Warning : Major crackfic! This was based on a video from YouTube (titled Ulquiorra Tomato Song). I took one look at it and knew I wanted to write on it!
I don't know the meaning to the words of the song (nor is this a songfic) or what the characters in the video are saying as I cannot read Japanese. What I'm doing here, however, is my interpretation of what's going on in that video, because it's too funny not to do.
Onwards! XD
I do not own Bleach, any of its characters, or even the main idea for this story. I do own, however, this story. Something else I own is the unfortunate nickname Tomatoes; hence I dedicate this fic to the person who gave it to me (although she will probably never see this).
Note: Since this is a crackfic based on a video on Youtube, please ignore any discrepancies and/or holes in this plot. I've spotted some and I ask that you close one eye for the sake of allowing the fic to go on.
Second note: Credits for title and summary belong to Queenofsomethingeth on Youtube, from her comment on the video.
Hueco Mundo: The Tomato Invasion Arc
The only thing that betrayed Ulquiorra's presence in the throne room was the silent whisper of his garment as he kneeled before Aizen.
"You summoned me, Aizen-sama?"
Emerald eyes found their way to brown ones, but were drawn off their path to a vibrant red sphere snuggled in Aizen's hand that bespoke of life so rarely found in the arid deserts of Hueco Mundo. Aizen regarded the object in his hand thoughtfully.
"Do you know what this is, Ulquiorra?"
"No, Aizen-sama."
"This is something from the human world. They call it a tomato. I call it our solution."
Ulquiorra remained quiet, waiting for his instructions.
Aizen contemplated the fruit a little longer, stroking its taut skin with a pale thumb. "Ulquiorra, you are in charge of ensuring that everyone in Las Noches has a diet largely consisting of tomatoes. You will find the storage to have an abundance of tomatoes, and the greenhouses to be overflowing. See to it that you do not fail. You are dismissed."
"Yes, Aizen-sama." Ulquiorra dipped his head in acknowledgement and stood, his mission clear.
"Does anyone have anything else to add before we close this meeting?" Baraggan looked around the table, his eyes falling on the pale figure standing to address his fellow Espada. "Yes, Ulquiorra?"
"It is Aizen-sama's wishes that we must eat tomatoes," Ulquiorra set the plump red fruit on the table, "as the main item of our new diets."
All eyes were fixed on the foreign red fruit, wondering why Aizen-sama would even have such a thought cross his mind. Did the power finally go to his head? Did he slip in the shower? Was he finally driven insane by that Orihime's foul cooking?
Grimmjow scowled. "The hell I'm eating that! Aizen can take his 'tamatoes' and shove them up his as-"
"Regardless of your desires, Grimmjow, the duty has fallen to me to ensure that Aizen-sama's wishes are fulfilled." Ulquiorra looked at Grimmjow coldly, and the blue-haired Espada leaned back in his chair with a low growl. "The kitchen staff has been informed of this change. You, your Fracción, the prisoners…all are subject to Aizen-sama's decree. Insubordination will not," here Ulquiorra glanced pointedly at Grimmjow, "be tolerated."
Baraggan peered at it cautiously before reaching out and picking it up. The table watched as he took a tentative bite. Juice dripped down his chin as he chewed thoughtfully, contemplating the strange new flavour. Then he shrugged and took a second nonchalant bite. "It isn't so bad. If the boss wants us to eat it, then I say we should eat it."
Aaroniero eyed it suspiciously. "What's it taste like?"
Yammy snorted, "Doesn't matter to you, you can't taste shit. All you've gotta do is to infuse it in your little glass capsule; you ain't gonna suffer like the rest of us."
The Gillian shrugged. "That doesn't mean that I'm not curious about its taste."
"Shut yer yapping trap." Yammy scowled at the mirthful ninth member at the table and picked up a second tomato Ulquiorra had produced to replace the first. He threw the whole fruit into his mouth and crushed it between tombstone teeth. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.
"Uhh… Ulquiorra… You got any more of this stuff?"
Ulquiorra turned to him. "As Aizen-sama said, we have an abundance. Our store rooms are full, as are our greenhouses." At Yammy's questioning look, he added, "The store rooms are in the basement, and the greenhouses are in the eastern wing."
