I Wouldn't Be Here
Summary: Set during the episode 'Affinity'. This is a different way that the conversation between Sam and Jack about Pete's proposal could have gone.
Sam was sitting in the locker room. The lights were off and she couldn't remember how long she had been sitting there in the dark. Just sitting and thinking. It had been two weeks since Pete had proposed. She wanted to say yes. She wanted that life with the house and the white picket fence, coming home every day to the man she loved… to not be alone any longer. She wanted to say yes, but...
But. It was the word that she could not escape, the word that had been invading her mind, trailing after her every thought. She wanted to say yes, but she had her doubts. She risked her life every day, was it fair to put someone through that? What if she didn't come home? But was that just an excuse? Pete was a cop he should understand. But what if he didn't?
She stood and began to pace. But. She couldn't shake the feeling that if it were meant to be then that word would not be dogging her so incessantly. Sam balled her hands into fists, startled to feel the fabric crush underneath her right hand. She had forgotten that she was still holding it. She had picked in up without thinking. It had just been lying on the bench as if waiting for someone to come along and scoop it up. Just as she was waiting.
Examining the ball cap, she couldn't help but noticed its frayed edges and the faint sweat stain running along the inside of the bill. How many times had he worn this hat on their missions? She ran her fingers along the top of the crown slightly amazed at how soft the brown fabric had become after years of wear. How many times had this hat protected him from the snow and the rain? It was certainly well worn, but it wore its abuse well, just like its owner. She thought that was what had probably attracted her to it the moment she had entered the locker room. It was his, and like him stood through all that was thrown at it never backing down, never complaining. She strongly respected that, loved that.
Sam sat down again, the hat still held loosely in her hand as she absently stroked her thumb across the top of the button, lost again in thoughts of the ring that was sitting in her desk drawer. She didn't notice when the door to the locker room opened. She didn't hear the footsteps as he walked over to her.
"Carter?" She looked up sheepishly; aware of how stupid she must look sitting alone in the dark locker room clutching a hat that wasn't hers, still she didn't put it down. "Whatcha doing?" His voice was gentle.
"I was just thinking, sir."
"Thinking." He repeated, waiting for her to elaborate.
"Pete proposed." She hadn't meant to blurt it out like that.
"Oh." His voice was not surprised, instead, it sounded like he understood exactly what was going on. She was still holding his hat in her hands. Jack sat down next to her on the metal bench. "And you said…?"
"I said I needed time."
"Hence the thinking." Sam felt more than saw him examining the hat she was holding. "That's my favorite."
"I know," she stated simply. She paused,. "It's the one you were wearing when you were shot by that Jaffa on P3X-666." She hadn't meant to say that.
"Yeah," she could barely see his grimace through the darkness. "Well I don't hold that against it." His voice was light but she could tell that he was thinking about how close he had come to death and the person who hadn't escaped it, Janet Frasier.
"I miss her. I wish I could talk to her." Sam found herself saying and was left wondering why she had suddenly lost control of her mouth.
Jack didn't say anything, but put his hand over her fingers which were fiddling with the hat and gave them a quick squeeze. She stilled, enjoying th warmth of his hand against her fingers. They sat like that for a moment and then he asked, "What would she say?"
Sam didn't need to ask what he meant by that. "She'd tell me to follow my heart."
"And?"
"And..." Sam looked down at their joined hands and smiled, "I woudn't be here."