning, Juliette's mood seemed to have completely lifted. She trotted to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Passing Shelby, she smiled and called, "Good morning, royal subject!"
"Bite me, princess."
"Queen, please. Call me by my rightful title."
The girls walked over to breakfast together, and Peter greeted Kat just inside the doorway, pulling her to the side of the hall.
"How are things going, Kat?" Part of her preparation for graduation was an increased role as a senior student, more responsibility for the supervision and guidance of newer students. She was expected to observe the Cliffhangers, to take initiative in helping others.
Juliette tried to be unobtrusive as she watched carefully from the corner of her eye, straining to hear the conversation. She saw Kat pause a moment, glancing in Juliette's direction, before replying, "Just fine, Peter. No problems."
"Great," he said, throwing an arm around her shoulders, "you're doing just great." She smiled up at him and they walked over to the meal line.
* * *
They met for classes, a loud, chattering circle of friends, telling jokes and finding it impossible to sit down to concentrate.
"Hey, hey, settle down. Sit down. Is this how you're going to act every time I've let you out a bit early? Will I need to start running classes overtime to compensate?" The din settled quickly in response to Peter's unusually strict threat. "Good. Let's get started, then." All fourteen students, members of the Cliffhangers and the Ridgerunners, looked up at him, half-bored and half-interested.
"Have you finished the reading?" A chorus of voices replied muffled affirmatives. "Okay, half-finished?" A clearer response came this time. "Okay, I didn't require you to do reading journals or questions this time—"
"Thank God," threw in Shelby.
Peter glared. "Instead, I'd like you to work on a longer assignment."
"Is it too late to do those stupid questions?"
"Yeah, Shel. Tough luck." She stuck her tongue out as he turned his head. "I want you to tell me what kind of a book you would write about your life. We've been reading a series of autobiographies lately, but we haven't been talking much about our own, and they are just as important. You need to know who you are, where you've been, to know where you're going. I want you to work on these, in your journals, over the next week or so, to develop an essay on this. I also want you to think about what kind of biography might be made out of the same material. How can the events and feelings you describe be perceived differently? How does that change the story?"
Fourteen faces gazed at him speculatively, contemplating the merits of this new assignment.
"And, I know we don't all write our best in the same environments, so you've got all morning to work on these, wherever you feel most comfortable. Let me know if you're having any problems."
The students trooped out of the room, loitering on their way to their dorms or the common room, chatting to put off the work for just a minute more. Auggie stayed behind.
"Yo, Peter."
"Yeah, what's up, Auggie? I hear you're doing real good in math lately."
"Yeah, hey, thanks. I've been working on it."
"It shows."
"Yeah. I'm wondering if I couldn't do my assignment in art, you know, since I like that better."
"Well, yeah, Auggie, you're very talented in it and I know you'd rather draw than write most times. But I want to see some writing, hear your words. You've got them in you. Go ahead and illustrate them, complete the picture. But I want you to find your words, too."
"Yeah, okay. I guess I can do that. I mean, I can."