I don't own Naruto.
Summary: A missing-nin returns to Konoha.
Characters: Kakashi, Gai, Lee, Sakura, OCs
Warnings: Little bitta race, drinking
The Visit
After thirteen years as a missing-nin, Takahashi Shouta returned to Konoha on a girl's bicycle, looking like a foreigner and acting like he'd never left.
It was one of those yellow, buzzing days of summer that was over as soon as the sun rose and Team 7 was half-heartedly training in a field when he came pedaling up over the crest of the hill. He was wearing working clothes, but not any familiar to the Leaf Village; heavy boots, a sleeveless undershirt, denim pants that had once been dark blue and stiff but had long since been worn soft and pale as pure cotton. His dark hair was cut short, far shorter than was typical in the Hidden Villages, and a wire cage containing a half-dead lizard was balanced precariously on his handlebars.
Shouta stopped several feet before them. His eyes roamed over the three children before coming to rest on Kakashi. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on top of the cage with the air of a man just stopping for a moment to chat with a neighbor before continuing on with his day's business.
"Hatake Kakashi," he said in that tone people use when they meet someone after not thinking of them for many years.
His smile was easy and guileless and content as a child's, as though he had never been a ninja or known an evil thing in his life.
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In the days and weeks of interrogation that followed, Shouta willingly divulged all the facts of his strange life. He made absolutely no attempt at secrecy and was completely unconcerned by his imprisonment, explaining to Morino Ibiki that he was sure he had nothing to fear, having never so much as spoken the name of the village of his birth since his departure, but understood the formalities all the same.
Where had he been all those years? A little bit of everywhere. In humid forests, on holy rivers, in large cities, places they had never even heard of. Places far from Konoha, all.
What had he been doing, well, there's a story. Wrangling alligators at first, then branching out to catching lizards and other reptiles once he got good at that, hauling equipment and pulling trucks out of mud on bad days, expanding the world's herpetological knowledge base.
Come on, does it sound like he's kidding? Ask him anything about a snake, a crocodile, or any other scaly thing. Give him a quiz right here.
He's part of a team helping a renowned scientist who specializes in such animals, is why. They study them and sometimes collect for zoos, speaking of which, could someone see what could be done for that poor lizard he brought?
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The most widely traveled man in the village is Matsuzaka, the owner of Konoha's most popular bar, who keeps hundreds of bottles of foreign alcohol on display. He opens only one every year, on the date of his return home after many years abroad, until the day he and Shouta drink five bottles of strange liquor between the two of them sitting on the floor behind the bar. At some point, after Matsuzaka passes out, Shouta pulls off his shirt and shoes in a bizarre act of defiance, and sits contemplating how under normal circumstances this would have gotten him thrown out.
What they talked about as they drank is a mystery, but the entire village knows what Shouta does as he wanders past the training grounds half-dressed and singing.
"Lee Rock," he calls, "Rock Lee. How's the training coming?"
"Um…Just fine, Takahashi-san," Lee replies.
"Have you been drinking?" Tenten demands.
"Our secret, lady. How's your mother, Lee?"
"She is quite well, thank you. I was not aware that you were acquainted."
"Surely we are. I used to date your Aunt Akemi, when we were kids, you know. First and last Japanese woman I ever went out with. I stick with white women these days."
After a brief, stunned silence, Lee asks, "White women? What do you mean?"
"I mean, no more sweet rice cakes for me. I eat strictly from the cracker barrel now," he explains with a snicker.
"Takahashi-san… please… I fear that in your inebriated state you are referring to women in terms which you will regret later. Think about what you are saying!" Lee urges him, flustered.
"Nonsense, Lee!" Maito Gai exclaims jovially as joins the conversation. "This is merely a witty way for young men to discuss their romantic interests among themselves, as long as it doesn't become too crass. Off the cuff, if you will, and all in good fun!"
"That's right," Shouta agrees. "Listen to your sensei, Gumby."
To the horror of Team Gai, the two men begin to youthfully discuss their romantic interests among themselves, and in no time Gai has declared a contest to see who can describe the women of their mutual acquaintance in the wittiest (but not too crass) terms.
Shouta wins hands down, and spends the next three days apologizing to every kunoichi he comes across.
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Shouta's the same age as Kakashi, graduated at the same time, grew up only two houses down from him, and is the closest thing to a fond childhood memory he has left. He's also only in Konoha for a short time, and so Kakashi spends what time he can with him.
When he first hears Sasuke call Naruto 'dobe,' he tells him that he, too, graduated last in his class, and they pound it. He tells them age-inappropriate stories about his adventures, about the time a friend corrupted a local girl on the banks of the River Jordan one drunken night, about the time he licked a toad and nearly died in the middle of the desert. He tells them they don't need to drink to have a good time, but it helps. He tells the boys the trick to keeping a woman is to make her think they're hanging off her every word. He tells Sakura men like it when women play hard-to-get. He tells them all they ever hoped to know about alligators, about countries more foreign than they've ever seen, the best jokes he's heard.
"The world's a bigger place than you'd expect," he tells the genin of Team 7 one night at Ichiraku, as they sit waiting for Kakashi. "Bigger, and so much less dangerous."
He sips his sake as the three sit and consider this information, which runs contradictory to all their training.
"You mean ninjas aren't as skilled other places as they are in the Hidden Villages?" Sakura ventures tentatively.
"Psssh, ninjas," Shouta snorts. "Ninjas. Ninjas are one part relic and one part myth to the rest of the world. Relic, myth, and joke."
He drains his cup and his audience sits silent, wondering if there's a punchline or he's telling them something real.
"Listen," he says seriously. "Life is hard, that's no secret. But it doesn't have to be so bare.
"Listen. You get strong enough to protect your popsicle stand from people who've been getting strong enough to attack it, and you defend and they attack, and you defend and they attack, and all that time you could've just been selling popsicles."
The boys don't even know how to react to this statement until Sakura begins to giggle, and then Sasuke looks away with a derisive 'Hn,' and Naruto tells Shouta the sun hasn't even set and he's already had too much to drink. And Sakura can't stop giggling, because it really is one of the most ridiculous things Takahashi-san has ever said, even if he is right, and even if she can't bring herself to ever think about the incident again after he leaves the village.