Disclaimer: I do not own this stuff.
Once upon a time a wealthy elven king lived in an underground palace with his daughter, Luthiet. One day Luthiet brought home her boyfriend, Bereo, a mortal who'd been wandering in the wilderness for a very long time. Her father was alarmed.
"I am alarmed!" he said.
"But Daddy," Luthiet whined, "I'm beautiful enough for the both of us!"
"No," the father, Thinulet, said. "You are going to marry Daeris or something."
"But, Daddy..."
"Either swear you'll never marry Bereo, who, by the way, I've just exiled, or stay in this tree forever."
"Fine. I'll stay in the tree," Luthiet grumbled.
But Luthiet decided that she really did love Bereo, so she made a cloak out of her own hair and faked her own death. Only she got bored of that, too, because she had to hold still and couldn't do anything, plus no one had found out that she was "dead" yet, so she enchanted the cloak to make her guards fall asleep. Then she ran away to the Thinulet tomb (also known as Nargothrond). There she met up with Curubalt, her cousin.
"Why do you want to marry Bereo?" Curubalt asked, flexing a muscle casually.
"I don't know," Luthiet said. "Because."
"I see," Curubalt said, bench-pressing the great Hound Huan.
"You flirt!" Luthiet said. "Come on, Huan, you're going to help me escape."
Huan was surprised ("Say what?") but helped her escape anyway.
"Now what?" he asked.
"I don't know," Luthiet said. "Bereo usually comes up with the plans."
"Then let's go find him," Huan said.
"Okay," Luthiet said. "I think my mom, Lady Melilet, said he was in Sauron's dungeons."
"Isn't he called Thu right now?"
"Oh, I can never remember."
"Right."
So Huan and Luthiet went to Thu's dungeons.
"What an ugly place," Luthiet said.
"It's a dungeon. What did you expect?" Huan asked.
"I thought she meant the chain restaurant."
Huan did the canine equivalent of a facepalm.
Luthiet broke into song, mostly because that's what people did in her favorite musicals, and Bereo heard her.
"Hey! That's Luthiet!" he said. "It must be time for you to die," he added, looking at Felagund the Awesome.
"Say what?" Felagund asked, then died.
"Huh. I was right," Bereo said. "Now I just wait for Luthiet to come get me." So thinking, Bereo fell asleep.
Meanwhile, Luthiet had finished her song and was at a loss.
"Now what?" she asked Huan.
"Not now," he said. "I'm busy fighting these werewolves."
"Well, would you hurry up?"
"Working on it," Huan said.
Then Thu himself came out onto the bridge.
"Ewww!" Luthiet said. "Thu, you've got real bad B.O.!" Then she passed out from the stench. Huan canine-facepalmed again. Then he beat up Thu.
"Alright," he told Luthiet, who was rather annoyed that no one had caught her when she fainted, "you can go find Bereo now."
"Eh, too much work," she said. "I'll just wait up here for him to come out."
But after all the prisioners filed out, Bereo was nowhere to be found.
"Fine, I'll go look for him," Luthiet said. She found him dozing over Felagund the Awesome's body.
"Yo! Wake up!" she said. "It's time to go find The Shinies!"
"Five more minutes," Bereo moaned.
"Fine," Luthiet said. "We'll finish this in Luthiet and Bereo: Part Two."
"There was a Part One?"
Huan facepalmed for the third time.
Luthiet and Bereo: Part Two.
"Okay, okay, it's been five minutes, wake up!" Luthiet said.
"No."
"I'll get Huan to drool on your face."
"Fine! I'm up, I'm up!"
"Better. Now let's go steal a shiny so you can marry me!"
"I have a better idea. How about I knock you unconsious" - Bereo proceeded to do that - "and go hide so that I never have to see you again? Great. Bye!" Bereo then ran away.
A little while later, Luthiet woke up, nursing a large bump on her head. "Huan," she said in her sweetest voice, "can you give me a ride to wherever Bereo is?"
"I - " Huan started to say, but Luthiet jumped on before he could finish. "Fine," he sighed, and ran to follow Bereo, muttering about silly elves the whole way.
