This story is based off an experience I had a few days ago. I met a girl who is a freshman in high school. Her story really affected me. So much of what is in here is based on the conversation we had. My friends and I had all decided to go to an ice-cream shop for dinner after a chorus performance, and I ended up sitting with this girl. We didn't know each other until that night, and I still don't really know her. I've only seen her once or twice since, and all we really did was wave. All I know about her is her name, age, grade, some of her story, and that she knows my name. I doubt I'll ever understand what she's gone through or how to convince her to make decisions that will help her towards a happier life. This piece of writing is really personal to me. Kurt immediately popped into my head when I was trying to think of someone to have this conversation. A lot of it has to be changed because Kurt would use different words to try and reach her than I did because his experiences are different, but a lot of it will be coming directly from me, and almost everything I have her saying she actually said to me. I think that Kurt is the most like me in respects to how he would have reacted. I don't know if my actions were good, bad, or just okay, but they were what they were, and that's just how I dealt with the situation. I don't know why I feel compelled to write this experience into a fic; I wasn't even thinking about it until after I was about to go to sleep, but it really affected me, and I just feel like I need to write something about it. I did change her name because I feel almost like it's a violation of privacy writing this as it is, and I'm still shocked that she shared so much with me.
Long author's note aside, I hope you enjoy this.
Disclaimer: Glee is no more a possession of mine than the knowledge of the true question that results in an answer of 42 is. The only things that belong to me in this are the plot and the OC (who doesn't really belong to me since she's based off a real person, but you know what I mean).
"Your car should be ready by tomorrow morning so you can drive to school," Burt Hummel told his son.
"Thanks, dad," Kurt smiled, blowing his father a kiss as he got out of the car and stepped out into the Lima Bean parking lot. It was annoying having to wait to have his car serviced, especially because he wanted to be the one working on it, but ND had all decided to meet up tonight, and he didn't want to miss it. Kurt quickly spotted Mercedes who was talking to a girl a couple of inches shorter than her with shoulder length brown hair and dark eyes. She was a little chubby and had a little too much make up on. A phone was clutched in her hand, the full keyboard already slid out as if she was afraid she might not be able to text someone quick enough. Kurt didn't recognize her.
"Thanks for bringing me here, Mercedes. I still don't know if I want to join though," Kurt heard the girl say to Mercedes as he walked towards them.
"No prob, Honey," Mercedes quickly answered. Mercedes' face lit up as she saw her best friend and, she happily called out, "Kurt!"
Kurt abandoned walking, and ran up to Mercedes, giving her a hug.
"And who is this?" Kurt asked curiously, looking at Mercedes' companion.
"My name is Katrina," the girl answered, flashing Kurt a shy smile.
"Kurt Hummel at your service," Kurt replied, returning the smile, "Why don't I recognize you? What grade are you in?"
"I'm 15 and a freshman, but I transferred from Carmel High this year so the other freshies don't really know me" Katrina answered, "You?"
"I'm a junior now, and I'm 17, but my car's being serviced so my dad had to drop me off," Kurt responded, noting that she was not the first person to transfer from Carmel High.
"Come on, guys. I want some pie," Mercedes announced irritably, but her tone changed to one of happiness as she started walking towards the door, "Good thing the Bean's open 24/7 with pastries and coffee."
They sat down at a square table with four chairs. Kurt was on the corner, to the right of Katrina, and Mercedes put her jacket on the chair across from him. The rest of New Directions were scattered throughout the Bean, in either couples or small groups. Apparently, this wasn't going to be bonding time after all.
Katrina plopped her purse down and immediately started running her fingers over the cell-phone keyboard as if she had forgotten Kurt and Mercedes were there. She scowled and put the cell-phone down. "I really need to get some cigarettes," Katrina proclaimed.
"What?" Kurt asked, startled. He probably shouldn't have been. He knew people smoked all the time, and it wasn't something that he should be surprised by, but hearing someone just go out and announce that they needed cigarettes was a bit disconcerting.
