Okay, before you go any further, this is made of crack. It could be crack if crack was made of writing. And I wrote it with Amanemaniac.

Warnings: crack, slash/yaoi, weirdness, crack, Seppi helped write this (and she's... Seppilicious), slash/yaoi, possibly offensive material. Oh and OOC. Yes, lots of OOC.

Disclaimer: We do not own any characters from Marvel Comics or DC. We make no money from this. Just happies.

Villain Therapy

"So, welcome to the first meeting of Villain's Therapy," Tony Stark, otherwise known as Iron Man began, "and we... well, we hope you can learn... something. Yeah, something. And change your ways. Like I did."

Behind him, Bruce Wayne (usually known as Batman) face-palmed. He knew that he should have done the opening speech. If only so he could be sure that the Joker was actually listening, instead of leering at him. It was bad enough that the Joker was always following him around, but did he have to ogle him too? It was disturbing. More disturbing than Catwoman and that was saying something.

"As he said, you're here to change your ways." Batman said (he preferred Batman these days. What kind of name was Bruce anyway? Not a superhero one, that was for sure). "Iron Man and I are here to supervise. Sometimes Spiderman will also be here, but not too often because he does single therapy for any villains that attack him and his friends and family. So, introduce yourselves."

This, it must be said, caused most of the villains to shift around uncomfortably, as if they were embarrassed to be there. They probably were, because you weren't much of a villain if you attended a Villain's Therapy session.

"In Soviet Russia, Whiplash go first." said the muscled Russian who had built the electric whip suit. "Real name is Ivan Vanko. In Soviet Russia, willains give therapy to heroes."

"I'm sorry, 'willains'?" the Joker asked.

"Yes, willains. Clown man have problem with Soviet Russian pronunciation?" Whiplash cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"Hey hey hey, break it up. No fighting here (unless I'm involved). Got that?" Tony said. The Joker and Whiplash reluctantly moved away from each other.

"He was saying 'villains'." Batman muttered.

"Yes, willains, that is what I said. What is wrong with way Whiplash says willains? Is traditional Soviet Russian way." Whiplash looked honestly confused, something that might have been endearing if he wasn't heavily muscled, shirtless and didn't really like whips.

"Well," the Joker began, licking his lips, "I don't think the Clown Prince needs an introduction."

"And I'm Harley Quinn, the Joker's number One fan!" Harley Quinn cried, bouncing in her chair and almost falling out of it.

"Yes, yes, anyway. As I was saying, I'm here because Batman is. And we're playing a very fun game... called 'Guess How Long before Batman Gets Bent over the Table'." The Joker continued. Batman blushed, although you couldn't tell, what with the mask over his head. Spiderman's head turned towards him, so presumably the emo-spider was looking at Batman (his expression might have looked something like this: o_0). Tony started coughing and his coughs sounded remarkably like someone saying 'gay' and pretend coughing to cover themselves.

"In Soviet Russia, Heimlichs manoeuvre you." Whiplash commented and no-one paid any attention to the sudden, oddly disturbing look in his eyes. No-one. Especially not Tony Stark.

"Yes, well, moving on... you are?" Batman gestured at the next villain.

"You don't remember me, Bats? Aw dude and I got you all those doobies. Aw, man, I wasted a load of stuff on those and you don't even remember my name. It's Scarecrow, dude. I'm only here 'cause the Joker promised to get me the stash." Scarecrow said, shaking his head.

"What stash? We're in 10 Downing Street. There is no stash here." Spiderman pointed out.

"No stash? Aw man, you mean I wasted a bus trip for nothing? Well, no worries, I brought my own, just in case. You want some?" he held up a bag, presumably filled with weed or crack or something and waved it around.

"In Soviet Russia, crack gives low. Whiplash need high for later, drink vodka. In Soviet Russia, vodka drink people." This statement attracted more than a few confused looks, but by now everyone was becoming used to Whiplash's one track mind.

"I'm the Riddler and I'm learning professional psychotherapy, so you all ignore me and do what comes naturally. Oh and I'm associated with that Batman. For some reason, my mind powers don't work on him... I wonder why?" the man in the skin-tight green outfit said, waving his question mark shaped stick and looking... fruity.

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone looked to the last member of their congregation who... well, there were no other words for it. He looked gay. He was wearing a green leotard and had a ponytail down to his knees for god's sake.

"Oh, me? Well, I'm Loki, God of Mischief, and I thought this was a gay bar."

There was more silence and then Tony fell over, laughing.

"Oh god, a gay bar? Have you never heard of 10 Downing Street?" he asked, still ROFL-ing.

"It sounds like the name of a gay bar. I mean, Downing? Puh-lease. I have yet to see anyone go down on anyone else and everyone in here is gay." Loki flipped his hair expertly. Tony stopped ROFL-ing.

"I'm sorry, gay? Me? Really? Jarvis, me, gay?" he turned to his butler (what, you thought Jarvis was a computer? No. Meet Jarvis Mark I, the wholly human base design for Jarvis Mark II. Jarvis usually worked as Tony's butler).

"Possible, sir. Drink?" Jarvis offered a drink on a silver tray and elsewhere in the building Alfred laughed, secure in the knowledge that this year he would be winning the Butler of the Year Award, instead of that young upstart.

"Really? Huh. Should I?" he asked Jarvis. Jarvis looked pained.

"Why are you asking me sir?" the butler asked. Tony levelled a look at him and shook his head.

