This is a story about May and a meeting she had with a very special person. I hope you enjoy it.
"I STILL CAN SEE MYSELF UNDER THE RAIN"
The girl was gone, and the sky started to cry again. She opened her umbrella, her figure slowly fading away from my sight as she walked away. I was left alone once more. I still remember the day that she left. She was very talkative, and I appreciated that, as I always do when I happen to meet someone who likes to talk that much, because I'm more of the listening kind. I don't speak very much, but there was a time I was like that girl, not realizing back then how gloomy and dull my heart would become.
Perhaps it was my destiny to become someone like this, even if I never wanted to. My mother once told me that every person should make a path for oneself, that nothing is destined, because what happens to you is just a consequence of the choices you have made in your life. Indeed, I made choices in my life, as I grew up.
I assumed that my life as a teen wouldn't last forever, therefore I had no choice but to do what any normal human being would do in my place: choose a career, study a lot, get my degree, find a job, fall in love with a loving man, form a family, have children, watch them grow, and die. Of course, I'm still alive, as I haven't even reached point number 3 in my lifetime list. But that's the way I intend to follow and I have no plans of changing it, I've come too far, and that's a choice I've made years ago, when I decided to leave my old life behind. I also left my little brother who is now living with my parents; I left my friends, and I left him: the boy I loved and I will always love from here until the day my heart stops beating.
Every minute, every second I spend in this world, I regret making that decision. It happened so fast that sometimes I have a hard time trying to remember their faces. I chose to abandon the life I built in the Pokémon world and become a regular human being, like everyone else. Hoenn, Sinnoh, Pallet town. I bid farewell to all of them.
However, there is a face that I will never forget, even if my life was to be threatened into doing it: that boy's face. Even his name is something unforgettable: Ash. I don't think I'll ever meet someone with that name in my life, so that makes things easier for me.
But there's something more. This boy is not like every other boy. He is different. He's the most handsome boy I've ever met in my life. He left a big impact on me. Sometimes I tend to wake up in the middle of the night after having a dream about him. In my dream, he always shows up in front of me, offering me his hand and asking me to hold it. I do as he says, for I can't refuse to such a tempting offer, and he looks me in the eyes with passion. I start blushing, a situation he finds amusing, but he also finds that I am uncomfortable, so he leans forward and proceeds to whisper softly in my ear, saying that everything is fine and that I have nothing to fear, and after a moment of silence, I feel his lips pressed into mine, and the warmth of his body is almost real. Almost, because I wake up abruptly and cursing everything in existence for not being able to continue enjoying that sweet dream.
I no longer feel happy the way I was back then when he used to hold me tight with his soft arms and tell me with his calm, secure voice about his battles and the badges he managed to get. I particularly remember that story he told me once about a white and purple creature, so powerful that he was feared by his pairs and by humans also. I was really excited because I wanted to meet that creature but he told me not to, because he was he kind of monster who wanted to be left alone with his thoughts. Ash was very protective of me. I can't forget his reassuring smile, his confidence in his skills, his loyalty to his little yellow friend, his mercy for his enemies and rivals. Those kind of things being taken away from you makes one wonder why can't a person enjoy those moments a bit more when they're actually happening, and not only when they are just a painful memory. Call me crazy, but there are some days that I can hear his voice calling me through the wind, and when that happens I turn back, expecting to see him with a big smile, but what I only see is people walking in the streets or driving their cars to work, nothing special.
I live a different life now. I wonder what Ash and the others would think if they could see me right now. Past are the days when I used to have little creatures as my friends and brave fighters at the same time. I don't travel along with my old friends anymore, I don't visit fancy new towns, I don't meet new people in the process or win medals or ribbons after an exciting battle, or even risk my life after knowing that some things are bigger than the world you're used to. Nevertheless, not everything was a fairytale during the old days. My existence was put in danger a lot of times, and somehow I managed to stay in one piece, and live to see another dawn.