Mercedes looked at Katrina like what she was saying was no big deal. "Look at that line," she exclaimed, rolling her eyes. Mercedes immediately started off towards to the end of the extremely long line and stood with her arms crossed, staring at the display case that was so far away from her and filled with delicious pastries.
"I don't know anyone in this town who can get me some cigarettes," Katrina complained, "I wish I was back in Carmel." Kurt was again shocked by how Katrina just went out and talked about her illegal activities as if it were no big deal. The only person he knew who did that was Puck, and Puck just did it to seem like a badass. This girl just seemed to be saying it because it was true and for no other reason.
"You shouldn't smoke," Kurt told her in what he hoped was a gentle tone, "Do you like go through withdrawal when you don't get cigarettes?"
"Yeah," Katrina answered easily, "My fingers get shaky and everything."
"You know you're only feeding your addiction, right?" Kurt asked, concerned. He hated the way his voice was sounding. He didn't know if he sounded fake or like he had a Hero complex or if he just sounded like a boring guidance counselor.
"I know," Katrina admitted, "I've been trying to quit. I used to smoke pot, but I quit that. Decided I wasn't gonna do it anymore."
"I think you should talk to Miss Pillsbury," Kurt told her, "A lot of people are there ready to give help to people who need it."
"Oh no. I don't need to talk to any guidance counselors," Katrina stated. Kurt looked at her as if he were about to argue, but Katrina continued calmly, "I have three therapists."
Three therapists? Kurt wondered in shock.
"There are other things you can do that will make you happy," Kurt tried to explain calmly; he didn't want to sound like a teacher giving a lecture, someone with an odd Hero complex, or worst of all fake. He didn't know what to do to let her know that he really meant what he said, "Things that won't hurt your body in the process, that aren't bad for you. You should start out with making some new friends here. Find people who like to do what makes you happy too."
"Nothing makes me happy," Katrina said all too calmly, "I've lost so many people," Katrina's voice lost its calm neutrality and was now sad. She put down the cellphone, holding out her hands. She held up an open hand, and then one with three fingers held up,"At least eight people. The only thing that made me happy before was my uncle, but he's gone now. He doesn't even get to see his niece grow up," Her voice cracked at the last sentence, and she teared up. Kurt looked down at the news of her uncle and other people close to Katrina. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he blinked them away. He knew what it was like to lose someone, but never so many. He was also shocked that she had just decided to unload all of this very personal information onto a more-or-less stranger.
"It gets better," Kurt tried to reassure her. He didn't think that those were the right words to use, especially because they were linked to an LGBT rights campaign, which was not what they were talking about right now, but they somehow seemed to fit. He couldn't tell her that losing someone would ever stop hurting or that not having them around ever was completely okay, but life gets better as you grow and learn, "Try reaching out to some people at the school. You might surprise yourself." Nobody can replace someone you lose, but having new people in your life to help you through isn't a bad thing, Kurt thought to himself, not voicing it because he wasn't sure if he should be talking about how it feels to lose someone.
Katrina just sat in silence. She looked a little surprised that Kurt was talking to her, but quickly dove back down to her cell-phone, texting once more.
"There are plenty of things that can make you happy," Kurt offered, "There are tons of wonderful people in this school that you just haven't gotten to know yet."
"Half of my family hates me. I know that. I'm not really a people person," Katrina countered as she looked up briefly at him before returning her gaze at the cell-phone screen. She had not said it sadly or stubbornly, but just as if it was a simple fact. Kurt was a bit taken aback by this, but he didn't know what to say in response. An "Of course that's not true" would have been empty and meaningless because he did not know her.
"Joining activities always helps. Chorus, band, drama club, glee club - all of those things have people in it who are there because they love to do what they do; I admit I'm a little biased towards music, but there's also French, German, Spanish, Latin, AV, chess, and even old maids' if you're not into music. Maybe joining will help you to form some relationships with people," Kurt decided to tell her. It probably wouldn't sink in, but it was the most he could say while being honest and sincere, drawing from a place of personal experience.
