Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney and all of its gay lawyers do not belong to me. You win this round Capcom.
A Game of Clue
"Why do you get to be Mrs. Peacock? I'm the one with the blue suit!" the defense attorney whined as the small blue piece was held just out of his reach. He ignored the digging of the whip's leather butt into his cheek as he the tip of his finger brushed the plastic.
"Because you foolish fool," a sharp voice said, "You have no foolish reason to be a woman of such class and taste. Unlike myself," and with a crack that silenced the spiky haired man, the piece was placed on the board with rough precision.
"Honestly Wright," came a cool smooth voice from the other side of the table, "you should know better than to argue with her about, well anything." The prosecutor's trademark magenta jacket was hung over the man's chair, but the cravat remained, blaringly reminding everyone that Miles Edgeworth did nothing, including a board game with "acquaintances", without formality. He was passively aggressively guarding the precious red piece in his left hand, while his right drummed on the table.
The Fey assistant sat between the two prosecutors, casually tossing Professor Plum's piece up in the air. She grinned as she watched the interaction between the two men, and leaned her chair back, balancing on two legs.
A hand slapped on the table. "But Nick's got a point though!" None other than Larry Butz grinned as he winked at no one in particular, holding up the yellow icon of Colonel Mustard victoriously. "I mean, his name is "Phoenix", a kind of bird right? And "Peacock" is a type of bird right? So Nick should get to be the blue lady!" A ferocious glare from another blue lady across the table stopped him there, but not before Phoenix could vocally agree.
"Exactly Larry!" he said with a familiar pointer finger emphasizing his cause. " 'Phoenix' and 'Peacock' are practically the same animal. Coupled with the fact that Mrs. Peacock is blue and I wear a blue suit every day to work, it is only perfectly appropriate" Franziska's eye twitched at the 'p' word, "that I play as the blue character. Therefore, give me-"
"OBJECTION!" rang out in the small room, causing Maya and her chair to fall back with a yelp. Edgeworth had the Demon Prosecutor smirk as he shook his finger at the surprised attorney. "If you are going to go by a naming convention Wright, then you cannot confine it to your forename."
The defense attorney nervously looked between the two victorious prosecutors, Franziska's grin matching Edgeworth's. Both had their arms crossed in the usual haughty way.
"In fact, Wright. I would say that your name has more in common with another lady roaming the mansion."
Maya had picked herself up off the floor with a huff, but smirked with the prosecutors as her boss became more and more confused. She grabbed the white piece that had been neglected in the middle and held it out for the befuddled man. "Here you go Nick! Or should I say, Mrs. White."
"The maid! The maid! Why do I have to be the maid?!" Phoenix crossed his arms and pouted while the red and blue players rolled their eyes and sympathetic yellow and purple tried to console him. As the detective carrying nachos walked in, he heard the defense attorney mumble "I hate you guys…always ganging up on me…stupid German prosecutors…"
Gumshoe uncomfortably sat between Franziska and Phoenix, mutely offering the dripping chips, but stopped bashfully as Edgeworth gave him the classic wage-cutting death glare. Phoenix helped him wipe some stray cheese off his green playing piece.
The game was set.
Maya shuffled all of the cards carefully, so not to anger Mrs. Peacock with a horribly disastrous bent corner. Colonel Butz drew the location, Phoenix White drew the weapon, and Franziska Von Peacock picked the murderer. Scarlet Edgeworth tucked the three cards away in the confidential green packet while Gumshoe Green was given the task of dealing the hands. One he would never hold again when he dropped the Pistol card and it became public knowledge, much to the excitement of three players and anger of the other two. Nevertheless, the cards were dealt and the next minute only found the scratching of pencils on notepads, pardoning Larry murmuring his clues out loud.