"Not fooling anyone Jarvis." Tony said.

"Oh neither are you, darling." Loki laughed and Tony glared at him.

"Okay, so ignoring Loki, everyone else is here to learn how to change their ways." Batman began, vainly trying to steer them away from questioning each other's sexuality (what do you mean insecure? Bruce Wayne had a new girl hanging off his arm every day, he'll have you know).

"I'm not! I'm here because the Joker's here!" Harley Quinn said, rocking insanely on her chair.

"And I'm here because Charlie the Unicorn's here. Candy Mountain, Charlie, Candy Mountain!" cackled Scarecrow. He was probably high and hallucinating, but that wasn't exactly surprising, given the amount of hash in his bag. He groped the air in front of him at the imaginary figures.

"I'm just watching, remember? Not spying, no, just... watching. To learn. I want to be a psychotherapist." The Riddler said, not looking shifty in the least.

"Well that still leaves us with Whiplash and the Joker here legitimately, right?" Spiderman said, because he'd been quiet for a while and was getting bored.

"Oh no, I'm here for some of that sweet Bat-Ass." The Joker said, laughing and laughing and laughing and... laughing.

"Whiplash here for fun... in Soviet Russia." Whiplash agreed (possibly. Deciphering his sometimes cryptic Soviet Russia comments would soon become an Olympic Sport and oddly, Iron Man would always win the gold).

"...does that mean that none of you are here to actually reform?" emo-spider asked. The villains all looked at each other for a moment and then turned to look at him.

"Yes." The said in unison.

"Great, let's get hammered." Tony said.

"Great! Let's call Mad Hatter! He'll have some booze," Scarecrow suggested excitedly.

Batman facepalmed again.

"Aww what's up Bats, feeling a little stressed? Let me loosen you up a bit," The Joker wriggled in his seat and his tongue lashed out like a snake's. Batman flinched as Joker began laughing.

"We are supposed to be having a guest speaker...but he's not here yet..." Batman tried to divert their attention.

"So why waste time? Let's make things interesting..." Loki swiped a pack of cards from Joker's pocket, "strip poker?"

A web struck out and confiscated the pack of cards. "That is not a valid form of therapy."

"Shut it Spidey, no one wants you here. I mean, where are your villains? Oh, not here, 'cause they are pussies that couldn't handle," Loki paused, "the heat..."

Spiderman was probably scowling under his mask.

"Hey Spidey, before we get things started, can you show me where the toilet is? I don't think I could last the next...hour or so." Loki fluttered his eyelashes innocently. They left.

"Well he's fucked." Everyone agreed with Whiplash surprised it hadn't begun with a Soviet Russia reference. "In Soviet Russia willains fuck Spiderman. No pussy willains in Soviet Russia."

Tony cleared his throat, "swiftly moving on, what do you want to achieve being here despite all of you having ulterior motives?"

"Well obviously I'm just here to uh..." Joker licked his lips, "stalk my prey...hehehe."

Harley, seeming a bit pained to hear this said, "I want relationship advice...WAIT-"

"In Soviet Russia relationship advises you."

"That's not a proper reason Whip-" began Batman.

"No!" Tony interrupted furiously, "That's reason enough."

"I here to take Ironing Man back to Soviet Russia, because in Soviet Russia willains fuck heroes."

"Come here pretty unicorn, I need my socks back!" Scarecrow began to clamber over the desk and stumbled, his face landing in Harley's cleavage. Harley yelped and took out a mallet and smacked the stoner away...right in the face.

"That chick is trippy."

"Hey no weapons here!" and Batman leapt for Harley. Joker burst out laughing and Tony was still unnerved by Whiplash's comment. A thin film of sweat began to form on his brow.

Harley batted at her breasts furiously as if though a foul dust had formed there. Batman was stretching out for Harley's mallet when Joker sneakily reached out and pinched his backside. He burst out in laughter again as the Dark Knight shot up and grabbed his buttocks defensively.

Harley let out a growl of frustration and stormed out.

"In Soviet Russia I would not go there if I were you."

But Harley persisted. Batman returned to his chair and sat down, still feeling violated. Harley then came back in. "I'll go back later..." she looked as if she had seen a ghost.

Whiplash sniggered. Joker smiled mischievously at Batman. "Loki's the God of Mischief not you Joker!"

Joker shrugged innocently. It wasn't like he felt bad about molesting Batman. He was, after all, evil and proud of it. He even had a badge proclaiming that fact, like most of the other villain present. Not that any of the heroes knew about those badges (well, Spiderman probably did by now, but he was in no position to talk about it). Oh yes, the Villains and Proud (VAP) society was one of the best kept villainous secrets ever.

"Jarvis, I think I need that drink now." Tony said. His butler appeared out of nowhere by his side.

"Certainly, sir." Jarvis replied, giving Tony his drink and glaring at Alfred. Soon Alfred would taste his own medicine, when Batman asked Alfred for his drink. Then they'd see who would win the Butler of the Year award.

They heard a crash and a groan from outside. Joker sniggered.

"Sounds like they're having a good time," suggested Riddler, "hem, I mean, this shouldn't be allowed to happen in psychotherapy!"

"In Soviet Russia, psychos give therapy."

Alfred brought in a silver platter, covered. He placed it in the middle of the table. "Thought you might want some food for thought." He gracefully removed the lid and underneath...

Out of nowhere came dramatic music, and the dramatic chipmunk turned...and stared.

"Dun dun DUN!"