Yammy stood quickly and hurriedly exited.
"Well," said Barrangan, "I suppose that concludes today's meeting."
"I'm so glad Aizen-sama decided to take up my suggestion." Orihime chirped, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Ulquiorra, who stood at the table with a dish of tomatoes before him. "I really miss tomatoes! They taste really good, they're so colourful, and they look adorable!" She grinned at the thought that Ulquiorra failed to fathom. Then her face fell. "I just wish he'd let me into the kitchen though. I could make my famous Red Bean-Tomato-Squid sushi for everyone! But it might be hard to get squid out here…" She trailed off into her thoughts.
Ulquiorra pushed a second plate of already sliced tomatoes to her. "Eat, woman."
"Ah, yes, Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime picked up her fork and ate. To her dismay, however, the dish not only never seemed to empty, but instead seemed to overflow with more and more tomatoes!
Luppi dropped his tray of spaghetti across from Cirucci's tray of pizza. They were in the mess hall, and were sitting down to lunch after having chosen their food from the newly adjusted menu. "Can you believe this, Cirucci? Kidnap just one human and this is the price we pay. I swear, they aren't worth the trouble. But I heard," he continued gleefully, "that Ulquiorra-sama taught that bitch a lesson. He stuffed her so full of this crap that she almost threw up!"
Cirucci squealed with pleasure. "Ha! Serves her right, for making all of us suffer like this!" She prodded at her pizza doubtfully. Cirucci threw a quick glance around the room before picking off the unusual red cubes. She winked at Luppi and picked up a slice of tomato-free pizza.
"Luppi." A monotone voice from behind her made Cirucci jump. "Your plate does not have the sufficient amount of tomatoes that Aizen-sama requires." Suddenly Ulquiorra was beside Luppi, holding out a tomato in a threatening way, fixing him in a cold stare that demanded obedience.
Cirucci took the chance to throw as many cubes as she could back onto the pizza.
Her sudden movement caused Ulquiorra to shift his attention to her. He swung around and held out the tomato. "It would not be wise to disobey a direct order from Aizen-sama." She sighed and took the red fruit. Ulquiorra promptly produced a second one and held it out to Luppi again, who also sighed and took it.
Ulquiorra, apparently satisfied, continued his patrol around the canteen to ensure that everyone had a "sufficient amount of tomatoes, as required by Aizen-sama."
"Damn him."
"Tch. Can't believe that Aizen is making us do something like this. Who the hell does he think he is, anyway?" Grimmjow grumbled to Szayelaporro. "How the hell does he expect us to get stronger if he feeds us this shit?"
Szayelaporro's eyes twinkled. "You want food that's gonna make you stronger?" He pulled potatoes and sausages out of thin air. "Then you're gonna want to eat this! I researched humans not long ago, and this is what they eat to get stronger. Plus I've made some modifications that will help increase out riatsu as well. And," here his eyes gleamed, "they taste so much better."
Grimmjow eyed the sausage. "Gimme that." He snatched it, tore off half with his teeth and chewed, grinning. "I think we have a winner."
"No, it's called a wiener."
Gin looked up from his plate of spaghetti. Ulquiorra had entered his private dining room, much to his concern and curiosity. "Hey Ulquiorra-kun, what brings ya here today?" He threw him a broad grin, but as usual got no such gesture in return.
Ulquiorra seated himself across from Gin and inspected his meal for a long minute. Then his eyes met Gin's in a cold glare, and Gin cringed at the look.
Ulquiorra produced yet another tomato, placed it before Gin, and walked out without saying a word.
Gin breathed a sigh of relief as Ulquiorra's coat tails turned around the corner. "And here I was thinking he'd go all Resurrección on me." He remarked to a silent and hidden Tousen, who was wise enough to conceal his tomato-free lunch.
"No! We will not eat those damned things!"
"Then you leave me no choice."
