A/N This is a repost. The story was removed because apparently we aren't allowed to post RPF's anymore, which sucks but I thought I'd upload it again keeping their names out of the summary. Hopefully it stays this time
I Cherish You, Too.
"Cherish the thought, ooohh..." Amber sang out as the song came to a finish.
My palms were sweaty, my heartbeat was completely erratic and my legs were dangerously close to giving way beneath me. Heather held me close, unknowingly preventing me from physically falling to the ground. We'd performed this take five times already and I was praying this would be the last because I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep the smile plastered on my face as her lips sank into mine.
As she pulled me in closer to her, I leaned in, waiting for her lips to meet mine halfway. The tip of Heather's nose grazed my upper lip just slightly and as we made contact I could feel her smile into the kiss. All I could think as she wrapped her arms tightly around me was why can't this be real life?
"Aaand cut. Okay guys, that's a wrap. Great work everybody."
"Thank God..." I whispered under my breath and turned to walk away.
"Hey," Heather said, grabbing hold of my wrist. "Where are you rushing off to?"
"Oh, umm, I'm busting to pee. Feels like I have like, a gallon of water sitting in there." I tried to sound convincingly nonchalant but avoided looking into her eyes for good measure. I turned and practically sprinted out of there back to my trailer.
I'd done a fairly good job of distancing myself from Heather. I did it slowly so that it wouldn't be so noticeable and she had allowed me the distance. The two of us remained close on set, but nothing compared to what we were; together every minute and always with the constant physical contact.
It hurt too much to be around her knowing that I could never be with her. I still put on the brave face, I allowed her to cosy up to me on set, and at night I'd go home and cry myself to sleep. Or sometimes I'd lay there feeling completely empty apart from the burning feeling coursing through my veins. It was like my love for her had contaminated me; it made me want to scratch and tear at my skin until she wasn't inside of me anymore. But that was impossible; she was always there, always haunting me. Even though in the day, at work, around everyone I pretend I was fine and normal, at night my world caved in on me and suffocated me, making me believe beyond a doubt that there was no escape from my illness.
On the way to my trailer, a few people waved at me and I smiled and waved back. Some tried to talk to me but I grinned apologetically and said "gotta go sorry, gotta pee." Because, who would argue with that? But as soon as I stepped into the safe-haven that was my trailer I felt my night-time world crash upon me prematurely. It was all Heather, the feeling of her velvet lips on mine, the comfort of being held so tightly in her arms. The way we could smile lovingly and look longingly into one another's eyes. But most of all, more than any of that, it was the voice I heard yelling "cut" at the end of the scene; that's what really cemented my reality in my mind. It was like a cruel sadistic joke, like I could have a taste of what I really wanted as long as I knew for sure that none of it was real.
I could feel a panic attack coming on; my anxiety was beginning to become a real problem lately. My airways were beginning to constrict as I struggled to get oxygen into my lungs and my skin tingled all over with that familiar crawling sensation. Just as I curled myself into a ball on the floor in an attempt to regain control, the door flung open. I squeezed my eyes shut, barely noticing the intruder in my trailer.
"Naya?" Heather asked in a panic stricken tone. "Naya, honey what's wrong?"
She walked over to me and crouched down next me, reaching a hand out to rub my back.
"I can't...I...can't..." I tried but couldn't speak through trying desperately take air in through my constricted airways. "Heath...can't breathe." My eyes were rolling around in my head and I was clawing at the skin on my chest.
"Sssh Nay, it's just a panic attack. You're going to be okay, can you hear me?" I nodded at Heather who spoke clearly as she tried to calm me down.
"Okay, just focus on your breathing. One in and one out." She grabbed hold of my hands to stop me from scratching my skin raw. "Can I undo your dress? Will that make it easier to breathe?" She asked and I nodded.
I felt better in an instant as she undid the zip and I drew oxygen straight into my lungs. I reached my arms around Heather's neck and hung on to her as though my life depended on it, which at that moment, it kind of did. She reciprocated and held me close to her waiting, as I was for my breathing to return to normal.
I rested my face in to crook of her neck, keeping my eyes closed and waited the several minutes it took to feel semi-normal once again. When I was able to register my current position, the emotional gravity of the situation hit me like a runaway freight train. I couldn't stop the tears escaping, leaking from my eyes and soaking Heather's skin as I sobbed into her neck.
"I'm sorry, Heather," I managed to choke out.
"Honey, it's okay. Ssh c'mon, you have nothing to be sorry for." I could feel Heather's gentle hand rub soothingly, up and down my back.
