Her breath hitched in her throat. Her eyes widened and she winced slightly as the cool metal brushed the back of her neck. It hadn't only happened a handful of times over the course of her career. She was always careful. The familiar lump in her throat began to form.
"Not a word."
Erin let out a breath as he spoke. She hadn't even realised she'd been holding it in. Instinctively her grip tightened on the gun but she stopped herself, raising her arms slightly and moving them out to each side of her head. She attempted to take a calming breath, inhaling shakily before letting it out again.
You've done this before Erin, you're good, she thought.
"Okay," Erin replied, her voice barely more than a whisper compared to his. Loosening her hold on her own gun, she licked her lips slightly - choosing her next words carefully. "I'm gonna put this down."
She could feel his hands fidget slightly, moving behind her as she moved, crouching to the ground and pushing her weapon away from them both. Erin could sense his nerves, how unsure he was about what he was doing. She was as clueless as him. Turning slowly to face the younger boy, her eyes latched onto his. Nick's hands attempted to steady themselves. Her own were still raised beside her shoulders.
"Nick," she said softly. "Hastings deserves to be punished but this isn't the way."
"You don't think that we've tried everything? Profits over people," Nick spat, pushing his words out before tightly pursing his lips again. She was trying desperately to stop her own hands from shaking thought they protested with each word that he said.
"And now the whole world is going to know," Erin swallowed, shaking her head. There was a flicker in his eyes with her voice, something different from before but his gaze never faltered and his grip tightened further.
"It's not enough," he mimicked her movements, shaking his own head sharply. "Hastings has to die."
Maybe this is it, Erin thought suddenly. She licked her lips again in an attempt to buy herself more time. If it was the end then it wouldn't even matter anyway. Nick would go past her, maybe even make it to the office - prove his point and get his revenge. She wouldn't get revenge. She couldn't if she tried. It was all her fault.
"Sometimes the people we love get hurt and there's nothing that we can do about it. It makes you so angry that you'll do anything to push the pain away. Right?" Erin wanted to push the pain away, she really did, but it had began to engulf her. It filled up her lungs like water, drowning her on dry land, and radiated in her chest with every breath that she took. She wanted to push the pain away. She wanted to feel anything but this pain. "Except it won't bring your cousin back.
It wouldn't bring Nadia back either. Nothing could bring Nadia back.
"...She was like my little sister," Erin nodded unconsciously at his words. Nadia was like her little sister - the sister that she never had. Nick's face crumpled as he spoke, redness rising quickly in his cheeks with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. She was doing her best not to let herself do the same. "I was supposed to look out for her."
Erin felt like her lungs were on fire. "I know."
The image of Nadia's face had began to rest in her her mind. Each time she blinked she was there behind her eyelids. She couldn't even close her eyes anymore without the thought. She had taken the younger girl in, she had helped her, she had loved her. She had gotten her killed.
"I can't be here. I'm wasting time," he said stiffly, regaining what little composure he could. Erin glanced backwards hopefully, praying that her team would appear out of the corner of her eye. He watched her movement, eyes searching in the same direction. His grip shifted on the gun. "I don't have time."
"Nick, look at me," Erin said softly in reply but it was if she was talking to a brick wall. Nothing had registered in the younger boy's brain but she was persistent. "Look at me!"
"He has to die." Nick continued. "He did this. Not a company, one man."
"You're not a killer. You tested negative for gun residue this morning. The only way that happens is if you didn't fire a single shot. You're not a murderer, Nick," Erin replied, shaking her head.
"You people don't understand," his voice caught slightly in his throat. Where were her people? "He covered this up. He KILLED her."
"I know. And we can prove it. This truth is going to come out," Erin said. She didn't even try and hide the desperation in her voice. Nick remained unchanged. "But if you really have to get to Hastings then you're gonna have to get though me first."
"I'm not afraid," he replied after a pause. Erin could practically see the cogs twisting and turning in his head, debating about what his next move would be. His eyes told her everything that she needed to know. Pushing the cool metal suddenly against her forehead, Erin closed her eyes briefly. She inhaled shakily before opening her mouth.
"Then do it already," she sighed, her words coming out like more of a plea and his eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Then shoot me. C'mon. How many people died already? What's one more, right?"
His hands were shaking as much as each breath of air that she took, her chest protesting with each rise and fall. She wouldn't let her own hands shake though, lowering them and fixing them tightly to her hips. He mirrored her. His hands had moved away from in front of her eyes. With each word that she forced out, his arms inched downwards. Without thinking, Erin brought her arms up and rested her fingers over the top of the weapon.
"Shoot me. C'mon Nick," their eye contact never broke. She could see the wetness forming at his eyelid. He clenched his jaw and his face crumpled again. Erin brought the gun down further with each word. She could see his internal conflict, it seethed through his skin. "You wanna kill someone that bad?"
His whole body began to shake. Where were her team?
"YOU WANNA KILL SOMEONE THAT BAD?" she couldn't help but shout, she couldn't control herself. Maybe she wanted to be shot. Maybe she wanted it to all be over. "THEN SHOOT ME." She tightened her grip on Nick's gun and placed it closer to her chest. He couldn't help but let the tears fall. "Get it over with man. Shoot me. Do it."
"I'm sorry."
"C'mon Nick, shoot me. Is that what you want."
It was immediate. He just stopped. There were no more tears, no more shaking. He never let go of the gun though Lindsay's hands were all that were supporting his. Nick wouldn't look away from her eyes, it was as though they were locked together.
"Shoot me," her voice was less than a whisper.
She had barely heard their footsteps. Their words were masked by the sounds of the gunshot.
"Erin!"
She wasn't sure whether she had imagined the voice. She couldn't breath. Her head hit the concrete of the floor sharply and she attempted to inhale as she winced but nothing would go in. She turned her head slightly to the side, looking to where she had just been standing. Nick's eyes were wide open. At first she thought that he was looking at her, she wanted to say something. Anything. His eyes seemed to look right through her, she hadn't even registered the puddle of blood forming by his shoulder.
"Erin!" the voice said again, bringing her back to reality. It was as though everything up to that point had been going in slow motion. A hand moved her head back to face upwards. Voight's face appearing above her own. "You're going to be okay, you're just in shock."
Erin tried to speak but nothing would come out. She could feel the straps of her vest being yanked and it being taken off, raised about her head.
"Your vest protected you, you're okay." his gruff voice spoke again and he placed his hand behind her head. "Shit."
"Ambo's on it's way," Dawson's voice called.
"Just breath Erin, just breath."
She wanted to breath. She wanted to do anything but be lying helplessly on the cold hard ground. She wanted anything for the boy next to her not to be dead. She wanted to push the pain away but honestly, it was the only thing reminding her that she was alive.