Author's Notes:

Good Lord! This is paired with the prologue, and not its own file! Anyway, I thought of this while I was ripping nails out of boards yesterday. Sure, Link goes through the temples, restores order, and saves Zelda… but what about Ganondorf? For example: how in the HELL does Ganondorf screw the temples up in the first place? Is he even the one doing the screwing-up? This will be a parody/adventure, (as described in the information before you clicked on this story) and will follow Ganondorf through his [mis]adventure to wreak havoc in Hyrule!

([ ] indicate thoughts. Bold Italics indicate the Great Deku Tree.)

I now present to you…

Legend of Zelda: Bulky Villainous Organ of Time!

In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule... long I have served as the guar- holy shit! Mmm. Nevermind. I thought I felt an armored parasite giving birth in my lower cavities. Anyways, long have I served as the guardian spirit... I am known as the Deku Tree... The children of the forest, the Kok-

"Hey!"

What the…

"Listen!"

Oh, gods! It's an annoying-ass fairy! Where the Holodrum did you come from?

"Great Deku tree, you just sent me to wake up the lazy Hylia-"

Spoilers, Navi! Spoilers!

"Right! Sorry. Great Deku Tree, you just sent me to wake up the lazy Click to show spoiler! I need some help! He will not wake up!

A small, scrawny boy in green garb tugged at his Quabalah bracelet in his sleep. Muttering something about downloadable content replacing retail, he shuddered and turned his head over on his bed. In his dream, he was chasing Billy Ray Cyrus around an Olympic pool. Link caught Billy by the neck, clamped a hand over his mouth, and declared that if Billy were ever to sing again, Link would force him to tell Navi not to not annoy Link in the future.

I can sense his angst. The poor child is plagued by prophecies of Billy Ray Cyrus singing, and the PSPgo coming out atop all other handheld systems. I wish I could rid him of these utterly horrible revelations.

"I know how he feels. Once there was a time when I-"

Navi, go now! Find our young friend and guide him to me. Fly, Navi, fly! The fate of the home console market, nay, the future of country music, depends upon thee!

"All right then, I'll see you around! Hoot hoot hoot hoo!" someone said before Navi could get a word out.

Quickly, Navi buzzed away, trying to punch Mido in the face as she flew by, muchfaster than she should have, which sent her in a random direction near the Know-It-All Brothers' house. Shaking her head from the sudden disorientation and Lady Gaga music the Know-It-All Brothers were piping from their ghetto bass, she speedily flew into the protective fence of the mini-plateau.

Crap! She thought, face-palming herself. This was going to take longer than she had previously anticipated Great Deku Tree sensed Navi's flying troubles, and face-palmed himself using the Force.

I hope I don't go back to snorting cocaine... I'm glad I don't do that anymore. that wonderful man Ganondorf helped me get over my cocaine addiction. Such a wonderful man...

~One day before~

"Hell yes!" Ganondorf cried, taking all the poker chips from the table. He jumped up and began his victory dance. His small poker group, consisting of Ingo, Big Goron The Lakeside Scientist, The Great Deku Tree, and the Windmill Guy, was not amused.

"You should sit down, Ganondorf." The Scientist said. "Don't make me call your mothers!"Ganondorf shrunk back as he heard that, remembering how badly his mothers had beaten him last time he had danced.

~Ganondorf, age 11~

"Ooh! Listen to that music!" Ganondorf happily yelled, as the sights and sound of Castle Town. "De neh ne-ne-ne-ne, de neh do do DO! De neh neh ne-ne-ne-ne, neh ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh!" Ganon sang while he popped and locked around the busy market square, knocking over the local inhabitants and squashing a Cuckoo. Koume and Kotake swiftly turned around and each grabbed Young Ganondorf by his ears, drug him behind the town into the alley, and Koume held his hands behind his back while Kotake punched him repeatedly.

"There is to be NO dancing of any kind!" The witches said in unison.

"But why, mothers?" Ganondorf asked, crying, through broken teeth and bloody lips.

"It's gross!" yelled Koume.

"It's against our religion!" Kotake yelled.

"THAT DANCE HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!" They screeched in perfect timimng.

~Ganondorf, present time~

Ganon shuddered. Out of all the things for a strong, sexy Gerudo like him to remember, it had to be that. "So, how have you been lately, ol' Deku Tree ol' buddy ol' pal?" Ganon asked the giant fibrous root, eyes listing rapidly in every direction.

All is not well, my Gerudo friend. You have just taken all of our money, and I needed some to buy more cocaine later. I need a fix, 'cause I'm going down.

Ganondorf was shocked. "Great Deku Tree, no! You can't be serious! When did this start?"

A few hours ago. Do you know how many Deku Seed pouches I need to buy at once? One hundred and sixty-seven! It's a wonder the cocaine business hasn't been deprived of all ingredients because of the amounts I buy.

"Listen," Ganondorf replied, bowing before the tree, "allow me to cast a healing spell on you to destroy your dependence on cocaine."

Let it be done.

Ganon had created this spell himself when his mothers were hooked on cocaine. He needed to chant for it to work. "Omygod thezeldatimelinemakes nosense! HowdoesSkywardSword comebeforeOcarinaofTime? Ohwell Iguesswe'llwaitandsee becauseitlooksamazing!" He chanted. "Aaaaa-maaaaay-ziiiiiiing!" He repeated.

He waved his hands around, and pointed at the Tree. Although Ganon was only taught black magic, he made an effort to make the black magic more... good. Whenever he cast spells, he would pull out a variety of pins and stickers that represented good things to dispel the evil in his magic and place them on his armor in random spots. These included Breast Cancer ribbons, 'We Support The Troops" bumper stickers, Obama "Change" pins, and a few Rosaries.

The Great Deku Tree squirmed as much as a giant tree could, feeling something strange going about his body. What did you do?

"I created an armoured parasite that eats away the part of your brain that makes you feel like you need cocaine." By then, the other poker players had left, so Ganondorf went up to the tree and gave him a hug. "I love you, man. Not the gay way, at least I don't thinks so, but still. Play ity safe and call me via telepathy if you need anything," Ganondorf said, patting the tree's trunk as he walked off.

~Present Day~

[How I admire such a smart and hospitable man...]