Phoenix heard "the colonel" mutter "I can't be my own alibi…who would believe me?" The defense attorney turned maid smirked and crossed off Colonel Mustard as a suspect, then looked at his own cards. First he had the Rope. To his petulant disappointment, the undeserving Mrs. Peacock was also not the murderer and he was surprised to have Professor Plum's card. With the way things usually went, he wouldn't be surprised if Maya got caught up in a simple game of Clue.
He looked around the table, to try and glean information from his opponent's faces. Larry was struggling with the logic and had his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth in deep deep concentration. Edgeworth and Franziska were stoic as usual, sipping their goddamn glasses of merlot. Maya looked disappointed in her cards and Gumshoe was definitely processing something…whether it was the card game, the nachos, or what to get after the nachos, Phoenix couldn't be sure.
They followed the universal rule and Miss Edgeworth rolled first. Everyone got decent numbers, except of course, Gumshoe who just made it out of the alcove with a 1. Maya rolled the dice off the table, which spawned a short lecture from Mrs. Peacock about being careful with better people's things.
Edgeworth reached a room first. He accused Mrs. White in the Lounge with the Rope. Phoenix produced the Rope card to disprove the suggestion and Maya asked, "What are Miss Scarlet and Mrs. White doing exactly with that rope in the Lounge?"
"No Maya," Phoenix said, "I have the rope."
"So, does that mean you tied him up?"
"No!" Phoenix could feel himself blushing. "It means that the rope wasn't used in the murder."
"I didn't say you murdered Mr. Edgeworth," Maya said grinning. "In the Lounge. With the Rope."
Everyone, proceeded to write down the dismissal of the Rope, causing Phoenix to swear at his slip of tongue.
Colonel Butz imported Mrs. Peacock into the Dining Room and gave her the Rope as a weapon. No one said anything for a moment and Larry said, "What? If she's gonna kill anyone, it's with that freaking whip of hers!" Phoenix sighed, and showed him the Rope card. Franziska gave a quiet swear that started with 'f'; her journey to the Conservatory now disrupted.
Phoenix took advantage of his newly lounging location and took the secret passage to the Conservatory, much to the annoyance of Franziska. A gulp of his soda later, he accused Edgeworth in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe.
"Seriously Wright. You think I would be so crass and uncultured as to bludgeon someone with a piece of plumbing? Surely you don't think I would stoop so low."
As Franziska showed him the Conservatory card, Phoenix said, "Yeah yeah. A murder of that nature would be way beneath you."
Gumshoe still hadn't made it to a room and whined "Why hasn't anyone accused me?"
Both Edgeworth and Franziska replied, "How could you possibly pull this off?"
Franziska found her way to the Lounge and brought in the Knife and the maid. "Foolish fool. You thought you could get away from murder. But a Von Karma always knows who is guilty!"
Phoenix muttered, "It's because I'm the butler isn't it?"
But Maya said, "You're not a man anymore Nick. Besides, here's what wrong with the scenario." She showed Franziska a clue. After Maya pulled a Gumshoe, still waiting for a room, Edgeworth rolled.
In the Ballroom, he accused Mrs. Phoenix with the Candlestick. Gumshoe was the first able to disprove.
Larry stayed in the Dining Room and guessed Professor Maya with the Rope. Edgeworth sighed deeply, took a deeper sip of whine and Phoenix broadcasted the card with the Rope on it, and attempted to explain to Larry why the Rope could not be used as a weapon in the murder.
"But Nick," Larry said. "It's the perfect crime! It could totally be made to look like a suicide."
"Larry! It's not the weapon!"
"How do you know Nick? Where is your lawyer evidence?"
"It's right here on the freaking card! I've had it the whole time."
"But how do we know, that it wasn't planted to throw me off the case? That's how a murderer thinks," Larry said grinning triumphantly.
"Fine," Phoenix said, giving up. "You know how we know it's not the weapon. Franziska uses a rope and now she has it!" Phoenix threw the card at the prosecutor. "See! See! Franziska has the Rope and I know she didn't do it, so there's no way the Rope could be the weapon!"