The second wave of my emotional train wreck passed sooner than the panic attack and now, as I wiped my eyes and nose with the back of hand, I was beginning to feel horribly embarrassed.
"Oh, god Heather, what a dumbass. I'm so sorry, this is mortifying."
"Nay, stop it. You have nothing to be embarrassed about...or sorry for. I'm glad I walked in when I did."
"How did you know I was having a panic attack?"
"I used to get them all the time, I know how scary they can be. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you of where you are and that everything's going to be fine." She said, still rubbing her hand on my back.
I kept my face buried in her neck, not daring to let her see me. I felt so vulnerable; I never broke down in front of anybody.
"What if it's not?" I asked in a whisper.
"Not what?"
"Going to be fine..."
Her hand stilled on my back and I instantly regretted speaking. Now was the time I was supposed to be building my walls back up, but here I was allowing myself to become more exposed. What was I thinking? I couldn't let her see that she was the reason for my melt-down; I couldn't let her know that she was the entire contents of my emotional baggage.
"Nay...what were you thinking when you started to panic?"
Oh God...
"I don't want to talk about it Heather...please..."
She pulled me from my hiding in the crook of her neck, cupped my tear stained face with her hands and looked into my eyes.
"I see you, Naya. I know you don't think I do, but I do. I know you think you're hiding and I know that you build these walls to keep everyone out. You have everyone so convinced that you're fine, that you joke around with our friends and laugh on cue like you mean it. But I'm not everyone else, Nay...to me, you're walls are made of glass. And the worst part is, you don't even see me looking straight through you."
Her words cut straight through me and I noticed as tears welled simultaneously in both sets of our eyes. I was caught in an azure vortex, stuck there, unable to look away as she pulled me in and rested her forehead against mine.
"But, I'm tired of looking at you through the glass...please just let me in." She pleaded with me as a lone tear slid down her cheek.
"I can't, Heather...It's better for both of us, trust me. "
"Was it the kiss?"
I froze. I shut my eyes tightly and squeezed out the deluge of tears.
"Please look at me, Nay. Please just tell me." Heather's voice had become a whisper and I opened my eyes to see desperation staring back at me. I broke. How could I not when I saw the forlorn features staring at me from the face I'd grown to love so impossibly much.
"I love you Heather...so much...that it hurts me. I've tried to distance myself from you and I can't even tell if it's made things better or worse. I miss you when you're not around but I miss you more when I'm with you because it's like it's too much and not enough all at once. I feel like I'm dying slowly. Like I'm bleeding to death from the inside and hurts, Heather, it hurts so much. I don't know what to do anymore..."
I immediately regretted opening my mouth, what had I done? She was looking back at me with an expression I found impossible to decipher, almost like she was torn internally. My frightened gaze shifted repeatedly back and forth between her eyes.
"I'm sorry Heather...I shouldn't have said anything...I'm sorry..." I looked down, because continuing to stare at her unreadable face was beginning to make my pounding heart ache.
"Naya...Nay, look at me." But I couldn't I was too ashamed. "Please Nay?"
I lifted my eyes slowly but looked off to the side, still avoiding being caught once again in her steady gaze. But then I got the shock of my life because I didn't see it coming. Her lips were on mine and we were alone, no cameras, no cast, just us. Shocked as I was, I kissed her back with all the passion I could muster, our lips dancing together, languidly.
Fighting for air, I pulled back and looked at her inquisitively.
"I've continued to live a lie, Nay, because I never thought for a second that you wanted me. We were so close, then you pulled back and I thought...I thought it was me, that I'd done something wrong or you just didn't like me so much anymore. I've loved you forever..."
I felt like I was on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster, and damn sure I was about to die of heart failure. I pulled her back in and took her bottom lip between both of mine, kissing her like I meant it...and god knows, I meant it.
"You did nothing wrong, Heather...it was all me and I'm so sorry. I love you so, so much." I mumbled onto her lips and kissed the corner of her mouth, trailing light kisses down her jaw line to her neck.
"I love you too, baby," Heather whispered as she moved her hands down the bare skin of my back, trailing her fingertips up and down. "Come here," she said, moving one of her hands to cup my face.
I did as she asked and moved back up to her lips, where I was captured instantly. Our kisses grew deeper, more urgent, and in an instant I felt her velvety-smooth tongue brush across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth to allow her entrance and felt her warm tongue slip inside, finding contact with my own.