There are no dangers here in this city full of smoke. Everything is noisy, of course, but I can promise that no one is going to be attacked by a psychic gigantic monster or a bunch of big electrical orbs. Those are things that happen only in dreams. Traffic lights, robbery, sirens, cops chasing criminals, people talking about how hard their day was at the office, worried faces about overdue bills. The real danger now is to be killed by a real human being holding a fire gun instead of a whimsical creature.
Some people may say that it was a very interesting life, one that you could never find boring, and they would be right, if they start to compare what I did before and what I'm doing in the present: wake up at 6 am, have a shower, go to college, chat with my classmates, get a lot of homework to do, walk back home, go out for shopping, make dinner, do my homework, watch a movie, go to sleep, and start over again. A routine I could easily follow with my eyes closed and my arms tied. And since I live alone, it's even easier for me, but it doesn't change the fact that is still an emotionless life for someone who used to talk with weird animals and face a criminal organization years ago.
There are days when I ask to myself weird, illogical questions, theories that people would laugh at if they got a chance to hear, mocking me in the process. It wouldn't be surprising to get a reaction of that kind, considering that sometimes I dream of time travelling, so I get the chance to visit old places, chat with people I used to think were dead, and spend several minutes observing him, every move, and how he smiles at me, without knowing that I love him… or maybe he is suspicious, that's something he never told me. And because of that dream, I always read the news, waiting for the day some crazy scientist finds a way to travel to the past and finally be able to undo some decisions that we humans, as imperfect as we are, have made. I know that those things sound stupid and senseless. But what wouldn't I give to get one chance to be young again, to spend more time with Max, Brock and Ash, who made it possible for me to see a world undiscovered by many.
I've changed since those days. I can't be sure if those changes were big or if they barely had any effects on me. I can't be sure, since those who knew me when I used to spend a portion of my life travelling around the world are now gone, and I haven't seen them for God knows how many years.
The mirror in my bathroom tells me I'm taller now and still a brunette, but my hair color is darker and longer, I have blackish eye bags as a consequence of non-sleeping days and lots of books to read, and I've lost the sense of fashion long time ago. I used to wear some fancy clothes back when I shared my adventures with Ash, but not anymore. Society changed me. But there was someone who did like to wear those outfits. That someone was a very special person to me. She was brave enough to enter this sanctuary of solitude that is my house, and at the same time, she managed to make contact with this lonely and weird girl that is me.
I don't have many visitors. I'm a quiet girl who loves peace and silence, so it's harder for me to make new friends, especially those who like to talk a lot and be the center of attention. There are one or two nice girls in my university with whom I get along really well. But, unlike me, they really know how to have fun. They love to go out every weekend, have a drink or two, and spend the night with a boy. I don't like that, but perhaps my old self would have enjoyed that kind of entertainment. I am a shadow of what I used to be.
My old self…
Her name is May, just like me. She used to come to see me, to know how I was doing with my new life. She followed the same pattern every time she approached my house: she would knock my door gently, and I would always greet her cheerfully, which is immediately followed by a big smile on her face that would make my heart beat faster. And she would be dressed as usual: her classic red shirt secured by a yellow backpack, a white skirt covering dark blue shorts, and a red and white kerchief over her beautiful brown hair. She looked like she was straight out of a Japanese animation. As for me, things wouldn't be so different, however only the passage of time could distinguish between the two. I wore a white shirt, blue pants and a pair or dirty white trainers. That's all, nothing attractive. My charm is gone, but that was not going to stop me being polite with others, especially with her.
"Please, come in, take a seat, and make yourself at home".
Those were the words that I chose to welcome her, and her smile became even bigger. It didn't matter what I would be doing whenever she showed herself up, it had to wait. After all, how could I refuse to let her in? She was so full of life, so happy, and so pretty. If I were a boy I would fall in love for her instantly. Her beautiful blue eyes… when I looked her there I imagined myself diving in an endless ocean. Peacefully, along with sea creatures, I swam across the waters, thinking about Ash. I still didn't understand why he didn't make a move or maybe return her love for him, even when it was pretty obvious that she loved him? That I loved him? I wish I could find him and ask him about it, but I don't even know where he is living right now. I'm not sure if he's still spending his days training with his sparking yellow friend or enjoying a meal with his mother in his hometown. Perhaps he moved to the city, like me, to start a brand new life. I can't help but wonder if he has changed the way I have. Will he look older, uglier? Will he lose his fighting spirit, his will and devotion to his friends? Will he remember me?