Katrina was busy typing something in and Kurt looked at her uncomfortably, waiting for a response, good or bad. "Katrina?" he asked.
Katrina looked up from the phone, "Oh, sorry. I zoned out."
"Mind on nicotine?" Kurt wondered.
"Oh no; I just zone out a lot," Katrina explained. Kurt had his suspicions as to why she zoned out so much.
Kurt told firmly, but not harshly, "You know, by asking people to get you cigarettes, you're asking them to break the law."
Katrina snorted, "Well, they shouldn't get me the cigarettes in the first place. I don't care. It's their fault."
"But you get mad at people if they don't get you them when you ask, right?" Kurt probed.
"Yeah," Katrina admitted, "The women are more uptight than the guys. Men will just get me cigarettes."
Kurt tried to stop his mouth from hanging open, and he looked down, "Why? Is it because they think they can get you..."
"No. The women just talk about how they have kids to think about and stuff," Katrina answered, "My dad's friend is awesome. He gives me cigarettes whenever I'm over."
"Do your parents or whoever you live with just not care?" Kurt asked; it may or may not have been tactful, but hell with it, "I mean if they cared about you they wouldn't want you to be doing things that are hurting you. If my dad ever..." Kurt stopped, unable to imagine his father being impassive about his son smoking pot or cigarettes.
"My dad knows I smoke. I tell him everything," Katrina stated offhandedly, "He doesn't approve of it, but he knows that I do it."
"Does your dad know that his friend is giving you cigarettes?" Kurt demanded.
"No," was Katrina's immediate response.
Kurt asked, "Does your dad's friend care about you?"
"Yes. of course he does," Katrina answered easily.
"Why is he giving you cigarettes, then?" Kurt prodded.
Katrina answered, seeming a little annoyed at Kurt's inability to see her side, "Because he knows they make me happy. He wants me to be happy, and he's awesome."
"There are other ways to be happy," Kurt tried to get her to understand.
"Nothing makes me happy," Katrina stated in just the same way she had before, as if it were a simple fact of life.
The conversation was halted as Mercedes came back to their table, triumphantly holding a Lima Bean store box with blueberry pie showing through the clear plastic in the top.
"Hey guys," Mercedes greeted them. She sat down, smiling at her box, "Kurt convince you to join glee yet?"
"You were thinking about joining glee?" Kurt asked with a genuine smile on his face.
Mercedes answered for her, "I've been trying to get her to join. She's in chorus. I caught her in one of the practice rooms singing. She has a great voice."
"I just don't know if I want to join," Katrina stated a little hesitantly.
"You should," Kurt told her, "Despite tons of drama, we're like a family. Everyone in the club loves what they're doing, and we respect each other; that's why it works. I can't promise that you'll be Miss Popular or anything, but it is a lot of fun."
"I would never be popular," Katrina said, "All the popular girls at my old school were sluts and bitches anyway."
"Well, that's definitely not the way it is here," Kurt told her, knowing that in part it wasn't true, but also believing that mostly it was true. Just because someone was well liked didn't mean (s)he was always a jerk. His mind flashed to when Mercedes had been on the Cheerios and one of the most popular girls in school, "Some of the popular kids are actually really nice and down to earth."
"Guys, I'm sorry," Mercedes cut in. Kurt realized that she'd been left out of the conversation. Mercedes went on, "It's really late. I didn't expect the line to be that long, and my dad's expecting me home by nine. You said your dad would be able to give you a ride home, hun?" Katrina nodded. Mercedes smiled, "See y'all later, K&K." Kurt smiled and waved goodbye to Mercedes as she turned to walk out the door.
"Whore," Katrina muttered as Mercedes walked away.
Kurt's eyes widened. Out of all the girls he knew, Mercedes was getting the least action. "What did you just call her?"
Katrina explained, "Oh, everyone's a slut or a whore to me." Kurt gaped, not quite sure how to respond to that. Katrina started texting again, seeming to have forgotten that she had just called Mercedes a whore, despite not knowing her. Kurt looked away from the table and found his eyes move to the now extremely short line at the counter of the Lima Bean. He was hungry, and had just gone through a plethora of awkward emotions.