Harribel's Fracción turned tail and ran as they were attacked by a flurry of tomatoes. Ulquiorra took careful aim with each throw, trying to get each fruit into someone's mouth, opened wide in protest. Nonetheless, this did not reduce the speed of his throw at all. His ammo came from a large cart beside him, fully loaded with the red terror that had invaded Hueco Mundo.
"Get out! And don't you dare touch my Fracción again, or I will personally cut you down!" Harribel lifted the smaller Espada threateningly by his collar and threw him out of her domain, tomato still in hand. He landed on his feet and turned back, exchanging glares with Harribel but saying nothing.
Before the door slammed shut, Ulquiorra got a glimpse of the room behind her: red pulp on almost every (once white) surface, the empty wagon, and Sung-Sun sobbing in a corner that was especially soaked. Apacci and Mila Rose stood by her, throwing another death glare at Ulquiorra just before the door shut in his face.
Ulquiorra entered the Arrancar Chambers, a common area set aside for any arrancar to do anything – rest, work, fight, eat… In one hand he balanced a dish piled high with tomatoes, and in the other he held a fat red one. His piercing green eyes scanned the room before he sighed.
"No choice then." He said to himself, tossing the tomato in the air and catching it, as if to gain a better grasp of its weight.
"Grimmjow." Ulquiorra's voice rang clear across the room, and the blue-haired Espada spun around, distracted from stuffing his face with sausages and potatoes together with a watching Szayelaporro, who had a mad glint in his eyes and a suspicious test-tube in hand.
As Grimmjow turned, Ulquiorra used sonido and shoved the plump tomato in his hand into Grimmjow's mouth. But the Sexta Espada's mouth was full; the tomato was instead squashed between his face and Ulquiorra's insistent hand. Ulquiorra didn't care. He picked up a second one from his dish and spun around, ambushing Szayelaporro, who tried protesting but wound up with a face full of tomato. "Damn it, my glasses!"
Ulquiorra ignored him. Employing his sonido again, Ulquiorra fluidly grabbed another tomato and appeared in front of Nnoitra. Alarmed by the sudden attack, Nnoitra stepped back, but Tesra stepped between them, spreading his hands wide to shield Nnoitra. Ulquiorra switched his gaze to Tesra, and squashed the tomato in his face.
"Ulquiorra-kun? What's going on here?" Orihime stood stupefied at the sight. Ulquiorra spun on his heel, another tomato already in hand. He vanished and reappeared next to her, crouched down. Then he forced an arm between her knees, used his other arm to support her back, stood as he pulled one of her legs up, and forced her into a horizontal position where her balance depended on the arm at her back. Before Orihime had a chance to comprehend the movement, a tomato found its way to her face, and suddenly she was upright and covered in tomato juice, with Ulquiorra already across the room once more.
Ulquiorra had turned back to Nnoitra. Taking a running leap, the smaller Espada pushed the larger down and placed a firm knee on his chest, pinning him to the ground with a tomato in each hand.
"Fuc-mmph!" Nnoitra opened his mouth to utter a vulgarity, but it proved to be a mistake. The first tomato had been forced into his mouth, and the second was squashed between the first and Ulquiorra's hand, leaving his face drenched in tomato juice.
Ulquiorra got off the stunned Espada and calmly picked up his dish of tomatoes. He strolled to the exit as Stark and Lilynette entered. As Stark surveyed the room, his jaw dropped. Scattered across the room and in various states of shock or injury were several Espada, a Fracción, and – of all things – the human girl.
Stark turned to look questioningly at Ulquiorra as the latter walked past him.
"Ulquio-ahff?!" Stark was cut off by the sudden attack of a big red tomato propelled by Ulquiorra's arm.
Lilynette stared at Ulquiorra's back as he retreated towards somewhere else he could wreck havoc. Then she turned to Stark, and catching sight of him, started laughing uncontrollably.
A/N: Phew, done! If you want the link to the video, drop me a message! Or just search for the title up there on Youtube and go to the first link!
Ok, crack isn't my usual genre, but I saw the video and couldn't resist! Anyway, since it isn't really up my alley, reviews would be very much appreciated so I know what is good and what is bad! Thank you!
And remember, eat your tomatoes, or Ulquiorra will come and get you.