Silence followed the tirade, and then everyone scribbled out Mrs. Peacock as a suspect. Phoenix swore again and shot Larry a dirty look. "You can't have you're foolish card back, fool," the now proven innocent prosecutor said with a smug look on her face.
Phoenix took a deeper dreg of his soda, wishing it was alcohol and said, "Gumshoe, get your green ass in here!"
"Sure pal!" the detective grinned, happy to be in a room, ripe for acquisitioning.
The annoyed attorney threw in a wrench for giggles and Gumshoe proved his own innocence. Phoenix scribbled in his notebook and blanched. To his horror, the only two that could be the murderer were him…or the Scarlet prosecutor. He looked up to Edgeworth's face, to try and see the guilt that lay within, but alas he looked more bored than anything.
It all made sense now. Edgeworth knew they were the only two left! That's why he kept accusing Phoenix. Trying to throw him of the scent eeeeh? Well, not this time Demon Prosecutor! Phoenix unconsciously slammed his fist on the table, causing Maya to squeak and fall on the floor again.
Mr. Gumshoe stood and pronounced, "I'm going to the kitchen for some Cheetos. Anyone want anything?"
Scarlet looked at him with raised eyebrows. "You aren't going to use your turn?"
"I will Mr. Edgeworth," he said, "I'll just move when I get back."
Phoenix saw Franziska's eyebrow twitch in annoyance. As the detective left, Maya shrugged and with remarkably unconvincing feigned clumsiness, rolled the dice. As it showed a six she stomped her foot and vehemently shoved him out of the ballroom and towards the kitchen. "He wanted to go to the kitchen…I'll show Mr. Green-Six-Detective the kitchen!"
Gumshoe came back in the middle of Maya's accusations of Larry in the Dining Room with the Knife. He tried to protest, but no one gave him much mind and Mr. Edgeworth showed her a card before moving to the Conservatory.
Phoenix was pulled along again in Miles's dastardly plan to pull him away from the herd. He accused his childhood friend of murder in a gloriously lit room with a dastardly…chalice?
"What the hell Edgeworth?" Phoenix said, looking at the small golden cup between the red and white pieces.
"Whatever do you mean Wright?"
"A freaking cup?! That's not a weapon!"
"Of course it is you bumbling idiot. It's right there on the board."
"But it's not a weapon. There's the wrench, pipe, rope, pistol, candlestick, and knife. There's no freaking cup."
Edgeworth ran his fingers through his bangs as he dejectedly shook his head, "Who do you think we are? Savages? Why would we ever play anything less than the Special Collector's Edition of Clue? This isn't the Steel Samurai edition."
Maya clapped her hands together. "Although, I'm sure you have that edition, don't you Mr. Edgeworth?"
The prosecutor said nothing and Phoenix wondered how many Psychlocks would be appearing if he would have been the genius to bring the magatama. Gumshoe showed Scarlet a card and an odd look, which received a narrowing of the eyes from the cravated man.
Everyone looked to Larry, who had stolen the pistol figurine from the middle and was playing some sort of action hero with his small yellow figurine. In a pretend bass voice, he monologued: "One man. One world. One Butz. The day has come. The president's daughter has been kidnapped by ninjas and it's up to the coolest and most bad-assetsed secret agent in town. Special Agent Butz is on the mission. He surveys the scene to see a young girl in purple with a knife in the dining room! Agent Butz does an awesome back flip out of the room, and girl immediately falls in love with him and his awesome agent skills."
Larry's eyes fell upon the goblet in the Conservatory between the two attorneys. "Oh no!" he continued. "Not only has the president's daughter been kidnapped and tied up; she's been poisoned! I'll save you!" He threw his yellow piece and the tiny gun at Mrs. Peacock, waiting outside the hall. The clink of the gun seemed to end his sequence and snap him out of his train of thought.