My daydreaming ended one day after a very difficult test, for which I spent an entire night to prepare myself to avoid failure, or my future would be destined to shatter and fall into pieces like glass. It wasn't a special day, just like the rest. But something special happened, and because of that, I don't think I would be able to forget that day.
A rainy day. But that day it rained more than usual.
I was getting ready to make myself a coffee and relax my spirit with the sound of the drops falling and the lights on the street, when I heard May knocking my door. She was wearing a raincoat over her typical clothes, and holding a pink umbrella that helped her stay dry. She asked me if she could come in, knowing the answer already. At that moment I drifted away once again against my will, my fantasies transporting me to a different reality. But I didn't have too much time to banish from the real world, because I heard her soft voice calling me back. I did so, and she smiled, asking me what I was thinking about.
"Oh… nothing, nothing to worry about, May… you see, you reminded me of someone I knew when you smiled at me that way, and that brought me a lot of memories I thought were lost."
The brunette girl used those charming blue eyes again to look at me with curiosity. And I knew what I've done was an embarrassing way of behave towards a guest, that's not something a normal person would do. She wanted to hear more about me. We both knew each other for some time, but there were things that remained a mystery for both. I didn't know, for example, that her favorite color was pink. Or perhaps I never paid attention to it. My mind was always in a distant planet, surrounded by mystical creatures and colorful scenarios. Meanwhile, part of me could hear that she was changing everything just with her mere presence. It was like a miracle. It stopped raining.
She said that sunny days were the best, because she could go out with her little brother and her friends and enjoy a picnic or explore new and exciting places. As time went on I started to hate those kinds of days more and more. They reminded me of the positive, enthusiastic person I once was. On the other hand, I saw the rain as a reflection of my soul, my actual soul. The sun hurt my heart, and the rain healed it. I was used to see water coming from sad clouds every day, but when she came to visit me, it stopped, and the sun finally got a chance to show itself. How could a weather forecast explain this situation? "A girl came to town and miraculously cleaned the sky". I couldn't help but laugh at the thought. I didn't have time to spend immersing myself again into crazy theories, because she was worried about something and my behavior didn't help the situation.
"Were you studying, May? Did I interrupt you? I could come later if you are busy, I don't mind…"
She was very sweet, and I was starting to feel like a child talking to her caring mother, even though she was smaller than me. My sad eyes finally met hers. They were demanding an answer, but I was too busy finding out why I couldn't have those eyes again. I was disappointed with my pathetic new self, but decided to keep what I had. I told her to stay, telling her that she wasn't interrupting anything. It looked like she understood, and I felt relied. I was wondering what she was going to do next. She stood there for a few more seconds, contemplating my house, then she looked at me again, and finally she walked towards my window, looking outside. Something caught her attention.
"Look! The rain stopped. You know, I was starting to feel a bit sad. I hate these days. It's very unfair for people who love to go outside and enjoy running in the park. You can't do that when it rains. If you try to see it from a fantastic point of view: the sun wants to show us his beauty, but the clouds are trying to hide him. He's like a child, wanting to be an artist, or maybe an astronaut, with his parents holding him back, telling him to become a doctor or a lawyer, shutting down his dreams and clouding his future. I think it's a nice, yet sad way to see it, don't you think, May? ".
I thought of the greyish clouds as a reflection of my soul. Someone knew I didn't want to express my true emotions with words, so the nature acted as a catalyst of my feelings. It was raining because my soul was crying. And the rain stopped every time she came to my house. She represented the joy and happiness I once enjoyed. The day was beautiful outside, and she invited me to come out and to have some fun in the city. Maybe we could have had an excellent time together, but I was deep in my thoughts. I was afraid too, because I didn't want to be seen with a girl like her, walking through the streets: a fragile corpse walking alongside an optimistic and strong girl. After all, I never liked to be seen like a weak girl. I was always strong and independent, and that's the way people should see me. Why would I want to change that? The world hated the weak. Everyone could see it, in fact, society taught you to be strong, and if you were not, people would start to treat you bad. The girl who visited me was a brave one, she could take care for herself, she didn't need anyone to stand for her, but at the same time, she was kind and good-natured. I used to be that.
