Disclaimer: I own nothing but plan to oneday own Jackson Avery...i am not opposed to theft inorder to claim him :)
As I sat alone in the park across from the hospital I had time to think. Think about everything that had happened today. When an event as traumatic as the events of today happen it feels as if there is a shift in the world, as if everything you once new has changed.
As I was operating on my person's person her reaction to his 'death' shifted something for me. I realised that if the situation had been reversed and I had thought it was Owen that was dead my reaction would not have been anything like Mer's.
My point is I realised today that I don't really love Owen not in a life changing can't live without him sorta way. I love Owen, I really do. But I'm not in love with him.
As I was standing there operating on Derek with a gun being held to my head that it was not Owen that made me feel safe and protected, his presence honestly did nothing for me.
The man standing opposite me, helping me in every way imaginable, he was the man in my life –surprising as it is – that means the most to me. Standing there with him, operating on someone that is so important to Meredith's life and by association to my life, I felt calm like I could do anything, I felt safe.
It reminded me of the moments at Arizona's party when I had felt so safe, so loved in his embrace it was like I could do anything with him by my side and I was so shocked by the certainty of my feelings for him.
I could picture a life with him a relationship, a true love unlike the other relationships I had been in where I could never truly be myself. It was as if my world had found a new centre and it was him.
It was these incomprehensible emotions towards this man that caused me to end things with Owen, and these emotions that led me here to this park where I could start to comprehend these emotions and what they meant for my future.
As I sit swinging to a slow steady beat, like the beating of a heart I understood, he would be the perfect beat to my life steady but purposeful like a heart. With Owen and Burke even the beat was wrong unsteady broken.
It was as if for my entire life my heart had been beating all wrong and today I received a heart transplant.
With this analogy in mind I knew what I had to do I had to find him, find my man my new heart.
As I readied myself to stand to go and find him I knew he would probably think I was insane with my broken heart analogy but it was the only way I could think to say it.
As I stood and turned to walk back to the hospital hoping with all my heart that he had not left for the day I saw him in the most unlikely of places.
Sitting under a large oak tree with his eyes closed was the one person I wanted to see most, as I slowly approached him quietly, hesitantly I could feel my heart hammering in my chest as if it was willing me towards him.
As I stood in front of him he instantly opened his eyes as if he was aware of my presence on a deeper level. "Christina" he said his voice deep and silky and with that one word, so simple, I felt at ease. I slowly sat down beside him and contemplated whether or not I should explain my analogy to him.
Would he laugh at me scoff at my stupidity, does he actually care about me or does he just want to get into my pants. I wish now that when he had tried to speak to me about the kiss I had actually listened, what if he thought it was a mistake.
After due consideration I began "ok, I'm going to tell you something and you have to promise me you won't laugh...ok?"
He didn't respond verbally but instead grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight as I began again he didn't let go of my hand but instead pulled it into his lap by doing so I had to move closer to him so we were sitting side, to side with our heads resting up against the trunk of the tree.
I looked back across at him trying to gauge his reaction to my words but he had once again closed his eyes.
I could hear myself speaking but my voice did not belong to me it was shy and timid completely foreign to the usual voice of Christina Yang I looked straight ahead at the hospital as I spoke:
"Today, my world shifted it was as if everything I once knew was insignificant. When we were operating on Derek and you disconnected his chords pretending he was dead and I saw Meredith's reaction to his 'death' I realised that I had never felt that way about someone I love.
The best way I can think to describe it is that essentially the heart beat of my relationships have always been wrong, uneven, unstable and it was as if today I had a heart transplant and for the first time in my life my heart beat was stable and steady, the first time I ever felt that stability was with you, when you kissed me it was like everything was right in the world, like my life was finally going to be ok. You are my heart – my stability. And I know it sounds crazy because I barely know you but..."
He cut me off I hadn't realised during my speech but he had turned to face me "Christina" once again he repeated me name but this time it scared me I worried that he didn't understand me that he didn't feel the same way.
As I looked into his beautiful eyes all my fear dissolved as he slowly leaned into me gauging my reaction my eyes fluttered closed and for the second time we kissed, the kiss was gentle but passionate full of understanding and love.
As we slowly pulled away from each other he lifted our still conjoined hands and placed them over his heart, I could feel it hammering away in his chest as if it was trying to escape as I felt the fast rhythm of his heart I could tell in was beating in perfect synchronisation with my.
In that moment I knew I had a future with this man I was in love with him truly in love not in love with the idea of him as I had been with Burke but truly in love with him as I looked back at him I knew I had nothing to be afraid of I decided I should tell him, as I stared into his eyes trying to see how he feels about me he spoke
"I love you Christina Yang" just one short sentence it was so simple why could I not have just said that to begin with instead I had to blubber on like an idiot about heart beats and transplants I realised that he had began to worry when I did not respond.
I began to laugh he looked at me with sever concern and hurt deep in his eyes and I realised I must look like a lunatic but then I realised I still had not replied.
I took a minute to compose myself before responding "I love you too Jackson Avery" I could see all the tension leave his body as he began to breathe again.
I leaned in again and kissed him with all the passion I felt with all the pent up emotions I had built up with the traumatic events of today.
As we sat together my head resting on his chest, hearts beats together, perfectly in sync. Hands clasped tight. I knew everything would be ok.
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