In the Wake of Light and Chaos
A Comforting Touch
by Meimi

This started out as just a little thing to torment an old fandom friend with (Ruaki, for the curious), and then just kinda ballooned from there. It's a Post Game Alternate Universe that is kind of canon compliant (except for the established relationship) up until the ending. After that, it's basically its own thing. It does pretty much go all over the place though. It starts in the future, then works its way back for a bit, jumps forward again, then way back, then forward. It all fits together though, piece by piece.

Chapter Summary: Because he would know just what to say and do. (PTSD Ho!)

"Can I touch you?"

The request was odd enough (especially for who it was coming from) to knock Hope's train of thought about the latest round of reconstruction completely off the rails. Why would he? "Of course."

"Thanks." Noel grinned at him rather maniacally, enough to tell Hope that he was up to something, but not enough to set off warning bells. A typical interaction, as was Noel forcing himself into the chair with him, wiggling around behind him and finally draping himself around Hope. It figured. Touching always had translated to hugging in Noel's vocabulary.

"What brought this on?" Hope asked curiously as familiar arms snaked around his waist. "You usually don't wait for permission to get tactile."

"I dunno." Hope felt Noel shrug against his back, then a chin came down to rest upon his shoulder and a hot breath puffed against his ear. The way this was going... he probably wouldn't get any more work done for the day. Noel was very predictable that way. "I just figured you'd had enough of not being in control of what happened to you." Or not. Hope froze, everything going stiff as the abhorrent memories came to him unbidden. No no no. Just because they existed didn't mean he had to let them in. He wouldn't let them rule him. He was just plain old Hope Estheim now, and that's all he would ever be. All he wanted to be.

"Shh, it's all right. Everything's all right." Hope latched onto the familiar litany and let it drag him back from the hell he couldn't quite escape. The pain faded quickly, but the despair, the disgust at his own betrayals, and the siren call of simply not feeling at all lingered. Light really shouldn't have saved him. He might still be a danger to everybody. Sometimes it felt like he'd never be himself again. Maybe he wasn't.

"Everyone's worried about you," Noel murmured as he gently threaded his fingers through Hope's silver hair. It was an old, soothing gesture, one neither of them had been able to experience for such a long time. "But they don't know what to do or say. And they're not entirely sure what's going on with you. You made yourself into the rock everybody turned to, and you're still playing that role pretty well."

This... this wasn't the time or place for this. And there never would be a time or place for it. "I'm-"

"-scared." Noel interjected, cutting past Hope usual attempt to reassert the status quo. He'd known it was futile. Noel knew him too well. But what else was he going to do? "You're scared that he's still in there." Of course he was frightened about that. He had every reason to believe in that possibility. He had to. He couldn't ignore the very real threat that he might pose to everyone and everything he loved. It was inescapable. "And if he is still in there, you're terrified of what he might make you do." Exactly.

"Why are you stating the obvious?" Hope asked listlessly. His options were very limited. He could kill himself, but what would that really achieve? It was God. Had been. Would be. Just because he'd been defeated, destroyed by all accounts, didn't necessarily mean that he was completely gone. How did you utterly end a god anyway? No, better to go with what he was already doing. Help the world build itself back up, use all of their skills to breathe life back into what the Chaos and Bhunivelze had ravaged, and hope that they'd all be strong enough to deal with him if he turned out to be a ticking time bomb.

"He's not." Empty reassurances. "And even if he was, we'd just kick him to the curb again.' Hmmph, not so empty then. Noel knew him far too well. It was to be expected, he would never have tolerated someone who didn't know him to manhandle him like Noel so often did.

"You're an idiot," Hope said fondly. They both knew it meant something else. I love you.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot," Noel fired back the expected response. Love you too. "And I'm not going anywhere." Noel's grip tightened around him, drawing Hope back even further into his embrace. "And you're not going anywhere." Ah, so he wasn't the only one in need of comfort. Too long gone from each other's side. He couldn't make up for that. Honestly, at the time, his only real consolation had been that it was him and not anyone else. Better to be chosen by God than to let anyone else suffer it. "We'll get through this."

"I suppose." Even if he was a danger, he would still live for Noel and the others. He didn't want to leave them again. Hope smiled weakly as he reached up, plucked Noel's hand from his hair, and guided it back down to rest around his waist. Death had never really been a choice, even if it turned out to be the best course of action in the end. He couldn't do that to them. Not again. They'd all lost so much already. He couldn't leave Noel again. Not so long as he had a choice.

He could feel Noel's lips against his neck, an obvious smile tickling his skin. "So can I kiss you?"

Ah, he was going to keep up with that game then. Well, it would be a nice change of pace. "Have I ever stopped you before?" He had on a few occasions (Noel's timing with doling out affection was atrocious), but that wasn't really the point right now.

"Just checking." A heavy breath against his ear. Lips sucking teasingly at his skin. Hope couldn't forget what had gone before. It would remain with him forever. But... that didn't mean he couldn't make better memories to think about instead. Noel was pretty good in that regard. Best to just let him do whatever he wanted.