She noticed that I was staring at her for too long, and I could see a sad smile forming upon her face. I decided that I couldn't let time pass in complete silence, so I quickly thought about something interesting to talk. I chose to ask her about the dark haired boy. She started to blush and almost whispering, she answered.
"I see him every day. He's everything you remember about him and more. He's very nice with the guys and with me. You should know that already, after all, we are the same person. I don't know if I am more than a friend to him, and I wish I could know. Sometimes I can't sleep well, his face haunting me in my dreams. He tells me to face my fears; because he knows me like a sister and that I'm no coward. Then, he kisses me on the lips, and he disappears. I wake up all of a sudden, with tears in my eyes, knowing that I'll never have the chance to return that kiss, and wishing I could live inside that dream, only to be with him and share our love together. My little brother worries about me but somehow every time this happens I find a way to lie about it or I simply avoid his questions".
That was a story she had never told me before. Deep in my heart, however, I knew about it, because it was the same story I lived when I was her age. I remembered me being unable to sleep some nights, and my brother looking at me, with the same face she described me in her own tale. Honestly, I didn't really care what Max would think about it. My biggest problem was would Ash think if he found out that I was crying for his love. I didn't want him to see my tears. I wasn't prepared to confront him and to tell him how I felt. It would have to wait, I decided. In the end, it did. But time went on, and it's still waiting. Perhaps it'll have to wait until I die, because I'm getting tired of thinking about him and my one sided love. I'm becoming tired of living with my memories. And speaking about them, I heard the one who visited me that day resuming the conversation.
"What do you think, May? Wouldn't it be wonderful to live inside our dreams? Imagine the number of things we would be able to do if those were to be real. We could visit magical places, talk to people dead long ago, eat every kind of food, or love that special boy and be loved at the same time".
I had been spending the last days thinking about that fantasy, it was so strange that my college friends looked at me daydreaming once again and decided to leave me alone with my thoughts. They probably thought I was crazy and not worthy of their friendship. I didn't care. The only thing I wanted is to be rid of all that was my reality and to be the young May I once was. But how would I achieve such goal? I quickly realized, after seeing some awful marks I got from my last exams, that I was wasting my time hoping for the impossible to happen. Resigned, I decided to go on with the new life I had. But my other self still came and ruined whatever I wanted to do. I felt like trapped on a maze built especially for me.
"I know what you've been thinking about since the moment you said those things about my smile, May. You're frustrated with what you've become, and you keep wishing you could be more like… me. Isn't that right? Perhaps you're not saying it, but your eyes are, even if they can't speak. You have a sad look and it's a consequence of your already weakened heart. Did you know that no one told you or forced you to follow this path? You could have continued doing what I do. Mother didn't tell you to wake up at 6 am every morning, take a shower, go to study, return home, and repeat the same routine over and over again, did she? That's something you imposed to yourself because you wanted people to see how much you've grown, and what you only accomplished was bringing disgrace to your own soul. You weren't this. You were a bright girl, a beautiful one. You were me. And you used to have a lot of friends who cared about you. You used to love a black haired boy, the very same boy I love. Why did you have to leave him? Why were you so selfish? You were so blind into following your own goal, but you didn't stop for a minute to think about your friends or your feelings about him. One day you were gone and maybe they missed you, but you didn't care. Is your proud so big that you weren't able to tell him that the only thing you wanted to do is to give your whole heart to him? You know, I have been waiting for some time for an appropriate situation to tell you this, but I wasn't strong enough to do it until now. I don't want to hurt with these words, but sooner or later you were going to find out about it."
