Enough, for now - by Helen
O'Neill finds himself suddenly confessing personal doubts to an unsuspecting Carter...
(My first ever piece of fan-fiction! I'd like to develop my ideas further but I'll start short for now and
work my way up to longer, more plot driven works as I gain in confidence.)
It should have been different, there was no romance - at least none of the romance that lovers
daydream about, constructing perfect and intricate scenarios for themselves. The suddeness
added a spark of its own. There was no time for thought, no time for regrets.
The day had been uneventful and the team settled down for what looked to be a peaceful night.
The planet they were exploring was safe and devoid of intelligent life. They had not been thrust
into danger as seemed to happen on so many missions recently but their experience and
professionalism would not let them be completely at ease as they allocated watches for the night
and set their camp in a secluded grove where they could keep an eye on the stargate from a
sheltered position.
'Carter?' The Colonel scratched on the tent flap. 'Come in Sir', came the reply - muffled slightly
through the thick canvas material.
Colonel Jack O'Neill pushed aside the barrier between them and stooped as he stepped into the
dimly lit interior. And there she was, gorgeous in the torchlight, her pale face luminous and her
dark eyes large and questioning. 'You have third watch...' he faltered, unable to finish his
sentence, overcome in her presence in a way he had never been before - a way he had fought so
hard against letting himself succumb to.
They stood there, facing each other in the growing silence. Jack unable to speak and Sam's
expression changing from puzzlement to embarassed uncertainty at the realisation that they were
alone and not speaking, no work, no conversation to distract themselves and paper over the
awkwardness of being alone together. Usually these moments ended as quickly as they began -
one or other of them would have some pressing reason to turn and leave. Sam knew that she
herself had engineered many of those moments, allowing herself to gaze into his eyes and bask in
mutual pleasure and shared emotion for just a second or two before forcing herself to leave -
making sure she always had a real reason to prevent her staying longer. It wasn't hard to spot
their deliberate contrivances and she was sure that Jack knew, and revelled in the knowing as
much as she herself did when he orchestrated little moments of his own.
This was not planned, not by either of them. There were no lift doors about to close and safely
separate them - no airmen on patrol about to come 'round the corner. This one hit them both hard
as they found themselves unexpectedly disarmed in each others presence - it had happened
before but never in such a peaceful setting with nothing to distract them...
Sam seemed frozen, so strong and tough and yet right now, this moment, she was like a deer
caught in the headlights. Her eyes seemed huge and her frame seemed overly delicate in her
black, military-issue vest top with her white arms exposed to the shoulder. Jack's muscled arms
hung loosely and motionless at his sides and his short-cropped, graying hair shone like mercury.
He wore a slight frown and his expression was one of sadness, his eyes dimmed with pain and he
looked so utterly dejected that Sam was suddenly scared, worried for what had happened. She
couldn't imagine what might have gone wrong here - there had been no alarm raised, no noise at
all.
'Sir? Sir? What's the matter, what's happened? She took a step closer as if to push past him and
see what was happening outside.
'Wait! Carter...Sam. It's..there's nothing wrong. I just, I ...he faltered again and the hand he had
half raised to stop her leaving fell back to his side one more. He took a deep, shuddering breath
and lifted his eyes to meet her concerned gaze.
'I just realised' he began again hesitantly 'You...you are so perfect and I don't deserve you, I don't
deserve to even think about you like this but God forgive me I can't help it', his words came out in
a rush as if he was forcing them and each one seemed to cause him more pain. He moved
suddenly making and Sam jump as he almost seemed to stumble across the tent. He sank down
onto a crate, leaning his head back against a pole and closing his eyes tightly. Sam knelt down
close to him and began to reach out a comforting hand, letting it fall before she reached him,
unable to allow herself to touch him, afraid of what it would lead to.
He opened his eyes again and fixed her gaze, pinning her where she knelt with the insensity, an
intensity she had seldom seen from him. She had both dreaded and anticipated this moment -
knowing it would come eventually but knowing she would never be prepared for it when it came -
never sure which one of them would crack first and what would happen when they did.
She was speechless - she wanted both to hear him out and to stop him in his tracks before he
went too far, said things that would change everything and lead them along a path from whence
there could be no return.
'I know there are rules and regulations', he spoke up again, startling her once more with his
sudden speech. 'Regardless of all that..rules can be broken, but look at me'. He lowered his head
into his hands and sighed loudly. 'I'm old Carter'.
'Sir please, I...what are you saying?' she begged of him, her eyes mirroring his distress. She hated
seeing him in pain and this seemed far worse than any physical hurt she had ever witnessed him
receive.
'I cannot compare to you Carter, you are so full of life, so beautiful, so strong...so smart..' his litany
faded softly as if each word was a wound, gradually killing him. '...and I will never deserve you', he
finished in a whipser. His hands were covering his face yet he still met her gaze through his
spread fingers.