Kurt got up, "I'm going to order something, okay?" Katrina just sat back and nodded, but seemed a little upset that he was leaving.
His eyes ran hungrily up and down the menu; he eventually settled on two slices of the delicious blueberry pie he had seen Mercedes carrying out which were $2.00 each. Kurt quickly calculated would get a five and a one when he used his 10, and finally get some smaller change bills. His wallet was mostly stuffed with 10's and 20's now.
"That would be four twenty-two," the woman behind the register told him. Curse the Ohio state sales tax! thought Kurt as he realized he had forgotten about sales tax, and would not be getting a one dollar bill back, but instead a handful of cumbersome change. He fumbled for the 10 dollar bill, and handed it to the woman. She slid it in and handed him a five as expected, and some change.
"Would you like us to warm the pie up for you?" the woman asked sweetly. Kurt's stomach grumbled, but he knew the pie would taste better warm.
"Yes please, if it's not too much trouble," Kurt answered. He pocketed the change, and as he was sliding the bills back into his wallet, Katrina caught his eye. She was motioning for him to come back to the table. Kurt lifted an eyebrow and returned to their table.
"Could you do me a favor?" Katrina asked, "I want a chocolate muffin. Could you get one for me?" She unfolded a 20 dollar bill, offering it to him.
"Of course," Kurt said, taking the $20. Katrina smiled at him gratefully. He walked up to the counter, seeing that his pie was still not ready.
Kurt said to the woman behind the counter, "One chocolate muffin, please." He saw that the muffins were labelled $1.69 each, and even with the cursed Ohio sales tax, there would be a lot of change.
"That'll be one seventy-eight," the woman said smiling at him, apparently happy that he had decided to order again. The woman put the twenty into the register and handed Kurt back a handful of bills and coins. "Your pie is ready," she announced unnecessarily as a cooking timer rang out, "Would you like the muffin warm as well?"
"No, thank you, Christina," Kurt said sweetly, reading the nice barista's nametag. The woman smiled again and handed over the food. Kurt walked back to the table, setting down the muffin and neatly dumping all of Katrina's change into her hand.
"Thanks, Kurt," Katrina said appreciatively and then dug into her muffin. Kurt was a little surprised that she remembered his name as nobody had even said it their entire time in the shop.
Kurt eyed his pie, wondering how long it would take for him to eat and decided that he would finish the first piece and then call his father. Kurt and Katrina ate in a comfortable silence. Katrina was still working on her muffin when Kurt finished his first piece, and whipped out his phone to call his father.
"Hey, dad. Can you come get me?" Kurt spoke into the phone.
"Sure, kiddo. Didn't know you'd be out so late," Burt Hummel's voice answered back.
Kurt smiled even though is father couldn't see him, "I didn't plan on it. The line was longer than Elizabeth Taylor's list of ex-husbands."
Kurt heard laughter coming from the other line that belonged to his father, "I'll be there soon, Kurt."
Kurt hung up, and began to work hungrily on his second slice of pie. Katrina had finished her muffin and started dialing a number of her own. Kurt didn't pay attention to the conversation, lost in blueberry goodness.
"How do you explain to someone where this place is?" Katrina asked exasperatedly, snapping Kurt out of his food-induced trance which would almost have been over anyway as there was a very small piece of the pie left. Katrina explained. "My dad doesn't know how to get here."
Kurt struggled to think of landmarks that someone from out-of-town would recognize. Unable to think of any he settled for, "Um... Mapquest?" Katrina laughed. Kurt smiled, not understanding why it was funny, but glad the mood had lightened from their earlier conversation. Kurt gulped down the rest of his pie and looked out of the window, waiting for his father's car to pull up. Kurt looked back at Katrina who apparently had figured something out with her father as she was no texting again. He didn't know how to reach out to her and make her want to make decisions that would lead to a happier life.
"So, you're in chorus?" Kurt asked, breaking the silence.