My mouth was paralyzed. I wasn't able to say one single word for a very long time, and I thought she was expecting that because her statement was followed by silence. I needed some time to think about what she'd said. I couldn't blame her, though; all she was saying was the truth. It was our truth. But I didn't want to have to face it. I wanted to live with my misery for at least a few more days or weeks. I wasn't prepared to think seriously about my decisions because I knew my childhood wasn't bound to last eternally.
So why I was there, overthinking it? It was obvious that she had no right about what she said of me. Of course I couldn't undo what I've done. I've made a choice, and if that choice brought sorrow to me and to my forgotten friends, I couldn't allow myself to mourn over it forever. I had to go on, I had to look forward, I needed to look forward. The future was ahead, and the past was over. My old self was part of the past. She was a memory. A wonderful collection of all the things I've been through, but in the end, I had to move on and bury her.
The memories… My heart hurt a bit every second I spent looking at her. I didn't choose to grow up. But I had to. There was no choice. We were just human beings. I wish I could be something else, something that could not age. But that was impossible. I looked at her once more. I could see her youth, her energy, her strength. I immediately realized that there was another choice that I had to make if I wanted to definitely bury myself along with the rest of my memories.
"What happened to you, May? When did you decide to abandon me and become this? Why did you decide that I would eventually become this person that is you?
I simply answered that every child's dream has to end eventually, and that time came for everyone, I couldn't be the exception. This couldn't be a game forever, I had to grow. The world was not a playground, there were responsibilities and life itself was not easy. You would fail, you would suffer, but that was the way humans face their lives, through suffering. She knew deep in her heart that I would love to wake up and run through a colorful forest, dancing around those kind creatures and watching the sunset as another day is waiting for me. It was the life I've been dreaming of since I started my career at the university. Sometimes people need to abandon their dreams and live the life that is now.
She wasn't convinced at first. I knew that because she spent several minutes with her head pointed towards the ground, thinking and trying to find an answer to counter my argument. There weren't any. She knew I was right, and sometimes, the truth hurts when all you were expecting was a beautiful lie. I saw her tears falling all the way down her cheeks, and without warning, mine fell too. Seeing her cry, it broke my already weakened heart. We were so different, yet so similar. I spent the rest of the day comforting myself.
These were our last moments together. I already decided that. But I couldn't leave her crying. I couldn't leave myself crying. I hugged her tightly, as the dark haired boy used to hug me in the past, hoping to comfort her. For a second I wished to feel his body with me, his heavy breath, and his strong heartbeat. I wished her to be him, the boy with whom I spent countless adventures. It was a vain hope; the girl was still there and she needed me. We stood there, both of us, in the middle of my dining room, with the sun shining outside, and the clouds starting to surround him. I knew that was going to happen, and I said goodbye to him silently, hoping to see him again in the future.
After a minute or two, I kindly asked the girl to stop visiting me, because I needed to look forward and go on with this life, even if it was a dreadful life. She looked at me, and for a moment we were like mother and daughter again. She nodded, her face looking sad and teary, and she kissed me on my cheek, the same I had, asking me to never look back again as I promised. I told her that she had never broken a promise before, so won't I. She looked at me again, treasuring the last moments she would have with her other self, and then she turned away, looking for her pink umbrella. She didn't want to leave anything that could possibly remind me of her. I decided not to see her opening the door and closing it. Farewells are sad.
After that day, I haven't heard anything about her. I no longer hear her knocking my door, asking me to let her in, or seeing her pretty smile again.
Now that the girl is gone, the sky starts to cry again. I still can see her opening her umbrella, her figure slowly fading away from my sight as she walks away. I am alone once more, but I don't care. I only hope to have a peaceful sleep tonight, and to be able to find a boy who loves me the way my old self loves Ash.
"Good luck, little May. Have fun, wherever you are, enjoy your friends, and enjoy each day as if it were the last. You will have to grow up eventually. And when that day comes, you will have to make a choice, as I did. You've already seen me, and all the things I do for a living. This is my reality. You'll have to choose the future that is me, or staying a child and daydreaming for the rest of your life. I know you'll choose well. After all, we are the same soul, and we share the same heart. This is the last time I'll remember you. I say goodbye to you now".