The room was silent and everyone was looking at the abashed Colonel. Von Karma raised an eyebrow, more in concern than annoyance and brought the glass of merlot to her lips. Larry's eyes widened.
"President's daughter! Nooooooooooooo!" And Larry, in classic Butz fashion, leapt over the game table, knocking the wineglass out of her hand, spilling the expensive wine all over her prosecutor's uniform. Everyone gasped, including Edgeworth.
Franziska was completely still, and Larry was recovering from his less than graceful jump. She observed the damage and looked at the real-life goblet rolling on the new pristine, red-stained carpet. As she grabbed her whip, Gumshoe yelled, "Run pal! Ruuuuuuuuun!"
With the game down two players, Phoenix suggested they stop. Maya Plum disagreed, putting on her stubborn face and Edgeworth took her side, agreeing that it wouldn't take his sister long to flay their childhood friend.
Mrs. White turned his attention back to the game. He was in the Conservatory with the murderer, but how to prove it. Moving both their pieces to the Lounge, he pulled in the wrench and accused Miss Scarlet once more.
"A wrench now?" Edgeworth said. "I suppose I should be glad it's not a broken beer bottle."
"Hey," the attorney retorted, "at least you're fixing the pipes now."
Maya showed him the Lounge. Dammit! He was getting nowhere fast.
Finally, it was Gumshoe's turn. He pushed his piece into the kitchen and stared at the board. Then at his paper. Back to the board, and back to the paper. Once more to the board. He slowly slid the knife from the Dining Room. He reached over to the Lounge and paused his fingers between Mrs. White and Miss Scarlet. He checked his paper again before plucking up the blood red piece and moving it to the Kitchen.
"Sorry sir," Gumshoe said, eyes downcast. "It was you in the Kitchen with the Knife."
Professor Fey put her hand to her chin. "That does make sense! He was probably making a sandwich and someone scared him!"
"I don't think Edgeworth is that high-strung Maya," Phoenix said, observing the odd situation in the corner of the board.
"Well, we'll just have to wait and see how high strung I am until Franziska gets back," the remaining prosecutor said, taking a drink of the almost empty glass.
"No you don't, Mr. Edgeworth," Gumshoe said, "I accuse you. This isn't a guess. You're the murderer with the Knife in the Kitchen. You can check the middle."
Miles sighed once again. "Very well, I am ready for this game to be over anyway."
He reached under the carnage Colonel Butz had created on the board and grabbed the dark packet. He pulled out the three final cards and looked at them with a bored expression. The first card, he nodded uncaringly; the second card, he paused and looked at Gumshoe with an unreadable glance; the third card was a look of anger and disbelief on its own.
"This…this…is blasphemy!" he yelled, scaring Maya to the floor for the third time. "This was your first guess! You left the room twice! You weren't even paying attention! This is an outrage!"
Phoenix stood up, out of swinging range of the furious prosecutor. Gumshoe didn't move, but looked more embarrassed than ever before.
"I am a detective Mr. Edgeworth," the former Mr. Green said. "It's my job to figure this stuff out."
The previously Scarlet prosecutor threw down the cards in disgust and stormed into the real kitchen, no doubt to fill his glass again before possibly grabbing a real knife.
As Maya and Gumshoe began to gather up the pieces, Phoenix saw a glint of metal from under the detective's trench coat.
"Hey Detective," the attorney said. "Can I borrow those for tonight?" He pointed at the handcuffs.
"I dunno pal," the green man said, "it's kinda against policy."
"But you make them look so cool! I'll give them back in the morning!"
"Well, I don't suppose there's much harm you can do with them," Gumshoe said, grinning and scratching his head.
Phoenix no-longer-White twirled the handcuffs around his finger as he walked toward the kitchen.
"After all, I've got a murderer to apprehend."
*****
AN: Welp, my first full blown Phoenix Wright fic. Now I will never be the same when playing that board game. I suppose Gumshoe had to be good at something.