With my hands on the back of her neck I pulled her impossibly closer to me. I trailed one of my palms to dance across her collarbone. As I made a path lower, I stopped at her chest, feeling unsure of myself and how far she would want this to go. I didn't want to seem too eager, but I was finding it exceedingly difficult to control my urges with her tongue still dancing around inside my mouth.
She must have felt my misguided apprehension because, just in that moment, she pulled me on top of her, turning both of us on our sides and slid her thigh between my legs. Without breaking the kiss for even a second, our hips ground into one another's and we began moaning into each other's mouths.
She placed her hand on my thigh, sliding it up, under the hem of my dress, pulling it up with her as she found the skin of my stomach.
"Can I take this off?" She asked my breathlessly as she tugged at the material of my dress.
"Yeah," I said, sitting up and helping her pull the garment over my head.
I placed both of my hands on the side of my head, fixing my hair slightly and sat back on my haunches, straddling one of Heather's thighs. I allowed myself a moment to take in what was in front of me, taking the time to cement it into my memory before I proceeded.
I placed my palms on Heather's hips, allowing her grey sweater-dress to ride up as I slid my hands up her torso. She took the hint, sitting upright so that I could pull her clothing over her head, tossing it to the side. As she lay back on the floor, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me with her. As we hit the floor, our bare stomachs made contact, making both of us sigh simultaneously. I kissed her once more and felt her arch her back into me, trying to gain more contact.
Our hips moved in a rhythmic manner, working as one, with only our underwear preventing us from feeling full contact. The pleasure was building to the point where I felt I was about to combust.
"Oh god, Heather...I need...this is..." I had trouble forming any kind of coherent sentence.
"I know," she whispered onto my lips. "Me too." She slid her hands up to the clasp of my bra, undoing it and pulling straps off my shoulders. She then flipped me on my back and ground into me once more while she let her hands graze up and down my sides, kissing down my neck, my chest and finally capturing one of my nipples in her mouth.
I let out a loud moan at her actions and arched my back into her, throwing my hand to the back of her head. My other hand was playing at her side, tickling up and down, I was feeling her smooth flesh underneath my fingertips. I moved it up to feel her breasts but was obstructed by the bra she was still wearing, so I immediately made a move to remove it. Mirroring her actions, I reached my hands around her, undid the clasp and slid the undergarment off her shoulders.
With both of our chests bare, she let her body fall onto mine and I moaned at the sensation. She gazed into my eyes for a moment and brushed her nose against mine before placing a gentle, loving kiss on my lips.
"You have no idea how much I want this," she whispered against my skin.
"I do now, Heather. God, I love you so much. I've been torturing myself for so long, trying not to feel this." I looked up into her eyes and she smiled softly at me, brushing her thumb against my cheek.
I watched, raptly as Heather lowered her face towards mine, tilting her head ever so slightly. I stroked the smooth skin of her back, anticipating her lips touching mine once more. I felt a cool breeze come over me as the door of my trailer swung open and I looked to my left to see I wide-eyed Dianna staring at Heather and I, on the floor; naked and moulded into one another.
I clung onto Heather, both of us shocked and staring at the intrusion.
"What the hell Di, get out!" I said, exasperatedly.
"I'm...oh my god." She made an attempt to shield her eyes but stood, rooted on the spot. "Shit, the door wasn't locked, I'm so sorry guys...I'm just gonna..."
"Leave, Di. You're just gonna leave. This is embarrassing enough, no need to prolong it."
"Yeah, sorry..." She turned to walk out and closed the door behind her.
Heather now had her face buried in the crook of my neck and her body was shaking. Shit, I thought, now the moment is ruined and she thinks it's a mistake. Just as I was about to ask if she was alright, she took a breath and let out a roar of laughter, and I joined her with nervous giggles.
"Maybe we should continue this at your place?" She pulled her face from the juncture of my neck and looked into my eyes as she spoke.
"Or maybe we could lock the door and continue what we started...and then take it back to my place."
She let out a breathy laugh at my enthusiasm, but peeled herself from me slightly and pulled me into a sitting position, still on the floor.
"C'mon Nay," she said, placing a lingering but chaste kiss on my lips. "I really want to enjoy this with you. We got caught up in the moment but I don't want to have to worry about who's going to walk in or who's going to hear us. I want to be able to make love to you and just hold you in my arms for the rest of the night." All I could do was nod my head in agreement as she spoke. "So, let's get dressed in our sweats and make a speedy exit. Hopefully we won't run into Dianna on the way out!"