"Here he is," Huan said. Bereo curled into a fetal position at the sight of Luthiet.
"Thanks!" Luthiet said, jumping off. "Now go kill Thuringwethil for me."
"I - " Huan started, but then shook his head and left.
"Good," Luthiet said. "Now what?"
"I don't know," Bereo said. "I'm not good at making plans."
The two sat awkwardly for a while until Huan came back.
"Where's Thuringwethil?" Luthiet asked.
"I didn't know you wanted her body."
"Well, duh! Go get it."
So Huan left again.
"You took your sweet time."
"This thing is heavy," Huan said around a mouthful of bat.
"So? Anyway, I'm going to wear this thing as a disguise."
Bereo nodded. This was a good plan. He didn't have a disguise, so he wouldn't have to do anything.
"And Bereo, you'll wear this Sauron/Thu costume that I picked up at the store."
Bereo stopped nodding and started whimpering.
"Good. Now, let's go!"
So they snuck into the castle, skillfully causing the guards to break down in uncontrollable laughter, and entered The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor's throne room.
"Hey, look!" Luthiet said. "A shiny!"
The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor heard this and turned to them. He giggled and made the disguises disappear.
"Hey!" Luthiet said. "I worked for a whole five seconds on these!"
She then started to sing to The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor, and The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor fell asleep because it was a really boring song.
"Wow! Good work!" Bereo said.
"Don't tease," Luthiet sniffled. "It was supposed to touch his heart and make him reform."
"Yeah, right," scoffed Bereo. "Let's get these shinies!"
He sawed at them with his knife, but only got one off the throne before The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor woke up.
"Ahh!" both Luthiet and Bereo screamed, starting to run.
"Why are you running in circles?" The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor asked.
"Oh. Right," Bereo said, and they ran out the door.
"Oh, wait, snap!" The Evil Being Formerly Known As Melkor yelped, and started sprinting after them.
"Oh, no!" Luthiet said, "It's a wolfie!"
Bereo decided to be manly. "Shoo!" he said, waving at the wolf. The wolf ate his hand.
"Owowowowowowow!"
"Wimp," Luthiet said. She sang to the wolf, sending it to sleep.
"Why do my heart-touching songs that are supposed to reform evil beings always make them fall asleep?" Luthiet asked rhetorically. She started to wake the wolf so she could try again.
"No! Just run!" Bereo said.
"Fine," Luthiet said, and they ran back to Huan.
"Hey, Huan, heal him," Luthiet ordered.
"Um, no," Huan said. "Too hard."
"Lame," Luthiet said. "Well, we have the shiny. Let's go back home now and get married."
"Um, we don't have the shiny anymore," Bereo said, tossing the shiny behind his back. "We can't get married."
"What happened to it?"
"It was in the hand that the wolf ate," Bereo said, crossing the fingers on his good hand.
"Darn," Luthiet said. "Oh, well, Daddy'll probably let you marry me anyway, I just wanted a shiny for a wedding ring."
Bereo briefly contemplated killing Luthiet.
"Ah, well, let's go," she said. "Huan?"
Huan groaned, but gave the two a lift back to Doriath.
"Thanks!" Luthiet said when they got there. "Although you really could have gone faster."
Huan facepalmed.
"Oh, well. Bye!" she said, and flounced off.
"Hey, Huan," Bereo whispered, "go get the wolfie."
"Why?"
"Oh, no reason. Thanks, buddy."
Huan grumbled but fetched the wolfie.
"Oh, NO!" Bereo said. "We'd better go fight that wolfie! Oops. I DIED! I guess I won't get to be with Luthiet anymore. What a shame!"
"Nonsense!" Luthiet said. "I'll follow you into death!"
So she did. Huan was sort of glad, because this way, he was free of interfering elves. It didn't help much, though, because the wolf killed him, too.
"Yo, Mandos!" Luthiet said. "I wanna be alive again. I'll sing to you!"
"No, no, that's fine," Mandos said quickly. "You and Bereo can return to life. But," he added, "you both have to be mortal."
"Yeah, sure, fine," Luthiet said. Bereo groaned, and did not live happily ever after. Luthiet did, though.