Katrina answered distractedly as she was texting, "Yeah."
"What do you plan on doing after high school?" Kurt wondered.
"I want to be either a singer or a song-writer," Katrina told him, still focused on the cell-phone screen.
Kurt felt himself smiling, "That's great. You should really stick with chorus and think about joining glee."
"Damn it! Nobody here can get me any cigarettes; I hate being stuck here," Katrina exclaimed huffily. She caught the look on Kurt's face, and said, "Oh, sorry. Did you ask me something? I zoned out again."
Kurt found himself upset that apparently nothing he was saying was getting through to her, "So, you'd rather be in Carmel where all the popular kids are bitchy sluts, and half the kids are smoking because they have easy access?"
"Yeah because I'd have some cigarettes right now," Katrina answered with casual honesty. Kurt was tempted to rip Katrina's phone away and send a text to all of her contacts to never let her have cigarettes, but quickly quashed the urge.
"You know they're terrible for your body," Kurt said.
Katrina shrugged, "I don't care," she rolled up one of the sleeves of her gray blouse, revealing long, thin, faded, pink scars on her arm, "Life is depressing. What does it matter when you die?"
Kurt stared at her arm. Katrina's three therapists seemed a lot more necessary now. "Four times?" was all he managed to choke out.
"Actually, you can't see all of them, and some of them have faded, but there were eleven," Katrina told him without showing embarrassment, "I know that I shouldn't be doing it, and I hate myself for it, but that's how I deal with pain. When I'm about to cut, I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just give in."
Kurt stopped himself from swallowing and just sat there. Katrina studied him, as if surprised he didn't run out of the door in repulsion, not that she would have cared if he did. She acted like she was the type of person who would just tell people who she was, and if they didn't like it, screw them.
Burt Hummel's car horn honked out, and Kurt jumped.
"My dad's here," Kurt told Katrina.
"Would you mind giving me a lift to the High School? My dad knows how to get there, but not this place, " Katrina said motioning to the shop around them.
"I'll ask him," Kurt answered with a smile. He left the shop, and Katrina followed him to Burt's car.
Kurt opened the front passenger car door and said, "This is my friend, Katrina. Would it be okay if we gave her a ride to McKinley High?"
"Of course," Burt replied, "Nice to meet you, Katrina." Burt tipped his hat to her.
"Your dad's really nice," Katrina whispered to Kurt before opening the door to the back seats. Kurt smiled, and got in the front next to his father.
"So, how do you and Kurt know each other?" Burt asked.
Kurt answered for Katrina, "Mercedes invited her tonight to come to the Lima Bean. She's trying to recruit her for glee."
"That club is really something special, kid. You should think about joining it," Burt said to Katrina, turning his head back briefly.
"Mercedes caught me singing in a practice room at the high school after our concert," Katrina explained, "I don't know if glee's for me."
"Well at least think about it," Kurt told her, "Music's really something that can help you through life. It's a great natural high too." He winced as he realized he sounded like a guidance counselor. Katrina just remained silent in the back.
"And we're here," Burt said as they pulled up to McKinley High.
"Is your dad here yet?" Kurt asked.
Katrina looked around, "No, but I'll be fine."
"Do you want us to wait here with you?" Burt asked. Katrina shook her head.
"The lights are still on from the concert, and the door's probably unlocked if you want to wait inside," Kurt blabbered. Katrina got out of the car.
"Bye; it was nice meeting you" she said.
Before the door closed, Kurt called out, "Bye, it was nice meeting you too, and stick with chorus at the very least, even if you're not going to join glee."
"She seems nice," Burt commented as they started driving home.
Kurt responded, "She is, but I feel like crap right now."
"Why?" Burt worried.
"I'll explain the whole thing when we get home," Kurt answered. Kurt wished that she would take his advice and join glee, but doubted that she would. How do you get through to someone? He wondered sadly.
Katrina saying "Nothing makes me happy" popped into Kurt's head, and he hoped that there would be a day when Katrina denounce the phrase's legitimacy. He sighed and closed his eyes as his father drove home.