Realisation came crashing down, Sam was dumbstruck at his admission. She shook her head in
disbelief. She never imagined it happening like this - she had imagined passion, wild and
unbridled as they both snapped under the pressure of their emotions. She had imagined so many
different scenarios; conversations where they decided at last to admit their feelings leading to
conversations where they agreed to persue a relationship or to carry on as before and supress
their desires for the good of the team and their careers.But what she had never imagined was
Colonel Jack O'Neil; ex-special forces, tough as they come, confident, self-assured and full of fun,
trying to tell her that he wasn't good enough for her.
This time she did not stay her hand, she reached out and gently held his knee trying to reassure
him with her touch. In every situation she had imagined she had always, eventually, rewritten it in
her head so that she remained strong. She had always been able to find the words to say that
would stop them going too far, saying too much. Now she was completely alone, no pre-made
speeches to fall back on and only the unrehearsed truth available to her.
Jack looked at her hand as is it burned him yet his leg remained still and steady as if he was
afraid that any movement he made might cause her to remove it.
Sam made a decision, she could not possibly allow him to suffer in this way - whatever happened
afterwards she knew that she could not be a part of causing pain to the man she loved.
'Sir?' He looked up at her, grief written plain on his features as he awaited he words that he knew
would break his heart beyond repair.
'Jack...I've never seen you like this, I had no idea...I...' this time it was Sam that faltered, unable to
continue, unsure of how to express herself. He placed his own hand lightly atop hers, gently and
hesitantly, as if he was unsure whether she would permit his touch.
'Jack, you know how I feel about you, you know that I...I love you'. Sam was incredulous at what
she was saying, she couldn't beleive she was admitting this out loud but it was too late to stop
now.
'I can't bear it to see you looking so hurt, not for anything, especially not for me, not when it's all so
untrue, so stupidly untrue.' Jack started at her words and suddenly hurt was replaced with fear
and hope in equal measures.
Sam reached gently took her hand out from under his and reached up tentatively to touch his
face, her delicate fingertips just brushing over the bones of his cheek. 'To me, you are the most
handsome man I have ever set eyes on. Your face, your eyes, your smile, your hands...' her own
litany paused as she trailed her fingers around the parts she was listing, letting her hand fall down
to his and allowing him to enfold it in his uncertain grip, each word a balm to heal the hurts that he
had caused to himself with his own, self-critical tirade.
'How could you think, for even a moment that you could not match up to anyone...to me?'. She
blushed at her own words and looked down to their entwined hands again.
And suddenly a spark of the old Jack was back as he smiled at her, goofy once more as
realisation dawned for the second time for him. His grip grew firmer and his smile was infectuous
as always, making her reciprocate with a smile of her own when she met his eyes once more.
Jack was as overwhelmed by the love he felt as he had been when he first walked in and yet this
time, that surge of emotion was not accompanied by the gut-wrenching self doubt that had
unmanned him moments before. He was so enraptured by that simple, heartfelt declaration of
love and her compliments that he acted without thinking, without even needing to.
He stood as suddenly as he had sat down, as if her beauty had stolen his strength away and then
her words had restored him. He pulled her up after him and gently placed his hands on her
shoulders, holding her in place with his eyes more firmly than with his hands. Her head was tilted
up slightly to compensate for his greater height while they gazed into each others eyes in silence
once more. He bent closer, and slowly brushed his lips against hers, drawing back and then
kissing her again as if he could not tear himself away. Their kiss deepened and turned from
feather light to passionate and deep. He kissed her slowly, for all his passion, savouring every
moment and every sensation and wishing for the moment to last forever.
They finally parted and he rested his forehead upon hers, looking into eyes that were as suprised
as his. They had finally stepped over the last flimsy barriers that they had erected to separate
propriety from desire and relief was mixed with joy and dread for the both of them as they
considered what would happen next.
Jack thought he would be digusted with himself for weakening and breaking the regulations that
they had fought so hard to maintain but he was not. He thought he would be heartbroken to allow
one kiss and then deny themselves taking things further - a tease that would destroy him, But it
did not, he was content and he could not understand why. They had spoken their love out loud
and sealed it with but a single kiss and yet it was enough.
It was enough that she loved him, as fiercely and strong as he loved her. It was enough that they
had shared this one kiss and could step back into their military roles and carry out their duties,
safe in the knowledge that they had shared this moment at last and that if anything happened to
either of them then the other would be comforted with the memories of this one night - knowing
that they had finally given their hearts into each others keeping.
They could hide it from everyone else, they would have to, but they both knew now that they could
never hide it from each other again.
Jack smiled again pressing his soft lips onto her cheek and releasing his hold so he could leave
the tent and go back to ther others.
One day they would share more...but this was enough for now...for them both