Things are different. They always are. Change but one variable and your can get a completely different outcome.
The difference is with or with out him.
Whenever I'm away, hidden from his presence, behind barriers both mental and physical, I can make it whatever I want.
I can make it insignificant.
I can imagine it is unimportant.
I can convince myself that this thing I though could exist between us means absolutely nothing.
Less than nothing.
Nothing must be observed in order to say nothing exists. This is merely a forgotten, non-existent whim.
This thing does not stir my soul, does not make my heart race, does not send shivers over my length, reaching a dizzying climax as it quivers through my mind.
No, it means nothing (less than nothing) he means less than nothing to me.
Whenever I'm away, hidden from his alluring smile, I can see what he truly is.
I can see that he is childish.
I can see that he is rash.
I know that he has insulted me and hurt me with lack of conscious thought.
He has so many imperfections, from which he can not shy away. Scars rack his body and his mind. Some he deals with loudly for others there is no relief.
And soon the thoughts dwindle, and my heart fills with sympathy. But despite my empathic emotions, when I am away, I believe with every fibre of my being that he and I are unmatched.
My mother's voice floats through my thoughts, an echo from the past.
'Two wrong's don't make a right.'
A tear unshed, I know that there is no chance that anything but nothing could ever exist between us.
This is exactly how I feel until my skin runs cold as my blood runs hot; until he walks into the room, smiling with that little grin that makes your legs feel like jelly and very ounce of concentration dwindles to nothing.
Until only he exists.
With his smile your heart is warmed, feeling that everything is right with the world if he smiles and it happy.
He murmurs something to you as he walks past you to reach 'his chair', his breath whispering across your neck sending shivers down your spine and the sound of his deep voice makes you tingle from head to toe.
It is in this second I realise that he is my entire reality is him, he is my reason for being.
If things were different, then he wouldn't be here. But for my sake I'm glad that things are just the way they are and he will be there for me.
Always.